The Anxious Lion

Inside the head of a guy in his early twenties... who thinks too much.

[theanxiouslion]

One hell of an experience

I want to start contributing to this blog on a more frequent basis, so I can have some type of record of my mental health and anxiety. Why? Because at the moment I am incredibly afraid that it will spiral downward to the point where I am so miserable that I will have to kill myself.

So I just finished a 6-month internship with the UN in Indonesia. I didn’t enjoy the internship too much, but I had an absolute blast in Indonesia. I was able to learn quite a bit of the language and speak with the locals (who are incredibly friendly). On a mental health level, for the first month I was a little bit… lonely perhaps, and had about one week where I felt mildly depressed. The depression, as far as my consciousness is aware, was tied to the feelings of existentialism or nihilism that I have been having for the past year and a bit. Thankfully, I was able to logically work my way out of this mildly depressive state through philosophical and logical thinking that allowed be to reconcile my existential views with a more compatible way of life. After this one week or so, nihilism or existential angst struck much less fear in my mind.

I felt mentally stable for the rest of my 6-month internship and really enjoyed it. I started to apply to Graduate Schools for psychology and began to think of applying to Med School. When my internship ended on October 7th, 2017, I traveled to Thailand where I decided to do a Meditation Retreat. I had always wanted to do a meditation retreat because I liked the idea of it. I didn’t however, like the idea of researching meditation retreats. I was initially apprehensive about doing a silent meditation retreat because I thought it might drive me crazy and would just be too extreme. But then I consulted my mom (who has done one before) and she said “go for it, and if you don’t like it… you can always leave”. This was a comforting view, so I decided to go for it. I signed up for one that said I could stay as a long as I wanted and I would get “personalized instruction”.

Anyways, by about the 2nd day I started to get incredibly anxious. It basically started with “what if I have intrusive thoughts that interrupt my meditation practice” … for instance the constant repetition of a name… like “Osama Bin Laden” (a thought that use to freak me out when I was younger, but no longer really does). This then led to the “what if these thoughts keep happening to the point where I am virtually unable to think about anything else” and of course, my lovely, catastrophizing self then jumped to “what if I am no longer able to read, write or pay attention to TV shows, or even speak, because I constantly have some thought interrupting me”. Then, “what if this makes me completely miserable to the point where I am forced to kill myself”. And finally, “what if nothing helps to resolve this, and what if, while I am attempting to resolve this (through for instance… counselling), I am constantly interrupted by a thought that prevents me from focusing long enough to gain anything from the counselling”.

Then I remembered this video I saw a few months earlier about a guy from Canada, who was campaigning for assisted suicide based on a purely psychiatric illness. I remembered him saying that he was living a pretty normal life, until this psychiatric illness made him feel severe physical pain, like his whole body was being dipped in acid. I also remember him saying that nothing had worked to cure this pain… no drugs or counselling. This is when my mind (although funny enough… not really my body) began to freak out in thinking “what if I worry so much about becoming in a similar state to this guy… that I all the worrying ends up putting me in a similar state to this guy”. And “what if all these worries make it impossible for any form of treatment to work!!”

I told the ‘meditation teachers’ (4 random strangers) about these intrusive thoughts on Day 3. They told me to that it was normal to have these thoughts and encouraged me to stay for 15 days, instead of 6. They also told me to increase the time of my meditations.

On Day 4, I told the strangers about my intrusive thoughts again. One of them replied saying he had gone through something similar. He told me that these meditation retreats can be “life changing” if I just stay for at least 15 days. They told me to just keep meditating.

On Day 5, I left. I have had success managing my anxiety through therapy and writing. This was the rational decision.

November 2017 Calgary, AB

[theanxiouslion]

The Dying/Test Metaphor

The only thing that feels right, right now, is writing. 

At work today I ended up telling one of my bubbly coworkers about my existential crisis and my anxiety about getting cancer and dying. I felt almost embarrassed to tell her. It felt weird. I recall her saying “really?” at some point during my confession.

But in retrospect, she is the weird one. She is the weird one for not being worried about the one thing that we all must endure: dying. In her eyes, I imagine it would have been far more normal for me to have said I was worried about not performing well at my new job, or worried that my dad’s health might decline, or worried that I will not get into a good Grad School. These worries, I’m sure, would have struck her as ‘normal’. But these worries are all hypotheticals... meaning that they may, or may not, actually happen. They are also somewhat niche... meaning that, many (and, with the Grad School worry, most) people in the world will not have to deal with them. 

But dying, the one thing that will undoubtedly happen, and will happen to all of us, is considered an odd thing for someone to worry about in the middle of a workday. Why is that? It is rare that a real and ubiquitous phenomenon is considered odd to think about, but hypothetical and uncommon phenomena are considered normal to think about. 

For the rest of this post, I will try to avoid acting on my affinity for flowery language for the simple reason of time constraint. It is 1:02 am and I want to try sleeping again. 

I read some books before bed that primed my brain for what has been its favourite hobby this year: worrying about dying. 

I tried to embrace my fearful thoughts, rather than distracting my brain with unrelated literature or Youtube videos. So I decided to actually read another book about dying. 

I read a few pages from The Fault In Our Stars (by John Green). The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. It was the part where the charming, calm and confident Augustus Waters begins the dying process. A process that just so happened to involve the Augustus transitioning to his antithesis: a depressed, frustrated, senile boy wavering in a corner, not knowing how to avoid the imminent process of dying.

It sounds terrible and I want no part of it. But there is a good chance it will happen to me. I don’t actually know this... but I imagine that very few people endure the dying process without pain, extreme frustration, and a feeling that they have been unjustly ‘screwed’. 

The initial (and probably most trite) remedy always seems to be: enjoy life while it is still good! Appreciate it! Enjoy the moment, and try not to think about the past or future!

To this I say: how well will this philosophy do me in the dying process? Will it even be possible to ‘enjoy the moment’, when the moment is engulfed in physical pain and mental anguish. In my life right now, I am not able to “enjoy the moment” that often, and I am a privileged, healthy 22 year-old. What sane person would have confidence that such a person could do this when the cards are actually stacked against him? 

