Harry Potter AUs (with special guest SuperStraightWhiteMale)
Him: I think Harry Potter should have had a plot twist where the Charms book was full of typos, so they wouldn't know what to say to magic things.
Me: I want a Harry Potter AU where Hermione has a retarded younger brother, Harry's a perv, Ron's Jewish, and Luna's a Christian fanatic.
Me: A Harry Potter AU in which the basilisk is just a garter snake, Fred and George petrified Filch's cat, and mass hysteria caused the rest.
Him: A Harry Potter AU where Clint Eastwood runs around the castle stopping Fred and George with his rescued orangutan... But the castle is really the wild west, and it's not really Fred and George, it's a bunch of hardened, criminal outlaws.
Me: A Harry Potter AU where Madam Pomfrey is actually Doctor House.
Him: A Harry Potter AU where Voldemort has a black man nose which he refers to as the Super Sniffer.
Me: An AU where Voldemort has a full head of hair and people mistake him for a woman.
Me: An AU where Krum enters Hogwarts and sings "Genius in France" with the Durmstrang student body as the band. All the Beauxbatons students swoon, along with Hermione (because she's french) and Ron (because he's genuinely turned on).
Him: Malfoy walked in on Lucius fisting Snape one day, so as an attempt of bribery to keep his queerness a secret, he always gives Draco good grades. Lucius, however, beat his son, turning him gay for Harry. Umbridge soon falls in love with Draco, so she goes to any lengths to get rid of Harry, who just wants to eat some grits for every meal.
Me: Dumbledore has no beard. Everyone makes fun of his butt chin.
Him: The Weasleys were sick of all the gingers. They trade Ron for an Asian.
Me: Dumbledore's homosexuality comes into play. Everyone sees it as facetious and unnecessary to the story. Both sides complain about it.
Him: After escaping prison, Sirius changes his name to Joking White. Nobody finds anything suspicious.
Me: Sirius is apprehended by social justice wizards who take offense to his last name being Black. "It should be African-American," they say.
Him: Scabbers is just a rat and nothing more.
Him: The Boy Who Lives died of African-English Death.
Me: Rowling sticks with her original plan to make Ron swear outrageously all the time.
Him: Peeves gets written into the movie.
Him: The Fat Lady never hears the password because she is doing Richard Simmons workouts on the VHS.
Me: Somebody actually explains how long a roll of parchment is in terms of essay length.
Him: Harry's dream journals are all extremely accurate, and all the predictions come true at the same time.
Me: Everything is the same except it's in space.
Him: Hagrid is an average sized man.
Me: Hedwig is black with red eyes and named "Lucifera."
Him: Dean gets expelled for using black magic.
Me: Romilda Vane asks Harry to sign her breasts.
Him: Harry breaks her nose when he realizes her bra is stuffed and she has no breasts to sign.
Him: Mike Meyers voices over everyone, making them all sound like Shrek.
Me: Malfoy is an albino dwarf. Harry accidentally mixes up their toothbrushes on the night everyone sleeps in the Great Hall.
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