The Lifetime Daydreamer

21, Irish, She/Her. Musician, Juggler, Transgirl w/ Aspergers. Studying Sustainable Horticulture and Permaculture in Ireland. I live an intense life and am always in new experiences which I will try to write about...

[the-lifetime-daydreamer]

Reckt

Absolutely shattered. I have a low stress threshold. That’s what I learned today. The therapist is worth her money admittedly, though she does cost an awful lot of it unfortunately, her words strike deep in ways that I don’t process immediately. But they do sink in over the days and I realise how right she had it. Though I really wish she wasn’t so expensive. T_T One euro a minute. I needed to ask my mom to buy me dinner because overall I’ve lost one hundred euro in the last month, that is including any money I earned, the gender therapist costing more than that.. Anyway, that’s money, that is not the big issue right now. What the fuck! I have a low stress threshold or as I like to call it the streshold. So that explains a lot. It’s due to my brain developing around stress from an early age. Stress changes the brain apparently, in a grim way that makes me stressed to think about so I choose to ignore it and think on the more positive things. So I need to stay away from stress. Like altogether. This is very hard for me. I don’t think i’ve ever successfully done this for very long at all, not in a sustainable way anyways.  Ergh. I need to be gentle. Light as a feather. Gracefully hum and flutter through my thoughts and feelings, delving and experiencing and accepting. Soothingly. I don’t need to be so intense about it, like I’m always holding my breath or something. Need to get into ma body and do a bit of that breathing stuff i’ve been hearing other people do, apparently it works well for some so I’m eager to try. Tumblring my feelings is nice for some reason. Because writing is a trek and laptopping is always a lovely companionable distraction, basking me in its technicolour glow, soothing me with its funny videos and trivial facebook statuses. Filling me with irrelevant information, relevant information and information that isn’t actually information, just so I can forget it all by tomorrow. The laptop is an escape and a prison. It is the key to bliss and freedom, only to realise that around me are walls, filled with the mutterings of lewd web articles and unethical advertising, imprinting on me more than I will ever know, printing psychological tattoos onto my prefrontal cortex, unerasable and incognito. I turn and see the door returning. I return. This is great, but it’s too intense, stress is coming, coming, and like an orgasm it rises and peaks and it’s like a guilty release to let myself crash and burn. Guilt becomes my neighbour, shame my co-worker, fear my best friend, anger is my family and oh is it big. But they’re all just people, living their perfect lives with perfect wives brandishing kitchen knives and waving out the husband to work and why does he have to work like this and why does any of it work like this. Tastes like piss. Smells like it too, unsettling, gut wrenching, flush it down the loo. Forget the smell, nothing happened, push it down and don’t try to tap in to it, tap on, wash your hands of it, compliance. To the ego and the signs and the symbols that wrap vines around the kindness of your sublime existence. The internet is the information age. I’ll tell you one thing, I’m not in formation.

[the-lifetime-daydreamer]

Gender Dysphoria - My Trans*ition Diary 8

Good evening sweet thing x

Tonight has been showing of a lot of my changes. I’ve suddenly been catapulted into a room full of people for several hours. Old thought patterns were trying to creep back in, but they didn’t really have much power over me, I was really in control. I did find that I was conversing less feminine for a while. I find it harder to let myself be feminine when I’m talking to guys, I guess I feel like it’s less acceptable to talk to guys that way. But it makes me happy and it also makes me feel stale when I tone it down a lot. By the end of the night I had really been fairly fluid throughout, I wasn’t exactly really comfortable the whole time (there was a LOT of people and noise), but I also wasn’t particularly uncomfortable, I was able to handle most situations that I may have found too much before. 

It’s actually been quite hard for me to notice the big changes because It’s always hard to notice a lack of something as opposed to the presence of something. In this case it’s a lack of anxiety and stress mainly. I may not notice it all the time, but it’s just generally improved my quality of life :)

Now onto the heading. I’ve been focusing more on identifying my gender dysphoria so I can see when it’s affecting me and how and why. It’s been hard to notice properly right now. Definitely if I don’t speak femininely I feel like I’m constricted somehow but I don’t know if that’s directly related. I did notice gender dysphoria in other ways though. Firstly, when I did catch myself moving back into older ways of behaving I would notice my anxiety increasing steadily so I would have to pull myself out of this manly facade and I would start to feel lighter again. Secondly is when I played a few songs on guitar for the group that was here tonight. It went great, I played so well and I was reaching new levels of comfort with playing to groups. But someone recorded me. And I haven’t had this before, but when I saw the first slide and that it looked like a man playing the guitar, it did upset me. I felt disappointed, like it was wrong, that that shouldn’t be there.

