They/Them
|| Master-masterlist * AO3 ||
Fic recs * Loki weeks
-- Proud Admin of Loki the Predator --
Multi-muse RP-sideblog -- Writing advice sideblog
* Loki is my God - Bucky is my toy soldier - Clint is my favorite puppy - Laurits is my cinnamon roll - Lucifer is my play Devil - and I'm the demon that prowls the angst/hurt/dark/whump/sub!Loki abyss *
I’ve written so many stories and other things for the Loki fandom that I figured it was time for a master-masterlist to organize everything neatly. (Oh, hello OCD... ugh.) It kinda depends what you want to read, some stories are long, others are short, and I’ve put a little bit of a rough estimation in the descriptions. Links to my AO3 and my Ko-Fi-account are on the bottom.
Enjoy reading.
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Fic Masterlist
Fics that have more than 3k words or are multi-chapters or series.
Short Fics
Short fics between 1k and 3k words.
Drabbles
Little drabbles or between the 500 and 1k words.
2.5k followers celebration
A drabble celebration for when I hit 2.5k followers. Short drabbles between 500 and 1k. words.
4k followers celebration
A celebration for when I hit 4k followers. Short fics between 1k and 2k words, written with other writers.
6k followers celebration
A drabble celebration for when I hit 6k followers. Short drabbles between 500 and 1000 words.
Inktober 2018
Short drabbles varying between 500 and 1k. words.
Other
Headcanons, poems and other blurbs which do not fit any categories above. Amount of words varies greatly.
Warnings: Whump, torture, angst, Loki is a mess, panic attacks, mentions of suicide, depression, violence, PTSD.
Words: 7918
Summary: (Loki’s POV, Third POV, Loki centered) Loki falls from the Bifrost, but instead of landing in Thanos’ clutches, he lands on earth and falls into the hands HYDRA. Years later the Avengers stumble across him and decide to take him in.
A/N: So, first of all, updates on this fic will be erratic and slow. Might be months before I post the next chapter. I still want to finish this story, and I shall! But it’s slow progress.And now for the story. Yeah… HYDRA got in the way again and by now I know how you feel about that. Lolz. (No hard feelings. You all made me laugh.) I made them the main enemy of this story, so I’ll die on my hill! *hides under the desk* But yeah, HYDRA needs some ass-whooping. Patience is a virtue…
Previous Chapter
—
Yesterday evening, before he had joined the Christmas festivities, Loki had placed some protection spells on himself. Currently he was very grateful he had done so because bullets bounced off his being as the spells were still active.
It is said that when someone faces a threat of life and death the person’s instincts have two options: flight or fight.
Yet, there is a third.
Sheer terror was holding Loki in his grip so tightly, he was unable to move. It felt as if he was back on the cold table. And the possibility of that horror could become very real if he didn’t do something!
The noise around him was deafening, auras passing by left, right and even overhead, and he had trouble discerning between friend and foe. But why did the former matter? He didn’t have friends. He had foes and captors, and that was it!
Finally drawn from his stupor by someone grabbing him from behind, a pure wave of hatred washed over him. He grabbed his assailant and threw the person through the room, and the loud crash which followed was nothing short of satisfying.
Warnings: Whump, torture, angst, Loki is a mess, panic attacks, mentions of suicide, depression, violence, PTSD.
Words: 7918
Summary: (Loki’s POV, Third POV, Loki centered) Loki falls from the Bifrost, but instead of landing in Thanos’ clutches, he lands on earth and falls into the hands HYDRA. Years later the Avengers stumble across him and decide to take him in.
A/N: So, first of all, updates on this fic will be erratic and slow. Might be months before I post the next chapter. I still want to finish this story, and I shall! But it’s slow progress.And now for the story. Yeah… HYDRA got in the way again and by now I know how you feel about that. Lolz. (No hard feelings. You all made me laugh.) I made them the main enemy of this story, so I’ll die on my hill! *hides under the desk* But yeah, HYDRA needs some ass-whooping. Patience is a virtue…
Previous Chapter
---
Yesterday evening, before he had joined the Christmas festivities, Loki had placed some protection spells on himself. Currently he was very grateful he had done so because bullets bounced off his being as the spells were still active.
It is said that when someone faces a threat of life and death the person’s instincts have two options: flight or fight.
Yet, there is a third.
Sheer terror was holding Loki in his grip so tightly, he was unable to move. It felt as if he was back on the cold table. And the possibility of that horror could become very real if he didn’t do something!
The noise around him was deafening, auras passing by left, right and even overhead, and he had trouble discerning between friend and foe. But why did the former matter? He didn’t have friends. He had foes and captors, and that was it!
Finally drawn from his stupor by someone grabbing him from behind, a pure wave of hatred washed over him. He grabbed his assailant and threw the person through the room, and the loud crash which followed was nothing short of satisfying.
Now he was finally defrozen from his terror (though he was still terrified), and a burning hatred seared his veins, Loki was on the move to the nearest exit. It didn’t matter who he encountered, they got all swept aside with his Seidr if they crossed his path. Yet, the room was getting very crowded, auras pressing left and right and furniture no longer in its place. There was too much information to process at once and thus he hadn’t noticed the chair over which he tripped until he had to save himself from crashing flat out on his face.
He rolled over his shoulder, landing in a crouched position, but soon he felt bodies swarm around him. The first cracks in his protective spells began to form as something other than bullets tried to assault him. In the back of his mind he registered them as electrical devices.
Loki was able to deflect the first physical attack, and without a thought he summoned his knives and laid the attacker low.
Then, a dozen more attacked as if they were a single entity, and he found himself fighting wildly. And even worse, blindly, because his Seidr which aided him to see and feel was too scrambled by the unexpected events. He still wasn’t fully accustomed to fighting without aid, and inevitably Loki slipped up left and right.
The enemy was numerous, and for every person he killed, two took its place. Loki found himself sorely pressed. He was barely able to keep the electrical devices at bay and because he was solely focused on those things, he didn’t have time or energy to prevent bullets and knives harming him. Yet, he’d rather take the bullets which did minor damage compared to those wicked devices - because an electric shock would probably mean a quick end for him.
Panic was quickly taking the upper hand, suppressing his hatred which was assisting him in the fight. He didn’t want to fight anymore. He just wanted to give in to the fear. He wanted to run and hide. The shudders created by the anxious beast were already taunting him. How much longer could he keep this up?
