The American Idiot

Where News Goes To Get Stupider

[theamericanidiot]

BREAKING IDIOTIC NEWS: Strait of Hormuz fully reponed just in time for weekend

After weeks of spending an ungodly amount of American tax dollars on weapons of mass destruction and death, the Strait of Hormuz is officially open again. Just in time for the weekend, giving the markets a chance to recover and creating what some a are calling a false sense of peace - considering the status of both this war and the strait seem to change daily. Almost like clockwork gas prices have fallen for the weekend across the nation.

An Artificial Intelligence chatbot on the White House website told us "you should be thanking the mighty President Donald Jessica Trump for saving thousands of Iranian protestors from a terrible fate. Only a Democrat would think it is okay to punish protestors for participating in free speech against a tyrannical government. Joe Biden was too old to start and finish a war so quickly."

The chatbot insisted that all objectives for the war were exceeded, despite the fact that the new regime leader is considered more of an extremist than the former leader.

[theamericanidiot]

A popular businessman in my hometown, married to a local photographer that gets booked for a ton of girls dance studios around here, has been accused of sexual harassment towards teenage employees at his restaurant. Allegedly, he would wait until the girls turned 17 (the legal age of consent in my state) then start sending them suggestive messages or behaving inappropriately while at the restaurant with them. He knew their birthdays and phone numbers because he had access to their employee files. He’s been doing this for years and asking girls to sign an NDA in exchange for hush money. One of the girls from two years ago found out that he continued harassing women after she left the restaurant, she was able to connect with many other victims after coming forward. The photographer wife has been catching heat because queer locals have come forward claiming discrimination - the photographer refuses to work with gay couples. We then learn they own a local wedding venue and have refused to allow other gay couples to marry there. My ultra conservative little town is now pushing for a boycott against the restaurant, while many debate the actions of the Photogrpaher and question how much she knew about her husband’s harassment. Some have said they wish the restaurant would burn down a second time. Few have questioned if the first time it burned down was actually an accident, or revenge. A few dance studios that had events booked with the Photogrpaher have now put their events on hold. Every single person I have spoken to has said that the Photogrpaher needs to get over her homophobia, followed by “that ain’t right.” I am disgusted at the two business owners in my town, but delighted to see everyone else protecting women, children, and the queer community. The next time someone tells you the south isn’t worth saving, you tell them to fuck on off.

[theamericanidiot]

Breaking Idiotic News: Donald Trump Inspiration Behind "Steal the Moon" Plot in Despicable Me?

Rumors that President Donald J. Trump has taken interest in claiming ownership over Greenland have been spiraling since the early days of his second administration. However, with the United States recently announcing they would be 'overseeing things' in Venezuela after kidnapping their President and First Lady, anxiety over a possible invasion on Greenland has risen to new levels. Many protestors have taken to the streets not only in the US and Greenland, but other countries as well. Some people remain unconvinced that this is a serious matter, though.

When discussing this article in our office, staff struggled to reach a conclusion. Some cited the growing tensions between the United States and European countries, with all parties announcing recently they would be upping their military budget soon. Others mentioned that the current president is always saying insane shit. A few staff members noted that "the way he talks about stealing Greenland is the exact same way Gru talks about stealing the moon in Despicable Me."

We reached out to press secretary, Kkkaroline Leavitt, to have her settle the office debate and received the following comment: "The president's favorite movie has no impact on his war decisions."

[theamericanidiot]

Breaking Idiotic News: President Donald Trump calls reporter “piggy” after catching glimpse of himself in reporters glasses.

Earlier this week, President Donald Trump found himself in the middle of a media firestorm. No, not the one about abusing women and children. No, it’s not the one about him saying we should execute his political opponents. No, it’s not him refusing to pardon a turkey this year for the Thanksgiving holiday or blowing ‘Bubba’, either.

While answer pre-approved questions by reporters, one reporter decided to break from the script and ask Donny about his involvement with the Epstein Files. This unexpected question sent Donny into a fit of rage that resulted in him screaming “quiet piggy” at the female reporter, surprising to no one that’s been paying attention for the past ten years.

Some animal and social science experts suggested that Donny may have been frightened by the reflection of his own pig-like eyes in the reporters glasses. “It’s not uncommon for wild animals to become spooked by their own reflection,” said one zoologist.

The White House declined to comment on the incident, but an insider told us the following. “We have changed all of the mirrors in the capital out with funhouse mirrors that make him look both younger and slimmer at the same time. He’s not adjusted to seeing himself as the pig he is anymore. It’s like a permanent Snapchat filter.”

[busket]

I hope that within 5-10 years every ice "agent" in jail

[theamericanidiot]

Get pregnant and have a miscarriage? Maybe you get jail time and charged with murder!

Gay? Hate crimed!

Don’t have rich relatives? Suffer under capitalism forever and never, ever stand a chance at catching up!

Criticism of the government? You might become unemployed!

Can’t afford health insurance? Die!

This is what it feels like to live in the united states right now.

