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@theartofsmalltalk
If you want to know how ridiculous I am, Iâm currently sitting here, unable and unwilling to go to sleep even though Iâm completely exhausted because I am worried I wonât wake up because I have a headache that is a little different than the headaches I usually have, and my brain decided to think about aneurysms.
Yeah. The thought, âwhat if Iâm having an aneurysmâ casually strolled into my brain, and now it wonât leave my brain, so I keep looking for proof that Iâm dying/not dying, but of course I canât find any proof either way so here I am, in limbo, repeating, âitâs just a headacheâ to myself over and over, hoping that, maybe this time, Iâll believe it enough to go to bed.
Also, that stupid ânow I lay me down to sleepâ rhyme keeps running through my head, especially the âif I should die before I wakeâ part. Why do we teach children that rhyme?Â
Hopefully I get to the point where I get so tired that I basically just pass out.
That would be great.
Raise your hand if youâre overwhelmed that youâre gonna be in pain for the rest of your life no matter what you do.
You know, I was literally thinking about how today was kind of not shitty. Like, it wasnât even a âgoodâ day, it was just a neutral day.
But honestly, it was nice to have a day that was just blank. I didnât spend the entire day feeling awful (and then feeling guilty about feeling awful) so that was great.
But then my brain decided that that was unacceptable and started freaking out for no reason.
For no fucking reason.
And yeah, I could just accept that the panic happens randomly for no reason sometimes, but then I wouldnât be me, would I?
The only thing I can think is that even neutral was too close to happiness and I couldnât handle it. Like, feeling neutral was too much and my brain spiralled down to the âwhat happens if Iâm okay?â cycle without my permission and I managed to freak myself completely out.
Neutral. Just the feeling of âI donât feel horribleâ freaks me out apparently.
Good stuff.
I have a hard time identifying my own emotions.
I can identify what others are feeling easily enough, but myself? Nope. Iâm a total mystery to me apparently.
Which is why the question âhow are you?â from someone who genuinely wants to know is terrifying for me. Because âI donât knowâ is generally not an acceptable answer to âhow are you?â
My standard answer is âokayâ or âmehâ or any other kind of neutral sounding term, because then I have wiggle room if I do somehow figure out how Iâm actually feeling.
In some ways, when I have random moments of emotional clarity and I realize I feel like shit, itâs kind of nice. Not nice nice, but nice in that, well, at least I know what the heck is going on.
That makes sense. Sure.
I spend a lot of time trying to untangle stuff in my head so I can pinpoint my own feelings, but most of the time I come up empty.
And then, even if I do figure it out, half the time I have no idea why Iâm feeling that way. Or the reason is completely ridiculous.
Basically, itâs just a frustrating mess.
right now you might be in a situation that you think you wonât survive but six months ago you were in a situation that you didnât think youâd survive and two years before that you were in a situation you didnât think youâd survive and the point is you will always surprise yourself and you will always make it through
I think i am subconsciously trying to ruin my own life
I love that there is a way to silence the "you're a shitty human being" voice in my head even for a little bit.
What they don't mention about #growingupwithstrictparents:
- The resentment that begins to build up and damage your relationship with your parents because your missing out on being a kid.
- The self destructive tendencies that develop when you get your freedom.
- Extreme Behaviour that can be dangerous because you feel as if you have to catch up on all the life you have been missing.
- A constant sadness that your never going to live life enough.Â
- Developing anxiety over doing things as simple as riding the bus.
- Massive issues with authority.Â
- Fear of commitment because you feel as though it is going to tie you down and take away from your freedom again.Â
etcâŠ
And not a lie was spoken
SOMEONE FINALLY EXPLAINED IT
SOMEONE FINALLY EXPLAINED IT IN A SIMPLE WAY
WHA WHHAAAT
Also you learn how to lie way too easily You donât trust people or public spaces because anyone could be a predator You canât talk to your parents about anything because they take honest topics and turn it into a discussion about what you shouldnât be doing with your life You canât do basic tasks or take initiative because youâre so used to someone telling you how and where to do everything that any and everything fills you with anxiety and stress
I always prided myself in fucking up my kids in unique ways. I tell my kids we will be friends when theyâre thirty. But of course that means doing things they will appreciate when theyâre older. It is a rough row to hoe.
*****Fear of commitment because you feel as though it is going to tie you down and take away from your freedom again.*****
It took me a really long time to acknowledge that I have major issues forming long term relationships. And itâs because of this shit.
The corollary to âYou canât do basic tasks or take initiative because youâre so used to someone telling you how and where to do everything that any and everything fills you with anxiety and stressâ is this:
Becoming an âadultâ and realizing you have to earthly idea who you are or what you want because you spent your entire life being told who to be and what to do by powerful authority figures and not only did you never learned how to listen to yourself but you were taught to feel guilty whenever you do what you want to do instead of what you were supposed to do.
the reason i like staying up late so much is because between the hours of 1am-5am, the world is quiet and no one expects anything from me. i could stare at my wall for 4 hours and there would be no consequences. itâs so silent and calm. i love it
It took many years of vomiting up all the filth Iâd been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.
James Baldwin (via girlinlondon)
me driving: I am driving
my fucking ass shit brain: slam the pedal time to crash the fucking car
me: why the hell
brain: floor it asshole
im alive out of spite
why canât i be mentally chill instead of mentally ill
1.25.16
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person: how are you?
me, not feeling any extreme pain or euphoria: i literally have no fuckin idea