it's too hard to describe this | EsDeeKid
Pairing: EsDeeKid x Reader
Summary: After finding out your best friend is leaving for his first tour, you have a rough time dealing with it.
Genre: One Shot, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Idiots in Love, Hint of Angst, Comfort, Happy Ending, Use of "y/n"
Rating: SFW (Safe for Work)
Warnings: Reader has insecurities, overthinking, smoking (tobacco, not by reader), crying
Divider: Made by @suupersonic, does not belong to me!
Authors Note: Hello! This is my first fanfiction I've written in literal years. I am new fan of EsDee and wanted to try my hand at something with him! I am totally open to criticism. Please give me some feedback and I hope you enjoy my first posted fanfic! Enjoy! (Title was a lyric taken from Olivia Rodrigo's song "honeybee"!)
The twist of what seemed to be only negative emotions, to your dismay, had been making a home in your stomach since he told you the news. For lack of better words, sick to your stomach. You knew it was coming with how successful his music was becoming and already had become. Jay was embarking on his first tour. After countless late night writing sessions, struggling with the right lyrics because he wanted it to be perfect, he finally had his breakthrough.
You felt guilty for feeling this way. You should be happy. You are, of course you are, but the two of you had never been away from each other that long. The two of you nearly saw each other everyday, or every other day depending on your schedules. Even if it wasn’t an “ideal” hangout, it didn’t matter. Just being in each other’s company was more than enough. Whether it was Jay waiting for you outside your job after your long shifts, wanting to grab something to eat, going shopping, anything really.
Due to all this, it leads you into another emotion that has been at the forefront of your mind as of late: selfish. How could you even begin to feel this way when this is what he’s always wanted? This is what he deserves and you’re making it about you? He treats you with the utmost respect. Best friend you could have ever asked for and you’re feeling this way? Why is he even friends with you? You’re polar opposites. He’s going to go on tour and-
You think back to when he first told you. Jay had texted you while you were at work, “hurry an get off got news for ya”. You remember feeling anxious reading it initially, fearing the unknown of what he really meant. Once finishing up for the evening, you finally clock out. You left out of the back door and there he was. Leaning up against the old brick of your work place, smoking a cigarette, waiting for you. To you, he looked so ethereal, no matter what it was he was doing. You mentally shook that thought away almost immediately.
“Hey”, he greeted you, tossing his cigarette to the ground, crushing it with his foot. He walked towards you with his arm presented for you to hold onto, like a true gentleman. “Proper tonight, are we?” you laughed. “Proper as I can be”. The two of you began walking towards your home, talking about each other’s days. The two of you’s shoulders brushing unintentionally as you continue to hold onto his arm.
You finally can’t take the anticipation any longer and ask, “So what did your text earlier mean?”. Jay’s expression changes to a more serious one. “Well, it’s two things”. You saw your home slowly approaching and he stopped, turning towards you to face you, putting his hands inside his hoodie pockets now. “They booked me for a tour.. I’ll be leavin September". You’re not exactly sure what the expression on your face told him, but it caused him to add in “Won’t be gone long! Should be back in November.” he smiles, almost nervously it seemed. Despite the sickness you already could feel consuming your stomach, you smiled brightly, hugging him excitedly. “Are you serious?! That’s amazing news, I’m so happy for you! How are you feeling about it?” It felt like ‘word vomit’ coming out of your mouth. The words just kept coming, probably to distract you from how you were truly feeling. You let go of him before he can even reciprocate the hug, looking at his expression. He seemed calmer now that you reacted positively, he smiled. “I’m excited, nervous. Think that’s normal for this kinda thing?” He sighs, seeming nervous again. “I want you to come with me- or I mean us.” He blurts out, looking directly at you. Your heart stops at that, you say nothing. He continued, “You don’t have to, but it’d mean a lot, having you there.” You let out a shaky sigh. “Jay, I don’t know.. I would have to quit work and I wouldn’t want to intrude on anyth-”. You’re interrupted by him grabbing both of your hands. “Stop. I wouldn’t of asked ya to come if I didn’t want ya there. Just think ‘bout it, you have some time before we go.”
