lmao im leaving so im not alone
I guess this is like one of those âoh no i went for a walk through the past and now im feeling nostalgicâ moments (insert âbruhâ sound effect). Itâs not healthy for me to keep coming back to this website that reminded me of everything that I was when I was young. Maybe the memories that I missed with people that were significant in my life (cough cough @dreamcowboy) were the main factors that I would remanence about the past. But the reason why I missed the past so much was because now that Iâm an architect in Hawaii and being a full ass adult is terrifying, this concept makes me feel like Atlas carrying the burdens of the world. Except the âworldâ in this metaphor is alcoholism and chronic masturbation. It got to the point where I would run to past experiences since, although not all of those memories were great, they were at least comforting and familiar.
 Replaying moments in my head made me at least feel like I wasnât alone and that maybe I wasnât turning into a miserable 50 year old white man that day drinks because their wife has an opioid problem and that Frank from HR didnât just tank his entire retirement pension. The past was always a place in which I could come back to if the world was too harsh to handle. But the more I went back to the past the more I realized this weird contradicting feeling that would creep over me. The feeling that even though I was running to a time when I felt not alone, it only made me feel even more alone. Well, bud, thatâs cause I could always return to a place that no one inhabits anymore. You know how in Mario 64 you can jump into those lil paintings and the mario guy goes âyahoo its mario timeâ? Thats what it felt like. But when I would come back I was still just mario and those adventures were just memories.Â
(Bro that fucking mario analogy gave me a fucking aneurism i think my irresponsible bad habits have fully killed my brain cells)
So iâve decided to stop running to the past and move forward where everyone else is. Maybe that way I wonât feel this constant impending dread.Â
:^)
So why even write this whole thing? Who do I have to prove this shit to? Well honestly itâs like one of the last places where I can still see what Dri (if you still go by that) is up to. So this is the part where I kinda directly just address you (hehe sorry bud but it has been like 5 years).Â
I know I fucked up a lot in high school and I know I was a terrible partner to you and put you through some of the most heinous shit. I definitely shouldnât have dropped off those things at your door but honestly since seeing that post you made about how much I fucked up your life I thought that one last throw of âhey im sorry man i hope we can be squareâ was a good idea lol.Â
I know you definitely donât want to ever hear from me every again cause I was terrible to you, but to me itâs not that simple. You were legit a huge part of my life and you were actually the first human being that I could look in the eyes and say without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I didnât show it but also I was a hormonal teenager. Looking back at every other person Iâve ever been with they really were just extensions of the personality of you that I always loved.Â
But i know Iâm pushin this shit too far or whatever. I really wished that we couldâve kept in touch but i know that doing so wouldnât have helped either of us so I guess after 5 (6?) years iâm gonna try and stop going back and reliving moments that we shared. (sappy i know but hey my understanding of love is litterally based off of Television and Movies so donât blame me, blame the Adam Smith and his invisible hand).
I really wish the best for you and your family (hope your dog is doin well :^) ) and Iâm truly sorry for ruining things between us. Iâm gonna stalk your page more to read those poems you wrote about me one last time before I finally log off this cesspool of a website lol.Â
Take care, Dri.Â
Yours Truly,
Changqi
