You Look Like I Need A Drink

I'll burn down buildings while you sit on a shelf inside of them

[unfortunatesun]

[moderndaywarriorsawyer]

The Money Tubbs only comes around every 5628 seconds. Reblog the Money Tubbs and you’ll find money!

[modelinterrupted]

Bitttchhh the last time I reblogged some bullshit like this I booked a 2k 30minute shoot lmao

[zacefronsbf]

[benwarheit]

Things I like about this decal on a restaurant window: -the insane orange waiter -that he’s carrying his plates in the air like a strongman -the couple looks like this isn’t the first time he’s done this, but it’s easier to just let it happen at this point. -the sign says PASTA as if he’s screaming it like a frankenstein -but he’s holding a plate of an entire chicken and a plate of wine glasses -there’s three wine glasses -one’s for him.

[memesandlaughs]

[gravegospel]

[resonance-of-libra]

This is the Lucky Ace. Reblog to recieve a wad of cash that is oddly specific to your current needs.

[jukaidream]

I reblogged this shit two days ago y’all… what kinda sorcery is this. Oddly specific too …. I’ll take it tho 🤯

[thisisasinkingship]

I think I did it wrong

[comic-girl2234-deactivated20240]

Uh I reblogged this like 3 days ago and I start my new job on Monday??? Like idk how you accidentally find a job but I did.

[greedsrolex-deactivated20200724]

I have a disease that makes me like vampires and titties its callled being a fucking genius

[debrides]

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

[lesbirdan]

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

[hermionegranger]

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

[mugsandpugs1-deactivated2019010]

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

[thomrainierskies]

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

[mirab3lle]

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

[icouldwritebooks]

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

[crimeronan]

i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it

but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”

as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”

there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”

the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”

[agrestenoir]

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

[gin-and-eschatonic]

I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like “behind” and “coming around” as I maneuver through spaces and around people.

Which, actually, not such a bad thing; I’m a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions.

Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a “coming with a knife” while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining.

[harold-theyre-thespians]

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

[narwhalsarefalling]

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

[wren-likethe-bird]

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

[la-mancha-screwjob]

Every time a friend thanks me, and I respond with “gladly” or “my pleasure”, I die completely 1000% inside

[fair-itself]

I work at a plasma donation center. When processing donors, we call them by name, they walk up to the counter, and then we ask for their name and donor number. One time, instead of saying “Robert” I hollered “Name and donor number!?” into a full waiting room. Three people started announcing their names and donor numbers before we all realized that I fucked up.

[maplefiasco]

In college, I was a barista at Borders (remember Borders, you guys?!) I once drove through Taco Bell on my way home after a shift. When the cashier said, “okay, that’ll be $5.46!” I cheerfully responded, “Do you have a Borders rewards card?”

[iamthatbeast]

I have dealt with so many difficult customers over the years that I used to angrily call my dog “Sir” when I was mad at him.

[widonotts]

My first job was at my nearest Panera, and after coming home from a ten-hour Sunday morning shift, I was exhausted; but when my mom called me to come downstairs, instead of replying in the grumpy teenagerish tone I usually would, I said in my cheeriest, fakest voice, “Not a problem at all, let me just check with my manager!” before realizing my mistake.

[artwlw]

my coworker went to back up the cash registers one time and she had been at customer service right before. when we finish with a customer we have to sometimes get the attention of the next person and will shout “i can get the next person in line!” but instead of saying that she yelled “HI WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH” to everyone in the general area

[youlovelucie]

I have told my dog “no thank you” so many times after working at a preschool

[spacecores]

a couple of times i’ve gotten stuck in a hello how are you good how are you good how are you loop with an equally tired Fred Meyer’s cashier after a long shift but the best time was after a 10 to 10 post-holidays after they told me my total, I asked if they would like a bag today and after a confused few seconds they were like, “no… I have the bags”

[thebritishteapot]

Worked in a gallery where we asked people to take off their backpacks in order not to accidentally damage paintings. So when I went to the shop later and saw a guy in the line in front of me, I told him he had to remove his backpack. He probably thought I was politely trying to rob him.

[bleekay]

once a guy at the Chick-fil-A drive thru gave me my food and then said “you’re a beautiful day” and then I watched his entire face in slow motion morph into the most embarrassed cringe… meanwhile I am very delighted and most definitely feel like a beautiful day, thank u drive thru dude

[swankkat-deactivated20230101]

I have not been a 911 Dispatcher since September. I still try to answer the phones at my new job with “(City Name) Police Department, is this an emergency?” I work in medical sales and service now. You betcha people on the other end just pause confusedly for a moment before slowly saying, “Nooooooo….”

[fierceawakening]

If someone told me I was a beautiful day I would probably have a beautiful day.

[floralpopie]

One time at target I had worked a double and was in my 10th hour. A lady had tried on a tiny bikini…im a large it was an xs. she handed it to me when she came out of the fitting room. I looked her dead in the eyes and said “ do you want me to put this on for you.”. I think I meant up but the damage was done.

[spelunk]

ihop stands for international house of pussy

[phoenixheir]

No it doesn’t

[spelunk]

yes it does

[meangirlnurse]

i love stock photos so much

[meangirlnurse]

i googled “protest stock photo” because i was curious to see how they would handle the subject matter while maintaining the inoffensive, generic marketability of most stock images and i don’t know what i expected but uh

[meangirlnurse]

[spacehunter-m]

Visit Original Link

[snoopingasusualisee]

[books-in-order]

Pup interrupts soccer match, gives interview.

[the-stray-liger]

The commentator narrating the pup’s moves with the ball is AMAZING and I’m crying

[loseinadaydream]

“(…) right, but he decides to kick the ball. He gets close, and who grabs it? The Friend(dog)! Yes! A pup got into the field. He’s tied to it. He puts it under his paws and shows what football was missing in the Gasometro (field’s name). The [team]’s men want to grab him, but they cant! The Friend has his eyes on the ball. He runs to find it again. Yes! He bites! He kneads! He wants it close! He gets lost, he’s so happy! Castro (player) wants to kick his Corner but he can’t. He tells the pup “enough, enough, go over there”… however *commentator laughs*, there’s the pup! When he puts it on the floor, [the dog] goes again for the ball. And of course, as any skilled man, wants it all for himself. A bit of an over-eater, this pup. And he clearly has shown conditions / talent. [The team] found the way to the goal thanks to the Pichicho’s (little dog) essential input…. who, of course, as any protagonist had his place at [the tv show].“

*camera switches to interview where dog barks and mounches on the reporter’s mic (who allows him do it)*

I’ve been watching Argentinean football all my life and I can confirm this is the best to ever happen on a match.

[nightmaskart]

Verwyn, a tiefling bard

[c-a-l-e]

Visit Original Link

(x)(x)(x)

[fujiwaranomokou]

oh welcome back to my dash you gorgeous perfect thing

[professoring-blog]

Repost for Homestuck picture to a pony song.

That’s epic

[corey-beepington]

My Magnum Opus

[slugbo]

@cyber-moth

[popokko-deactivated20210315]

bird: *bounces instead of walking*

me: fucking superb you funky little dinosaur

[dwergas-deactivated20180817]

my teeth fell out

everyone just comes on my blog to complain about whatever they damn feel like

[emmersdrawberry]

in america everyone gets a free gun at birth so if we break a leg we put ourselves down like an old race horse and thats the american healthcare system