I think this is the first time I’ve uncovered direct gender dysphoria in me. It’s only natural as I present myself more and more like a woman and feel more and more like one, now that I have this contrast, the sadness at looking like a man will be far more obvious. It’s because of this that I’ve finally caught my gender dysphoria in action. It’s sad that I have it but it’s positive that I’ve been able to identify it, it’s no longer going to work on me so unconsciously. It also proves to me that I’m not a man really, else I wouldn’t get this feeling deep down.

So I’m going to end things on that sombre note and sleep the first night in my new house :)

Sweet dreams x

[the-lifetime-daydreamer]

Settling Into Transitioning - My Trans*ition Diary 7

Good afternoon sumptuous delight ;) x

It’s been a month since I started my transition. Bare in mind that I’m an intense sort of person because of my autistic tunnel vision so when I focus on something I give it everything I have. So one month for me generally contains a lot. And this case is no different. I have gone from starting with just a pink scarf, to wearing nail polish, to allowing myself to drop my masculine facade, then buying make up and wearing nail polish in general with the different coats, bought my first item of clothing from the womens section, then bought my first pairs of leggings and stockings, I’ve begun contact with a gender therapist and now my personality has changed a lot and there’s hardly a trace of my eating disorder left that I’ve held on to since I was 12 and most of it has gone away within this month.

The main reason why I have gotten so much done is because I’ve been out of college for the whole month. I had an operation, then stayed inside for weeks recovering and now the christmas holidays finish up tomorrow. So I’ve really monopolised on all this time I have been given and now my quality of life has improved drastically. I guess you could say I feel kinda normal (as normal as I can be) now. So much residually poor mental health seems to be down to gender/body dysphoria. And thank god my mood is the best it’s been because I’ll need to be strong moving forward with this transition. Honestly speaking though, it feels like a really tough chapter is behind me already.

Once you break free of the worst of the self doubt as to your gender identity, I think it gives you much more freedom. It has for me, the doubt was really disorienting and dysphoric. But now that I’ve really concentrated on my feelings and thoughts and my past/memories, I can move forward with much more confidence that I am transgender. And even though that’s a very difficult discovery to make for myself, it’s equally liberating. I simultaneously unburdened myself of the immediate doubt that evolved around starting a transition and a lot of the decade-long anxiety and fear that I haven’t been able to shake since becoming a teenager.

It still all feels a bit too good to be true and quite surreal, especially considering this has all happened SO fast, but now I can really say I’ve got a good stride going on without that doubt constantly tripping me up. And when you have that good stride with your transition as well as the all important safety net of support and encouragement, it feels like a totally different procedure than before. It feels like a blossoming. Like I’ve been hesitantly orienting my closed petals towards where I thought the sun would be and when I take those first steps (start to open the petals) and feel the warmth of light, that I am confident in blossoming because I know this is where my light is and that that will be my strongest tool against fear and for inner peace :)

So on that blissfully positive note, I’m now going to be moving between Kinsale (where I study) and home (with my mom), so I will have a lot to write about these different environments and how they interact/impact this stage of my transition! 

Smile x

[the-lifetime-daydreamer]

Indirect Gender Dysphoria? - My Trans*ition Diary 6

Salutations sexy reader x

A topic I didn’t expect to write about. But it makes perfect sense now. I haven’t identified with gender dysphoria during my transition up until now. I didn’t think that I was trapped in someone elses body or that I was experiencing this gender distress. Until now! I have realised this because it makes perfect sense, from the day I started to transition until now, the level of femininity I have been progressively expressing has been directly proportionate to my happiness. But even better, it has eliminated the vast majority of my anxiety and discomfort that I have held since puberty. I’ve always suffered from intense mental suffering since I was 12 or so, hiding away in home because I was so scared of people outside and getting my feelings hurt or people mocking me. 