One week away now, the tour is looming over you. Your racing thoughts are halted by a poke to your forehead, you immediately attempt to swat the source’s hand away, but he’s too fast. “Oi, what’s going on in that head of yours?” Jay asks, and chuckles slightly at your irritable expression. You feel your face heat up slightly, embarrassed. You smile slightly, in attempts to hide the current whirlwind of thoughts clouding your mind. “Nothing, sorry. Anything I can help with?” Currently, you were at Jay’s house, sitting on his bed. You two had gone out to the store today to buy things he needed for tour. You helped by putting his hygiene items into travel sized bottles much to his dismay, saying he could do it himself. You ignored him and continued helping anyway. You folded all of his clothes he planned to take with him neatly. Once everything was put together that he needed, all that was left for it to be packed into his suitcases. That task you did leave to him. “No, think I’m about done.” With that, you felt your stomach drop. Done packing means that’s it. All he has left to do is leave you. You almost roll your eyes with how dramatic you’re being. An internal war with yourself with reality vs. your emotions. “Oh! Good! That was fast.” You respond. “Won’t be gone long.” Jay sighs, running a hand through his hair. He zips up his last suitcase, placing it in the corner of his bedroom with the others he’d already packed. Jay lets out another sigh of relief and plops face down on his bed next to you.
You laugh. “Glad to be done?” you ask. He pops his head up from the sheets, “Fuck yeah. You hungry?” he asks. You look over at the clock on his nightstand, the time reading 7:48PM. You hadn’t realized much time had passed already. “Are you?” you question. “I asked you first”. You poke his forehead, like he did to you earlier, “I asked you second”. Jay rolls his eyes, “Ya, I’m hungry.” “What for?” “Breakfast.” “You got stuff here to cook it?” “Yes ma’am”. With that, you scootch off of his bed, making your way to his kitchen. “Wait lemme help ya!” Jay yells from his bedroom. “No!” You yell back. You know where everything is and what he wants. This wasn’t a first.
While you’re cooking, you hear him padding his way out to the kitchen from outside. He comes up from behind you, putting his arms around your waist, watching you cook over your shoulder. You try to stifle the smile that makes its way to your face in no time. Your nostrils fill with the scent of cigarette smoke that clings to his clothes. “Now lemme help ya.” he says. You turn around, facing him, his hands not faltering from your hips. “Fine, you can help me by getting the table ready?” “Deal”. You continue cooking and he gets plates out with silverware, a comfortable silence between the two of you. The comfortability of it doesn’t last long as you look down at the eggs you’re scrambling for the two of you. You think to yourself that this is the one of the last times you’ll be doing this for him for a long while. You feel the tears beginning to well up in your eyes and that familiar strain in your throat.
You subtly wipe the tears that threatened to fall from your eyes and continue on. Once finished, you plated food for Jay first and then yourself. He starts eating before you even sit down. “Couldn’t wait huh?” you question him. “No ma’am.” he responded with a mouth full of food, you laugh. You look down at the meal you made, you have no appetite. You poke at your eggs and you almost give them a dirty look. You let out a small sigh and resort to taking a sip of your water. Jay, too invested in his meal to take notice, yet.
You begin thinking about how you don’t even deserve to be upset about the situation you’ve found yourself in. Jay had asked you multiple times to come on tour with him after asking you initially. Each time you danced around the question. It’s not that you didn’t want to be with him, or see him perform. It was all just you. All you and your insecurities. You never felt like you truly deserved Jay as a friend, even after all these years. You always felt like a nuisance to him, feeling like he only kept you around because he pitied you. You didn’t fit in with his crowd at all, even though they were always kind to you and included you. You felt embarrassed when you two would be seen in public together. You didn’t want anyone to look at him and wonder what he was doing hanging out with a girl like you. You had no quality attributes about yourself. No matter what, you’ll never truly believe that he’s your friend because he actually wants to be, even though you’d like to believe that.
Before you knew it, those tears that threatened to fall earlier had returned and were indeed falling down your cheeks. You force yourself to look down directly at your plate to avoid Jay seeing, but it was too late. “Y/N, what’s wrong?” he asks concerned, you hear his chair move on the floor and soon enough, he’s next to you. “Look at me”, he places his hand on your cheek, crouching down to your level. You force your face away from him, looking the opposite direction, placing your hand over your mouth. “I’m sorry” you sniff, standing up out of your chair, walking to his bathroom. “Did I do something?” he asks, trailing behind you. You sit on the toilet seat, grabbing a few tissues and covering your face, avoiding his gaze. “No, you didn’t do anything Jay”, you sniffle and laugh out of embarrassment. “I don’t want you to see me like this”. Jay sighs. “Fucken hell, I’m not going to leave you in here like this.” You see him crouch down in front of you under the tissues you have splayed over your face. He takes your arms, gently moving them away from your face, tossing the tear stained tissues in the trash next to you. “That’s better.” he smiles up at you softly, holding both of your hands in his. His thumb gently caresses the back of your hands. You can’t look him in the eyes. This whole thing is so embarrassing to you. It’s not like you haven’t cried in front of Jay before but this time, it felt different. Tears still fall from your eyes down onto your lap now. He releases one of your hands, still holding onto one of them, grabbing more tissues. He lightly dabs under your eyes and cheeks to dry them. That makes you feel even worse somehow. “You gonna tell me what’s up?” he asks gently. “Do I have to?” you sniff, still avoiding his gaze. You knew you had to, he never let you off the hook like that, ever. “Ya, when you’re ready.”