How much longer was he willing to keep this up?
Then the enemy ranks suddenly shattered.
“Loki!” Natasha shouted concerned, suddenly very close.
On the other side he could feel bodies flying through the air as well, releasing the pressure.
It was no-one less than the Shadow coming to his aid as well.
Both of the Humans placed themselves in front of him, which gave him a second to breathe. It didn’t lessen the terror, nor did it stop his shuddering, but a switch in his mind flicked and it felt as if he noticed these Humans - these Avengers - for the first time.
All the evidence pointed in their favour.
They had been true to their word.
They weren’t his captors.
They wanted to help him and seemed prepared to take an awful brunt (maybe even face death) to do so.
Without holding back, he joined the two Humans in their fight. And for the first time his mind didn’t perceive them as another threat. He didn’t want to fight them, or flee, but he wanted to stand with them.
Finally it was clear who the true enemy was!
Both Natasha and Bucky were quick to play on his strengths. With the help of Natasha he created illusion after illusion, enabling them to move to a - according to Bucky - more favourable spot.
Then, a roar tore through the building. It had been so loud it made the furniture tremble and resonated within Loki’s lungs. He had heard it once before, a long time ago. And at that time the anger from the creature had been direct at him. It had grabbed him and had thrown him through a room. In Loki’s mind it seemed aeons ago, but his body perceived it as if it had been yesterday.
Loki’s teeth rattled in his skull, his muscles pulled taut and his heart was pounding with the same intensity as the terror he felt. The endless scream, or beep, or whatever it was, was back. It drowned out everything around him.
“Down!” Bucky commanded and Loki got grabbed on the back of his head and he was pushed to the floor.
An answer tumbled from Loki’s lips, but it was as if the words weren’t his. As if someone else answered for him through the cracking of his mind. “Yes, master.”
Then something passed over their heads and crashed with a tremendous impact behind them.
It was the last thing Loki was aware of before the terror shattered his mind and curled in on itself, taking him down with it in a dark descent.
***
“Loki. Loki!”
Meaningless, the words curled around his ears.
He could feel his body shake. Was he shaking, or was he being shaken?
“Loki…”
Nothing.
***
The fight with HYDRA had been nasty and had destroyed major parts of Tony’s building. It had taken the destructive rage of the Hulk to clear them out.
Luckily they had been unsuccessful in taking anything.
Or someone…
Still in his armour Tony nudged some rubble with his foot, sighing sadly. It would take weeks to rebuild it. Granted, there were some silver linings, but that didn’t mean this didn’t hurt.
The integrity of the building wasn’t compromised and they didn’t have to evacuate. There hadn’t been casualties on their side, but some of them were wounded. Nothing severe, a broken bone here or a deep gash there, but nothing life-threatening. The person who seemed to be in the worst shape was Loki.
He had been wounded the most severe. Tony had seen from a distance how bullet after bullet had been fired at his friend. Tony had been unable to get to him, but luckily Natasha and Bucky had.
Now those wounds were healing themselves, but Loki was far from with them. He hadn’t exactly fainted, but he had just… tuned out. They had seen it before, and it had been worrying then, but even more so now because he had been doing better.
***
“Loki?”
No…
***
“Loki. Hey man, come on,” Clint tried in vain for what must be the hundredth time.
There was no response.
The Avengers were bustling around to patch up the damage. On the occasion someone stopped and tried to draw Loki back into the presence, but it proved fruitless.
Steve had suggested moving him, but his chamber some floors above had been destroyed, and they didn’t know how well he would respond to a different environment when he got out of his episode.
If he came out of it at all…
Loki’s vitals were stable and his wounds were closed - as if he’d never been in a fight. Thus they had just left him on the floor in the common room. They took turns keeping him company while the others worked and cleaned some of the other levels of the building.
There was much to do and progress was slower than they liked.
It was long after midnight before Loki jumped to his feet, his posture menacing, fingers curled at his side, teeth bared, and a wild and deranged look on his face.
***
Hot breath fanned over his neck and immediately he was annoyed. “Leave me alone, Thor.”
“What are you doing?” the other asked.
He couldn’t keep the sneer from his voice. “As if you would understand.”
A deep, mirthful laugh resonated through the room and Thor said amused, “Try me.”
“No. I refuse to waste my energy.”
“Oh, but you are!”
His brows furrowed. How was it possible that his brother suddenly sounded so sinister? Those words would never fall so forcefully from his lips. They lacked the mirth which always surrounded the Thunderer.
“You can’t escape, Loki.”
His brows furrowed and he looked around the room, noticing it for the first time. A ceiling made of metal above? What were those machines? And those tools? Why was Thor wearing a white coat?
Why couldn’t he move?
“I shall!” he snarled, teeth bared.
“You’ve already tried and failed. You’re mine!”
Machines beeped, metal shattered and within the blink of an eye he was on his feet, attacking Thor. Yet, fingers phased through his intended target.
A laugh which sounded so much like Thor’s curled around his ears, but it was honing, mocking. Sinister.
Evil!
“I shall kill you,” he growled angrily.
“You can’t. Your calculations are wrong,” the snake hissed.
“What?”
“Well, there,” his younger self pointed.
He took a step closer to inspect his work. It was as simple as day and night. HYDRA is bad. The Avengers are part of HYDRA. These Humans are bad. His master his only saviour.
“No, they are correct,” he denied.
“Are you lying to yourself?”
“No!”
“You are.”
“Maybe I should kill you,” he threatened. With teeth bared and bloodied fingers curled at his side he menacingly took his stance.
“Loki,” Frigga said questioningly.
Mother?
“Loki. It’s me, Natasha.”
The calculations changed.
They had been wrong indeed.
“Nat, he’s going to attack,” someone warned.
“No, he is not.”
Loki recognized the last speaker as Natasha. As always confident. Confident in who she was, what she was doing. But even more so, confident in him.
“Correct. I shall not,” he confirmed with a raspy voice.
His heart was still pounding in his chest and he struggled to breathe. He could feel goosebumps running over his spine and shudders wracking his body. Pulled taut muscles finally relaxed as Loki came back to himself. Slowly, but steadily, his breathing calmed down.
“Do you know where you are?” the woman asked, carefully approaching him.