And here we go, a month after starting to transition and I literally feel brand new. My personality is fluid, my eating disorder is gone, I have the best relationship with food I’ve ever had, I don’t get socially anxious anymore, I’m in my body! I suffered from depersonalisation for almost all of my life since puberty, which is feeling like I’m totally disconnected from my body because I’m entirely living in my mind in fear. I’m fairly certain these were bi-products of many things, but mainly gender dysphoria. Now I feel like I’m so IN my body most of the time, the closer I get to feeling like or looking like a girl, the happier I am :)

So I have been saying all this time that I have not been a victim of gender dysphoria, but I have been a victim of indirect gender dysphoria because I’ve been pinning it on other things. Now to come to terms with this information and use it to my advantage :)

Stay swell <3

[fr33tobm3-deactivated20160118]

[transisbeautiful]

💖💙

[the-lifetime-daydreamer]

It’s OK To Have Mostly Girl Friends As A Transwoman - My Trans*ition Diary 5

Greetings gorgeous reader x

This is a quick entry about being a transgirl and having mostly girl friends, or being a transboy and having mostly boy friends. As an oblivious to my real gender, cisgender guy, I felt really connected with girls (or cam guys for that matter). I would always get along best with them and relate to them really well. BUT, I never let myself become really good friends with girls, because I felt like that wasn’t something guys were doing and I didn’t want to seem gay or different by seeing girls as close friends. So mostly I retained sexual ideas about girls that I became close with, because I wouldn’t let myself see them as friends! I retained my relationship with girls as ultimately the expectation of something sexual at the end. I knew this wouldn’t happen usually so I would normally be satisfied with trying to seem really masculine and attractive in front of them.

Of course, all of this sabotaged the potential of any of my close friendships with girls! Since identifying as trans, this has all opened up to me. I now let myself want to be good friends with girls and all that sexual fixation has gone completely and I’m totally comfortable with them. I still find it hard, like I should be trying harder to have guy friends, but at the end of the day my friendships with guys are different. I don’t get much of that bubbly playful emotive conversation with guys. Or at least one of those 3 and I’m very happy in the conversing! Don’t get me wrong, guys can have these qualities too, it’s just less common. And at the end of the day, I’m into the same things most girls are into, I have the same priorities and I generally feel like I totally synchronise with their conversations, so it only makes sense that I would have mostly girls as friends.

Now I have to get over the fear of seeming like I’m just craving girls attention and actually let myself have fun with girls, because boy do we have a LOT of fun :L

That’s all I’ve got on that right now, peace :) x

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Just be yourself. Let people see the real imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful and magical person you are.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[pedromirfilho]

[the-lifetime-daydreamer]

Internalised Transphobia - My Trans*ition Diary 4

Hello beautifuls x

So I’ve come to this topic quicker than I thought! It’s really been hitting me today. I’ve been really positive about my transitioning because of all of the good effects I’ve been feeling. But now I’m not so sure. I feel like everyone will just think I’m a weirdo or disgusting. I’m too alone right now where I am, I’m realising that at this point of starting transitioning, it is of the utmost importance to develop some sort of network of support, to be really gentle with myself. 

Today I’m feeling too self conscious to go outside. And yesterday was the same really. Really I just need to start my next term of college and have something else to give some of my attention to. My issue is that due to the transphobia prevalent in mainstream media and because I used to be transphobic aswell, I have a large amount of transphobia internalised. Now, even though I think I’m transgender, I still think it’s wrong and disgusting and shameful deep down. It doesn’t help that my mom thinks so too and I have to be around her now until college restarts in a few days.

Internalised transphobia is dangerous. It can break you down and it can be very hard to predict it. Just the other day I went to the cinema with my mom, presenting myself pretty femininely. After the movie had finished and the credits were rolling, I had still been fine up to this point, but then I suddenly got the thought “Oh god, I have to go outside now and face everyone and they’re going to see me like this!?” I felt trapped, I felt like I was in an embarrassing costume suddenly and didn’t have a change of clothes. It was sickening, that feeling. I had felt confident all day until that one thought just broke me down totally.

I think this is why, in the initial stages of uncertainty, that it is important to create a support network. This may contain family, friends, hobbies, education, and anything else that helps you. These things could help you through many tight spots like the one I described. Also it’s important to actually start thinking about where you’re going and what you’re doing to prevent putting yourself in more potentially triggering situations. This applies to me because of how shaky I feel at this point, everyone will have varying levels of conviction with their transitions and different levels of support available to them. It can be a delicate balancing act, do whatever it takes to keep yourself feeling positive!

Now i’ve got to try taking my own advice.. Love love love! x

[the-lifetime-daydreamer]

Am I Camp or Trans? - My Trans*ition Diary 3

Hello gorgeous idols of blogging, another installment here (and on the same day too! #nolyf)

Soo I’ve been having issues with this over the past couple of days. Ever since changing my voice and now letting it do what it wants, I speak femininely all the time naturally. I’m a musician too and believe it or not my music also followed suit naturally, which really showed me how intuitive it is for me, my voice doesn’t strain anymore like it used to to try to harsher or much deeper with the tones. My talent lies in my head voice and falsetto so this transition has already been done musically!