You end up getting off of the toilet seat and scootch in next to him, now sitting on the floor. It’s silent for a few minutes. He doesn’t push. You don’t even know where to start. You don’t want to sound selfish or needy. “I-um I’m going to miss you a lot while you’re gone. I don’t know what I’m going to do while you’re gone.” You spill out. “A-And I know it’s so stupid. You won’t be gone that long but I’m just scared. What if things are different when you come back?” you continue to ‘word vomit’, just like you did the night he told you about the tour. “What if he realizes he doesn’t want to be in my life anymore?” you think to yourself, but you don’t say it out loud. “What if-” you begin again, “Stop”. Jay interrupts you, turning towards you on the floor. He puts his hands on your shoulders, “Come with me, y/n”. You don’t say anything, but you’re finally looking at him now. His hands ghost their way down to yours, holding them tightly in his own. He’s so gentle with you, and you hate it. “Just.. let me take care of you, please.” he pleads with you, your eyes widened, threatening to fill with tears again. “You do so much all the time. You never do anything that you want to do. You never do anything for you”. Now he’s the one ‘word vomiting’. He squeezes both of your hands, “You won’t regret it. I want you there. You can leave your job a-and you won’t have to worry about money or anything. I’ll be here, I’ll take care of everything”. Your tears fell, your heart felt like it was physically breaking. “And you can move out of your flat and live here with me.. you won’t have to worry about anything, ever, I promise.” he continues to plead. You try to stop him, “Jay I ca-”. “Why not? Why can’t you?” he interrupts you, hearing a tinge of frustration in his voice. “Because Jay, you don’t need to take care of me! That’s not your responsibility!” you cry out. “What if I want to?” he responds, you look back down at your lap, where his hands are still holding yours. “Why..? Why me?” you whisper back. Jay sighs, “cause you’re my girl..” he pauses. “You’ve been here for everything else.. Why not this? Something that’s real important to me”. You look up at him now, with a sad smile, his eyes even look like they’re pleading with you. He squeezes your hands again, “Plus, who’s gonna walk you home from work?” he laughs softly, attempting to lighten up the moment. You smile, but don’t have a good response. You turn away from Jay, your back to the wall now. You look up towards the ceiling, thinking.
Jay was right, and you knew it. All you did was work. Worked to keep your bills paid, a roof over your head and food in your stomach. Even with how much you worked, you still had money left over. Your life was work, sleep, see your few friends and family on occasion, repeat. Frankly, your life was pretty bleak. You hadn’t done a lot of traveling, let alone leave your general area. Your life was comfortably dull; but Jay was always the spark, the light in your life. The one thing that made your life not so dull. Like the sunshine on a rainy day, or the rainbow after a storm. You never had seen him perform in front of a large audience. You can’t even imagine how intense it would be, yet rewarding. If you stay here, you’ll be alone, and miss it all. Why would you want to do that? All of the alarms going off in your mind telling you to stay home slowly go silent. The thought repeats in your head again “why would I want to do that?”. That was just it. You didn’t want to do that. You didn’t want to be without Jay. You didn’t want to walk home alone from work. You didn’t want to have to wonder how his shows were and who he was meeting along the way. You didn’t want to have to wonder when you’d hear from him next. You didn’t want to lose your light. And your light didn’t want to leave you behind either.
“Jay”. You say blandly. He looks over at you, questionably. “I will go with you on one condition”. Jay’s face lights up. “Anything.” he smiles eagerly. “You can’t pay for everything for me like you always do.. I want to use my own money too. That’s why I work. I don’t want to be a burden.” Without a question, he responds “Deal.” A promise he knows he won’t keep.
You went to work the next day, informing your boss that you would be resigning your position and when your last day would be. Turning in your uniforms felt bittersweet, but ultimately you felt relieved to be leaving the job. You walked outside and there he was, like clockwork. Cigarette dropped to the ground, crushed beneath his foot and out his arm went, inviting you in for escort. “Shall we?” he laughs. “We shall!” you smile excitedly. You grab his arm and head to your home to pack for what will feel like the first day of the rest of your life, with your light.