So... perhaps the next thought is that I could get through this harrowing process (dying) by appreciating memories of all the good times? A life that was (hopefully) made up of a majority of joyous moments.

To this I say, what is your main concern right now? It is probably: how happy you are and how happy you will be in the future. What happens when the former of these is bad and the latter looks as though it will surely be worse? 

How good is a book, if the last chapter sucks? All that really matters is the part that you are currently reading. Especially when, in this book of life, you will not get the chance to finish it fully and reflect back on it’s entirety, with a redeeming judgment such as, “well... even though the last chapter sucked, most of that book was pretty good!” 

No... you, nor I, will be conscious to afford such a luxury. We will be dead. 

Ah, so a las, I have come to my predicament. What can I possibly do now, to ensure that my final moments in this world are not filled with pain, hopelessness, and depression? And, if I am able to answer this first question... will the answer be good enough to quell my current worries and anxiety? 

It is one thing to adequately prepare yourself for a test, and it is another thing to know you are adequately prepared, so you don’t have to spend copious amounts of time worrying about how the test will go, and if you are prepared enough.

At the moment, I don’t know how to prepare myself, and have doubts as to whether I will ever been confident enough in whatever preparation I end up doing.

And it feels like no one else is prepared either. But, more annoyingly, it feels like they are not even thinking about the test. They are the kid partying the night before, while I pull an anxiety-driven all nighter studying for it. Worst of all, it is anyone’s guess who will do better on the test.

[theanxiouslion]

Feet Before Head

In my meeting with Marc a few weeks ago, we discussed my blatant inability to do take action. I am consistently think about doing things, INSTEAD of doing them. Some would call this overthinking, others would call it being a lazy son of a bitch. Regardless, it is a problem, and if there is one thing my overly-anxious brain wants... it’s to fix problems. 

Examples 

To see 43 examples of things I have thought about doing, but have never took action on... click here. 

But let’s cognitively walk through one example to fully understand how my annoying brain likes to prevent my eager body from doing things. 

Thought: “I should start a Youtube channel where I vlog about my personal experience with mental illness and share practical tips on how to deal with mental illness.”

First round: Supportive thoughts

- “Yeah that sounds like an awesome idea”

- “That could help so many people”

- “It would probably be a lot of fun and also look good on the resume”

- “It’s also pretty unique idea” 

- “I think people would really enjoy it”

- “Maybe you could even get famous or at least get a bit of a following”

Second round: Anxious Lion Thoughts

- “Oh but do you really want to share your personal issues with the whole world? Are you ready for that?”

- “It could be really awkward hanging out with your current friend group”

- “People would say that you are just doing it for attention”

- “Are you just doing it for attention?”

- “Do you think you would actually enjoy doing this?”

- “Maybe you should make a channel where you rant about things in a funny way, I think you would like that more”

-”It^ would also probably be more popular”

- “If you did make a Youtube channel on Mental Health, you would want to do a good job of it”

- “You definitely do not have the self-discipline to start and continue a good youtube channel”

- “If you weren’t able to consistently put out videos and the project just kind of fizzles out... your friends would just see it as another lame project that one of their annoying FB friends tried to start”

- “What if it just never go popular... like not even a little bit?”

Result: perpetual hesitation... also commonly reffered to as “not fucking doing it”.

Breaking it Down... Theoretically (but not in a typical bullshitty way that is usually synonymous with theoretically) 

So the example I described above, happens to me quite often-- whether it be with the thought of approaching a cute girl, or the thought of taking guitar lessons.

Myself and Mark broke this cognitive process down, as so:

There is Point A and Point B. I have the thought and initial desire to get to point B. 

After the initial “I want to get to Point B” thought, the following thoughts generally ensue: 

Do I really want to get to Point B?

What would Point B actually get me?

I don’t want to fail getting to Point B... ESPECIALLY in front of people.

There are some things that I cannot control that may stop be from getting to Point B. And that would be annoying if they did. 

What would people think if I tried, and failed, to get to Point B?

What would people think if I successfully go to Point B?

How to fix this process, and take action? 

Okay, so I obviously don’t have the be all, end all answer to overcome all your personal inhibitions and fully terminate procrastination. BUT through conversations with Marc and actions I have taken since,  I have-- so far-- found the following strategies/tips/thoughts helpful.

1. Expect the Dismissive Thoughts

The dismissive thoughts are ALWAYS gonna be there. Yes... ALWAYS. Everyone has these thoughts! When Usain fucking Bolt is about to win his 8th Gold Medal in the 200 meter, do you think he is exclusively having ultra-confident, you-can-do-it thoughts? Probably not. Even Usain must, at some point, think “But what if I fail? How embarrassing would it be?” 

In fact, according to Usain himself... he “always gets nervous” before running the 200 meter (a distance he has run faster than any person in history, and hasn’t lost at since 2004). 

So if Usain Bolt still has dismissive thoughts over something that is more certain than a brand new iPhone every year; you should expect to have them too, and realize that just because the dismissive thoughts are there... does not mean that you are embarking on a DANGEROUS plan! 

When the thoughts come, instead say “oh yeah... ofcourse my biologically evolved self is having dismissive thoughts about a potentially risky scenario. This is exactly what I thought would happen!”

The more you expect something, the less daunting it will seem. 

2. Start Gradually

Starting with small steps (or small goals) in the direction of Point B, is sometimes a great way to get your body out of your mind. It always feels really fucking good to constantly be completing small goals. It will foster a lot more “since I did that, I could probably do this” thoughts. 

Ex. If Point B is asking out a random girl in the middle of the day (when I am sober and alone); I started with the small step of giving compliments to strangers.

 Yeah... just walking up to a random stranger and saying “I like your water bottle”. Nothing more, nothing less. And I even started with more gradual steps, within to start this gradual step. I started by approaching old people, or shy-looking people. They make me less nervous than people my own age.

3. Do it before you can think about it! 

This strategy works best for small actions that you would do (or not-do) throughout the day. And this is literally just about getting your feet moving and doing something before your annoying, overthinking, self-conscious brain can talk you out of it. 

