The Panic Saga

I make comics about my Panic Disorder to help people understand it more! My name is Marta, I'm 21 years old and in 2012 I found myself stuck with Panic Disorder. It's hard but we are strong enough to deal with it! I want to show people that mental health is just as important as physical health. I want to make people understand.

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Okay, here’s an update.

And a little explanation for people who don’t know me! My name’s Marta, I’m 21 years old and I suffer from anxiety and panic disorders. Had them diagnosed in 2012 and it’s been a constant battle... and still of course is. But here’s the deal; on March 29th I went off medications and was scared af but... to be honest, not much had changed. Which is a good thing I guess! But that’s not the point. The point is I think I’ve finally made my peace with my disorders.I It’s still as hard, I still get panic attacks on daily basis, I still have “emergency” meds, I still go nuts if I can’t fall asleep or haven’t eaten “when I was supposed to eat”, I still get so many intrusive thoughts it’s hard to imagine, am scared for my future... but I made my peace with it. It’s still terrible but I feel happy. I’ve learned to see beauty in small things. I’ve let myself to have and express emotions. I’ve learned to see a new day as a beautiful thing.

I know that there will be hard times, I’ll have breakdowns and most terrible moments. But that’s just the way it is. And I know I can be accepted for who I am.

And I know you can do it too. All of you can do it. Because you are so strong, you can’t even imagine it. If you’re fighting this fight every day - I’m proud of you. If you got up today - I’m proud of you. If you have accomplish anything you had planned for the day - I’m proud of you. If you’re still alive and going - I’m proud of you. And I will always be. Because it takes guts to fight a mental disorder everyday. And you are amazing.

If you want to talk, I’m here. (You can catch me more often on my instagram - tolkienova, but I’ll try to be here more often!)

I love you.

Stay strong <3

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Hello everyone! Today is Valentine’s Day and I wanted to wish all of you a good day. Whether you’re in a relationship, or single - you deserve love. And you are loved. It’s important to stop for a moment and realise by how many wonderful people we are surrounded. I’m single, but today I realised how amazing my friends and family are. I couldn’t sleep at all tonight and was getting a lot of panic attacks. My brother let me sit with him till 5 am to make me feel safer. Later on my best friend offered me I could stay with her tonight if I still was nervous and scared, even though she has uni tomorrow. My dad messaged me that I can always trust him and my mum. And I am honestly blessed by those people. Of course I get sad that I’m alone and that I haven’t been in a relationship and if you do too, it’s normal. You’re a human being and you want love. But romantic love isn’t the only kind of love out there. Remember that. I love you all and am proud of all of you who are fighting some kind of a battle. Keep going. Keep moving forward. Stay strong. Love yourself.

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I'm having my finals and I'm honestly a mess. I manage and try my best but it's so fucking hard, especially with my anxiety and panic disorders that are kicking so hard in right now. I'm having troubles with my heart beat as much as I've never had before due to stress. And can't fall and remain asleep, which is a huge deal for me. If I do fall asleep it's mostly thanks to sleeping pills but you can't call that a good night sleep, can you? In anxiety and panic disorders it's very very common to suffer from some kind of insomnia. Your body is stressed and so is your mind. You can't relax either of these. But it's important to remember that sleep is one of our most basic needs and we ALWAYS will eventually fall asleep. It's a more basic need than the need of feeling safe. If you, like me, get panic attacks because you can't fall asleep and think "oh my God, I have to fall asleep or else I'll never sleep again/I won't be able to perform anything tomorrow" remember that your body will eventually get tired and put itself to sleep. In theory it's easy, but when it's nighttime and you're alone and scared in your bed I know it's hard to believe it. But heck, it's true. Very helpful it is to have a sleeping schedule, to try to go to bed at the same time, even if you're not going to fall asleep. But if you can't fall asleep - don't force yourself to be lying in bed. Go eat something, do crosswords, read a book, sit down for a moment. And after it try to go to sleep again. Eventually you will. And MOST important things is for you to understand that you DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. You CAN. But you don't have to. You don't have to fall asleep at the exact moment, you don't have to go to work/school/date the next day. Everything is optional and your mental health and comfort is most, most important. And if you're fighting anxiety and panic disorder - remember that you're not alone in it and you always can talk about it to someone. You can to me.

