To my fellow subs, pups, and slaves, gimps, furries, kinksters, and littles; to any identity you claim or feel or discover:
You may not need to hear these words, but there are far too many out there who run headlong into this world without any understanding. I may be reiterating things that have been said a thousand times in more coherent and eloquent ways. But too often I see or console or offer advice to those who have learned these lessons through experiences that I don’t want to imagine.
This isn’t exhaustive, and you may not agree with every one of them. These ideas do not come from a place of selfishness. They apply whether or not you identify as submissive, Dominant, or anywhere in between. It is not meant to inspire fear or cynicism. It is not meant to create self-doubt or generalize “Dominance” as heartless and uneducated. These ideas come from a place of self-love and self respect. If you have a problem with that, you have no place in my world.
If you can take one thing from it, whether validation of your own knowledge, or a deeper understanding of yourself, please know that you don’t have to face any of it alone.
In this, the “Dominant” is in general reference of any identity therein (whether Sir, Master, Handler, etc.)
Take the time to learn yourself before you allow others to control you.
Whether you’re just discovering your submissive identity, or you’re a pro, you can always benefit from introspection. Your relationship with a Dominant is only made stronger with a better understanding of yourself and your needs.
No one is ever entitled to your submission.
I’ll say that again: NO ONE IS EVER ENTITLED TO YOUR SUBMISSION. Anyone who approaches you with the idea that they deserve you without so much as a conversation should be avoided. It is in your best interest to protect yourself, regardless of how exciting and enticing it may be to have someone assert such control.
Seek your community.
Whether its a local one, or something you find online, seek out a community of like minded people. Not only will this give you an opportunity to meet and befriend others who understand you, it is also for your protection. Your community is your safe place. We take care of our own.
Make friends with other submissives.
We understand each other better than most. You know things I don’t. Seek advice and care from others without an ulterior motive. I may not be able to tell you what to do, but I can always try to help.
Communication is everything.
Seek a method of feedback that your Dominant can respect, whether positive or constructive. Anyone who assumes they know everything or can do no wrong is too insecure to admit their own flaws. Safe words are great, but that will only get you so far. You know what enhances or pulls you out of your headspace. Tell them.
Consideration periods are not simply to determine “whether you’re good enough” or “whether you deserve” something.
They are an opportunity for you to examine your own compatibility and headspace prior to engaging in commitment. They are one of the best tools you have to truly put yourself into a healthy and engaging environment. If it doesn’t work, speak up.
You always have the right to leave.
Pretty damn self explanatory.
Make sure you understand YOUR limits.
To push through them is one thing, but you need to understand that too far can be too far. Learn how to say no in a way that enhances your relationship and mutual understanding. And if that isn’t respected? You always have the right to leave.
You deserve respect, too.
It may be shown in different ways. You may like to be called horrible names and treated like dirt. But unless you’ve gotten to the point where you feel safe in that space, don’t let someone walk all over you, regardless of their assumed Dominance.
Take. Your. Time.
Especially for those newer to discovering their submissive headspace, every person who validates that headspace will seem good to you. Just because someone offers you a collar does not mean you take it. Be careful. Ownership is first and foremost about trust. I understand the need; its an innate desire to give up control to the first person who tries to take it from you. But submission is not taken, it is earned. Give yourself the time and make sure their investment in you is equal to your investment in them.
If you need a break, take one.
Sometimes you just need to give yourself an opportunity to refocus. Take a step back from all of it and breathe without fear of control or retribution. Have the self awareness to know when you need it.
Explore what you feel.
Don’t let yourself be defined by an expectation or ideal. If you don’t feel completely submissive, or completely Dominant, that’s okay. Give yourself the opportunity to explore those feelings. It may change on any given day or hour or minute. Surround yourself with those who will allow you to grow.
Headspace isn’t about losing yourself.
It’s a place that’s meant to allow you to let go. Sometimes it’s hard to find, and that’s okay. Don’t force it. Your headspace should be as unique as you. Allow the pieces of you that you love to shine through it.
Not all headspace is sexual.
Never feel like where you go in that place must be accompanied with BDSM. If your headspace needs to be a safe place for you, let it. Many use it as a coping mechanism for anxiety and depression and these triggers can not only be upsetting but dangerous. Never, ever assume anything without knowing someone. Care before control.
Look out for each other.
Know the signs of someone who needs help. They may not ask for it, but make sure those around you know that you’re looking out for them. There can be a very fine line between BDSM and abusive relationships. You may not be able to fix it, but the love you show someone may have a bigger impact than you think.
If you have more to contribute, please do. I don’t expect this to be exhaustive, I want to give people an opportunity to think and respond and create healthy dialogue around a part of “us” that is too often silenced by passivity.
Please, please share this with everyone you can.
And as always, if you need anything, please reach out to someone. I’m always here.