At a cognitive level, this simply involves getting your body to take the action AS SOON as the thought of the action comes in your head. You will start to find that this can be an effective way to get yourself to do something that you would normally sit around an ponder about, till you wimp out and decide that it is somehow more worthwhile to check your latest Farmville requests on Facebook.

Things that this strategy can work for: 

1. Going to the gym- as soon as you think about it, start putting on your work out clothes and walking in the general direction of a workout facility.

2. Approaching your boss to ask if you can have some time off next month to go to the Pokemon Go International Championships- as soon as you think of doing it, start walking towards your bosses office. 

3. Approaching a cute guy or girl that you want to talk to- as soon as you think of it, say something... anything to engage them in conversation. 

Final Tip that has worked for me: 

While you are actually engaging in the action that you have so long thought about doing, trying getting a quick, simple, affirming thought to say to yourself repetitively. 

For me, I say: “I don’t care, I’m doing it. I’m doing it. I’m doing it”

This little affirming thought will not only encourage you, but it will temporarily block out dismissive thoughts. 

[theanxiouslion]

Anxiety Can Really Suck Sometimes

My life is not that great right now.

 I hate caving to pessimism like that, but it’s true.

My anxiety is bad. I spend 90-95% of my day worrying about what career path I should choose. The minute I think of one, a rapid fire tennis match occurs between the possible pros and cons of that job. The match always ends in a tie. So my brain finds a new opponent and starts a new match... that is destined for yet another tie. I have been doing this since at least January, and at this point it is really exhausting. I make stupid errors throughout the day because my brain is 5-10 years in the future... not in the here and now. I am not able to fully enjoy TV shows because my brain is so preoccupied. I have trouble sleeping. And when it comes to actually doing something productive, it feels as thought every task I attempt to do lasts for 20 minutes before digressing to me looking up the average salary of Psychiatrist or watching videos on how shitty Law School is. 

The worst part is... it feels like nothing comes out of all this worrying and rigorous contemplation. Just when I think I have narrowed down the possibilities... I wait a day, or a week, or a month, and the job that I so thoughtfully ‘put to rest’, is resurrected and somehow makes itself back to top spot in my mangled, arbitrary list of career possibilities. 

Just today, 4 possibilities have held that top spot.

I should be a psychologist!? Yeah... studying the human mind is totally my passion! But how much can I really do, just talking people through their problems? Plus it is not a high-status job, my friends from University probably wouldn’t think as highly of me. 

Then I went to an Indian restaurant and really enjoyed talking to the Indian man who was taking my order. 

Oh man how I miss talking to people from different cultures. And traveling... so fucking cliche... but yes, I miss traveling. Man I should totally become a UN Diplomat, or get some type of job in International Politics. Yeaaaaah, that would be more fulfilling than sitting around in my home office talking to my one millionth patient about their anxiety disorder. But I don’t really love internal relations that much... there are people I know that like it way more than me. I probably wouldn’t be that successful if I didn’t have as great an interest as most other people in that career.

I watch Narcos, where the acting is impeccable. 

Fuck it, I’ll just become an actor. I just gotta follow my passion. Yeah! My chances are slim at making it, but I feel like I am the kind of person that will work super hard at something if I enjoy, and won’t be able to work super hard at it, if I don’t enjoy it. But I have like never acted... how do I even know if I will enjoy it? I probably just want to be an actor for the potential fame and recognition. Dammit! I obviously shouldn’t be choosing a career simply because I want to be famous. Fuck this is such a silly thought... I have literally no experience in acting. Plus I think I would hate making shitty money having extremely low job stability. 

I look up the unemployment rate among actors... it’s high.

Chances are too slim at being a successful actor. I want to have a little bit of job security and also a more prestigious job. Psychiatrist! It’s perfect. High status, sort of my passion (I think), great pay and you just get to sit around and have deep conversations with people all day. That sounds like fun! But I don’t think I could get into Med School with my 3.68 GPA and non-specific resume. Maybe I should go back to Queen’s and get that GPA to a 3.8. I could do it! But man it was a lot of hard work getting good grades in my last year. And all the shit I would have to do to get into Med School and all the work during and after Med School... is that all worth it for a job that I am not sure I want to even do? Maybe I should just do a Master’s in Counselling/Psychology first... but then I would be in like... my late 20s before I enrolled in Med School. But it takes most people 3 chances before they actually get into Med School! Dammit, I’m gonna be like early 30s when, and if, I finally get in. What if I get a terminal illness before then? Then all this hard work would have just been a waste of time. But man psychiatrists make a whole lot more money than psychologists, and they can do everything a psychiatrist can. 

Anyways.... I am finally getting unbearably tired because it’s 4:17 am. Finally I am going to sleep. Boy am I looking forward to my brain shutting off for a little while!

[theanxiouslion]

Why It’s Important for Me to Talk to More Girls

So, I was at the library today and I saw a girl that I thought was (relatively) cute. I, as usual, posed the challenge to myself to walk up to her, strike up a conversation, and, of course, possibly ask for her number. I didn’t. To put it bluntly... I was just too scared. Or I don’t have good enough self-discipline. I don’t really know, and I am not sure if anymore of my patented rigorous self-analysis will actually help me in this situation. 

I do this all the time. I constantly challenge myself to approach girls and talk to them, or ask for their number. But, when I am alone, and when I am sober, I usually wimp out. Like... I pretty much always wimp out. Like I can’t think of an instance, in this context, where I haven’t wimped out (the alone and sober context). 

And whoever is reading this is probably wondering why? Why do you want to be able to do this so bad?  (The Italics is YOU!)

Do you want to fuck more girls? Not particularly. 

Do you want to improve my social skills? Sort of, but they are already pretty good. 

Do you want the euphoric feeling of overcoming my insecurities and inhibitions? Well... fuck yeah. And I always thought this was the main reason. 

But I am starting to think, that another reason might be more salient to my true motivations. 

A brief interjection: 

I am listening to loud music through headphones right now so my writing/grammar may not be as good as normal. I am doing this because my parents are arguing (fighting?) in the other room. Why are they arguing/fighting? 

Well, I was actually kind of a part of this fight, so I sort of know the reason this time. But I also know that they have been having relationship troubles for the last 2 or 3 years.

