themusicsoul

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[the-musicsoul]

am i really this hard to love or am i not deserving of it anymore?

- i am tired of fighting to be loved

- a desperate shout into the void

[the-musicsoul]

i looked in the mirror for a little too long today. my fingers feathered along my cheek, tracing my features. i don’t quite have my mothers eyes, or my fathers nose. i say quite because they although they are very similar to their creator’s, it doesnt quite fit my face.

i look in the mirror and i don’t see my mother nor my father looking back at me- aren’t children supposed to look like their parents? am i not my mothers child with our shared stubbornness and independence. am i not my fathers anger and love?

perhaps it makes a bit sense, that i look nothing such that is of my creation. i’ve always felt slightly out of place, ever so misunderstood. loved, but never truly liked.

- who am i? what am i to become?

[the-musicsoul]

i have lost so many versions of myself that only exist in the memory of people i know longer talk to.

how am i supposed to deal with so much loss? how do i grieve?

[the-musicsoul]

new poems, check it out on wattpad <3 ————————— #wattpadcreatorsprogram #wattpad #wattpaders #wattpadcreators #reading #writing #poetry #poem #poetrycommunity #poems #poemsociety #poetsofinstagram #sad #hurt #heartbreak #love #featured #explorepage #canva #reedsy #writersofinstagram #writer #writing #writingcommunity https://www.instagram.com/p/CpBOMe_P9Ze/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[the-musicsoul]

is it my face or my heart that is such an ugly monster that no one dares to come near?

[the-musicsoul]

am i really this hard to love or am i not deserving of it anymore?

- i am tired of fighting to be loved

- a desperate shout into the void

[the-musicsoul]

i am still shouting.

- someone please listen.

[the-musicsoul]

my voice is becoming softer

- lozenges can’t help me anymore

[the-musicsoul]

i am both. hard to love and undeserving of it.

[the-musicsoul]

my hands are stained with the blood of every version of myself that i have attempted to kill

and my heart is haunted by the memory each time.

themusicsoul

[the-musicsoul]

all i do is exist and write about existence.

it is a terribly beautiful and complex thing i do every day.

[the-musicsoul]

youth.

I search for my youth 

in the cracks and crevices

of everything I touch. 

I search for my youth in the heart of my mother,

but hers is missing too. 

I search for my youth in the hands of my father, 

but his is missing too. 

I search for my youth in the mind of my brother,

where nothing but fleeting glimpses remain. 

I search for my youth in the eyes of childhood peers, 

but sometimes I wonder if they ever had any. 

I search for my youth in places I felt it suffer, 

within the walls of the house I used to call a home and 

the divets of the tile that line the bathrooms. 

I search for my youth in this new place, 

where the sun always shines and the leaves never fall, 

but there is no youth here.

 

I search for my youth 

in the cracks and crevices of

my past and my future.

 

Perhaps the youth I seek 

no longer exists in the present.

themusicsoul

the weight of silence

[the-musicsoul]

The Warmth of a Tragic Hug

it feels like a hug,

wrapping me in its warmth from the inside out.

starting from my toes, to my knees; my lungs and my heart

engulfing my hands and eyes and brain.

it holds me,

like a mother holds her child;

gentle, caressing and caring.

before compassion turns into indifference,

before love turns to distaste.

it whispers sweet nothings,

swirling it’s beautifully tragic lullaby into an existence where the line

between love and hate blurs.

it’s a heaviness

that rests on my shoulders and my limbs

in a comfortable river of pain

that carries me to the end of each day.

it’s a warmth like no other,

a comfort,

a familiar scent in a house that is no longer home.

it’s a warmth that holds its friends close, but its enemies closer,

fearful of the knife my hand holds, pressing against my heart.

it’s a warmth that never ceases to exist.

so i’ll carry it on my back

let it intertwine through my hands and eyes and brain;

let it breathe its darkness into my lungs.

and i’ll allow it to sit

with me as its friend. 

themusicsoul

the weight of silence on wattpad

[the-musicsoul]

am i really this hard to love or am i not deserving of it anymore?

- i am tired of fighting to be loved

- a desperate shout into the void

[the-musicsoul]

i am still shouting.

- someone please listen.

[the-musicsoul]

my voice is becoming softer

- lozenges can’t help me anymore

[the-musicsoul]

i’ll scream for eternity, i believe.

themusicsoul

[the-musicsoul]

who are you?

well, i am a scorpio. i like the autumn.

no, that’s the not the question. who. are. you?

i’m not sure i understand. i like dogs. cats are okay too.

…

that’s not the right answer is it?

no. you’re avoiding.

i’m sorry, i don’t know what else.

who are you.

…

who. are. you.

WHO. ARE. YOU.

WHO.

ARE.

YOU.

…

WHO. WHO. WHO. WHO.

i’m you. i’ve always been you.

[the-musicsoul]

if i cannot be beautiful in this life

let me become a sunset.

[the-musicsoul]

i don’t believe in god.

but sometimes i stare at the sky wishing someone will answer me.

[the-musicsoul]

am i really this hard to love or am i not deserving of it anymore?

- i am tired of fighting to be loved

- a desperate shout into the void

[the-musicsoul]

i am still shouting.

- someone please listen.

[dark-romantics]

~ Courtney Peppernell