It was a simple question which begged a simple answer, and thus Loki’s answer was devoid of emotion. “Yes.”
“Elaborate.”
Always the pressure. When would she learn to let go?
Just like you let go? The voice in his head sneered.
“I am with a group of Humans who call themselves the Avengers.”
“And do you remember what just happened?”
For a moment he searched his memory. The answer surfaced quickly, but so did complicated feelings. The joy of a fight, the fear of the enemies, the gratitude of protection.
“HYDRA attacked, presumably to collect me.”
“And Bucky?” Natasha asked.
“What of him?” Loki asked, getting more annoyed by this interrogation with each passing second.
“Can’t remember?” the person of subject asked.
It was the little push he needed and violently he shouted, “Would you stop your worrying, I am well!” Then, in a more normal tone but not less agitated he continued, “I am aware of where I am, who I am and what has just befallen. What proof do you demand, Natasha?” his blind eyes flitted to her. “Bucky?” He sought out the man’s form. “I am standing in the middle of a wrecked building after an attack from HYDRA. You are the Avengers, whatever the rights and obligations which come with that. You are-”
“I’ve heard enough,” Tony interrupted nonchalantly. “He’s fine.”
“Well, seeing he just tuned out as he did, it is a good idea to check him,” Clint said gruffly.
Oh, how anger trampled through his system. “Do not speak of me as if I am not in the room!” Loki bit viciously. “I am blind, not deaf!”
The eye-prier tried to keep the situation from escalating. “Okay, okay. Settle down, Loki. We just wanted to make sure. You had us worried.”
With a growl in the back of his throat, Loki tried to relax again, blind eyes settling on Natasha as a warning to not come any closer.
Even though he was still angry, his senses had settled and he could feel the destruction around him. Briefly he remembered how all his senses had gone into overdrive during the fight and had obscured his ability to see - and it was something he would need to address sometime in the future - but now everything was back to normal.
Well, a relative normal.
Silence settled throughout the room, safe for the occasional grunt of someone moving something or rubble being collected.
The anger subsided and Loki just stood there, staring at a floor he couldn’t see. He was at a loss what to do and where to go.
“You could help, you know. Instead of just standing there,” Clint commented dryly.
Loki nodded, but didn't move. How was he to help? Not to mention that memories of scrubbing his own blood from a cell floor flitted through his mind. He truly didn't want to spiral down such a memory.
“What and where?” he asked softly, running the nail of his thumb over the pad of his index finger.
“Wha-” Clint breathed baffled, but broke off and tried anew. “What do you mean? Look around you. Anything will help. I don't know. Put the couch upright or something.” He sounded agitated, but there was a weariness to his voice.
“Clint!” Sam scolded the man, but left it at that.
With a flick of his wrist Loki complied, magicking the couch back to its place.
“Lokes!” Tony exclaimed, making Loki flinch. “That's it! How much can you move and clean with that magic of yours?”
For a moment Loki was baffled, but the rage was quick to resurface and he sneered, “I am not a maid.”
That drew a scoff from Clint. “Nor am I, but if I want to sit on that couch again to watch television, things will need to get cleaned.” He let the sting hang in the air for a second before he added, “Then again, you're never here so why would you bother.”
Those words made Loki flinch. He wasn't happy with the situation either, but he had never felt Clint being so prickly before and aiming his ire at him. Then again, Loki’s erratic anger hadn’t made him particularly nice either.
“Shut it, Legolas,” Tony said sharply. “No, Loki, I could use your help at the lower levels. Parts of some outer walls got knocked out and I need it out of the way to start emergency repairs.”
“I am able to assist with that,” Loki mumbled and nodded slightly, still anxious about another possible snide remark from Clint.
“Good. Come with me.”
***
Today was finally the day!
At least, it had to be the day.
After what must have been months of research, Loki finally felt ready to try. No! Not try. He felt ready to do it. There was no trying. There would be no failure, only success.
At least, he told himself. Because if he ran the calculations one more time he would go crazy.
His current cell… room was on another level of the building entirely. HYDRA had succeeded in putting half of the building to ruin, but Tony had been equally successful in rapidly rebuilding. With the aid of Loki's Seidr they had worked the entire night and had made quick progress. Loki had even put up some extra protection and warning spells around the building.
In hindsight he should have done that sooner.
Yet, yesterday's attack from HYDRA had put things into motion and had made it painfully clear that more was needed than just a defended building.
The dull work had given Loki ample time to think about what had happened hours prior, and he had decided he couldn’t afford to wait any longer to cast his reverse blindness spell. Though it seemed more like a ritual regarding how much effort and time it would cost.
The entire workings of the ritual was in his head, and he had just finished the last touch-ups.
Whilst having a shower he went over all the details once more. Everything seemed correct and he could give it a try. But uncertainty took hold of him, and suddenly he found himself shivering underneath the hot spray of water.
He was well aware of the sudden dread he felt, and he knew where it stemmed from. It wasn’t fear of using magic on a never tested spell - he had done it thousands of times before, and only once or twice had it gone wrong. No, he was afraid of the ritual failing.
After Loki had stepped out of the shower, he dried himself off and put on some fresh clothing.
Again he went over the specifics and he couldn’t detect a single fault. There was no point in delaying the execution. Yet, he found himself fighting an invisible barrier from whence he didn’t know it came.
Maybe it wasn’t just as simple as he made it out to be. He had tried to heal his sight before, and he had discovered that there were holes in his soul when it regarded his eyes. He also wasn’t about to just simply reverse damage. No, he had to reforge part of his soul. And for all his vast knowledge of magic, having once been Asgard’s greatest Seidr-master, forging a soul was only beholden to the Norns. And what he wanted to do - was about to do - would thwart them.
If they exist, the voice in the back of his head pressed. If they do, they would not have put you through such a fate, would they now?
The doubt if he could - if he could do something only the creators of life were able to do - was what was holding him back. Fear, but also discouragement. Was he able? Strong enough? What if his calculations were off? He could blow himself into oblivion. What if he couldn't handle the power? Just like that… thing HYDRA had recently given him to play with. It had almost torn him apart.
Loki shook his head to rid himself of the thoughts. There was no room for doubt. Neither was there time. HYDRA had proven that. They wanted him. Still. Or again? Loki was only sure of one thing: they would come for him again. And they would bring more tools and more bodies to do so.
He was out of time.