I personally think the troubles are simply due to them not right for each other. They have glaringly different values, opinions, ways of communicating and perspectives by which they interpret the world. And I am not just listing random shit. I literally thought through all four of those things. They are just really different people. And maybe they were not always this different, but I think they were always pretty damn different. 

So why did they get married then? I think they both compromised too much. 

I think they fell in love and enjoyed spending time with each other. I think they recognized the incompatibilities, but they saw them as the normal imperfections found in any good relationship. And they were probably both extremely busy with their careers, and getting around the age where you ‘should’ get married... so they made a (likely unspoken) compromise. They both said: I am going to stay in this good relationship-- despite the obvious incompatibilities between myself and the other person-- because I am not sure if I could find someone more compatible with me, or if I could be happier on my own. 

Now, they are 25 years in, and the incompatibilities have become too burdensome to ignore. And, from my perspective, they are incompatibilities of personality-- something that is incredibly hard to change. At this point, the alternative to compromise (trying something new) is harder to act on than ever. They have two grown kids and an intertwined life together. And I think they have become dependent on one another in many ways. 

But aren’t good relationships all about compromise? Yes... but good relationships are also about finding someone who is compatible with you, so you have to compromise as little as possible. 

So what is this new ‘main’ reason why I want to ask more girls out?

 Simple probability. 

The more girls I ask out, the more likely I am going to find one that is extremely compatible with me. And the less likely I will feel like I have to make a big compromise. 

The people that don’t ask out many girls, usually settle for one of the few girls that they do ask out. They are simply unaware of the better options that they could have had. They don’t know how compatible that could have been with that girl at the library who they never mustered up the courage to talk to... 

This could be me, if I don’t start talking to those girls.

[theanxiouslion]

Things I have Learned about Myself

So the blogging every night thing for the last month was actually a huge success! I blogged a lot more than I thought I was capable of. This month, I have some more demanding Evening habits on my plate, so I am adjusting the blogging habit a tad. 

At the beginning of the summer, I started doing this thing where every night before bed I would write down something I learned about myself that day in a notebook. It wasn’t an a “official” habit, but I enjoyed doing it and found it useful. I think it will ultimately help me get to know myself better and help me in behaving with more awareness.

So this month, every night I am going to decide whether I learned something about myself that day. If the answer is yes: I will edit this post and put in the thing I learned. If the answer is no, I will not feel obligated to post anything. 

Things prior to this blog: 

May 24th- I am more productive when I am busy.

May 25th- I can rarely have short (30 min naps).

May 26th- I like being silly sometimes (edit- not exactly sure what this means)

May 28th- I am happy when I just do what I love, without thinking about why I am doing it and where it could go. 

May 29th- I love the show Friday Night Lights for some reason.

May 30th- I have a bit of an obsession with Teen Pop Phenomenons.

May 31st- I generally enjoy talking to people, more than not talking to people

June 1st- Good friends can annoy me a lot. But I have the power to not behave as if I am annoyed. 

June 2nd- I enjoy trying out different types of messaging on Tinder.

June 7th- I like trying to stay in the moment.

June 8th- I am better at disciplining myself when their is structure, and I like getting into habits for the sake of doing the habit... rather than the end result.

June 9th- I don’t like having days where I don’t do anything.

June 23rd- I love talking to people about their Mental Health

August 15th- I get sleepy if I read books while lying on a bed.

August 17th- I want to make more friends in Calgary

August 18th- I am more efficient when I JUST do stuff on my to-do list, and I tell myself that if I want to add something, I can add it to the next day’s list. 

August 19- I like listening to Owl City

Something about the simple lyrics, synthesized voice and uptempo beat... really make my dopamine levels spike!

August 19th- To figure out what I am passionate about, I just have to go out there and live life. Play a little bit, without thinking about the future. 

Yes... I am someone that obviously has a natural tendency to think about the future and why I am doing things. But I think this can be done in a controlled way. Currently, I am spending 99% of my day, worrying about what I am going to be doing in 10 years and whether what I am doing today, will help me get to that point. I think there can be a happy balance, where I play... but I am observant while I play. And I reflect on my experiences ‘playing’. Trial and Error is my new catchphrase for figuring out my ‘passion’. 

August 21- Yoga can make my body feel less sore and can help eliminate physical symptoms of anxiety

August 22nd- I am happier, when I accept that I am feeling sad, or anxious.

August 23rd- I am so fortunate and lucky to have the life that I have

August 24th- I really can’t nap for just 15 minutes. Like seriously.

August 25th- I really enjoy talking to random people, even just for a couple minutes.

August 28th- I really want to have sex with the girl I went on a date on with on Saturday. Even though I did not really feel like going on the date originally.  

August 29th- I think about starting a Youtube channel, many times a day.

August 3oth- I want to ask more girls out so I have a better chance at finding one who is compatible with me.

August 31st- I do not take my To-Do List that seriously, and I get too comfortable finishing only some of what is on it.

 Sept. 1st- I eased off in my job search today, because I was finally told I got an interview somewhere.

 Sept 5th- I really don’t like getting to the point where I get so drunk that I say some regrettable things.

 Sept 6th- It seems as though a degree of my unhappiness stems from low self-esteem in regards to my status and how it is seen by others (ex. awards, money, job).

 Sept 7th-  I get drained from worrying about my future for most of the day.

 Sept 11th- I will not figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life TODAY, or tomorrow. It will happen as a gradual process.

 Sept 12th- Having discussions with other people will often help me learn a lot about whatever it is I am struggling with.

 Sept 13th- I think I need to have more immediate negative feedback when I do not complete certain habits. This will be a better form or reinforcement.

 Sept 14th- When challenging myself to approach different strangers, saying “I expect to feel nervous and I know I won’t want to do it” is extremely helpful.

 Sept 15th- I am drunk and want to have sex.

 Sept 16th- I always regret going on Facebook when I am drunk the next day.

 Sept 17th- Free time feels better; after I have done everything on my To-do list

 Sept 18th- I am good at first dates, and I often enjoy them more than I think I will.

Sept 19th- I think my friends are less judgmental of me than I usually perceive them to be.