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Dating has always been a problem for me. At first because I was afraid of getting a panic attack in front of the person I like. Now I know it's natural to be nervous around your crush and most people understand that. Actually I’ve never been turned down because of my panic disorder. Today dating is a problem for me because I was in love and got hurt. And unfortunately I am negative about falling into affection and if I feel like I am beginning to get fond of someone I just try not to acknowledge this. So I don't get hurt again. I know it's not healthy and I am working on that. I don't close myself completely but try to be more careful and decide before if someone is worth my tears over them. If not, then bye at the beginning. And it's nothing bad to refuse a date, or get out of a toxic relationship, or not be into someone. Darlings! Remember that you are most important! Self care is most important! You can't pour from an empty cup, can you? Don't force yourself into anything you don't want or like. You are an important person and deserve to be happy. Even with mental health problems - we still deserve love. And remember that you're not a burden. Someday you will fall in love and they will fall back in and they will accept you the way you are. It's worth waiting for. But till then, I try to think of my previous experiences as lessons that needed to be learned. It makes me stronger and so it does to everyone. Don't stop believing and remember that mental illness is not something that will prevent you from having a loving and healthy relationship :)

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So, the biggest problem giving me panic attacks is my Uni. This semester is particularly hard. There's so much to do and I don't see myself finishing anything. It's the worst. Yesterday I got several panic attacks thinking about uni.  I try to tell myself it'll be alright but I'm far from believing this. The future scares me. (this was posted on instagram some time ago, now I’m close to finishing finals and I had many breakdowns but I didn’t give up!) But if you got the same problem, then remember that it isn't the end of the world. Your school, work is only a small part of your life and your health is very important. Don't give up. Keep going. You are in the moment. You are right here, right now. While the future may be scary... today is small and you can handle the today. I do believe in you. Everything will turn alright. Look at how far you’ve come. I’m proud of you.

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Long time no see!

The truth is I forgot all my passwords connected to this account...

Anyway! I’m back with some panic comics!

Today on the subject: depersonalisation and derealisation. It’s a very common addition to your panic attack. It can be a reason of getting an attack, or be with you during it. Either ways it’s very unpleasant and makes you think you’re going crazy. But the truth is... you’re not. It’s just a panic attack with D&D. Actually the fear of going crazy is the reason you’re not going crazy, because you’re present and you’re aware. And it’s a lot. If you feel D&D the senses are most important, so try to focus on your surroundings - touch the table, think of it’s structure, the warmth of it, if it feels nice or not. Try to define colours of the room you’re in. Count 5 things that are similar to each other. Just be in the moment. Remember that the fear will eventually go away and you are safe and you will be fine again.

Lots of love to all of you.

I’m so proud of you.

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This time about one of my biggest fears... Going to a hairdresser. Or basically any place that requires me sitting in one place and people doing stuff around me. Most common thought that comes to my head is "what if I night a panic attack?" - it is connected with needing to go out earlier, but with just a part of head done? With wet hair? Withoit paying? With people watching? It terrifies me! I know it's more of an anxiety thing, but one time, two years ago I got a panic attack right before going to a hairdresser. My dad drove me there and then I got a panic attack. I was crying and saying I cat do that I can't do that! I was taking one step in the building and then retreating. My dad took me walking around the building. We made two circles and then I tried to attend my visit again. After five more minutes I finally stepped in and got a haircut. Still being scared. Two days ago I had a small panic attack before my hairdresser visit but managed to go in without crying. Pitiful, I know... But with such a disorder - a "fear disorder" - everything seems like such a big challenge. People with mental illnesses fight every day. For many years, if not for the rest of their lives. So, be easy on us. Try to understand and maybe read more about mental disorders! :)

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I try to show the reality of mental disorders.

I haven't posted this lately because I didn't have any major panic attacks. Small anxiety attacks at most. This comic is different. Because it shows how I much prefer to be scared than depressed. Of course the panic disorder ruins my life and is horrible but there are worse things. I've been in tough depression and it was the worst thing in my life. To panic and anxiety I am used and  know how to deal with it. But being depressed is such a different thing. You can't get used to it. Lately I've been feeling like this. And it makes me worried. I'm worried that my disorders are covering something bigger, like masked depression or agitated one. I know it's unlikely, these are probably small breakdowns, but I can't help but feel like something is not right. I'm tired all the time, I lost interest in meeting with friends, talking, I'm frustrated, powerless. I feel like everything is kinda pointless. Everyone will probably say I'm exaggerating that's why I won't share it with my family nor friends. I need to talk about it with my psychologist. People, remember that mental health is so important. If you feel something's wrong - seek help, don't be ashamed of it. You are not alone in it. You are loved.

