I’ve been gone for awhile...
I’ve been under the weather for the better part of 5+ months. I didn’t know what it was only that I was feeling a bit off. Decided I should go to the Dr and find out once and for all. There’s no reason to live like that especially when it could be fixed. Long story short, I needed to have surgery. Nothing horrific, day surgery and back home for a late lunch. No biggie. WRONG!
The surgery was simple and everything went as it should, supposedly. As I’m recovering I sense something isn’t right. The nurse suggests I go to the washroom. As I get up I realize I’m bleeding... a lot. The nurses help me get cleaned up, put me back to lay down and take my blood pressure every 10-15 mins. At this point they put me on an IV. I’m getting sleepy. Suddenly, I feeling this tapping on my right shoulder. Tapping, tapping, TAPPING, GODDAMN TAPPING!! This annoys me greatly cuz I’m trying to sleep here! I resist the urge to turn around and say “YES?!? WHAT DO YOU WANT?” Instead, I open my eyes only to realize how I’m situated there’s no way someone can be tapping me on my shoulder, I’m in a bed against the wall. Nurses usually gently hold my hand to wake me or get my attention. I think, “Oh shit, something is wrong.” I decide I need to fight this sleepiness I’m feeling. My blood pressure is dropping, I snuck a look to see 83/47. At the time I had no idea what it means. Later I find out my pressure is dangerously low, life threatening. The pain starts. I feel like I’m in labour but what I’m about to give birth to has long talons and does NOT want to come out. I’m so dehydrated that when I do eventually begin to cry because of the pain and frustration, I’m unable to produce tears.
I’m now on my 3rd or 4th IV, I believe it’s saline solution or something (don’t quote me on that). I’ve bleed out a little over a pint of blood. I’ve developed large clots and they need to be removed ASAP. I’m rushed to the OR and the nurses are dictating what painkillers they are administering when I hear the Dr say, “We need to start now, she’s deteriorating.” SHE’S DETERIORATING!!! I will never forget these words, EVER. The defiant part of me wants to yell out “THE HELL I AM!” The tapping on my right shoulder starts again. I resist the urge to say “I know” out loud. I’ve accepted the fact that I now believe a spirit or, preferably, a guardian angel is sending me a warning. Basically saying, pay attention and focus on living. I mean, how cool is that!?! Grandma? Is that you?
The second operation is done and I’m resting in what I believe is the ICU (again don’t quote me on that). I ask to see my husband because I know he’s probably nauseous from worrying. I’ve never had so much medication in my system before and I’m struggling to stay awake. I must have closed my eyes because when I opened them, there he stood and his eyes showed me he was scared. He was trying to hide it but I saw it just the same. I can’t remember what I told him, I just remember saying “Oh hi!” and the nurse chuckled.
Finally, after roughly 8 1/2 hrs, I’m being prepped for discharge. What should have taken 3-4 hrs had taken most of the day. I believe I was near death today but I was confident I would win. I’m a bit arrogant like that sometimes but it helped me today, I’m sure.
I decided to write all of this down because it felt therapeutic. If I didn’t, I would have dwelled on it, obsessed over the possibility that I would not be here had I not fought. What would have happened if I had ignored the insistent tapping on my shoulder and gave into the sleep? That kind of thinking feels dangerous to me. Damaging, almost. So tomorrow I’ll give extra hugs to my children and hubby, tell them 100 more times how much I love them added on the current 100 times I say it daily.
Do you have any stories you would like to share? Guardian angels? Spirits? Good ole intuition? I would love to hear them 😊