Not to mention his presence in this building also threatened the lives of the Avengers. He wondered if he cared about their lives. They weren’t his friends, but…
He had a hard time placing a finger on how he felt towards these Humans, but after some thought he concluded he didn’t wish death upon them, nor did he like the fact he put them in danger.
With a deep sigh he tried to bolster his courage to enact the ritual. And after a couple of more breaths he squared his shoulders; ready as he would ever be.
“J.A.R.V.I.S., I am going to perform a ritual and I do not wish to be disturbed.”
There was a moment of silence before the A.I. answered. “Mister Stark asks if you’d be so kind not to blow the building up.”
“There is hardly any left,” Loki mumbled. “But I shall not.”
“How long will this take?”
“Unknown.”
Another deep breath and then he set to it.
Loki moved the furniture to create more space than he needed and he began to draw runes on the concrete floor with the aid of his Seidr.
The setup he needed wasn't much, and thus it was quickly finished. Most time and energy would be consumed in and by the ritual itself. Yet, the setup was crucial and thus Loki double-checked if everything was in order.
Then, with healthy nervousness twisting his gut, he began.
***
“J., should I check on him?” Tony asked whilst tinkering with his suit.
“I presume you’re worried?”
“Of course I’m worried! There’s an all powerful wizard, God, whatever, performing a spell in my already wrecked building!” Tony spat.
“Ah. Are you worried for your property or for the God in question?”
Tony scoffed. “Do I have to choose?”
There was a moment of silence before J.A.R.V.I.S. answered. “If you ask me, I think it’s unwise to interrupt. Not only for shaming his trust - which you are all so avid to preserve - but also because it might just do the material damage you’re so afraid of.”
“That’s not comforting at all!”
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m keeping an eye on him and will inform you if something goes wrong.”
Anxiously, words rapidly tumbled from Tony’s lips. “And what if something does go wrong? What if he blows himself up or whatnot in his spell and he needs aid and we can’t enter through his magical barrier or whatever he’s put up?”
“Way ahead of you, Sir. I’ve put a certain wizard on speed dial just in case.”
Teeth sank into Tony’s lower lip as he tried to chew away the anxiety and he gave a curt nod. “If something goes wrong, notify me and call said wizard immediately.”
***
Hours ticked away as Loki carefully weaved his Seidr. Step by calculated step he created bonds between elements which existed and simultaneously didn’t, falling deeper into the mechanics of his ritual.
His fingers had begun to cramp a long time ago, but his mind was set on one goal, and thus he pushed on, not even feeling the pain. He was still nervous, but the anxiety was only lingering beneath his skin; a dull throb which was easy to ignore.
Progress was slow, but it was progress nonetheless. Loki could feel it. He was making steps and his confidence only grew as he neared his goal.
Almost!
It was almost within his reach.
Carefully, like holding liquid glass, he grasped the fabrics and pulled and pushed, twisted and turned. Then, he felt something new.
His heart made a little leap as he knew what it was.
Many times he had created objects and items out of thin air, created illusions or gave a nudge left or right. But all those things had been created from something. From his own Seidr, but this… This didn’t feel like manipulating molecules, but rather creating them.
Unfamiliar, raw, and so very powerful.
The Magic of Creation.
Glee washed over him, but it was short-lived as the Magic of Creation was suddenly torn from his hands.
A voice echoed all around him, soft, almost as a chant, but punishing. “Child. You are wielding powers which do not belong to you.”
The darkness which was always with him evaporated, and as often happened when he resided in the magical world, his vision returned.
There was a waiver in the air in front of him, and a beautiful deity presented itself to him. Long white hair cascading down their back, a fair face which was neither male nor female, and blue eyes brighter than the sea, riveting him to the spot.
Loki was so close and then suddenly this, this- being appeared and pulled it from his hands as if it was mere candy. Instantly, frustration and anger had taken hold of him, the rage surfacing so quickly and all-consuming that he didn’t even have a second to think about who he was addressing.
“Who are you!” he shouted.
The being didn’t seem fazed and calmly replied. “I was. I am. And I shall be.”
Then his anger ground to a painful halt as the words made him understand. A breath hitched in his throat and words failed him.
He had known in advance there could be unexpectancies in the ritual, but even this possibility hadn’t crossed his mind. Call it a lack of faith, or arrogance. But probably the feeling of unworthiness, because hadn’t they abandoned him? Who would ever have thought he would evoke the attention of a Norn?
The rage ignited itself again, but this time it wasn’t because he had lost hold of the Magic of Creation.
The Norns. The cruel beings who had woven his fate and had cast him down into the torment he had endured. Not only at the hands of HYDRA, but at so many other unfair things which had been done to him.
“Why!” he shouted, tears burning his eyes.
“Loki, you are asking me to justify our decisions?” they belittled.
“Your decisions are what brought me here!” he howled.
“Are they?” Again such a calm reply. Loki wanted to say something, but he was stopped. “Let us not go down that road. Your rage has its place, but it is not here and not with me. And you shall be unable to draw my blood, let alone kill me. As you might imagine, I shall always and forever be one step ahead of you, no matter what your smart, yet twisted mind can think of.”
“I am fully aware,” Loki gritted through his teeth, “but I can still try.”
The calmness which the being radiated was suddenly ever so slightly tainted with anger, and their voice boomed through the air. “Loki, child of no-one, forfeit this nonsense at once or your future shall be reshaped here and now! Teem your hatred, for it has no place.”
These words aimed at him wrought with malicious intent, but ringing so painfully with truth, knocked the air from Loki’s lungs and drained all his will to fight, smothering his anger. Hot tears etched themselves into his skin as he looked at the Norn. Still bewildered, slightly lost, but demure.
It was a fight he could never win, and if there was ever a time to surrender and know his place, it was now.
The Norn seemed to approve and serenity surrounded the being again. “That is better,” came the praise. “Now ask your question.”
Loki swallowed a couple of times to clear the lump in his throat. He wasn’t even surprised they already knew he had a question on his lips. “Why are you here?”
“To stop you and to give you a choice,” came the matter-of-factly reply. “And yes, you would have succeeded with your ritual had I not intervened. You still can, and I shall let you proceed, I shall grant you that, if you still desire to do so. Yet, you must know, continuing down the path you are set on shall come with a heavy price.”
“I am willing to pay any price!” Loki growled determined.
