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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Claire Keane
Keni
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DEAR READER
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Andulka
One Nice Bug Per Day
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
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@the-daily-oddish
Welcome to the finest news source in Kanto! We accept only the most true, reliable, and funniest news on-demand!
We post daily between 9-10 cst. If you have any news-worthy topics, please write in an idea (send ask) and we may cover it here! You will of course get credit if your idea is used. We also accept pre-written articles, provided they are sfw and all that. (submit post)
// hey guys sorry for lack of updates uni picked up very hard
// ill be back within a couple weeks hopefully
Photo: Cutiefly wants to marry cameraman
[photo imported from the National Photography Organization, with permission]
Team Rocket to start Astronomy Agency
For years, the evil team known as Rocket has been foiled by hundreds of 11 year old trainers. From their unhumble beginnings in the early 90's, every venture they have taken has been an abject failure. New leadership brings new insights, however, and the new leader, Silver, has made quite the pivot. "Starting effectively, we are shifting away from the stealing and profiting of pokemon, and bettering humanity and pokemon kind alike. We are finally living up to the name bestowed to us, and Blasting Off to the final frontier: Space." The decision confused many, however, and some were not keen on dropping their previous misdeeds. "Those f**ks stole my daughter's Cutiefly 5 times! I don't care if they're changing their buisness, or rebranding to anything else. Blasters, Moonauts, Meta, they're still the evilest evil to ever evil.", says BettyMargerine57, on Pumpkaboo. As of press time, it has been revealed that the whole plan was a scheme to steal moon cheese, and Dialga has struck down the entire project.
Porygons unable to battle due to forced updates
While we often don't think of the computer requirements of our pokemon, Porygon is a special case, being one of the few pokemon based on technology. Unfortunately, the downsides of such a setup are included in such a deal. Many Porygon users have been forced to deal with forced upgrades at the most inopportune times, leading to losing battles, or at worst, costing one a shot at the Championship. "so like, i was in the middle of a battle with this annoying kid over a bet, and suddenly my pory locks up! i had to give up my shiny charizard to that freak, and he refuses to rematch!!", says an anonymous Sligoogle+ user. Despite the cries for change, Devon Corp is sticking to their "surprise" method of distributing updates, and have hinted at forcing a AI onto them in order to "maximize battle effectiveness", despite it being hardly functional.
Togepi adoption rates spike leading up to Easter
It's the holiday season yet again, and while some are cooking up a storm, others are finding more quality ways to spend time with their family. According to data from the Kanto Adoption Agency, Togepi adoption rates spike in April, as many families across the region involve these silly egg babies in the festivities. "Togepi hunting is my kids favorite part of the celebrations", states an anonymous Kanto parent. "We go and pick up 10-15 of them, hide them around our house, and let the kids loose. Having to chase them down after locating them adds more excitement, too." However, adoption centers are pushing for a year-round easter celebration, as at other times in the year, they are overflowing with Togepi adopts.
Silph Co under fire for unethical ghost capture
The manufacturing conglomerate has made many of the household items in your house, but yesterday, allegations were brought against them for their "Silph Scope" items. The item, designed originally to simply reveal hidden Ghost types, is now being used to capture humans from their eternal slumber. "Let me assure you, we had no idea of the ramifications. We would never officially endorse slavery", the Silph Co president said in an official statement. Many, however, have come forward with their harrowing stories. "I'm walking away from burying my Rattata in Lavender Tower, and suddenly, a trainer in a red hat challenges me with the ghost of my dead mon! That was the only reason I lost to that idiot, the emotional damage.", says one anonymous former-champion-for-5-minutes. This incident is merely a point in the long list of grievous missteps this company has made, including forcing a corrupted, malware ridden update to porygonOS and handing out an uninsured prototype to a 11 year old, with no proper safety training or PPE.
VS Seeker leads to high crime rates
With technological innovation becoming more rapid by the day, many have found ways to exploit them for their own good. The VS Seeker, a product out of Devon Corp just this year, is a incredible piece of technology allowing trainers to battle each other multiple times, bypassing league restrictions. This serves as a perfect tool for young trainers to learn and grow off each other, as opposed to exhausing all trainers in the area and getting stuck. The problem comes in how willing the other trainer is, as one can drive you into debt and further with it. "PLSS recall the vers-BAD seeker", writes one Rotombr user. "i lost all my money, further, and now i owe a million poke to some shmoe with a Rattata! please donate to my fundraiser". The government has forcefully recalled all seekers, after one trainer lost so much money it underflowed to 2.147 billion, nearly crashing the global economy.
Sudowoodo filled forest dissipated overnight
The famous Ilex forest has seemingly vanished overnight, with locals believing it to be from the wrath of Arceus. The real answer, however, is much more mundane. Trace evidence examined by scientists reveals every so-called tree in forest was actually a Sudowoodo in hiding. "I'm shocked, I've been out in that forest my entire life and never noticed anything off..", states Kurt, a local of the bordering Azalea town. ""Goes to show how powerful pokemon mimicry is. Just the other day, I almost ate a Vanillice." While the whereabouts of the forest trees is unknown, a large amount of Sudowoodo have been seen gathered outside the Flower Shop, and the owner has been reported missing.
Mimikyu just a bunch of pokemon in a trenchcoat
The Pokemon Behavorial Studies Center (PBSC) has been observing pokemon for decades, but this newest discovery is one of the greats. The pokemon known as Mimikyu, thought to be a seperate species, is actually a bunch of pokemon in a trenchcoat. "I should've seen it coming, but I'm still shocked", says one anonymous trainer. "I mean, being able to learn more than 4 moves, the strange movement, eating truckloads.." Effective imminently, Mimikyu is demoted from the rank of pokemon to psudo-mon, and owners are entitled to compensation.
