Letters to You

Saudade: is a Portuguese and Galician word that has no direct translation in English. It describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or deeply melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. It is the recollection of feelings, experience, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone or something that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. It brings sad and happy feelings all together, sadness for missing and happiness for having experience the feeling. Saudade secretly lives with the hope that what is being long for might return.

[allthingseurope]

London, UK *by Anthony Fomin

[waymond-wang]

PAST LIVES (2023) dir. Celine Song

- But why are you immigrating? Na Young's father is a film director, and you're an artist. Why would you leave all that behind? - When you leave something behind, you gain something, too.

[evrayle]

PAST LIVES 2023, dir. Celine Song

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

Right now, a part of me really wants to retrieve old deleted messages. There are ways to do it, but to go through all the trouble to re-read messages from the past…is it worth it? What would it do for you anyways? Especially when you’re so incredibly happy with the current life you have with your partner. He is the man you will marry - despite how you’ve never imagine to be married. He is the one who made you believe and wants to get marry. He is your rock, the one who grounds you and knows exactly how to love you.

Stay present - what’s past is past for a reason. You can continue to hold love for a someone, but that does not actually mean you’re still in love with them. Be happy, stay happy.

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

Every so often, especially when I’m alone - I think of you. I think about the lessons I learnt from you - the things I learnt about myself, being with you. You still come up in deep conversations I have with certain people; and when that happens, I often wonder if it’s because apart of me still loves you. The reality is, a part of me will always be with you regardless of how happy and how loved I am with the current man I have chosen and adore. Perhaps it’s because you were the first person who truly saw me and the first person I could truly be myself with. And for that, I will always thank you.

I hope you’ve been well.

[travelingcolors-deactivated2020]

Avenida de la Constitución, Sevilla | Spain (by Nacho Coca)

Follow me on Instagram

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

I watched a film that reminded me of us. I wonder how you’re doing and if you’re happy. I’ve been happy and in love, and will be moving in with my love in less than a month. I would like to reach out to you, but it has been so long, I’m not really sure what to say or how to start. Furthermore, would you respond? Would you treat me like an old friend? Because the last time I reached out, you made me feel irrelevant... you made me feel like I couldn’t even be treated as a friend... Maybe it’s hard for you to treat me as a friend? Maybe it’s because of our history? But, I still hope we cross paths one day, and are able to reflect and appreciate what we once had. Because so much of our relationship shaped my identity and the person I am today. Our relationship, is still one of my greatest inspiration.

I hope to hear from you soon, friend.

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

Life is strange. We want the things we can’t have, and when we get them, we either don’t want them anymore or start to want even more. It feels like there’s no middle ground, and there’s no stopping.

I guess that’s what the Buddha meant when he said life is all about suffering; and desire is the root cause of all our sufferings. That, plus my impending health issues that just becomes more and more prevalent as I get older...Please make it stop.

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

He told me he loves me. I said it back after a few moments of initial shock. And, I do mean it. I care for him; I miss him when I’m not with him; and the reality is, I don’t feel the desire to seek anyone else. I feel calm and secure with him (my only insecurity stems from my inner demons). It’s scary though and it feels foreign...because it has been so long since I’ve said those words. Since I’ve felt them. To love and to be loved in return, I love him...

But it’s a little strange how certain individuals can still pop up in my mind... That’s the reality isn’t it; you never really can forget or stop loving people you once loved. It’s just in a different form. What once was there, will always remain, just a little hidden in the depths of our soul and surfaces when the soul becomes ignited again...

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

To You

Through the process of growing up and through countless relationships, I have learnt that fairytales are not real and is a concept that is internally embedded in our minds from early exposures to naive generalities. I acknowledge that and accept it completely and sincerely. I’m not looking for “prince charming” nor am I looking for a handsome philanthropist who’s good with kids. I have met countless men who appears to be “tall, dark and handsome” - and what do they have to offer besides such physicality? Wealth, stability and reputable positions? Perhaps. But I don’t want any of this.

