I thought today/this weekend would be bad. Today has been great. I might be a couple steps closer to being an alcoholic and I spent a lot of money, but better than I thought I would be.
I think? The timeline is kinda messy, so is my perception of it.
This is long and ranty.
I remember going to work on Friday, I was so happy because I thought everything was going to be ok. We had fought before, over serious things and we have always worked through it. I knew everything was going to be ok. You told me you needed the weekend away. I asked you to stay, begged even. I wanted to order you, but I did not want to be that guy. I trusted you. I wanted to message you, see how your weekend was going, but, did not want to be clingy. Sunday night, you came home, I was so excited to see you. But no, not a word. I was dead to you. You weren’t wearing your wedding ring. I wish I knew you weren’t coming back. I could have prepared, but I was taken by complete surprise. I shouldn’t have been, but when we last spoke, everything felt right. That night was terrible. The next day was terrible. The voice in the back of my head telling me what happened, but I was in denial.
For those of you who don’t know, I have had this insight. I always knew things, and I don’t know how I know them. I come to complete and accurate deductions and I have no idea how. I should have listened to this insight. I had this voice for months that she was only with me for the logistics, and some other things. I decided that it was anxiety, and ignored it. I shouldn’t have.
This voice in the back of my head telling me the truth. The worse possible ending. It kept gnawing at me. An entire day of denial. We were supposed to go to my brother's place, and we spoke together to see if we could keep playing a couple in public. I asked you, and you broke out laughing. I knew it. I knew that laughter. It took everything I had to keep my composure. We were in public, and I didn’t want to make a scene.
We came home, and I was a mess. I held it in too long. I could not keep it anymore. I was on the verge of tears. I asked you, and I remember so distinctly, the long deep sigh, followed by the yes. I slammed the wall as loud as I could and called you a slut. I scared the shit out of you. I scared the shit out of me. I had no idea I was so angry. I had no idea I could be that angry. I don’t even remember lifting my arm. I tried so hard to comfort you. I kept my hands behind my back, tried to hug and comfort you. It was too late. Granted, it was over the second you decided to leave Friday, instead of coming home. Of course, it was really over when you decided to cuddle with him was more important than spending time with me, or my feeling, or anything about me. I didn’t sleep at all that night. I called everyone. I wanted to leave. Within 24 hours, I left my wife, my job, and my home. I was willing to work things out, but you didn’t even want to try.
I know how much I scared myself that night, I can’t even imagine how scared you must have been. Although, I have seen what you do in anger, so you have no right to judge.
That was then. Now, I have a completely new life, home, job, and identity. Everyone here thinks I am a good, honest and hardworking man. We all know that’s a lie. Regardless, it is nice to be around people who don’t look at me in disgust. All-in-all my life is so much better but lonely. It all seems pointless when you can’t come home to someone. I try dating here, but all the foreigners want one night stands, and all the Koreans want marriage, and neither interests me. Marriage never really interested me previously either, but now I have even more disdain for it.
I remember when I deleted February 27th from my phone. That hurt. That's not really your fault, but still. That was the last day we really talked.
Oh, that voice in the back of my head telling me “You will die alone with no friends because no one will ever love you!” has come back in full swing. I had a couple nice years of that being gone. I try to counter that voice, but now it says “Oh really? You had a woman who worshipped you and took a vow to love you forever, and she would rather give up everything than share a bed with you one more night! You didn’t even do anything! She could forgive cheating, and everything else you did, but now you are actually a good romantic partner, she could no longer tolerate you!” :’)
The things I hate most, are going to bed alone, and cuddling with someone other than you. But worse than either of those is the thought of us cuddling. No idea how to fix that...
Also, since coming here, I have missed 2 weddings and 3 funerals. I will probably miss a lot more. I every place I have ever considered home, I have shared with you, and I don’t want to go to any of them. Well, I never shared my Father’s home, but I still want to go there for other reasons. Yay! More reasons I should be in therapy.
Anyways, with all sincerity, I wish you and him all the happiness with your new life. You deserve happiness. I hope you don’t hurt him like this, no one deserves this kind of pain.
I'm in a foreign land, no friends, no family, no snow, no tree, no lights, tinsel, turkey, nor gifts. My birthday was much the same way. Honestly, it didn't hit as hard as I thought it would. I have had plenty of bad holidays, but I thought those were over, because I had such good ones for the last couple. I thought today was going to be painful, but it was good. I was too busy on the weekend, so I used today to be productive and get some much sleep. It was essentially a Saturday.
The part that hit the hardest, was my cat. I Skyped Mother, and my cat came running to say hello. She recognized my voice. I had that cat for 10 years, and she never liked me. She always loved my mom, my exes, my step sibling, ect, more than me. But when I needed her most she actually acted like a sweet pet. Then I had to leave her behind, and I really wish she was here with me now.
janainaart
stormborns
blakekathryn
annaxmalina