Sept 20th- I generally don’t like sleeping-in, because it throws my whole day off.

Sept 21st- Avery is one of my muthafuckin’ boys. He gets me.

Sept 22nd- I do way better when I sign up for classes and MAKE myself do stuff.

Sept 25th – I can have good conversations with my dad when I practice compassion and understanding towards him.

Sept 26th- I definitely enjoy lectures and debates on social issues. I stayed up till 5 am last night watching one.

Sept 27th- I don’t like the fact that there is such an abundance of choices to make on any given play when playing hockey. I very much preferred the narrow structure of choices in football.

 Sept 28th- I love saying/doing socially awkward things around random people, with Sam. Like, I really love it.

 Oct 2nd- I don’t think I want a job where I would be on the computer most of my 8-hour day.

 Oct 3rd- I was less nervous at hockey today, and I played better, because I just kept my game really simple. I just stood in front of the net a lot. Start simple, and then build your way up. Like Brad Marchand.

 Oct 4th- I don’t want a job where it takes a lot of nepotism and making friends with the boss/coworkers, in order to move up positions.

 Oct 5th- I get annoyed when Sam goes on podcasts and just bullshits about Sandwich for a Story.

 Oct 6th- Right now, I feel like I want a job where I am surrounded by educated, smart people.

 Oct 10th- I enjoy watching anti-feminism and anti-SJW videos, but at times I feel like they are just picking battles with people for the sake of it. They almost seem to lack purpose. Like… if someone wants to

 Oct. 11th- I really don’t like staying up late on weekdays…

 Oct. 12th- I don’t read the items on this list very often. Hardly ever.

 Oct. 13th- When I think about death, and how it could come at any time, it makes me value the quality of life more than the sanctity (length) of life. This makes me less afraid of silly things like approaching girls. I read about a comedians death today, and subtly decided I was going to ask for a girls number and ask her out straight up. Also the quote from Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: “We live more to avoid pain, than to experience joy”

 Oct 16th- I don’t like letting my habits go for more than one day. I just feel really disorganized and have lower self-esteem after.

Oct. 17th- When I have a 20-25-minute meditation nap, I generally don’t feel as tired after.

 Oct. 18th- I was honest and vulnerable today, and texted this girl saying that I thought she was cute and I was hoping to take her out on a “date”, not a coffee hangout. She declined cause she had a boyfriend. I felt fantastic. I enjoy getting down to a yes or no answer from girls.

 Oct. 19th- Today, Dad got really hammered initiated this horribly erratic conversation, which culminated with him saying “I always thought you had a bit of a gay streak” and claiming that one of my straight friends is attracted to me. I wish there was more context that I could disclose to justify (or at least elucidate) his actions. But there is no more context than what has been mentioned. He was drunk, and, like most people, he is sloppy with his words when he is drunk. I know his intentions were pure (he followed up his statements by messily explaining that he would support me “no matter what”), but that cannot justify such crass, bizarre statements to your son regarding, what most would consider, an extremely personal topic. If one were to blame culture, let it be known that my Dad is no bible-thumping redneck. He is a doctor who often votes liberal and has seemed to always enjoying talking about sexuality to his straight and gay friends alike.  

 Anyways, after this conversation I was about to literally say to myself “fuck my life”, but I instead thought “hmmm… that’s just a thought… I need not believe it”. And I felt better. I think my meditation is starting to impact my daily thinking.

 Oct. 23rd- I spent all day writing this bio on the keynote speaker for this conference paper my dad wanted me to help out on. She was this overachieving doctor (who also had an MBA) and clearly spent far too much time applying for pointless awards that she knew she could win. It was extremely anxiety invoking. I was hit by jealously and scorn at the same time. Jealously from the competitive side of me who desperately wants to be successful. And scorn from the existential, nihilistic side of me who thinks, is it really worth spending all that time to win a few lousy awards? And the honest side of me who thinks, man this bitch must be self-conscious.

 I then went on a date with a girl who is in her second year of University majoring in drama. She was cool, down to earth and a good listener. She hates social media and the people who post selfies on it… just like me. She might drop out of school and go try to make it as an actor. I decided to have the most honest date with her that I could. Just say what I truly thought, and not try to be a confident, charming guy that most girls would want on a first date.

 When I got home I felt amazing, near euphoria. A complete 180 switch from my earlier mood. Obviously, I think this day might be a sign of what path I should choose for my future.

 Oct. 24th- In the last week I have decided to just try being honest with girls instead saying what I think will work well to seduce them. Part of this is asking them out. I realized that, before I would let a lot of potential flings die without even asking the girl out. I have asked out 3 girls via text, and 2/3 said yes and the date was awesome. I was not the least bit upset that 1 of the girls didn’t say yes, rather, I was extremely satisfied with myself for asking her out.

Oct. 25th- Nothing in my life has ever turned out to be as scary as I thought it would be. Not one thing that I can think of. Perks of Anxiety!

 Oct. 30th- Sam Harris, so far, seems to be a lot like me in his personal character. The closest famous person I have found. He has strong desire for honesty, logic and analytical thinking, while still having an emotional side.  

 Nov. 7th- I like watching the show “Nathan for You” and I am envious of the Canadian guy on the show.

 Nov. 10th- I need to stop arguing/debating over text. It just wastes my time.

 Nov. 13th- I don’t know if I could just be a counsellor. I feel like it might be too much listening to people say stuff that I don’t agree with.

 Nov. 14th- I have started running at night, and I enjoy it way more than running in the morning.

 Nov 21st – I don’t really like talking to hot girls at the club, but I often want to have sex with them. I really just don’t want to put in the effort of spending potentially hours talking about stuff I don’t care about, to only potentially get laid.

 Nov 30th- I spend most of my work day thinking about things that have nothing to do with work. Most of the time I am thinking about logic and how I would construct arguments to prove different opinions I have. Whether it be something about Black Lives Matter, Feminism, Religion or a relationship issue with my father.

I spend lots of my time thinking about my own values and morals, and whether I have come to them in a logical way.

 Lastly, I spend a lot of my mind thinking about how to communicate my thoughts in an effective, sophisticated and creative way. Whether it be orally or written. I love both forms, but I would say I currently have a slight preference for oral.