You missed a world record number of pokeball throws
A stunning new discovery in Kanto yesterday, as you, the reader, have officially broken the world record for the most missed pokeball throws in one battle. At 13:03 yesterday, you entered a battle with a wild Pidgey, and despite being no more than five meters away, you missed over 100 throws. "We have never seen this level of incompetence in a hundred years", says one investigative reporter. "The sheer lack of hand-eye coordination rivals that of a confused Magikarp, and I, for one, would never dare to show my face again". Reportedly, after 4 hours and 80,000P wasted, you were seen throwing your hat in frustration, missing, and landing it on the Pidgey before it flew away.
Local child causes ecological collapse, scientists proud
The pokedex initiative sweeping the Kanto region, and the associated challenge to "catch them all", has been a roaring success in getting kids out into the community and exploring, it seems to have caused some interesting side effects, such as the discovery of ultra powerful pokemon dubbed "Legendaries". A 12 year old kid, Marcy, from Palette Town, is being hailed as the discoverer, and scientists are strangely proud of the ecological destruction possible with this new discovery. "With the power of this "Artic-one" (we let the kid name it), we could flood the planet! In fact, this is the kind of revolutionary thinking one could create an organization over, with some kind of snappy name.. like Magma!" states one anonymous scientist before runnign off. As of now, the ownership of the strange bird is up for debate, but many groups are rallying to let the kid keep it, as a method of teaching responsibility.
Unoun Radio shutting down from lack of funding
Sad news out of Johto today, as the famous Unoun Radio station is being forced to stop broadcasts following a lack of funding. The station, which had been broadcasting out of the Alph Ruins for millenium, was a fan favorite by some of the residents near the area. Taking advantage of the low cost of the ruins, the Unoun attempted to springboard their musical career through 24/7 coverage of their esoteric, experimental electronic music. Unfortunately, the lack of any income made the entire venture unsustainable, and the initial funds would eventually run dry. "The what? I didn't know there was a station in those old ruins. Shame though, it always sucks to lose a creative type. Maybe they can get into freelancing?", says one concerned local local. The shutdown of the station may have further effects, as many theorists across the world lost a signifigant amount of money and viewership, scrambling for another topic to endlessly theorize on.
Global Trade System ignored in favor of just stealing
With the advent of the Global Trade System (GTS), many trainers around the world have the ability to trade, allowing many to import their favorite mon to a non-native region, or trading up to a battle-hardened fighter. However, many of the (youth) trainers have largely ignored these restrictions for the more classic solution: stealing other pokemon wholesale. "It's a real epidemic", states Officer Jenny #74, part of the Kantonian force. "These kids get inspired by Team Rocket antics, try it out, and suddenly their team is full of illegitimate pokemon.". As of press time, these trainers are moving from stealing pokemon to exploiting the box system to literally create the perfect pokemon out of thin air, though these are also being stolen.
Pokeballs now teach pokemon advanced economic theory
A controversial firmware update has recently been rolled out worldwide, causing pokemon caught by any pokeballs to have intimate knowledge on capitalism. "We believe it was the logical next step", says Benjamin Dimes, the current CEO. "For years, we have been engineering these balls to condition pokemon to not attack, based on their owner's badges. We here strive to take things further, however, and our engineers have discovered methods of implanting complex human concepts into any Joltik or Furret you catch. To mentally stimulate your pokemon, as well, we have implemented wireless features into every pokeball, and a direct link to your credit card.". Many trainers are expectedly upset about this new development, however. "I have over 300 pokemon in the PC!", cries one high-level trainer. "If all of them get enticed to spend MY money, I'll be broke in a week!". Following the backlash, the company is planning to offer the ability to disable this feature, for only 1000P per week.
"Watch for Rolling Gravellers" walking path completed in 0.5 steps
Great news out of the LowStep% challenge group today, as the most infamous walking path, the "Watch for Rolling Gravellers" path in Kanto, was completed in merely half a step. For the uninitiated, the LowStep% group aims to compete for the lowest step count in various paths across the world. Using tricks like Tarzan swinging, Surf, and even exploiting bugs in the provided pedometers, runners are able to get their steps down to the single digits, and a few even managed to get 0. The presence of the 0.5 is due to a technicality, as the unique flooring of the path allows trainers to slide up the path *without raising their foot*, and the official rules designate a "step" as planting and raising their foot. Many fans of the sport are calling foul, however. "A step is a step, you can't say it's only a half!" cries one JT "Henry" Yoshinx. Whether the results stick or not is up to the organizers, but if it does, it will be a momentous day for the community.
Magikarp not so weak now, huh?
In a stunning revenge story today, a released magikarp returned to blast their former trainer for releasing them. Reportedly, the magikarp, caught over a year prior, was released almost immidietly after the trainer scanned their Pokedex and realized just how useless one is. However, fueled by pure hatred, the karp was able to survive long enough, stealing xp from wild battles, and training, and had evolved into a Gyrados yesterday. They then went in for the attack. "Frankly, I thought I was a goner", says the child trainer that was attacked. "There I was, biking across Cycling Road, then suddenly a MASSIVE Gyrados smashed through the water next to me! I almost fell off my bike, but didnt, because its illegal. Before the Gyrados was able to fire a hyper beam on me, I managed to use my team to set up a Reflect, nearly killing the Gyra and forcing them to retreat. I do feel bad for them, but my team had no room for the weakness of the karp." Officer Jennies across the region are urging the boy to go into witness protection, but they refused, stating "This is my chance to do a Great Gatsby!" and running off.