Moving onto addressing the title, am I camp or trans? This question along with am I gay/bi (and i don’t know it still) or trans? Because now that I’ve started transitioning and letting my true self out, I’ve become a bit camp, really fast. Then I asked myself why do I feel more camp than being a girl? I feel like it’s just because of how I’m perceiving myself speaking more than anything else. I’ve explored my sexuality in depth and I’ve come to the conclusion that I have internalised homophobia from being a straight, cis, irish, white man and the constant homophobic dogma you’re exposed to in that category. I’m still afraid to enjoy touching a man in simply a nonsexual way. 

I figured this out through several workshops on Conscious Sexuality that deals with many different themes but all so far have engaged me in touching men and women so I have had the space to explore these feelings. I think I am attracted to women exclusively but seeing as I’m still afraid of touching men (literally can’t enjoy it all seemingly) suggests that I still have a deeply repressed blockage which MAY (and it’s a small may imo), when unblocked, give me an attraction to men. 

If this is the case, then I could just be a bi, camp man. But of course though there are way too many reasons that I AM trans* at this point togive that validity.

My last point now is that I feel dead comfortable passing as a feminine, camp man rather than that guy who looks strangely feminine and it confuses me so I wil cntinue to stare at him with a mottled, puzzled look on my face. Because camp is accepted to pass as is why I feel totally comfortable like that though, not because that IS me more, it’s just that in that context I feel that my femininity is expected so totally embrace it. In the other instance I feel more like people think I’m taking the piss, but this is in public remember! In private settings where I feel accepted as a woman I’m far happier :) That’s my thoughts and emotions on this issue that I’ve been facing, any thoughts? x

[the-lifetime-daydreamer]

Voice Changes - My Trans*ition Diary 2

Hello reader, you are wonderful and this text post loves you <3 Another day and another thought to be dissected for my blogging pleasure...Changes in voice and speech. I have given some thought to this, firstly I didn’t even consider it when thinking about the transition, it was only around th time I decided to transition that I began discovering that people do it, so it came as a surprise to me. I think most transwomen either have a naturally more feminine voice or they make their voice more feminine naturally with training. I agree and respect transwomen who decide to leave their voice as it has always been and I agree and respect transwomen who decide to train their voice to sound more feminine, both are deserving of respect and should never have the validity of their genders questioned based on how you perceive their voice :) Now back onto what I’m personally experiencing.. Upon first hearing that transwomen change their voice and then re-assessing a lot of the videos i’d seen of trans women with new ears. So it is possible, and potentially not too difficult. So I started to try it! I let my voice go more into my head (not fully) and try to do it in public. Well did it make some difference..I found it made me feel much more myself and a lot more engaged in conversation. Pretty drastic changes just for something so small right? I guess so, but that’s what small changes can do if they’re important internally! So I played with it for a few days and found it took a bit of mental effort, not much, but I did feel like at times it was a bit forced. So at the most recent party I attended I had been in the higher pitched voice for a few days already so I let it be without thinking too much about it. And a very curious thing developed.I had had some inklings of this characteristic seeping in from the moment I started practising but didn’t expect so much to come out! Sass (Also a lot of behaviours I would associate with “camp men” in general). This was in no way an intention of mine, it was truly what came fluidly as I let my femme self shine and let my voice do what it liked! I had a smashing night with everyone, in fact I’ve dubbed it one of the best sober nights i’ve had, that’s how profoundly this new fluidity of speech affected me. A lot of the ways I was talking, my behaviours and the jokes I made would reflect that inner sass and attitude that I felt. It felt so damn right <3 I feel at this moment in time that this voice and speech pattern will continue and advance as time goes on. Whenever I talk to people now I have this voice (and It’s only been days!) naturally. And you know how I mentioned that my voice changing has made me feel so good about myself? It’s also had the effect of giving me strong energy and confidence when talking with anyone. I usually talk with conviction now, without overthinking/worrying about it and most of all; talking to people GIVES me energy. For now. This could always wear off, but it’s never happened like this before so I’m excited for the next few weeks that will be very telling :) So gals and guys and everyone in between or neither, that is my bit for today, have a splendiferous new year filled with love and exploration ;D x

[ph4u57-remade-deactivated201505]

Gender euphoria is a concept that was made to be the opposite of gender dysphoria and describe the strong feeling of happiness that trans people experience when they’re being treated as their true gender. For some people, this feeling can be an indicator of being trans.