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thank you for your blog :) I think it really helps people dealing with their disorder (including me)

I'm really happy to hear that! :) I'll try to keep helping you! It's the best feeling in the world. Kisses!!

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you are the sweetest and your answer was perfect, thank you so much! I'll definitely keep your words in mind. I hope you have a lovely day, you really deserve it. keep fighting, love. ♡

I'm happy I helped a little :) You seem like a wonderful person and deserve all the gems of the world.Remember that you can message me anytime!Kisses and keep fighting

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One of proofs that panic attacks are unrelated to any reasonable fear is this. Panic attacks during the night. It can catch you any time of the day and night. Usually, when it comes to nights, it happens in early hours of the night. Between midnight and 2/3 am. But it can also happen later. My first (biggest ever) night panic attack happened at exactly 5:26 am. Something like two, three months ago. It was a horrible thing. I woke up and just had a chance to think that I woke up and suddenly I felt dizzy. And powerless. Surrounded by fear and sudden need to GET OUT. I ran to the toilet and (sorry for drastic description) had a big diarrhoea and tried to vomit (it’s what your body does when adrenaline is too high). I don’t know how long it lasted but later I laid on the bathroom’s floor shaking. Then I got up and went back to bed; a huge wave of cold sweats flooded me (it was actually a relief because it made me feel more… “real”, I don’t know how to describe, it but it was a good thing). As I was lying in bed, thinking I’m dying, I had to talk to myself saying it will be alright and that I need to take my emergency pill to calm myself down. I had to tell myself that it was such moments that I have my pills for. It took A LOT of strength to make myself move but I did it. I eventually fell asleep. I don’t know how long it lasted… Probably like 10 minutes, but it felt like hours. I considered calling an ambulance because it really felt like I was dying. I didn’t want to wake my family up because I knew it would not help at all. I had to deal with it on my own and I did. And it made me feel damn proud. But also I was incredibly, incredibly tired. Panic attacks are a real fight. A hard fight because against your own mind. So remember that. People should know how brave are people fighting mental disorders and illnesses. They’re brave souls. Learn more about mental health and be easy on us! We’re really trying.

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Hey Marta I'm Lina from Germany and a Fan from your Blog especially your art. I like how your art describes the way panic can rise from out of nowhere and keep you frozen in place. I struggled with anxiety disorder most of my live, since elementary school and I really am tired but it helps to know that there are people like you who share their personal feelings. Thank you for that. Always Keep Fighting.

It means so much for me. It's incredible to know that someone feels this way and supports me in sharing my experiences!I'm sad to hear that you've been struggling with anxiety for such h a long time but I'm glad to know that you're still here and you're fighting it! Kick anxiety's ass! Always Keep Fighting, fellow Hunter! :)

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What's the difference between a panic attack and an anxiety attack?

Actually, I'm not sure 100%... But I know that at the beginning I've been getting mostly anxiety attacks and they are about fear about what may happen. It's a major stress and anxiety about what can happen and trying to avoid the situation. You feel light headed and nauseous. With panic it's different. Panic is a real experience of fear. Of a need to get out, star running away from unexplained fear. You feel like dying, going crazy and you're afraid of these things. You get dizzy, feel strange strength in your limbs (it's adrenaline), you get cold sweats, hot, often diarrhea, and vomiting. It's a terrible feeling. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced.

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hi there! so you really seem to understand the feeling of panic and I've recently been having awful panic attacks that have brought me into this always-terrified state. I just got on a new medication after getting out of the psych ward because of it but could you maybe give me some advice on how to get through it when I'm out? because almost every time I go out, I have to be driven home because I get really sick and faint and I can't get out of that state no matter what I do. thank you! <3

