Aftercare⊠itâs more important than most people realize. Not only for the immediate effect, to prevent sub drop, but the lack can also create a dangerous addiction in subs, usually with them being unaware of it.
Itâs a topic thatâs often overlooked, not in the short term, but the long term effects. And itâs something I would really love to sensitize people a bit about.
I think the best comparison is like a very addictive, destructive drug. You take it, youâre high, you feel perfect. Then you get withdrawal, only looking forward to the next high. But you think the drug is the shits while your life breaks apart, you ignore friends, forget about your hobbies, and so on.
Itâs the same with play without aftercare. You crash. Slower, different. You crave more play, because thatâs where youâre high, where you feel good. Then you crash deeper. And after a few rounds of it, youâre developing an addiction to the dom. And yes, it really is an addiction, because play stimulates the reward centers. Thatâs why aftercare is so important, to slowly leave the scene, to take all the time you need, so itâs something fun, but not the only thing giving you fun and joy.
And to make matters worse, you need â of course â always more. And youâre more in their control. They usually start to break limits, so you crash even harder, get even more addicted. They might get abusive, also pushing you deeper into the dependence. And itâs almost impossible to know as long as youâre in the situation.
Iâve known so many subs over the years who were stuck in it, I helped a lot of them, but itâs hard to get to them in the first place â because like any addict they think they are happy. Thatâs the really evil part, their life breaks away, and if the dom is doing it to just control them, they are obviously supporting the sub rejecting their friends (aka the subs support structure â itâs a typical abusive relationship pattern) and giving up their hobbies for the doms benefit.
Another typical effect of this abusive behavior (itâs not kink or BDSM, itâs only masquerading as it) is that the sub is down most of the time. Iâm talking a general depressed state, without any real specific reason. Thatâs not to be confused with the âFuck me work was stress today, I need some time out of control to relax!â, but a âLife sucks.. I donât want to do anything⊠I hope my âdomâ plays with me soon!â state. They also often âdegradeâ psychologically, are somewhat less functional, less organized, more eratic. But that differs from person to person. Another warning sign can be when their emotions seem to be very shallow, but quickly become aggressive if someone offers support, because itâs easier to interact with people who accept them saying there are good, then with friends who push their nose into the fact the arenât (another typical addict behavior).
Sadly this is something all too common. Doms saying âIâm so good at doming, you donât need aftercare with me!â or telling their subs they are too tired, or itâs a bother⊠Iâve heard countless variations on it. And sorry, dear domly doms, if you think you donât need to give aftercare for any reason, youâre not a good dom, youâre worthless as a dom.
Then again there are also subs who donât want to bother their dom, saying âItâs ok, itâs enoughâŠâ because they donât feel like they should be in the center of attention. Thatâs bullshit, let me tell you. Iâve yet to see a (useful, aka not a domly) dom who wouldnât enjoy to care for the melted pile of subby goo they just created. Seriously. They just worked hard to put you into this blissful place. And there is nothing more satisfying then to pet a sub lost in subspace, and know you just made them feel this happy, drifty, floaty. And to be honest, if you fight your way out, because you think itâs a bother, you throw a bit of your doms work away instead of enjoying it.
To make things even worse, itâs usually a long, painful process to come back from this kind of relationship. Even with good support, it can take years to get back to trust people fully. To be able to play again in a positive way. To enjoy playing to the full extend possible and enjoy it. To become you again. Let me quote a short post of someone Iâm helping to recover [Link to original post]:
âFor some reasons, during the last years, I have forgotten to be myself. When I think about it, I realize I was just a shadow, going through life without real emotions. Things are now changing. Piece by piece, I remember the person I am. Last night I started drawing. It certainly doesnât sound important but it is for me. Itâs like if I was recovering memories after a long period of amnesia : I have drawn during my whole life but suddenly stopped. Yesterday, the desire came back and I had a great time! And I will keep drawing, improve and love it.[âŠ]â
So yeah. You lose yourself in it. You give up everything without realizing. And thatâs not a fun power exchange, thatâs a dangerous addiction. Like most addiction it feels good, and you think youâre good, but it hurts you.
If youâre looking for a dom, and they tell you that you donât need aftercare with them â move on. There are many doms out there, but only one healthy you. And that should be your first priority. Your own safety. And any good dom will see it the same way, and support you however they can. Â
Be safe, play safe, have fun.