Please reblog to support the use of this term!

[podkins]

The amazing art of micro-crochet

Yes, that is a crochet turtle on a fingertip.  And it’s legs are movable.  This is from Etsy seller Muffa.  I spotted some of her work a while back on another site, but came across it again recently. I am totally in awe of this artistic excellence! 

[purplebuddhaproject]

http://ift.tt/1P7PYmO

[the-lifetime-daydreamer]

A New Year - My Trans*ition 1

To everyone reading, have a wonderful and enlightening year and I hope that you are loved or will be loved x This is my first official blog post I guess. I’ve called it “My Trans*ition” so that hopefully people will see that any posts I make with this sub-heading will be dealing with my thoughts, struggles and feelings as a MAAB (Male assigned at birth) transitioning to a girl to an undetermined extent. I already identify as transgender and I don’t believe that any extent of transitioning I do should define the validity of that identity. This series of posts will be talking about my journey through transitioning (I made a post coming out as transgender before this one) but at the writing of this post I’m almost 90% sure I’m a girl and 100% sure I’m not a binary male so I already know roughly where I am at this moment in time. Today is the 2nd of January. This post will talk about a New Years eve party with workshops on conscious sexuality. Its part of a group here in Ireland called Bliss that was for people looking to explore sex and physical intimacy through consent and many other really important topics. So this day I decided to present myself as close to a girl as I've been yet. This included nail polish, a shawl sort of poncho I got in the woman's section and with a stylish bun on the right/back side of my head. Well the physical change really worked! Worked in the sense that the girl inside me let herself breath a whole lot more than ever before. Now I found myself behaving naturally, similar to a camp man might. That was not my intention at all but it may be one adjective someone would have used for me, though no one will be mistaking me for a woman yet (I think). These few wardrobe changes are really important now after realising that I am transgender as it encourages me to stop trying so hard to be masculine anymore and let myself be me instead. This became one of my best sober nights I have ever had! I felt confidence come so so more naturally than ever before and I had a lot more patience for myself and other people. Honestly there were too many differences to mention, it really is like now that I have been allowing and encouraging my inner woman to be herself, my whole life has been transfiguring into this much more fluid and blissful existence. Of course this won't be the same for anyone, but for me it's been a very obvious and fast process since I realised I was transgender, though I have been questioning and identifying as genderfluid for the last 6months which didn't do anything like this for me. My inner personality is really starting to be, and I think I could attribute a lot of this positivity to my transitioning, but I should also acknowledge that this transitioning is helping me to sink into who I truly am so this is why I could be noticing such a drastic difference. Others may have already really sinked into who they are before they began transitioning and could notice much less intense psychological shifting, so "My Trans*ition" should not be compared to any other for that reason and an infinity of others that I really don't need to mention here. The hardest part of this transition so far has been starting it. For me it was as simple as wearing a pink scarf was the scariest part of it! Now I'm out in public in same garb I just described with barely a second thought. The first step into the unknown often is the scariest but I encourage any of you reading this that there lies the greatest comfort. If you realise this, it may help you take that first step, whether it's the beginning of your transition or just one sub-section of your transition remember this: you can and will adapt if you want to, but the first untrained and uncertain steps are necessary to get there even though they can be the scariest and hardest. That's all for the first installment because I'm in Mc Donald's eating breakfast and it feels weird to be doing this here :P Peace out lovelies x

[mar-marshymellow]

Fundraising for hormones

My friend is trying to raise money for hormones to transition, if you could donate some money that would be so so wonderful. She’s a musician but has no income and lives in a very unaccepting environment and doesn’t have the means to leave. Even if it’s just a little bit, it would mean a lot. And if you can’t donate please at least reblog this post in hopes that someone else that sees it may be able to donate.

Here is the description from her funding page:

“I am a trans woman in a very unaccepting household with no income whatsoever except what I’ve gotten from selling my music. I have known I was trans for 5 whole years and have had no ability to transition publicly. It has done horrible things to my mental state and to my self-worth. After depending on hope that my parents would accept me for too long, I cannot be held down by waiting for others anymore. I’m taking action. For those who cannot donate, you can support by liking my music page at facebook.com/leftatlondon or following @leftatlondon on twitter. thank you. any money not used to pay for medication will be used to pay for a new wardrobe.”

