Things I have Learned about Myself
So the blogging every night thing for the last month was actually a huge success! I blogged a lot more than I thought I was capable of. This month, I have some more demanding Evening habits on my plate, so I am adjusting the blogging habit a tad.Â
At the beginning of the summer, I started doing this thing where every night before bed I would write down something I learned about myself that day in a notebook. It wasnât an a âofficialâ habit, but I enjoyed doing it and found it useful. I think it will ultimately help me get to know myself better and help me in behaving with more awareness.
So this month, every night I am going to decide whether I learned something about myself that day. If the answer is yes: I will edit this post and put in the thing I learned. If the answer is no, I will not feel obligated to post anything.Â
Things prior to this blog:Â
May 24th- I am more productive when I am busy.
May 25th- I can rarely have short (30 min naps).
May 26th- I like being silly sometimes (edit- not exactly sure what this means)
May 28th- I am happy when I just do what I love, without thinking about why I am doing it and where it could go.Â
May 29th- I love the show Friday Night Lights for some reason.
May 30th- I have a bit of an obsession with Teen Pop Phenomenons.
May 31st- I generally enjoy talking to people, more than not talking to people
June 1st- Good friends can annoy me a lot. But I have the power to not behave as if I am annoyed.Â
June 2nd- I enjoy trying out different types of messaging on Tinder.
June 7th- I like trying to stay in the moment.
June 8th- I am better at disciplining myself when their is structure, and I like getting into habits for the sake of doing the habit... rather than the end result.
June 9th- I donât like having days where I donât do anything.
June 23rd- I love talking to people about their Mental Health
August 15th- I get sleepy if I read books while lying on a bed.
August 17th- I want to make more friends in Calgary
August 18th- I am more efficient when I JUST do stuff on my to-do list, and I tell myself that if I want to add something, I can add it to the next dayâs list.Â
August 19- I like listening to Owl City
Something about the simple lyrics, synthesized voice and uptempo beat... really make my dopamine levels spike!
August 19th- To figure out what I am passionate about, I just have to go out there and live life. Play a little bit, without thinking about the future.Â
Yes... I am someone that obviously has a natural tendency to think about the future and why I am doing things. But I think this can be done in a controlled way. Currently, I am spending 99% of my day, worrying about what I am going to be doing in 10 years and whether what I am doing today, will help me get to that point. I think there can be a happy balance, where I play... but I am observant while I play. And I reflect on my experiences âplayingâ. Trial and Error is my new catchphrase for figuring out my âpassionâ.Â
August 21-Â Yoga can make my body feel less sore and can help eliminate physical symptoms of anxiety
August 22nd- I am happier, when I accept that I am feeling sad, or anxious.
August 23rd- I am so fortunate and lucky to have the life that I have
August 24th- I really canât nap for just 15 minutes. Like seriously.
August 25th- I really enjoy talking to random people, even just for a couple minutes.
August 28th- I really want to have sex with the girl I went on a date on with on Saturday. Even though I did not really feel like going on the date originally. Â
August 29th- I think about starting a Youtube channel, many times a day.
August 3oth- I want to ask more girls out so I have a better chance at finding one who is compatible with me.
August 31st- I do not take my To-Do List that seriously, and I get too comfortable finishing only some of what is on it.
 Sept. 1st- I eased off in my job search today, because I was finally told I got an interview somewhere.
 Sept 5th- I really donât like getting to the point where I get so drunk that I say some regrettable things.
 Sept 6th- It seems as though a degree of my unhappiness stems from low self-esteem in regards to my status and how it is seen by others (ex. awards, money, job).
 Sept 7th-  I get drained from worrying about my future for most of the day.
 Sept 11th- I will not figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life TODAY, or tomorrow. It will happen as a gradual process.
 Sept 12th- Having discussions with other people will often help me learn a lot about whatever it is I am struggling with.
 Sept 13th- I think I need to have more immediate negative feedback when I do not complete certain habits. This will be a better form or reinforcement.
 Sept 14th- When challenging myself to approach different strangers, saying âI expect to feel nervous and I know I wonât want to do itâ is extremely helpful.
 Sept 15th- I am drunk and want to have sex.
 Sept 16th- I always regret going on Facebook when I am drunk the next day.
 Sept 17th- Free time feels better; after I have done everything on my To-do list
 Sept 18th- I am good at first dates, and I often enjoy them more than I think I will.
Sept 19th- I think my friends are less judgmental of me than I usually perceive them to be.
Sept 20th- I generally donât like sleeping-in, because it throws my whole day off.
Sept 21st- Avery is one of my muthafuckinâ boys. He gets me.
Sept 22nd- I do way better when I sign up for classes and MAKE myself do stuff.
Sept 25th â I can have good conversations with my dad when I practice compassion and understanding towards him.
Sept 26th- I definitely enjoy lectures and debates on social issues. I stayed up till 5 am last night watching one.
Sept 27th- I donât like the fact that there is such an abundance of choices to make on any given play when playing hockey. I very much preferred the narrow structure of choices in football.
 Sept 28th- I love saying/doing socially awkward things around random people, with Sam. Like, I really love it.
 Oct 2nd- I donât think I want a job where I would be on the computer most of my 8-hour day.
 Oct 3rd- I was less nervous at hockey today, and I played better, because I just kept my game really simple. I just stood in front of the net a lot. Start simple, and then build your way up. Like Brad Marchand.
 Oct 4th- I donât want a job where it takes a lot of nepotism and making friends with the boss/coworkers, in order to move up positions.
 Oct 5th- I get annoyed when Sam goes on podcasts and just bullshits about Sandwich for a Story.
 Oct 6th- Right now, I feel like I want a job where I am surrounded by educated, smart people.
