I’m so scared. I feel like I’m losing control of everything. I keep running in these useless circles as I slowly bleed out because I have no clue how to clot; meanwhile everyone’s telling me I need to stop the bleeding, and yelling at me because I can’t.
I don’t know how to save me.
lately I’ve only ever been good at one thing–I was top dog at my bake shop. I was my boss’ right hand, despite not being the one titled as her backup. with her, I could do no wrong. I was intelligent, and quick, and hard working. she manicured me and groomed me until every single facet of me shined like a diamond.
and now I’ve moved stores. now, my only bandaid has been ripped off and I’ve got nothing.
I’m useless as a friend, or daughter, or sister, because my anxiety and depression has almost wholly consumed me and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m useless as a girlfriend because no matter how hard I try, I can’t fight both his demons and mine–and he won’t even let me try. I’m useless as a musician because I haven’t played in months, and every time I look at my guitar I get this heavy pit in my stomach because I only know how to play five fuckjng songs and everyone in the house is sick of it. I’m useless as an artist because every drawing I have is the same as the last, in mostly the same positions, with mostly the same colors.
there is nothing more beneath my surface. I desperately need something to hang on to.
