(Silentdirection)

ANTxERO MSC

[rebelculture]

[the-space-left-in-between]

April seems to be the month I remember and miss you just a little.

2024_0419 11:52am fri

[pink-heart-writes]

i no longer know what you are up to

i don't know if you tried a new snack

and now it's your favorite thing to eat

when you've had a long day

i don't know what song you have on repeat

or if you put it on on the weekends

just to make everything else go away

i no longer have the right to know how you feel

if there is a possibility of you missing me

and the future we had planned

i do not know a thing about you anymore

but i will hold on to the old you

the one that loved me and at some point in life

said i was their "once upon a time"

- dee (updates)

[the-space-left-in-between]

i miss you.

1:39am Sun 4.23.23

[the-space-left-in-between]

(reserved).

9:18am Mon 2.6.23

[the-space-left-in-between]

you know sometimes you just know when a chapter of your life is over and the next one is is about to begin? well that’s what it feels like right now. since Stella, there has been two chapters for me (& i’m basing her as a point in my life because everything that came after felt like a new book entirely).

the first, was a period of recovery and flourishing. i wasn’t over her at the time but i used every ounce of disappointment in me to fuel probably the most transformative era of my life. habits changed. people around me changed. i changed. a lot lol. i learned how to be around people again…how to become friends with anyone. i cut a lot of vices. smoking cigarettes was a big one. i’ve fell back on it a couple times but in actuality, it’s just not the same anymore. it just isn’t…so you could say it’s been permanent. i eat and sleep well. i take care of my health above all. my relationship with my family has improved drastically (something i’m grateful for but don’t always recognize). and the thing that pretty much changed me entirely…calisthenics.

fast forward a year and here comes the second chapter. i’ve grown accustomed to school again after taking that hiatus. academically…i’m not performing peak effort (i’m self aware) but it’s been enough to have straight A’s regardless for 20 classes currently (lol). so end result, i suppose it doesn’t matter all too much that i’m not completely nerding out. i’m also getting pretty good at calisthenics now so you could say i’m obsessed. i want to say i’m somewhere between intermediate and advanced in skill level. in a way though, the last two developments have probably made me somewhat cocky (i’m self aware lol). oh well. feeling like the shit is better than feeling like shit right? i’m pushing people away again though. i’m not sure if i just don’t have the energy to give the effort given all the things i have to do but…i don’t know. it doesn’t really bother me that much lol. everyone’s doing their own thing and i’m doing mine. i’m lowkey bored of working at Amazon but life is quiet and cyclical and i suppose, despite the lack of excitement right now…i’m grateful for the silence.

as i’m about to finish my summer class next week, lately it feels like life is about to change again. one, because this fall would be my final semester…and two, because i’ll be moving out this year. obviously i’d be leaving Amazon for one of the bigger firms and life will definitely be different not making $16 an hour lol. accounting pays well so we’ll see. current thoughts outside that tells me a new chapter approaches? every day, i feel like i’m entering advanced territory in my training. and two, I’m open to seeing someone again (not going out of my way, but you know).

have been having this habit of going to the gym past midnight lately, and when i get home it’s so quiet so my thoughts are at an all time high. blessed my class starts past noon. but i should probably stop and come back again. that’s all tumblr. be back again soon.

3:58am Tues 6.14.22

[the-space-left-in-between]

i’ve wrote here a couple times and discarded it every time i was about to post, thinking one day maybe you’d come back here and think i’m not over you simply from the sheer observation that i’m still writing about you. but you know what? fuck it, this is my page lol. and that’s not necessarily what it means.

i’ve learned to be honest with how i feel. what i’m feeling (and i’ve come to know what makes me feel the way that i do). so let me first say, i’ve been over you. for a few months now actually. it feels surreal to say that but time was eventually going to do what it always does.

it took a while, yes. but for that, i’m proud. i was capable of such a …(and i wish there was a more majestic way of putting it but there really isn’t a single adjective for this, is there?)..love. i was so consumed by you and it took me such a long time to find myself again after that one time in my life. there are still many things that remind me of you but i’ve learned to appreciate the days gone by and leave it at that. i still miss you sometimes for all the things i loved about you (because of course, there are certain things about a person that are unique that makes you never want to let them go right?). but whether or not those things are true or not anymore, i will never know and the person i cherish in my memories are just that. someone of the past.