Nothing would stand in his way!
“Do not be so sure of that, my Child.”
“Stop calling me-”
“Ah, but I have created you, and therefore you are my child.”
Loki scoffed and mumbled, “Not a child of no-one, but child of a Norn.”
“As all are. But I am not here to discuss your dynasty with you, Loki Nornschild.”
The face he pulled at the last name he was suddenly given must have been truly something as the being let out a chuckle.
Nornschild.
It sounded so vile that his entire being recoiled from it.
The Norn waved their hand and a mirror formed in front of him. Nothing fancy, just a plain mirror, not even a frame to hold the reflecting surface in place.
Loki saw himself just as he was. As he currently is.
Someone who had found some confidence and tried to be regal, but the broken creature beneath betrayed by his eyes. His irises were almost completely white, barely a hint of the green vibrance they once borne. And his pupils grey, dull and lifeless.
Blind.
“Choose to continue down the road, but pay the price.”
The image in the mirror shifted. His pale, white skin formed ridges and turned blue. The grin of his perfect teeth forming themselves to sharp fangs. His nails grew long and dark blue, and became even more stark in contrast due to his eyes; eyes full of life, but the red colour of blood.
Of death.
Of a monster.
Subconsciously Loki took a step back and looked away, not able to face the reflection in the mirror.
“The choice is yours, Loki. Finish using the Magic of Creation and you shall regain your sight. Yet, your world will be black and white, filled with cold and ice, and a mind that aligns with the bloodthirsty beast within you.” The image he had never hoped to see again faded away. “Or turn around. Walk away and let go of your chasings to step into a future which is still shrouded in darkness, but is rich with brighter chances. The choice is yours.”
Then, the air wavered and the Norn was gone, leaving Loki alone with his choice to make.
***
“Out of the question. We’re gonna celebrate New Year’s Eve,” Tony said, his mind made up.
“Seriously? After we’ve just been attacked by HYDRA? They’re practically laying at our doorstep to make a misstep,” Sam argued.
“I don’t care. I’m not going to let HYDRA ruin any festivities. If we cower now they’ve won. And they haven’t. So we’re celebrating New Year’s Eve. Lots of guests will attend and I’ve arranged for fireworks.”
“And what of Loki?”
“What of him?” Tony asked, puzzled.
Sam shook his head, but wasn’t given a chance to answer.
“J., is he already awake?”
“No, Sir. He’s still in the ritual,” came the reply.
“How long has it been?” Sam beat Tony to the question, for they were all worried.
“Twenty hours,” J.A.R.V.I.S. answered.
“See. We don't even know if he’ll attend the party. Maybe he’s still in his trance or something. We’ll see,” Tony shrugged.
“I don’t like this, Stark.”
“Too bad. It’s going to happen!”
***
For hours on end Loki had stood there staring at the mirror, unable to make a choice.
Many times he had tried to manipulate the Magic of Creation to see if he could have it his way. But everytime he made the connection he could feel ice crawling up his spine. He dared not, and thus he had let go with every attempt.
He had seethed and raged, cried out for the Norn to come back, but he hadn't gotten an answer.
Then bitter tears had spilled, but they had been just as fruitless.
There was no way around this. It wouldn’t matter how he bent or twisted the magic to heed his desires. There were only two options laid out before him: become the monster and live on the frozen wastelands of Jotunheim, or go back to the darkness and face an uncertain future.
Fists clenching and unclenching by his side and with his teeth gritted, he kicked at nothing in particular. This was so frustrating. Months! Months of work had been put into this and now, once again, these pesky Norns were deciding his fate.
He screamed and paced, cursed and growled, but the anger wouldn’t lessen, and his heart didn’t feel any lighter.
With bared teeth he walked to the mirror.
He pulled on the Magic of Creation and immediately he could feel the ice form at the base of his spine. Yet, he didn’t let go and instead steered the ice towards his hand, touching the smooth surface of the mirror. The minute his icy fingertips touched the surface, the mirror cracked and his reflection changed.
The distorted image of the monster stared back at him.
“Are you actually considering this?” the distorted reflection asked.
“If I were not, I would have left,” Loki replied snidely.
“Pathetic. A monster's life is meaningless.”
“Coming from you,” Loki scoffed. “What if I'm not a monster? What if I can have Jotunheim bow before me? Am I not their King? I killed Laufey. The throne is rightfully mine!”
The reflection laughed mockingly. “Conquering Jotunheim? And another realm? You cannot even conquer your own fear, let alone make play you are King. You are, and will remain, broken!”
“I shall arise from the ashes!” Loki shouted, but the courage he tried to put into his statement lacked conviction.
“Liar!” Again that mocking laugh. “Can you feel it?”
“What?”
“The darkness, of course. It is within you, even now. The anxiety is always ready to strike, only leashed by a thin thread which so easily snaps.”
The nervousness Loki had been feeling underneath his skin suddenly awakened the beast inside of him, growling and clawing to be let out. It hurt his stomach and nausea built in the back of his throat.
“You feel that?” the reflection pressed. “That is the beast I am talking about. It shall always be with you. You cannot be a King. Kings have no fear!”
Words failed him, and Loki could only glare back at the distorted reflection of his monstrous self. The other was right. Kings didn’t have fear. He’d never seen Odin afraid, and what King would someone make if they broke down in panic? Or got caught into memories at the worst moment possible? He had already had a black-out during another fight with HYDRA, and even a normal King couldn’t afford that. Let alone a King amongst beasts. The Jotun would skin him alive when they caught him in one of his episodes.
Yet, the words the reflection had spoken had ignited a spark. A will to survive, to thrive, and to rid himself of the dark demon haunting him. The flame which just had gotten ignited was small, making his words lack conviction, but it had been ignited nonetheless.
“I shall free myself from this dark beast.”
“You are not powerful enough. Heed my words. You are better off if you just surrender to it.” The beast's dark lips pulled away from his pointy teeth, grinning macabrely at him.
Loki looked at his hand which was still touching the mirror; digits enveloped by ice and a cold still freezing his spine. This was one of the powers given to him. Yet, it was a power he did not desire. And that aversion, the hatred for his true self bolstered his resolve. “Never! I shall conquer this. Just as I have done before.”
The flame began to burn brighter.
The monster replied sweet as honey, but the offer was laced with poison. “I can help you with that. Give in to your desire and I shall tame the beast. You know what you shall get in return. The price you have to pay.”
