The Art of Connection

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[theartofconnection-blog]

Walk the talk....

I have to vent....a new show aired tonight on Bravo called "Miss Advised". Sounds like fun (and it was, in a bad way. I'll explain what I mean)! The show follows three pretty women who are "relationship experts", and all have seriously bad luck with their romantic relationships for one reason or another. One of the "relationshiop experts" is a matchmaker from NYC, the second is a columnist who writes about her dating life in LA, and the third lovely lady has a radio show about sex on the air in San Francisco. All three cuties appear to be in their late-20's to the mid-30's. The part of the show that makes me want to reach through the screen and shake the ladies is their lack of personal inventory or knowledge of their own behaviors.  They honestly cannot see why they are not successful at relationships, but they seem to be able to dish out the advice to others.

My question is, why would anyone take advice from someone who doesn't seem to be able to take their own advice or see where they are failing? One of these ladies knowingly broke her own rules that she required her clients follow.  She threatens a client if he doens't follow her rules, telling him she will "break your legs" if he doesn't do as she says. This is like going to a personal trainer who eats donuts while lecturing you on good eating habits. Can you picture Jillian Michaels standing in front of a treadmill with an obese person sweating and working hard, all while Jillian stuffs her screaming mouth with chocolate long johns telling her client she cannot eat sugar? Why would you go to a financial advisor who lives in a trailer and cannot afford a car? So why would you take relationship advice from someone who cannot seem to make it work for themselves?

Why would you walk in the footsteps of someone who doesn't walk the talk themselves?

This is exactly why this show will be successful....as my husband would say, it's a train wreck (it is a really sad sight, but you can't look away). My point is, you need to be very cautious of where you look for a role model or where you get your advice. You may be surprised to find out the "experts" really aren't practicing what they preach. This is not only the case with radio personality, but also with authors or even personal therapists. Simply put, make 100% sure that the person giving you advice or the person you are trying to model is someone who walks the walk!

[theartofconnection-blog]

Communication Skills Inventory

So here it is, the Communication Skills Pre-Test. Take a few mintues and honestly answer the following questions (write the answers down in your Communication Notepad). This will (hopefully) give you a better idea of where you need to improve your communicaiton skills.

COMMUNICATION SKILLS INVENTORY:

1. When trying to persuade someone, I must rely on what? A) practice B) trust C) observing others D) manipulation skills

2. Which best describes a communication barrier? A) something that hinders understanding the other B) a disagreement C) a stubborn person D) different communication styles

3. Which has been shown to reduce the frequency of communication with two people? A) gender difference B) proximity or physical distance between the parties C) age difference D) background noise

4. The best definition of an introverted person is: A) a shy person B) an insecure person C) a person who gets their energy from being around other people D) a person who is drained by being around other people

5. The best definition of an extroverted person is: A) an aggressive person B) a confident person C) a person who gets their energy from being around other people D) a person who is drained by being around other people

6. An effective listener will often A) take breaks in the conversation B) write notes C) ask clarifying questions D) look around the room

The following questions are meant to give you an idea of how satisfied you are with your own communication style. Answer these questions using the following possible answers: 5 = Completely satisfied with my probable communication action 4 = Usually, but not always, satisfied with my probable communication action 3 = Equally satisfied and unsatisfied with my probable communication action 2 = Usually, but not always, dissatisfied with my probable communication action 1 = Very dissatisfied with my probably communication action

- A long time friend means a great deal to you, and you want to show your appreciation to this friend. You response in your usual manner. How happy are you with your response?

- A close friend has been behaving in a manner that is being more and more annoying. You want to confront this person about the behavior.

- A significant other gets irritated and starts raising his/her voice. You respond in your usual manner to this type of behavior. How happy are you with your response?

- A friend confronts you about something that never happened. How do you feel about your response (given your past behaviors)?

- You have worked very hard in a college course and the teacher has handed out the grades. Your grade is not what you expected and you confront the teacher, who refuses to change the grade. How happy are you with your response?

- A good friend is being confronted about a negative behavior she has, and you are present when this "intervention" happens. She looks to you to "have her back", but you agree with the other girls. How happy are you with your response?

THE ANSWERS TO THE FIRST SIX QUESTIONS ARE LISTED BELOW:

Best answers: 1. C 2. A 3. B 4. D 5. C 6. C

[theartofconnection-blog]

Connecting is harder than you think

As a communication professor, I meet at least 100 students a year who are always surprised at how little they know about connecting with people — interpersonal communication. My students take a pre-test before the course even begins, and they take the same test after the course is completed. I am always shocked at the number of students who walk into the class thinking “I am only taking this course because I don’t want to take public speaking. I really don’t need this because I know how to communicate.”

Those are EXACTLY the people who need the course!

As parents, we send out children to school to learn about reading, writing and math, AND to learn how to make friends. However, things have changed! My generation, Gen Y, is the first generation of latch-key kids, kids who came home to an empty house after school or were raised in daycare and after-school care. This means that those kids have learned a good deal of their communication skills “street style”, from other kids. I’m by no means saying earlier generations are any better with communication. I’m saying that Gen Y has learned to communicate in a different way than their parents.

With that said, we do learn most of our communication skills from our parents and families. If our parents yell at each other, the children will most likely grow up to do the same. This was the case with my husband. His parents argued in front of him as a child, and he felt this was a healthy way to communicate. I, on the other hand, grew up with parents who did not argue in front of my brother or me, so I felt this was not “normal”. I find it extremely interesting that my parents are still lovingly married and my husband’s parents are divorced.

Needless to say, everyone communicates differently. We all have a different upbringing, habits, customs, likes and dislikes. The way we show these behaviors effects not only ourselves, but those around us and, more importantly, those closest to us.

We all know the saying “we hurt the ones we love most”. This refers directly to communication. We tend to talk to our loved ones in a more harsh manner than we would a stranger, employer or even a friend. If we can change the way we think about this, we can change our lives — FOR THE BETTER! We only need to change the way we think….the behavior will follow naturally.

Creating strong, healthy connections is an art form that we must master. We are not born with these skills, we must learn and develop them. That is my passion: helping others learn to build strong communication skills so they can live a better life and pass that to their children.

Stay tuned! You will get to take the test, just like my students!