everything though. before and after. especially during. it changed me. so much so that. it feels like no one really knows me all too well anymore (it probably doesn’t help that i don’t really try with any of my new relationships either…i flake a lot simply because most people are not even worth the effort …despite my social skills being at an all time high). it’s fine though, i just feel so busy now and life feels like it’s moving so fast.

i want to go into more detail but unfortunately, time constraints have me going to bed earlier these days. so i’ll probably come back more frequently now. so i’ll be brief with how life is going with two things i am grateful for and two things that have bothered me recently.

let’s actually start with what bothered me recently (cause i’m all about ending this post on a good note). one. the internship i thought i was gonna get…well, i didn’t get it. fuck, right? well, their loss. two. first time since you i’ve actually tried to pursue someone. got rejected. lol. lowkey i’m salty that i can get over things pretty quickly now though…moving on to the things i’m grateful for? well, at this point i’m getting so good at something i love doing. anyone who knows me now can tell you what that is, so i won’t even have to say. and next…i’m graduating this year. finally. ffs. ever since came back to school, it’s been all As and that is a flex to myself.

anyway. yeah. guess i’ll be back.

12:10am Thurs 5.26.22

[the-space-left-in-between]

sometimes some memories are painful. they are hard to forget and unwilling to be absent during certain lapses of your life. anything could trigger them…but remember this.

just like the physical scars we endure, through some sort of unfortunate event (just as those memories came to be)…scars fade over time. they will always be there, but one day…they are going to be barely visible.

i know now…I’ll always miss you (in some form). but the pain of having lost you, is quickly diminishing.

in which…and in the rawest form of self-honesty, it feels like i’m finally letting go.

(what can i say about the time it took? i truly loved you and knowing i’m capable of such a love is a treasure to me)

-recollections of you

saturday 2.5.22 9:29pm

[the-space-left-in-between]

years later, you still leave me speechless. disorganized. disheveled. incompetent. unable to understand my thoughts completely.

you are you. after all. no matter who you are now. and that’s just me…thinking about a time i was fond of.

i’ve been trying to replicate it, you know. i’m still trying.

1.27.22 Thurs 10:50pm

[the-space-left-in-between]

it seems i’ve become more comfortable posting on /silentdirection with most of my thoughts now…as long as it isn’t too specific or personal. but this feels like something that i don’t really want anyone that knows me to know. so here i am.

it’s now the sixth season since we said goodbye. and i know i shouldn’t be keeping track but the moment you took your exit from my life, is the same period of time i started growing unimaginably (what a typical story of heartbreak and rising above it). every day feels like a new milestone and i celebrate that daily.

nonetheless, for whatever reason…i keep thinking what it’d be like to meet you today. it doesn’t run my thoughts, it doesn’t have any real power over me…but it’s curious. considering that you must not be the same person i miss (here and there), and that i’m (what seems like) light years away from who i was back then…would the power of sight reignite certain cognitive processes that i’ve buried so long ago?

but it’s just a thought. because i know if there ever came a day when you gave the slightest inclination towards communicating again, a) you wouldn’t have the courage, b) you wouldn’t know how, or c) you’re too worried about what anyone else might think…assumptions? probably. but in reality, those would be my own reasons and i really couldn’t blame you, could i?

i still miss (who) you (were). and sometimes that’s the same girl that gets me through some of my tougher days now. not the “you” that exists today, but the one that i’ll always be grateful for because of the love she once gave me, destroyed me entirely without it, and made me so strong because of it.

i won’t lie. i’ve had my fun with nothing too serious since you. but no one’s come close to what i had when i was with you…and many days, while i am oh so grateful for everything else in my life, i want (something like) that again.

unfortunately, these things can’t be forced. i guess that’s okay until it isn’t.

12.6.21 11:05am Monday

[the-space-left-in-between]

7 years ago. today.

i never imagined, i’d be with someone for such a long time after knowing them them for only a week.

2 years ago, today.

i never imagined, that this same person might be leaving my life.

1 year ago, today.

i never imagined, i’d have to live without them.

today.

i never imagined, that i’d be doing just fine despite it being one of my fondest memories.