“I do not want you!” Loki sneered. “I do not need you.”
“No matter the choice you make, I shall always be by your side. Hiding under your skin and in your mind. You want to walk away from this? After all you have worked for? Make that choice if you wish. But do not forget, you cannot survive without me.”
“I can and I shall!”
The creature laughed; a sound of parchment grating over stone. “Ah, but it might not be me who you need. After all, you didn’t come here for me, did you? You came for something else entirely.”
His monstrous self was changing subject and opinion fast. At every possible angle the creature tried to sow confusion. It was almost as if it was purely intended on hurting Loki in every possible way it could.
“Weren’t you prepared to pay any price?” the monster continued. “This is the price, and now you are backing out of the deal? Pathetic. Weak. Not fit to be king. Maybe it is for the best you cower back to the world of Mortals. You fit perfectly amongst them!”
The words hurt, but they fed the flame. “Maybe I do,” Loki answered thoughtfully.
“What?” the monster asked, confused.
“Maybe I do belong on Midgard, amongst the Mortals. Maybe it is the best place for me to be. The Jotun would never accept me. They would perceive me as weak, just as you pointed out. Not to mention I shall have to live as a beast. The Aesir never wanted me to begin with, and they have made it very clear every step of the way. But Midgard… The Humans of Midgard have treated me kindly, and there are currently seven of them who are prepared to lay their lives on the line for me. Who have taken me in, have tried to help me in their own awkward ways, and have yet to prove me otherwise.”
“They will fail you too!”
“Probably,” Loki shrugged. “And if they do, I shall just burn them down.”
“Have you so easily forgotten what the Humans did to you? It is the reason why you are here in the first place!”
Loki stared at his monstrous reflection for a couple of heartbeats before he admitted, “You are correct. However, the Humans who have wronged me are after all just that. Humans. And I shall get my hands on HYDRA and grind them underneath the heel of my boot to make them pay for what they have done.”
“If you so easily side with the Humans, why not go back to Asgard? They treat you the same.”
“That is where you are wrong. The Aesir have made me live a lie for centuries. They mocked me at my weakest moments, and shunned me at my strongest. And you are forgetting that the way to Asgard is barred. Otherwise I would not be here.”
“But-” the monster began, but was cut short as Loki held up his free hand and spoke.
“I do not want to hear anymore of your poisonous words. You are only here to keep me off balance and to hurt me. To you it is not about which choice I make; either is fine to you. No, you want to drag me down, back into the darkness. Make me feel miserable and destroy me. No more. The choice is simple.”
Yes. The choice was easy enough. Yet, it was no less painful.
With tears running down his face Loki let go of the Magic of Creation. The ice still enveloping his hand and touching the mirror melted. Then the mirror blew into a million tiny pieces, showering him in a spray of glass.
He had made his choice.
For now.
***
With the remnants of the ritual still surrounding him, Loki sat in the middle of the room. He wasn’t moving, and if it weren’t for his chest to rise and fall with every breath, one might think he was a statue.
The darkness was with him and it would always be. Not just the beast lingering underneath his skin, ready to break free, but the darkness for which he had chosen.
This ritual had been his last effort to resolve the problem, and now he would forever remain blind. Even if he could travel to Asgard one day and a Soul-forge would be available to him, it couldn’t solve the problem. The Norns themselves had given him the choice, and no machine or Seidr could surpass them.
It slowly began to sink in which ramifications his choice would have. Loki didn’t regret his decision, because it was better to live a blind life than one of bloodlust. Still, he had made a great sacrifice.
He had given up part of his being. He was the Trickster; the one who could weave the most real illusions of any kind into the beautiful lies they are. Without his sight the ability would come to fade.
Of course there was still much else he could do, but the trickery and illusions had been such a major part of his life, he now had to reinvent himself.
Or you have to work really hard to regain the ability, the voice in the back of his head offered.
How was he to do that? He could never see the results.
But are there not seven humans who are prepared to help?
Loki mulled on the words and let out a sigh. His stomach rumbled and every bone in his body ached. He was too tired for this train of thoughts. It was a question to which the answer would have to wait.
It felt like his legs were made of gelatine and there was Uru in his boots as he tried to get up. Every muscle in his body ached and he felt a wave of vertigo when he was finally on his feet.
This ritual had truly done a number on him.
Slowly he made his way to the tiny kitchen in the room and opened a cupboard to grab some biscuits. His stomach kept churning due to a lack of food, but his throat felt as if it was closed off. Would it even be possible to get a bite past the constriction?
Then, he filled a glass of water and sat down in the nearest chair he could find. Carefully he took a small nibble from a dry biscuit.
“J.A.R.V.I.S., how much time has passed?” he asked whilst trying to swallow the crumbs in his mouth.
“Twenty six hours, forty three minutes and nineteen seconds.”
Loki had always liked the extreme detail with which the A.I. answered questions.
He nodded slowly, taking another tiny bite from his biscuit.
“And how worried-” Loki couldn’t even finish his question as the door banged open.
Three people - their auras riddled with worry - entered the room, immediately answering the question he had had.
“Lokes!” Tony exclaimed.
Loki flinched. He wasn’t sure if he liked this degeneration of his name. However, it was less unpleasant than what the Norn had called him.
Apparently the eye-prier and Natasha were there too, and the former spoke next. “Are you okay?”
“I am well,” Loki answered demurely. He was too exhausted for a long conversation and lengthy explanations.
“That took forever. What have you been doing? Did everything go okay? Does this usually take so long?” Of course it was Tony who was quick to ask the questions. He almost forgot to take breaks between his words, concern still etched into his aura.
With a sigh, Loki tossed his biscuit on the table in front of him and instead picked up his glass to take a sip of water. At least, that had been his intention, but instead he drained the glass of its contents in one go.
“Tony, I don’t think this is the right time for all those questions,” Natasha said calmly.
“But-” Tony tried.
Natasha cut him off. “We came to check if he’s fine, which he is, and now it’s time to give him some space.”
“Loki, if you need anything, just let me know,” the eye-prier said, and walked away.
“Come,” Natasha bade, and guided Tony away much to his dismay.
The door closed and Loki was alone again.
***
“What do you mean ‘you brought it with you’!”
“Well, exactly that. You didn’t think I was going to leave such a trinket with HYDRA?”