 Dec 11th- Today, I approached 3 girls and asked for their number. All 3 were in relationships, so I got rejected! Yes! I truly want to get rejected, I need to get used to the feeling of rejected. This was such a major success in my progress towards social liberation. So what conditions were met for me to do this?

1.     I was with Sam, and he dared me to do it.

2.     Sam had asked a girl before me, and I promised to do it if he did his first.

3.     I had “warmed” up by do lots of awkward interactions beforehand.

4.     I kept it simple and brief. I said “This is random, you are cute, can I have your number”.

5.     When they said they had a bf, is just said “all good” or “no worries”, said goodbye and walked away. (This had previously been a scary moment for me, so I have previously done weird stuff like ask them more about their bf or kept pursuing the number anyways).

[theanxiouslion]

‘I did a Ted Talk once’

Today was the last day for the students. So they were all speaking French during the evening. Of course... I wish I knew French... but I don’t know if I wish to learn French. 

I was watching a Ted Talk on procrastination on the speaker said “it has always been a dream of mine, to have done a Ted Talk in the past.” 

I think what he is getting at, is that all of us have dreams. But when we picture these dreams, they are often just snapshots of an amazing end result of a tough journey. 

I think it is important, when dreaming, to think about the day-to-day life of a dream and the journey of that dream. 

So... for example, I have dreamed about becoming a world famous social psychologist and writing a best-selling book and giving a Ted Talk on some cool facts about social influence. When I think of this dream, I picture myself going on book tours and standing on stage having people laugh at my jokes and having some secretary that sets up all my appointments and meetings... 

I don’t think of the hours and hours of reading Psyc papers, doing Psych research and grading students assignments... that would be the majority of work as a University professor. 

It’s really important to remember... when dreaming, make sure you picture the day-to-day of the dream, and the journey to the dream. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arj7oStGLkU&ab_channel=TED

[theanxiouslion]

Fun Path, Serious Path and Status Anxiety

In on of my recent appointments with Marc (my psychologist), I attempted to spew out my entire thought process on choosing what I want to do next in life. 

After far too many minutes of rambling, he told me that it sounds as if I have both a “serious” and a “fun” path that am showing interest in. 

The serious path is filled with pragmatic ideas: Law School, applying to internships with the UN, learning a second language, trying to work for politicians. 

The fun path is filled with far-fetched, tantalizing things like, starting a Youtube channel, learning to DJ and taking Improv classes. As much as I hate to admit it, the buried truth is: I have this hope that I would start one of these many things and immediately find out I have a major passion for them, and I am good at them... and then turn that into a career. 

This, to me, seemed like a strict dichotomy. Although you can simultaneously go down both paths, they will never cross. 

But talking to Marc helped me realize that the Fun Path can support the Serious Path, and vice versa. Sure, the Serious Path is more likely to be your “Career Path”, but the Fun Path path can be that too... or it can help you make a little money on the side to support your career. 

Later we talked about the very phenomenon of status anxiety. I would say that I definitely have status anxiety. I want people to think I am smart and that I have achieved a lot. Right now I feel like I have to prove that in conversation to them. But there is so much appeal to a job title or school title that I could just say and they would automatically go “oh yeah... you’re smart”. 

Marc had me explain to him the job I was currently working, and I said (in passing) “it is a pretty good job, if you explain it right”. Well maybe that is all there is to it... you just have to explain the job right to overcome status anxiety.

Hmmmm... 

[theanxiouslion]

Realizing it’s a just mental game

I think my penchant for self-analysis can sometimes lead me to believe that their are real, tangible barriers that are in the way of me changing certain behaviour patterns that I have. Whether it is breaking a bad habit I have done for a long time, or attempting to make a new one, or finally starting on a project that I had only ever dreamed about. Sometimes my struggle to do these things is observed for so long that it seems as though there is something physically stopping me. 

I was chatting to Marc with the tone that there was a physical barrier stopping me, and he said “but keep in mind... there is nothing actually stopping you from doing these things. It’s all in your head. You could go out and do them today if you wanted to... “ 

I think that this is important to remember. When it comes to mental barriers, there really is nothing stopping me, but myself.

[theanxiouslion]

Normal Daily Update

Today I took the students paddle-boarding and kayaking for my workshop. I went out with the 2nd group and we ended up just tipping over a lot and trying to help each other back out. But it was still a ton of fun, and I think the students enjoyed it. As Charles said “we laughed a lot out there”. I do really enjoy moments where I laugh a lot, because it doesn’t happen that often. I love those nights with you buddies where you are just cracking jokes literally the entire time... and it feels like the set of an improv comedy show or something. 

On the way home, I took the students to McDonalds and bought them all drinks/ice cream in what was left for the work shop budget. I later found out that we had already spent the workshop budget on basketball courts, but I was pretty happy spending $21 of my own money, to give the kids something that they all got really excited for. 

Later in the evening we went to a ‘secret’ beach called Lot 40 and built a fire with those people who had won “Late Curfew” as their casino prize from myself and Morgan. Adeline came which initially pissed me off... but I found that today I was able to listen to all the BS she was spewing without it completely burning up the insides of my brain with frustration. The beach we went to was absolutely phenomenal. There were so many stars and it was one of the nicest skies I have ever seen. I would have bonfires on the beach every weekend if I lived by the ocean... it was incredible. 

It took us a while to get the bonfire going but once we did, we had a great conversation all around. At one point, Benoit said he was going to roast all of the staff for the Student Talent show, so Adeline and Morgan started to inquire as to what he was going to say about them. I, of course, did not... because I simply don’t care. I am not curious, and accept that my ignorance is more pleasurable than knowing. In strive to cultivate my “Don’t Care about Other’s Judgements” attitude, I encouraged Benoit to do the roast, and to not tell staff what jokes he was going to make about us in advanced. Although I initially thought, “that could be embarrassing for me!” or “what if he says something that will hurt my feelings”. I quickly responded to my own initial reservations with the thought “Oh yeah... it doesn’t matter!”, “I will take whatever he has to say and accept that it is the exaggerated opinion of one man be used to make a lot of other people laugh and smile”. Now it doesn’t sound so bad when you put it like that. 