(reserved for one year from today).

[the-space-left-in-between]

the more time i spend on my own, the more i learn about myself. as in, actually learn and be more than aware. i keep thinking i know what it really means to love myself, until decisions come where i ultimately have to choose between my well being or otherwise (it could be a variety of things - promises, plans, gaining the approval of others for the sake of networking). and i keep choosing me, every time. it just gets easier and easier. maybe i’m a little selfish now but that’s okay.

—————

to this day, i still can’t hate you. there isn’t a single shred of unpleasant thoughts when my mind occasionally strays to what was. i suppose you could say it’s better this way, because while i’m not completely apathetic towards the notion of your energy, there is a much finer line between hate and its opposite and i’d really just rather stay away from it. i still miss you though (or who you were) and everything that came with. the pictures are gone, but the memories (when they come and go), still make me smile. i guess if i’m being honest, i miss being in love. but life is far too busy for anything of the nature right now. i’m tired constantly and it’s only going to get more intense as the semester starts next week.

on the bright side, i’ll be finished with school a year from now (ffs).

08.18.21 10:15am Wednesday

[the-space-left-in-between]

i fed a fantasy to replace the memories i have of you. and it worked for a while. until i remembered it was just an illusion i synthesized.

and now, those images are returning to what they once where….you.

but not in the same significance. because obviously, you’ve been long gone for a while now.

i know they’re just memories. but because i’ve nothing more recent to recall that comes close, i’ve been feeling rather…empty.

and if i’m being honest, because being able to admit this to myself now is something i have to remember, this is the lowest i’ve felt since then.

but i guess even then, it’s still not as bad.

i just need to remember that, and hopefully that will be enough until this is over.

Saturday 12:07am 7/17/21

[the-space-left-in-between]

sometimes, just sometimes, i wonder how you’re doing.

i know i’m far from who i was around this time one year ago, but lately some nights have made me question it.

i’ve given up so long ago for there to ever be a time where a “you & i” could exist. that’s hardly a passing thought.

but what i guess i haven’t given up on is facing you again one day. because, yes…

i do wonder how you’re doing, just sometimes.

Thursday 12:01am 7/8/21

[the-space-left-in-between]

everything’s falling into place again. not just what i wanted...but more importantly, what i needed. these past few months have blazed by quicker than i could ever imagine.

can i count the blessings so i can remember how much i’ve done in just four months?

a well paying job that gives me the hours i want after being unemployed for several months. a Dean’s list semester after taking almost two years away from school. new friends in a new environment without having to move. and lastly, someone who doesn’t make me feel so lonely when i’m burnt out.

i’m counting it all. people often make all the types of excuses to stay stagnant. but i find myself making all the reasons to not stay so idle. y’all want a better future? work for it. if you want it bad enough, you’ll have it.

i’m gonna have it.

[the-space-left-in-between]

dear brother,

in the twenty five years i’ve known you, we have never had a fight that lasted more than a few days. whether it was something serious or something stupid (usually stupid), we were always able to put it behind us without difficulty. but in this past month, we have ultimately fulfilled our family’s habitual tendency to not speak for a long period of time. it’s been more than a month since i’ve spoken to you and i made this decision because taking your shit this time did not fall in line with loving myself. sorry, but i couldn’t be a door mat.

but i’ll be honest, i miss our conversations. a few months ago i was in a dark place and you taught me something very important. to this very day, i’ve been living by that motto and it is one of the many things that keeps my fire lit. i hope one day we can speak again. because right now, even if you are my little brother....you still inspire me. and one day when i’ve finally made it the way i know i will, and that day seems closer every waking moment, i want you to be there. watch your big bro real close, i’m about to show them all because of what you said to me.

my dreams are finally becoming reality and i’ll never forget the people that made me get to where i am right now.

[the-space-left-in-between]

i hate it. the fact that, sometimes, when i look at him, i still see you. and i know, he still wonders where are you too.

but that’s alright. because, at least, when i do happen to think of you, i’m reminded that i’m not completely dead inside. even if I am chasing the ghosts in my head.

in the past week, i’m not sure why...but i keep thinking of you again. and there’s not even a reason for it.

how fucking annoying.