“And it’s here in the building?”
“No wonder they attacked us. Are we sure it was Loki they were after?”
“Should I have left it with them? Better here than there. Much safer here!”
“Doubt that.”
“At least now they can’t use it and do harm or damage.”
“Still… I think this is a dumb idea. And I would’ve liked it if you had notified us sooner about its presence.”
“This is dangerous. Too dangerous.”
“Only if HYDRA gets their hands on it. For now, it’s safe and I’ll be careful studying it.”
***
It was the third day after Loki had made his choice, and in those three days he hadn’t left his room. Even worse, he had barely left his bed, been dependent on the sustenance the Avengers brought him and his mind constantly felt on the edge of shattering. Yet, where his mind had been so easy to crumble before, it now felt as if there was a thin barrier preventing it from happening.
The ritual had been exhausting, more than Loki had thought it would be. But most of all, the choice he had made weighed heavier on him than he could have anticipated.
Luckily, Natasha’s crusade to keep the Avengers off his back with their questions had worked. Nobody had asked a single question about the event and they had just helped him like they previously had done. Even Bucky had showed up once to watch television for an hour while Loki did nothing else than curling up in the soft blankets.
He would get over it. He would be able to live with his choice and with the eternal loss of his sight, but for now he needed time. And time he had plenty.
There was a knock on the door followed by a click of the latch opening said door.
“Loki?” the person questioned.
It was Tony. He hadn’t stopped by since Natasha had ushered him from the room. Loki didn’t know why. After all, wasn’t he the Human to which this building belonged?
“Here’s something to eat,” the man said, putting a - by the sound of it - platter on the nightstand beside the bed. “I uh-,” he began. “Loki, just so you know, tomorrow there’ll be a party and we want you to attend.”
“Want, or have to?” he answered in a monotone voice.
Briefly, Loki could feel the anxiety spike in the other’s aura before he answered. “It’s non-negotiable.”
Loki groaned his displeasure.
“Lots of people want to meet you. It’ll be fun. So, eh- Don’t be late.” He was already taking his leave, but was stopped by a question.
“What is the occasion?” Loki still wasn’t overly enthusiastic about the situation, but a little more information couldn’t hurt.
“New year’s Eve, of course,” Tony replied happily, the cheeriness he felt about the festivity bleeding through in his energy.
“Of course,” Loki mumbled sourly.
“You have heard of it, haven’t you?”
Loki couldn’t prevent an irritated sigh escaping him. Why did these Humans think he knew nothing of their realm and its traditions? He might not know how a television worked, but some things were older than the grand-parents of their grand-parents. “I have seen Humans celebrating the changing of years for a millennium and more. I am aware of what you are celebrating.”
“Damn. There’s no need to be snappy,” the other answered, peeved. “What did you do in that ritual?”
Blind eyes sought their way to Tony’s form, riveting him to the spot. Quickly the Human began to back-paddle. “Apparently you found your… Spine. Good for you. I’ll be off then. Don’t forget. Tomorrow!”
And in a whirlwind Tony left the room, the door closing with a thud.
Loki furrowed his brows. That had been strange. Was Tony- Had he been afraid of him?
So, I haven't been around the fandom for some time. I'm active on Pinterest tho. And suddenly Pinterest jumps me with new pictures of Tom. AND CAN SOMEONE FOR THE LOVE OF THE STARS TELL ME WHAT MAGIC SPELL THIS MAN USED IN 2021??!!
I just found your fics and they're amazing! I do hope you continue writing, Follow the Blind ended with a cliffhanger. 😖 I get it, though. It's been a year since I've written anything. 🥲
Hey darling. Ahw, thank you 😁 yeah, I want to write, but I have a hard time to make time. Funny thing, a few weeks ago I almost finished the next chapter of FtB, but then a plot bunny hopped by and well... I have to rewrite half a chapter 😅 I still intend to finish the fic, but it might take a looooong time before I do 😔
Warnings: Whump, torture, angst, Loki is a mess, panic attacks, mentions of suicide, depression, violence, PTSD.
Words: 8630
Summary: (Loki’s POV, Third POV, Loki centered) Loki falls from the Bifrost, but instead of landing in Thanos’ clutches, he lands on earth and falls into the hands HYDRA. Years later the Avengers stumble across him and decide to take him in.
A/N: Yes, it’s been an eternity since I updated this fic. Sorry, but not sorry. Hope you still enjoy it anyway. :-)
Previous chapter
—-
“Come on, Loki, we’ve got a surprise for you!” Steve said enthusiastically.
Every muscle in his body pulled taut, and warily he sought out the other man with his energy reading. A ‘surprise’ according to them didn’t necessarily mean a surprise he’d like. HYDRA had sometimes used that excuse as well and the ending had only been painful for him.
“We’re not gonna hurt you. Come on,” Steve urged, but his tone indicated he had caught the wariness Loki felt.
“Tell me, what is this surprise?” Loki asked, anxiety already nipping at his ankles.
Warnings: Whump, torture, angst, Loki is a mess, panic attacks, mentions of suicide, depression, violence, PTSD.
Words: 8630
Summary: (Loki’s POV, Third POV, Loki centered) Loki falls from the Bifrost, but instead of landing in Thanos’ clutches, he lands on earth and falls into the hands HYDRA. Years later the Avengers stumble across him and decide to take him in.
A/N: Yes, it’s been an eternity since I updated this fic. Sorry, but not sorry. Hope you still enjoy it anyway. :-)
Previous chapter
----
“Come on, Loki, we've got a surprise for you!” Steve said enthusiastically.
Every muscle in his body pulled taut, and warily he sought out the other man with his energy reading. A ‘surprise’ according to them didn’t necessarily mean a surprise he’d like. HYDRA had sometimes used that excuse as well and the ending had only been painful for him.
“We’re not gonna hurt you. Come on,” Steve urged, but his tone indicated he had caught the wariness Loki felt.
“Tell me, what is this surprise?” Loki asked, anxiety already nipping at his ankles.
“If I tell you, it won’t be a surprise.”
“In that regard I shall decline your offer.”
A sigh escaped the other. “If you don’t like it, you’re free to leave. Otherwise I’m asking you to trust us.”
“Free to leave the scene, or free to leave altogether?” Loki asked.
“You are free to leave altogether, but you know how that went last time.”