[theamericanidiot]

Breaking Idiotic New: Least liked late night host rises from the "canceled" grave yard, a victor for free speech

Disgraced network, ABC, and once great animation company, Disney, announce that "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" will be resuming regularly scheduled programing today after initially announcing the cancelation of the show last week.

The show was canceled after ABC/Disney bent over ever so kindly to the current administration, blaming Mr. Kimmel for spreading hate when he dared to quote Wannabe Dictator Donny J. Trumps own words on television. When the Disney corporation was asked about the cancelation their representative replied, "what did you want the mouse to do? fight the orange guy? we're just a multi-million dollar company that has morphed into an ever growing monopoly, what could a mouse possible do? we're just as helpless as you!"

ABC representatives refused to provide comment, however, ABC executives were seen dodging Subway sandwiches being thrown their way on the way into work on Friday.

After a call to action was placed by numerous organizations, celebrities, and individuals - Disney/ABC faced vicious (and well deserved) backlash due to the cancelation.

Today, Disney and ABC issued a statement noting that they "felt they reacted appropriately during an emotional moment in America."

To the surprise of no one, the writing over at ABC and Disney continues to disappoint - even in the age of AI, and especially within non-apologies.

[depsidase]

[theamericanidiot]

Breaking Idiotic News:

No one gives a flying fuck about Wannabe Donny Dictators birthday party.

So far, an estimated 8.6 million Americans instead decided to gather in protest of it all.

The sky is still dark, but the sun is rising.

When asked to comment on the failure of a birthday parade, Vice President Vance said, “did you even say thank you for the opportunity to witness our King in his full glory? Even once?”

When we asked why Vice President Vance referred to President Dump as “our king,” he told us he meant Jesus. It is unclear to us what Jesus has to do with the military birthday parade.

[theamericanidiot]

BREAKING IDIOTIC NEWS:

Real House-husbands of D.C. season 1 ends on a cliffhanger with the Big Beautiful Breakup between President Donald Josephine Trump and Elon Muskrat. The show has already been renewed for a season 2, as both Twitter and TruthSocial received the most attention they’ve had since January 6th, 2021.

In a reportedly unrelated event, the dating and hookup app Grindr has put out a statement saying “everyone else go home, nothing gayer can happen this month, pride is over.”

[depsidase]

[theamericanidiot]

Breaking Idiotic News:

No one knows what the fuck is going on.

[theamericanidiot]

Breaking Idiotic News:

President Trump hosts press conference in Washington with self proclaimed businessman from South Africa, Elon Musk. President Trump announced that he will be purchasing a brand new Tesla in attempt to counteract boycotts of the, unintentionally, explosive car manufacturer.

Some wondered why Elon Musk was wearing a Top Gun: Maverick cosplay for this event. When one reporter asked Musk to comment on his choice of attire, Musk replied "Wh, I, wh, uh, what? What kind of guy asks about clothes? Are you gay?” When asked to elaborate on what he meant by this statement, Musk instead had the Top Gun report removed from the event before continuing.

[noah-wyles]

president zelenskyy is a stronger man than me because if two ignorant and deluded men like trump and vance started demanding i say please and thank you and calling me disrespectful like im a naughty child instead of a very traumatised and frustrated man trying to save his country from putin id have put them both in the ground with a single fucking punch

[theamericanidiot]

Breaking idiotic news:

Putin is rejoicing after President Donald Trump and Vice President JD Couch Fucker Vance successfully reveal to world who is really in charge of the United States of America, claim reports coming from our news partners in Russia and Ukraine.

The below quote was emailed to us, unprompted, by an account with the name listed as “anonymous hillbilly.” After clicking on the name in the email we saw that the address was listed as “[email protected]”

“I’m just glad someone is finally standing up for good old fashioned American values again! Making America Great Again! it’s SAD that everyone but us has been manipulated by the satanic forces of transsexuals into thinking Ukraine should get help from us just because Russia is trying to take their land back. I’m glad we have a strong president like Trump again! Imagine weak kamal trying to be strong like Putin! Ha!”

Vice President Vance declined to comment on the event when we reached out.

[theamericanidiot]

Breaking Idiotic News: Trump declares that American citizenship is officially for sale, and all rich immigrants are welcome.

The current sitting president of the United States, Donald Trump, has stated that the United States will now be offering 'Gold Card Visas' for the incredibly low and reasonable price of five million dollars.

When we reached out to the White House for comment, a twenty-two year old community college intern named Chad answered the phone. He informed us that he did not know who to put us in touch with for an interview because, "we kind of fired a lot of the federal workers, if you missed it. I haven't seen anyone except for Elons kid, X, roaming the hall, in days. Can you please tell my mom to come pick me up? "

[theamericanidiot]

Breaking Idiotic News:

Some people are denying what is right in front of them. Do not let them fool you. Do not let them make you doubt what you are seeing.

The idiots are the ones that see this and deny.

Stay safe, my friends.

“During the darkest days of the AIDS crisis, we buried our friends in the morning, we protested in the afternoon, and we danced all night. The dance kept us in the fight because it was the dance we were fighting for. It didn't look like we were going to win then, and we did.”