Hi, sweetie! The mid-scares are a real problem. There are people who haven’t got panick attacks for years and they still are afraid they will get one.I get panick attacks from time to time. Something like 3 or 4 times a week.For me, what works, is self motivation. Even if I don’t believe in it. I keep telling myself I’m safe, I can get home, I can get over it, I think about movies or books I like… Basically, I try to draw myself outta the stress in my mind. What you need most is time. Give yourself time. Tell yourself “I’ll wait 5 minutes and if I still feel bad, I’ll go out.”. You also said that you have new medication. They still need time to start working. Antidepressants/anti-anxiety medication need around one to two weeks to start working. Ask your doctor about medication that you could take when you start feeling anxious. I have something like that. And they are my “emergency” pills - when I feel really bad. Even having them around makes me feel safer. But really, most importantly, you need to comfort yourself. It’s about you. You can take care of yourself and you matter, dear. You need to realise it’s not bad or your fault you have attacks and you should fight even if you’re scared you’ll get one.Remember about breathing. Slowly and deeply. It really works.There are also many sites for people with anxiety and pd and it helps me to read it and know I’m not alone. Take care, darling!! Remember you’re not alone and it’s to live with. It’s not a death sentence and fighting it is possible :) lots of love and strength for you, sweetie!If you're not satisfied with my answer tell me that and I'll try to help again. Ask me as many questions as you need to and I'll try to help you. Love!

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This is just hilarious.. It's like i'm browsing my life trough your comics. And you are very talented :) Have you ever tried to overcome your pd? I meen like predispose or something like that? I have been trough depression and probably the same rollercoaster rides as you, but also got help and i really feel better, right now im doing things that i only dreamed of :)

I’m so happy to hear you are so well now!I am fighting my disorders - I go on therapy and get medication. It's better :) it started 3 years ago (at least I was diagnosed then) and since then it's much better. I have my ups and downs but everyone does. The darkness will pass and the sun will shine bright as ever, just like Samwise Gamgee said :)

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Don't ever hesitate. Reblog this. TUMBLR RULE. When you see it, REBLOG IT.

The original post only has US helplines. I've added UK helplines underneath. It would be great if people could add numbers from everywhere in the world.

Depression Hotline: [phone]

Suicide Hotline: [phone]

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: [phone]

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail [email protected]

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: [email protected]

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 [email protected]

b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: [email protected]

b-eat youthline (for under 25's with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: [email protected]

Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600

Drinkline: 0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail [email protected]

Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

India Self Harm Hotline: [phone]

India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868, Free and available 24/7

suicide hotlines;

Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430

Australia: 13-11-14

Austria: 01-713-3374

Barbados: 429-9999

Belgium: 106

Botswana: 391-1270

Brazil: 21-233-9191

Canada: 1-800-448-3000

China: 852-2382-0000

(Hong Kong: 2389-2222)

Costa Rica: 606-253-5439

Croatia: 01-4833-888

Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67

Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908

Denmark: 70-201-201

Egypt: 762-1602

Estonia: 6-558-088

Finland: 040-5032199

France: 01-45-39-4000

Germany: 0800-181-0721

Greece: 1018

Guatemala: 502-234-1239

Holland: 0900-0767

Honduras: 504-237-3623

Hungary: 06-80-820-111

Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90

Israel: 09-8892333

Italy: 06-705-4444

Japan: 3-5286-9090

Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292

Malaysia: 03-756-8144

(Singapore: 1-800-221-4444)

Mexico: 525-510-2550

Netherlands: 0900-0767

New Zealand: 4-473-9739

New Guinea: 675-326-0011

Nicaragua: 505-268-6171

Norway: 47-815-33-300

Philippines: 02-896-9191

Poland: 52-70-000

Portugal: 239-72-10-10

Russia: 8-20-222-82-10

Spain: 91-459-00-50

South Africa: 0861-322-322

South Korea: 2-715-8600

Sweden: 031-711-2400

Switzerland: 143

Taiwan: 0800-788-995

Thailand: 02-249-9977

Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800

Ukraine: 0487-327715

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you are very strong because i just stopped doing everything because of my pani attacks, i have agoraphobia with it and feel like a loser atm because i alos stopped going to college and i dont see where im headed its like this cloud of angst is suffocating me

Thank you, sweetie. I'm happy to hear you think I'm strong - we both are, because we are fighting.When it comes to your fear and agoraphobia... The one real solution is to go out no matter what. Trying is the key. If you don't make it out, you still can say "I tried" and "I'm fighting"."Make choices that reflect your hopes, not your fears." The truth is, you are stronger than your fear and you can win. You just keep trying, keep getting up, keep facing your fears even though I know how hard it is.I couldn't go to university for the first two weeks last year because of anxiety. But eventually it gets better - fear can't last forever. You can make yourself cards with words reminding you that everything is fine and you are going to be alright. And when you're out - read them to yourself until you become at least a bit better. Remember also that the right treatment and medications are very important. Find a psychiatrist and psychologist and always keep fighting!You can make it and I believe in you and love you. Kisses and lots of strength to you!!