Adeline and Morgan did want to know what he would say about them, and so he told them. Adeline stopped him before he could say much, cause she admitted that she is quite sensitive. But Morgan responded to a joke about her chubby cheeks with “story of my life! I have always had them”, and a genuine smile. This blew me away because I thought a ditzy blonde girl would be deeply offended my a comment on her looks (yeah... I know I’m judgmental). 

But it was cool. It’s cool to see people getting to our age and really just channeling Eminem in his final battle in 8 mile. “ I know everything he's 'bout to say against me...I am white, I am a fucking bum. I do live in a trailer with my mom”. 

People have been made fun of enough and have lived with their insecurities long enough, that they able to somewhat accept them... and seemingly be unfazed when people try to pick on them. This is as cool as it gets in my books.

[theanxiouslion]

Zach Stone is Gonna be Famous

Today we went to Basin Head beach, which was super fun. I just joined the students and jumped into the river the entire time. I kept trying to do a thing where we would catch and then toss the rugby ball in the air, and try to do it with 5 people in a row while we jumped into the water (if that made any sense). I tried it with four of the boys once and it worked. But then we tried it with 5 and couldn’t get it. We also tried it with the girls, and couldn’t get it. Before we were about to leave, myself and Elisabeth decided to face our fears and do a front flip into the water. For myself, it felt like something bigger and more metaphorical. It felt like, I finally needed to prove to myself that I could do something that I was afraid of doing. 

I also ran into Josh Hankel and John Aris at the beach. It was incredibly weird to see two dudes I knew from high school, randomly at a beach in PEI. Our conversation was interesting and I felt like it went well. I told them I would be available to hang if they came to Charlottetown this weekend! I am excited to chill with them. 

On the bus ride back I went through a sheet of all the names on the bus and practiced trying to pronounce them in French for Laurie and Pauline. They laughed at me the whole time, but I didn’t mind. I have pretty much got to the point where I don’t mind being laughed at. 

In the evening, we did the Explore Olympics, which was an absolute blast. I had trouble getting some of the students to do limbo under the limbo pole that was covered in Ketchup. They are started to get a little upset that I was getting ketchup on them, but then one of them poured ketchup on me. I could have got mad, but I didn’t really mind. So I smiled and laughed and told them to put on more. In this sense, I turned something that could have been a major conflict, into something that wasn’t at all. Again, I think it is important to be able to laugh at yourself. 

We had a food fight at the end, and many of the students went after me with molasses, oranges, spaghetti, water balloons, and Vasaline. It was absolute pandemonium and extremely fun to be a part of. 

Mental Health

I just discovered this show from Bo Burnham called “Zach Stone is gonna be famous” and I feel like it reflects a lot of my inner feelings. I do have this visceral desire to be famous. And I often think that it wouldn’t actually be that hard and my chances aren’t half bad. This is exactly how the protagonist of the show, Zach, thinks. Except at least he is outward about it. 

[theanxiouslion]

Fair Shot Time

Today I was thinking about not blogging. I was also thinking about switching my morning exercise ‘routine’ from running to something more fun... like dancing. I was also thinking of eliminating one of my morning habits of writing down one thing I am grateful for every morning. I was thinking of stoping Yoga in the morning, and trying something else... something better. 

But then I remembered, that I have totally done this before. I have essentially quit things early and tried something new. And it doesn’t really feel like quitting because I immediately focus all my energy in to doing something else. But this is essentially what happens. 

1. I make a calculated decision to do something. 

2. That thing eventually gets to a point where it becomes difficult and I don’t like doing it. 

3. I say “should I be doing this?” or “could I be doing something better?”

4. I answer “No, Yes.” and then think of something better I should be doing. 

5. I start doing that thing and (probably) abandon it early. 

I am starting to realize that I do this all the time. Whether it is with Comedy interviews with Studio Q, habits I am trying to form, or books I am reading... I literally do this all the time. 

When this can be good?

The tendency to quit things prematurely CAN be good in certain scenarios. What scenarios? In scenarios where I have been consistently doing something that I absolutely don’t like, and I really just don’t want to do. 

BUT, this rarely happens to me. More often than not, I quit the thing before I really give it a fair shot or persevere through the initial difficult phase. 

One of the easiest examples that comes to mind, is my large collection of partly read books. I start reading one, then partway through it, I decide that there is another, better book that I should be reading. 

How to fix this?

Well, I think the wrong answer is deciding to finish every single thing that I start. Why? Because that can result in a lot of time do something that I may realize I don’t want to do early on. 

Ex. Going to Med School and quickly realizing you hate it and don’t want to be a doctor. There is no sense continuing with years more of Med School and wasting your money. 

I think the trick is giving everything a fair shot time, or-- as I will now coin it-- an FST. 

A Fair Shot Time is essentially a commitment that you make to the thing (a task, habit, project, hobby etc.) before you give yourself permission to reconsider your decision to do that thing altogether. 

Setting the FST is completely up to you. The reason for this is based on the assumption that, in the initial consideration phase, you will decide that you want to complete whatever task you have chosen to start. If not, why else would you be doing it? So this is a good point to give yourself the FST, because you have yet to run into the shitty periods that completing any worthwhile task will ultimately include. So you will likely give yourself more than ample time to try the task out, when considering what FST you want to set. If you are not persuaded to give yourself ample time, than you probably are not committed enough to the idea, to begin with. 

Once you set the FST, it is set in stone. You cannot quit that task until you reach the FST! If you think this is a possibility, then set up some punishments for quitting prior to the FST. 

When you get to the FST, you are then free to full reconsider finishing the task. 

Examples of FSTs that I am going to be implementing: 

Ex 1: Reading 35% of a book before deciding to stop reading it, in favour of a different book. 

Ex 2: Doing a habit for 1 month, before considering whether to replace it with a different habit. 

Ex 3: Doing a new hobby for 1 season (1/4 of a year), before reconsidering whether I want to continue doing it. (Got the 1 season idea from Asad!)

This blog post felt very self-helpy and wanna-be-life-coachey. But whatever... whatever works for me! 

- AL

[theanxiouslion]

Planting Trees!