 Oct 10th- I enjoy watching anti-feminism and anti-SJW videos, but at times I feel like they are just picking battles with people for the sake of it. They almost seem to lack purpose. Like⊠if someone wants to
 Oct. 11th- I really donât like staying up late on weekdaysâŠ
 Oct. 12th- I donât read the items on this list very often. Hardly ever.
 Oct. 13th- When I think about death, and how it could come at any time, it makes me value the quality of life more than the sanctity (length) of life. This makes me less afraid of silly things like approaching girls. I read about a comedians death today, and subtly decided I was going to ask for a girls number and ask her out straight up. Also the quote from Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: âWe live more to avoid pain, than to experience joyâ
 Oct 16th- I donât like letting my habits go for more than one day. I just feel really disorganized and have lower self-esteem after.
Oct. 17th- When I have a 20-25-minute meditation nap, I generally donât feel as tired after.
 Oct. 18th- I was honest and vulnerable today, and texted this girl saying that I thought she was cute and I was hoping to take her out on a âdateâ, not a coffee hangout. She declined cause she had a boyfriend. I felt fantastic. I enjoy getting down to a yes or no answer from girls.
 Oct. 19th- Today, Dad got really hammered initiated this horribly erratic conversation, which culminated with him saying âI always thought you had a bit of a gay streakâ and claiming that one of my straight friends is attracted to me. I wish there was more context that I could disclose to justify (or at least elucidate) his actions. But there is no more context than what has been mentioned. He was drunk, and, like most people, he is sloppy with his words when he is drunk. I know his intentions were pure (he followed up his statements by messily explaining that he would support me âno matter whatâ), but that cannot justify such crass, bizarre statements to your son regarding, what most would consider, an extremely personal topic. If one were to blame culture, let it be known that my Dad is no bible-thumping redneck. He is a doctor who often votes liberal and has seemed to always enjoying talking about sexuality to his straight and gay friends alike. Â
 Anyways, after this conversation I was about to literally say to myself âfuck my lifeâ, but I instead thought âhmmm⊠thatâs just a thought⊠I need not believe itâ. And I felt better. I think my meditation is starting to impact my daily thinking.
 Oct. 23rd- I spent all day writing this bio on the keynote speaker for this conference paper my dad wanted me to help out on. She was this overachieving doctor (who also had an MBA) and clearly spent far too much time applying for pointless awards that she knew she could win. It was extremely anxiety invoking. I was hit by jealously and scorn at the same time. Jealously from the competitive side of me who desperately wants to be successful. And scorn from the existential, nihilistic side of me who thinks, is it really worth spending all that time to win a few lousy awards? And the honest side of me who thinks, man this bitch must be self-conscious.
 I then went on a date with a girl who is in her second year of University majoring in drama. She was cool, down to earth and a good listener. She hates social media and the people who post selfies on it⊠just like me. She might drop out of school and go try to make it as an actor. I decided to have the most honest date with her that I could. Just say what I truly thought, and not try to be a confident, charming guy that most girls would want on a first date.
 When I got home I felt amazing, near euphoria. A complete 180 switch from my earlier mood. Obviously, I think this day might be a sign of what path I should choose for my future.
 Oct. 24th- In the last week I have decided to just try being honest with girls instead saying what I think will work well to seduce them. Part of this is asking them out. I realized that, before I would let a lot of potential flings die without even asking the girl out. I have asked out 3 girls via text, and 2/3 said yes and the date was awesome. I was not the least bit upset that 1 of the girls didnât say yes, rather, I was extremely satisfied with myself for asking her out.
Oct. 25th- Nothing in my life has ever turned out to be as scary as I thought it would be. Not one thing that I can think of. Perks of Anxiety!
 Oct. 30th- Sam Harris, so far, seems to be a lot like me in his personal character. The closest famous person I have found. He has strong desire for honesty, logic and analytical thinking, while still having an emotional side. Â
 Nov. 7th- I like watching the show âNathan for Youâ and I am envious of the Canadian guy on the show.
 Nov. 10th- I need to stop arguing/debating over text. It just wastes my time.
 Nov. 13th- I donât know if I could just be a counsellor. I feel like it might be too much listening to people say stuff that I donât agree with.
 Nov. 14th- I have started running at night, and I enjoy it way more than running in the morning.
 Nov 21st â I donât really like talking to hot girls at the club, but I often want to have sex with them. I really just donât want to put in the effort of spending potentially hours talking about stuff I donât care about, to only potentially get laid.
 Nov 30th- I spend most of my work day thinking about things that have nothing to do with work. Most of the time I am thinking about logic and how I would construct arguments to prove different opinions I have. Whether it be something about Black Lives Matter, Feminism, Religion or a relationship issue with my father.
I spend lots of my time thinking about my own values and morals, and whether I have come to them in a logical way.
 Lastly, I spend a lot of my mind thinking about how to communicate my thoughts in an effective, sophisticated and creative way. Whether it be orally or written. I love both forms, but I would say I currently have a slight preference for oral.
 Dec 11th- Today, I approached 3 girls and asked for their number. All 3 were in relationships, so I got rejected! Yes! I truly want to get rejected, I need to get used to the feeling of rejected. This was such a major success in my progress towards social liberation. So what conditions were met for me to do this?
1.    I was with Sam, and he dared me to do it.
2.    Sam had asked a girl before me, and I promised to do it if he did his first.
3.    I had âwarmedâ up by do lots of awkward interactions beforehand.
4.    I kept it simple and brief. I said âThis is random, you are cute, can I have your numberâ.
5.    When they said they had a bf, is just said âall goodâ or âno worriesâ, said goodbye and walked away. (This had previously been a scary moment for me, so I have previously done weird stuff like ask them more about their bf or kept pursuing the number anyways).