I want a relationship that is filled with endless conversations. We may not always agree and we might be so opinionated and so stubborn that we can never come up with an answer. We will agree to disagree; but we will respect each other’s claims. I want a relationship that defies the conventional. Home will be wherever we decide to go - there is no set destination. We won’t need a piece of document to legitimize our commitment to each other, nor do we have to feel guilty about wanting to put ourselves first by not committing to procreation. By not wanting to establish responsibilities for ourselves. 

I want a relationship that is developed from respect rather than from sexuality. I want you to acknowledge the fact that I will never compromise myself in order to be part of a community. I want you to understand that although I may not be around all the time; that it doesn’t make me think or care about you any less. I want you to support me when I say that I want to make a change in society; I want you to be able to give me insights. I want you to look at me as a single entity; not as a possession. I want you to tell me that you’re attracted to me because you find me interesting, and not just mere physicality. I want a relationship where we can bring out the potential in each other. Potentials that we were never aware of. We don’t need to be wealthy in order to be happy because money is nothing if we can’t face society with a sense of self actualization, awareness and compassion for others. 

To you, whoever and wherever you may be. This is what I want, and this is the girl you’ll have to put up with. I’m not perfect, in fact I’m full of flaws. But if you’re willing to take on the world with me - I will always be here.  

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

What I had forgotten through words, but still rings true

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

Dearest O,

How are you? How have you been? It’s a strange thing really... I’m writing to you, but it’s more like I’m writing to the ghost or the memory of you. The version I remember the most, stuck in a time when I was so incredibly in love with you. I wonder if you’re still the person in my memory. I wonder if you still have moments where you’d think of me, and remember all of those moments we shared together.

I think I’m ready to love again. The man I’ve been seeing has been patient, tender, kind (yet with a side of brashness), and overall loving. I can tell he really cares for me; and, I’ve come to learn to care for him as well. When I’m with him, my feminine traits reveal itself again. Something I am consistently hiding from other suitors; so I guess it’s different this time. He reminded me of you one time; the first time he came over to my place, he saw the painting of the couple walking in the rain, and like you, he said it looked like the couple was walking into a waterfall...

He brought up exclusivity a month ago, but I wasn’t quite emotionally ready for it. But his patient keeps winning me over. I think I’m ready this time... I know that the next “serious talk” that we’re going to have is going to have to come from me... but I truly think I’m ready this time. I want to love and be loved again. I’m happy with him. And most importantly, I don’t miss him when I’m with him or feel like I can’t reach him when he’s right next to me. He doesn’t need me to “fix” him. Unlike you...

You’re right O - you don’t have to worry about me because I really do know how to find my happiness. But know this, the version of you that I remember so well, is still the love that seems to transcend reality and time. Moving forward, I know I will eventually come to love this man, but I also know that it will not be the type of love I felt for you. And that’s okay, because each relationship is different and there are many forms of “love” in this universe.

But...I’m writing this, because... I just want to finally let go of the memory of you. Nothing can compare. Nothing should be compared. You will always be my muse, my inspiration...

Until we meet again...

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

What a turn of events in the last little while. In the last 3 months, I have moved, received a raise, made new friends, was involved with 4 men, and am currently progressing with the fourth with the potential of a full on relationship. Everything has happened so quickly, so suddenly, yet...just at the right time.

Life has a way of throwing things at you when you least expect it, but also at the right moments - when you’re ready and semi full with yourself.

I’m not sure where exactly I’ll go with him...but it feels right, and he’s kind, tender and considerate. If you don’t give it a chance, you’ll never know.

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

It’s like déjà vu. It’s happening all over again - except this time it definitely hurts much less. In fact it doesn’t really hurt. It just feels shitty. How do you fathom why it always end the same way? It’s like adding another one to the books...

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

It’s strange really. You can receive all the attention in the world, have men vie for you, and simply have all the fun that you can absorb. And yet, still feel like something substantial and inherent missing. I know who I am, I know what I want and I know I’m capable of getting it. But sometimes, I wonder if these men only want me for the way I look, or fetishize over the fact that I’m Asian.

I’m having fun, but I still want love. I’m not a concept or an idealised fantasy. I want someone to love me for who I am. I found it once, I hope I’ll find it again.