I came across a quote (on Twitter of all places) that I really liked: 

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.”

I am 21 right now. I am finally at the age where I am starting to see a lot of people do really amazing things with skills that they learned a long time ago. I constantly think to myself things “damn... why didn’t you just learn that when you were younger... that would have been the best time”. But I am also still pretty young. And I likely have a lot of time left to build the skills I have always wanted. 

Anyways, I just thought that quote was really thought provoking and I need to take it to heart more. 

- AL 

[theanxiouslion]

Today: 

I woke up a 6:45am and did my Toastmaster’s speech on 3 hours of sleep. The speech went great and I didn’t really mess up once. Public speaking is something that now feels pretty natural to me. 

I then had a one-on-one meeting with Paul where I gave some suggestions for the program.

For our workshop, a guy named Derrick came and conducted a Yoga session. The session was AMAZING. It wasn’t to strenuous on the muscles. It involved a lot of meditation. And it also involved a little silliness, ex. rolling around in “Baby’s Pose”. The session was also outside and the temperature was perfect. In some of the poses I really enjoyed looking closely at the grass and feeling as if I was in the movie Bug’s Life. The grass seemed like an exotic tropical forrest that went on for miles and miles. 

During and after the session, I probably felt the most relaxed I have ever felt in my entire life. It didn’t feel as though I had no worries, but it felt as though I could handle all my worries. 

Later in the day, we had the Quebec Night party where Joseph DJ’d. Being at the party just made me want to try DJing more and also learn how to ‘pop and lock’ dance.

I also came up with an idea. What if I danced in the mornings, instead of going for a run. Dancing could be my form of exercise, and I would be killing two birds with one stone (getting exercise and practicing something I have long wanted to master). 

So I am going to give this a shot tomorrow!

Night, 

- AL

[theanxiouslion]

‘The Superbowl’s Tomorrow’

It is currently 2:10 am, and I am giving my first prepared speech at Toastmaster’s club (outside my University’s club) at 7:30am tomorrow. I started writing the speech about two hours ago, and have run through it once where it was both smooth and adhered to the correct length. I also began to start forgetting parts of it as I got more tired. I was going to start preparing the speech at 9:30pm, but a student called the Emergency phone, said she was having an anxiety attack and asked if I could some speak with her. So instead of perfecting my speech, I spent 1.5 hours talking to a 17 year old girl, about her crummy boyfriend and all the anxiety he was causing her. And I absolutely loved it. I really did. But it definitely didn’t help the preparation for my speech. 

I could have called the President of the club and canceled, saying that something major came up. 

Heck, I could have not even signed up for a prepared speech last meeting. 

I could even not show up tomorrow and never talk to anyone at the Toastmaster’s club again. 

But I have done these types of things before^, I have taken that route. And I am not going to do that this time. 

I’m going to get up and give my damn speech. And it might be complete shit, but, for right not at least, I am really proud of myself for having the courage to do it.  

My dad had this great sports analogy when I was talking to him about an exam I felt unprepared for a few months ago. He said “think of it like the night before the Superbowl”

 “you can think about all the shit you could have done that week, or that year, to have prepared yourself better for the Superbowl” 

 “But the reality is... the Superbowl is tomorrow, and you have to play in it. So all that’s left to do is the last bit of preparation, and then trying your best when the moment comes”

[theanxiouslion]

Existential Crisis? Try creating something.

So I listened to the song “Car Radio” by 21 Pilots and I felt like the lyrics really embodied the existential crisis that I have been kind of having since laaaaaast November(ish). I eventually found myself on there Wikipedia page where I found this quote from their lead singer explaining the bands logo: 

“I feel that humans are always struggling all the time when it comes to purpose, trying to figure out their purpose is, what purpose even is, what's the point, justifying your own existence. A lot of kids and people my age struggle with "what's the point," and with the logo, what it really means is it's an encouragement. When someone asks me what the logo means to me, the logo means something to me because I made it mean something to me. That's the point. The point is that I created something that only I understand and whether or not I decide to disclose the meaning of it, that's the beginning of purpose for me. The meaning of purpose for me, is by creating something, if it be by writing lyrics, painting a picture, by expressing yourself through art if it's photography or music or theater, or whatever it is. It doesn't have to be artistic, but if you create something and only you know the meaning of it, that's the beginning of purpose for you. When you're in the room by yourself trying to decide whether to stay alive, you can tell yourself "I should probably stay alive because I'm the only one who knows the meaning of that thing," so the logo is an encouragement for people to create.”

I think I have always had an untapped creative side. Growing up I got a lot of sheer joy out of playing sports, and I was encouraging to do so by a lot of people around me. Playing sports is a lot of fun, but doesn’t let you create much... all the sports I played had very structured rules and regulations that one had to play within. And you had to follow the coaches orders 99% of the time. 

Anyways, this quote got me thinking that maybe creating something could help a lot with the feeling of existentialism. Or at the very least, maybe I would enjoy. I have really enjoyed creating videos in the past. 

[theanxiouslion]

New Decision Making Strategy

A few meetings ago I developed a strategy with Marc as to how I should make tough decisions. The two-fold strategy came out something like this. 

1. The Chatter Phase

In this phase, I simply let my brain run wild with (realistic) possibilities of things I could do. After writing down these possibilities, I then try to write down all the thoughts that come to mind regarding the pros and cons of each possibility. No matter how silly the reasons seem. 

This stage is essentially the cocktails in the foyer. All thoughts our invited and they can chat all they went. 

2. The Mirrors Phase. 

In this phase I will: 

1. Evaluate and narrow down the realistic options I have.

2. Bring these options to the table, and start making a curated pros and cons list for them. 

3. In this pros and cons list, ensure that there are not reasons (pros/cons) that I can tell our irrational, unlikely or purely stem from anxiety. 

4. Decide who the mirrors are in my life that I will consult about this decision. Mirrors are people I am either very close with are I think would have good insight/advice for my decision. 

5. Consult with the mirrors. 

6. Aggregate the info from the mirrors and the curated pros/cons list, to eventually make a final decision. 

COMMIT! FRICKING COMMIT TO THAT DECISION!