the-underlings

m | 27 | she/her | 🇵🇭 in 🇦🇺

[the-underlings]

today has been a bad body image day for me. i have been struggling between being content and grateful for the body that i have and what it can do, and feeling hate towards my body because i’ve gained a lot of weight in the last 2 years. it has been a constant battle between wanting to have a thinner body versus not wanting to succumb to diet culture. it’s hard. to make matters worse, i still use emotional eating as my coping mechanism.

i feel like i haven’t been living my life fully because of this. i’m always so insecure whenever i wear swimwear in public. i always wear baggy clothes bc i don’t want my tummy to be showing. i feel upset whenever people would notice my weight gain, but i try not to show them. i try to be the person who rejects diet culture but deep inside i still cannot shake off that desire to be thin. it is just so ingrained in me.

i still do not know how to reconcile these conflicting feelings. how can i love/accept my body if i want it to change? i definitely want to lose weight because i am not happy with how it currently looks. at the same time, i hate tracking my calories and restricting certain foods from my diet. i’ve been trying to have more balanced meals and listen to my hunger and fullness cues and get my workout done, but it’s just so hard. especially after a stressful day at work or if i’m having a bad day, i just want to eat my comfort foods and eat mindlessly.

i feel like i am making my life harder for myself. i could probably make it easier. i just want to genuinely enjoy my life while i’m young. i’ll keep working on healing my relationship with my body and food. this is just a bad day.

[the-underlings]

i felt this to my core. i always feel like i should be doing more during the weekend but i just always run out of time or energy. maybe if i moved more efficiently then i wouldn’t run out of time. weekends are supposed to be relaxing but that feeling is short-lived. i’m mostly full of disappointment bc i didn’t do enough. if anyone has tips of how to do stuff i would really appreciate it

[the-underlings]

saw photos of me taken by someone else and i do not like how i look at all. my clothes have not been fitting me well. just not feeling very cute lately. 🫥

[the-underlings]

note to self: my self-worth is not tied up to the willingness of other people to spend time with me. the world does not revolve around me!!

[the-underlings]

i feel so shitty today. i have no motivation to go to the gym or eat healthy food or do something that would benefit me. i feel like a failure. i feel like i’m way behind compared to people my age. i feel like i have nothing going on in my life and i am such a boring person and no one wants to talk to me or hang out with me. my period is coming up soon which could also explain why i’m feeling so negative about myself.

random pics from last weekend. i cooked some gimbap last weekend to kind of cheer myself up but it didn’t work. plus it’s not as good when it’s refrigerated.

soz for ranting here, i’m too lazy to write on my journal

[the-underlings]

so annoyed that i am unable to fall asleep right now. i love taking afternoon naps but they ruin my sleep schedule so much. i wish my boyfriend were here, gently caressing my back until i fall asleep. i feel safe in his arms. ldr sucks. i’ve been really good just hanging out by myself (and my pets). sometimes i still get frustrated, so please allow me to vent. my therapist was unable to attend our session today because her internet connection was shitty. maybe that’s why i feel like i have things to say right now.

my high school friends called me while i was writing this. i’m so glad they did. i was deep into my feelings of loneliness and they pulled me out of it. i have people who love and care for me even when we’re thousands of miles apart.

[the-underlings]

my therapist suggested that i write letters to my lola whenever i miss her. i tried but i couldn’t go thru it without bawling my eyes out. it’s been a long time since i last talked to her. i miss her so much.

[the-underlings]

i like to think we’ve made a temporary home out of all the airbnbs/hotels we’ve stayed at whenever we’re together. i think of the way we move together in one space and how my things are meshed up with his things and how messy it gets sometimes. but i don’t mind. i like our temporary home.

the days after saying goodbye to each other is always the hardest when you’re in a long-distance relationship. there’s always a pang of sadness and longing for his presence. we’ve been doing this for four years and it never gets easier.

looking forward to building our permanent home someday.

[the-underlings]

one week left. gonna miss my baby so much, but i’m glad that we were able to spend this much time together.

[the-underlings]

first flight with Jerus + first time sa Boracay. medyo malas lang kasi maulan yung weather dito ngayon pero enjoy pa rin kahit sa hotel room lang kami.

[the-underlings]

bf bought me my first Demonia boots for Xmas hehe. the size fits me well and it’s very comfy, i don’t have any trouble walking.

[the-underlings]

LOOK AT MY BABY’S BIG BLACK EYES SO CUTE

[the-underlings]

i miss my lola very much. it’s been 5 months since she passed away. i’m going to visit her grave in a few weeks. i’m going to have this photo tattooed on me once i’m brave enough to get a tattoo haha.

[the-underlings]

matching kami ni sasha tonight hehe

[the-underlings]

on my puter

[slfcare]

things to do when your day's been bad

lie down on the floor beside your bed

take a shower, use the good soap

listen to a song you liked ages ago

write your thoughts out in all caps

draw a head and then 'decorate' that head however you're feeling (I drew a man with a hole for a face. It worked)

listen to a song and try to focus on one (1) instrument at a time, baseline, drums, guitar, another guitar, repeating sound effect

wash your face

take a nap or go to bed early

call someone. tell them about your horrible day or let them talk about theirs or both

go through your camera roll (specifically the screenshots folder)

go through your saved instagram posts / tumblr likes

watch That One Really Great Live Performance of That Artist You Love, then read the comments of everyone having great taste like you do

cry a little about it

remember that this day will end and another will begin. it'll be all new, never experienced before, no bad things will have happened, and you'll be okay.

[the-underlings]

more pics from this weekend. sana malibre ko dito mama ko tsaka boyfriend ko rito someday!