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

Reading old posts and realizing how young and naive I once was. But also realizing how much of a person I’ve grown. I can’t change the past or my past actions, but I can definitely make peace with it. And yes, it sucks that as much as you want to change a person’s perspective - you just can’t, they may be final with their decision. What you can do is apologize, in which you have. 

At the end, the past is the past, and I can not blame myself for my actions. They’re apart of me, will always be apart of me. Do not let the past consume you again - you’ve been over this for years. Don’t let the darkness take you back. Look straight ahead and move forward. Everything looks better in front anyways.

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

Everything that I’m currently working for right now is for my travels. I know a lot of people don’t understand what the hell it is that I’m doing or thinking - and to be entirely honest, sometimes I even question myself. I don’t question myself often; but today, maybe it’s just one of those days. 

I could probably just stick to what I’m doing currently or start job searching for another job that’ll satisfy my ideal. But, I’m not, and I’m not where I want to be in life yet - I know that, and with my capabilities I could probably get them real soon; but I’m not. It’s just, I know exactly what I want; and I even have plans to getting them - but, I’m not starting on them right now because I want to travel, to marvel at the world some more. Yes, going to India and obtaining my yoga training certificate is part of the future; but I’m still travelling - I’ll be away again for a good 2-4 months. It’s a one way ticket baby. Some people say that I can still travel after I settle down - but, that’s a lie. When you settle down, things change, people change, we have responsibilities, we age, we are no longer as active, and what happens is you are no longer a traveller, you are a tourist. I don’t think that would be the case for me, but I’m just being realistic here. 

I know what I want; but, I just don’t know where I want it. I’ve been trying really hard to imagine my life here - and I can - if not where I’m currently living then perhaps somewhere else in North America. But every time I try picturing myself  - something stops me half way from staying happy. And I start doubting myself.  And I wonder what if? I just want to be a self sustaining woman - I don’t know if its my need to prove to others, or the need to prove to myself anymore. It just is, and the honest truth - it gets tiring. It’s like a constant battle with myself. 

Truth is, I really really really want to settle down; contrary to what most people think or see. Settling down - not with an individual (if it so happens, then I’m just lucky), but learning how to stay put, to be stable, to have others around me feel secure, to have others around me stop worrying about me. But the urge to take off…I don’t know what it is, but it’s really strong. I’m easily amused, but I’m also easily bored; and once I’m bored - I feel the need to take off, to change, to venture, to try something new. Sometimes, it’s so strong that it frightens me. I’ve been trying really hard to understand it - and sometimes, I come to the conclusion that maybe I am a wanderer… but I’m too afraid of accepting it, or even acknowledging it because my life thus far is so comfortable that I’m afraid to give it up. 

…And I just don’t want to upset or disappoint my mother. My father never told me this, but it was revealed to me while talking to my mother the other day - he wants me to take off, to pursue whatever it is that I’m searching for, even if it means leaving home and going out into the wild basically. He wants me to find my answers. But, my mom…she doesn’t know it, but I do feel restrain by her. Even though she constantly tells me to go, her actions show otherwise. I am staying because I love her, but I’m also worried about her. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that it’s just very personal - and life is full of choices that are difficult to make. I’m not what I want to be yet, and I’m not sure where I want to be. I want to look for it - but at the same time, I don’t want to completely leave home. Leave…as in it could take years rather than months… I’ve been trying to find a balance between the two, but I’m starting to realize that sometimes….you can only choose one. 

And I wish I had the answers already…

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

Still relevant to this day...

[the-meaning-behind-saudade]

Isn’t it strange how the latest love story ends up being even sadder and more tragic then the previous one? At least the other one had a chance. This one doesn’t even get one. In fact, this one ends with one party withholding suppressed feelings for almost ten years. Almost ten years of secrecy. And an inability to say “I don’t have feelings for you now” without being on the verge of tears with a deep swallow.

The past really does have a way of haunting you. I can’t help but blame myself for the outcome. “I want the one I can’t have” he once said, I now know what he means...

If I could turn back time, I wish I never been with your cousin. I wish I never asked you to drop me off at his place that one night. I wish I could take the emotional pain away from you, and I wish I didn’t hurt you the way I did. I wish the me then, was the me now.

If it were another place, another time - I wish that we’d at least have our chance together. Just a chance.