Intertwined and Overrun @theartofsmalltalk - Tumblr Blog

#me #really only with my family though #they're very nearly the only ones who require an impossible amount of effort from me and then get angry when I don't deliver 100% percent o #usually by telling me that 'I never do anything right' or something to that effect #and then play it off as a joke if I get upset #otherwise they'll guilt me hard core #either way #fun times all around

If you want to know how ridiculous I am, I’m currently sitting here, unable and unwilling to go to sleep even though I’m completely exhausted because I am worried I won’t wake up because I have a headache that is a little different than the headaches I usually have, and my brain decided to think about aneurysms.

Yeah. The thought, “what if I’m having an aneurysm” casually strolled into my brain, and now it won’t leave my brain, so I keep looking for proof that I’m dying/not dying, but of course I can’t find any proof either way so here I am, in limbo, repeating, “it’s just a headache” to myself over and over, hoping that, maybe this time, I’ll believe it enough to go to bed.

Also, that stupid ‘now I lay me down to sleep’ rhyme keeps running through my head, especially the ‘if I should die before I wake’ part. Why do we teach children that rhyme?

Hopefully I get to the point where I get so tired that I basically just pass out.

That would be great.

winglssdemon

Raise your hand if you’re overwhelmed that you’re gonna be in pain for the rest of your life no matter what you do.

You know, I was literally thinking about how today was kind of not shitty. Like, it wasn’t even a “good” day, it was just a neutral day.

But honestly, it was nice to have a day that was just blank. I didn’t spend the entire day feeling awful (and then feeling guilty about feeling awful) so that was great.

But then my brain decided that that was unacceptable and started freaking out for no reason.

For no fucking reason.

And yeah, I could just accept that the panic happens randomly for no reason sometimes, but then I wouldn’t be me, would I?

The only thing I can think is that even neutral was too close to happiness and I couldn’t handle it. Like, feeling neutral was too much and my brain spiralled down to the “what happens if I’m okay?” cycle without my permission and I managed to freak myself completely out.

Neutral. Just the feeling of “I don’t feel horrible” freaks me out apparently.

Good stuff.

#I guess this is a classic case of 'change is scary'#even if it's good change #and I guess some part of me knows that it'll never last #(nothing ever does right?)#so when I feel okay #I'm also thinking about the fact that I won't always feel that way #I'm basically always waiting for the other shoe to drop #and the problem with that is that I can't enjoy the good moments #because I manage to freak myself out #and then I panic spiral myself out of the good moments #If I feel awful I feel awful #if I don't feel awful I wonder why I don't feel awful and either freak out about all that shit above #or I legitimately feel guilty for not feeling awful #and then I feel awful #so there you have it folks

I have a hard time identifying my own emotions.

I can identify what others are feeling easily enough, but myself? Nope. I’m a total mystery to me apparently.

Which is why the question “how are you?” from someone who genuinely wants to know is terrifying for me. Because “I don’t know” is generally not an acceptable answer to “how are you?”

My standard answer is “okay” or “meh” or any other kind of neutral sounding term, because then I have wiggle room if I do somehow figure out how I’m actually feeling.

In some ways, when I have random moments of emotional clarity and I realize I feel like shit, it’s kind of nice. Not nice nice, but nice in that, well, at least I know what the heck is going on.

That makes sense. Sure.

I spend a lot of time trying to untangle stuff in my head so I can pinpoint my own feelings, but most of the time I come up empty.

And then, even if I do figure it out, half the time I have no idea why I’m feeling that way. Or the reason is completely ridiculous.

Basically, it’s just a frustrating mess.

softepilogue

right now you might be in a situation that you think you won’t survive but six months ago you were in a situation that you didn’t think you’d survive and two years before that you were in a situation you didn’t think you’d survive and the point is you will always surprise yourself and you will always make it through

#yeah but the thing is #I don't know how much longer I can go on just surviving #yeah I survive it all #but what's the point if I'm just looking at surviving every stupid awful six months?#I'm super good at surviving #but anything more than that?#not so much

flip56000

I think i am subconsciously trying to ruin my own life

#yup

I love that there is a way to silence the "you're a shitty human being" voice in my head even for a little bit.

#it's alcohol by the way #also don't ask me why I think I'm a shitty person #I just feel it #for no reason #???#who know

thedependantloner

What they don't mention about #growingupwithstrictparents:

- The resentment that begins to build up and damage your relationship with your parents because your missing out on being a kid.

- The self destructive tendencies that develop when you get your freedom.

- Extreme Behaviour that can be dangerous because you feel as if you have to catch up on all the life you have been missing.

- A constant sadness that your never going to live life enough.

- Developing anxiety over doing things as simple as riding the bus.

- Massive issues with authority.

- Fear of commitment because you feel as though it is going to tie you down and take away from your freedom again.

etc…

temporaryforevers143

And not a lie was spoken

extraordinari-blog

SOMEONE FINALLY EXPLAINED IT

SOMEONE FINALLY EXPLAINED IT IN A SIMPLE WAY

WHA WHHAAAT

rainbowwrappedorgasm

Also you learn how to lie way too easily You don’t trust people or public spaces because anyone could be a predator You can’t talk to your parents about anything because they take honest topics and turn it into a discussion about what you shouldn’t be doing with your life You can’t do basic tasks or take initiative because you’re so used to someone telling you how and where to do everything that any and everything fills you with anxiety and stress

adhocavenger-deactivated2016060

I always prided myself in fucking up my kids in unique ways. I tell my kids we will be friends when they’re thirty. But of course that means doing things they will appreciate when they’re older. It is a rough row to hoe.

scribbleowl-deactivated20181204

*****Fear of commitment because you feel as though it is going to tie you down and take away from your freedom again.*****

It took me a really long time to acknowledge that I have major issues forming long term relationships. And it’s because of this shit.

The corollary to “You can’t do basic tasks or take initiative because you’re so used to someone telling you how and where to do everything that any and everything fills you with anxiety and stress” is this:

Becoming an “adult” and realizing you have to earthly idea who you are or what you want because you spent your entire life being told who to be and what to do by powerful authority figures and not only did you never learned how to listen to yourself but you were taught to feel guilty whenever you do what you want to do instead of what you were supposed to do.

pussiesaregod

the reason i like staying up late so much is because between the hours of 1am-5am, the world is quiet and no one expects anything from me. i could stare at my wall for 4 hours and there would be no consequences. it’s so silent and calm. i love it

girlinlondon

It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.

James Baldwin (via girlinlondon)

#god I hope I get there