[the-lifetime-daydreamer]

My Transgender Story (So Far)

Phew. So this is a hard pill to swallow. For me, for my mom and will be for my family. I keep doubting myself, like all the time. One second I KNOW I’m a woman completely and the next I think I’m just coming up with all of it for attention and because I want to identify with something. The ONLY reason that I’ve continued to pursue despite these crippling doubts is because...I’m happy.  Through it all, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m the most comfortable in my skin BY FAR by just not trying to be masculine all the time anymore. So that’s why I carry on. And you know what, I will continue at the same pace or even faster because if that reason isn’t worth fighting my best for then I seriously don’t know what is... THE STORY SO FAR...briefly, for everyones sake :P

Now there are a few things I want to say first. I don’t hate my body or feel trapped in it. I do feel happy when I look like a woman. If someone mistakes me for a woman I am happy for days. I did not present as a woman from a young age, I have only started to understand/ allow it for the past couple of years. This does NOT mean that I haven’t been experiencing my transgenderism to varying degrees from a young age, it just means that I have repressed it up until recently. Also I have been diagnosed with Aspergers and as a child and teenager with autism I lived in my brain anyways, not my body, where I feel my gender most. So I’ll keep it short...grew up with a very privileged life, white, hetero, cis, middle class male, but was very paranoid from around 12 years of age. Anyway, fast forward to the relevant stuff and acknowledged a feminine energy in myself first a year and a bit ago. As I became more comfortable with myself and got more life experience (these last few years in particular have been the most progressive) I noticed this feminine energy growing at the same pace (or at least showing). Now the occassions that tipped the scale from “feminine” to “woman” were a few in particular that all followed the same pattern: I would slow everything down, walk super slow and deliberately about the place, soak in the sounds and sights, shut off my mind (or at least slow down dramatically) totally. During these periods where I stopped thinking is when I became a woman. But I didn’t acknowledge those few times like that, I simply felt an overwhelming connection with myself and others, a very natural smile, a delicate grace and warm, nurturing empathy for people as well as a feeling that I was sexy or sassy... It was only after the last time that I realised it wasn’t just a lot of femininity, I was a woman. So I started the research! I stuck with genderfluidity. I felt like a man sometimes and more rarely a woman other times. It was a label that didn’t intimidate me, there wasn’t much expectation with it that I put on myself. So for the next six months until this december it went on the backburner as I focused on college and my mental health. I knew it was there in the background but I didn’t really know what to do with it so just let it be. So now we’ve arrived at this month! At the beginning of this month I got a big burst of inspiration and decided to try presenting more feminine. I started so small, and still that was the scariest part, starting. I wore a pink scarf. That was it. Well hawhaw there was other clothes on my body, but not what people would perceive as feminine.. And well it felt so damn nice :’) So then I did a lot more research and asked a few trans people and then wore some nail polish. LOVED IT. Still do, I have more now and my nails are super super long so they look fabulous. Then I wore these rainbow knitted wrist warmers and then placed my fringe across my forehead from one side. Well I have really long hair now (because I LOVE IT) so it definitely looked feminine. At this point I looked really girly. Guess what, STILL LOVED IT. So a hundred or so videos and articles and questions and answers and a loooad more questions without answers later I have taken the next step. I bought an item of womens clothing today. And I bought 5 or 6 items of make up to start off with. And some flaxseed oil and tofu because supplementing these may increase oestrogen levels minimally and also minimally reduce testosterone levels (Don’t worry the levels changed at maximum intake are still negligible). My voice has started changing too astonishingly. It’s getting noticeably more camp/girly as well as my body gestures and the words I use. This was not my intention, I merely let myself be myself and this is what is emerging, and again, surprise surprise, I FUCKIN LOVE IT. It all makes me so happy. But more than happy, it’s making me so damn confident! Like, now I don’t have to think about everything I’m saying because it’s as simple as letting go and being myself. I just didn’t know before that letting the femininity out would have such a cascade effect and it only can because of how deeply it is affecting me internally in ways unseen to suppress it. So now. What do I do, where do I go with this, what about my future or my family or my friends or my career, what about safety!?, what about my reputation, why am i doing this to myself, why dont I just close this book, turn around and walk away never to return? Thankfully there is one response I can keep giving to all of these questions. Because this is me, no why’s, what’s, how’s, if’s or but’s. Me. M. E. And as long as it keeps feeling that way, I will continue on this path. To Be Continued....Watch This Space