Loki flinched, the memories burned all too well in his mind. Yet, the other didn’t deny him his freedom, but it still felt as if he couldn’t leave if he desired so. Was that due to them, or were these shackles of his own making?
“Just… have a little faith and give us a chance,” Steve pushed, sounding tired. “It’ll be me and Clint.”
Take a leap of faith.
Was this to be his new mantra?
All the possible outcomes of this surprise flitted through Loki’s mind, most of them rather nefarious. Yet, he couldn’t deny he was curious and could use a change of scenery.
The passed days had become quite a drag and had come and gone without Loki truly noticing. Not much eventful had happened. Sometimes Natasha came to collect him for training. Bucky stopped by to silently watch TV in his room (Loki suspected the Shadow needed an escape of some sorts from time to time). And the others regularly came to check upon him, or bring him food. Other than that, nothing happened. Nobody pressed him. Nobody forced him.
Nothing.
He also began to believe that these Humans, Avengers as they called themselves, maybe weren’t part of HYDRA. Yet, he still wasn’t sure, but the evidence began to speak in their favour.
Loki would've gone mad due to sheer boredom, hadn't it been for his special books. Tony had received and set up the printer, and Loki was devouring books as if he had to catch up. Which he, obviously, had.
When Loki didn’t give an indication he was coming along, Steve decided to meet him halfway. “When was the last time you went outside?”
For a heartbeat Loki was silent until he reluctantly admitted, “I cannot remember.”
“We can, and it has been weeks. Come on.”
Loki could feel his anxiety rising, but he unfolded himself from the couch anyway, pushing past his fears. Tautly he nodded - an indication as good as any he would join.
“Put on something warm,” Steve advised.
With his brows furrowed, Loki complied nonetheless, magicking a fur cloak.
Steve made a small sound of surprise. “It’s actually pretty amazing you can do that.”
Loki shrugged.
They made their way down the hallway and into the elevator which brought them to ground level and they arrived in the foyer of the building.
It was just like he remembered, when he had tried to escape the first time. The place was teeming with people, and many of these people greeted them. Well, they mostly greeted Steve, calling him Captain, but Loki could feel their greetings extended to him as well.
Nervousness was eating him alive and, hidden between his back and cloak, he was fumbling with his hands.
Then they were outside, and after a couple of steps Loki could hear something crunch beneath his boots. The moment he stopped dead in his tracks to investigate, something hit his chest, shattering on impact and cold briefly graced his jaw.
“Clint!” Steve exclaimed chastisting.
Loki’s heart was suddenly racing, the anxious beast prowling its cage, but reason overruled fear. It was obvious what had hit him, and the Humans didn’t know what they were in for.
He sought out Clint’s form, his face a feigned mix of fear and anger. The ruse worked.
“Shit,” Clint mumbled and he began to backpaddle. “I’m sorry. Shouldn’t have done that. Please, don-”
His pleading got interrupted as something hit him in the back and a mischievous smile curled Loki’s lips.
Clint’s aura showed confusion, but it quickly turned to resolve, mixed with mirth and anticipation.
Before Loki was well aware, snowballs were flying through the air.
For all his blindness, his aim wasn’t off, and neither was his ability to dodge the frosted missiles. But Loki wasn’t playing fair, and Clint and Steve kept reminding him of that. The Humans were limited to using their hands, but Loki could create dozens at the time with his magic, drawing fake complaints from them. They were pretty apt at dodging his snowballs themselves.
For the first time in years, Loki laughed. Genuinely, mirthful, mischievous and for a moment, free of sorrow.
***
Worn down, Loki sat on the couch of his cell. It had become his new favorite spot instead of his bed. It reminded him of a luxurious sofa he had once owned when living on Asgard. Any other memories regarding the matter were vague.
After his snowball fight with Clint and Steve, they had something called hot cocoa. It reminded him of the delicious, sweet chocolate paste they brought him once in a while. And the sweet, soft topping had been nothing short of a delight which perfectly matched the hot beverage.
Now he was tired, but it didn’t tarnish the happiness he felt.
It had been a nice surprise indeed.
There was a knock on his door, followed by someone opening it. “Loki?” Sam asked.
“Yes?” He sounded more agitated than he felt.
“Do you need anything?”
Loki shook his head. He just wanted to sleep.
Normally when he was asked if he needed something and he denied them, they’d swiftly leave, but this time Sam lingered in the doorway. It was aggravating and Loki’s exhaustion made him snap. “What?”
“I uh- haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I have never seen you before,” Loki countered without thought.
“Yeah…” Sam trailed, obviously put off. “Can we talk?”
Loki shrugged. He wasn’t particularly happy to do so, but he was too tired to put up a futile fight over such a small matter.
Sam stepped inside, closing the door behind him.
“Look, I’m sorry I lost sight of you. I never should have left you alone.”
“As my appointed guardian, you failed your job indeed,” Loki pointed out.
“I know,” Sam admitted softly.
Loki’s head whipped into the man’s direction, his blind eyes squeezed to slits with suspicion. “Riddle me this,” he began mistrustfully. “You claim you are not HYDRA, and this might be true. But if you were my appointed guardian, then how does this not make you HYDRA?”
There was a moment of silence before Sam answered, sounding small. “Steve asked me to keep an eye on you when you left.”
“So my supposed given freedom was a lie after all,” Loki bit nasty.
“No, not like that!” Sam exclaimed urgently. “You were, are, free. But the Avengers just simply asked me to keep an eye on you to see if you could get by on your own considering what happened the time before that. Just to keep you from trouble and I-” Sam took a sharp intake of breath, “-I failed you.”
Anger, suspicion, disbelief, scorn; Loki didn’t know what he exactly felt, but everything about this revelation was fishy.
If Sam wasn’t HYDRA, and had done as the Avengers had asked, they never had truly set him free. If Sam was HYDRA, he had done exactly what he was supposed to, and his mission wasn’t finished yet (or had changed course), meaning Loki still wasn’t out of the woods. What if the Avengers were true, but Sam was HYDRA and tried to infiltrate?
There was a lie somewhere caught in this reasoning, but he had trouble pinpointing it. Blame it on his tiredness or something else, Loki knew not. But he knew one thing: he was furious.
The door opened once more, and Loki could feel Steve entering. He didn’t know whether he was saved from Sam, or if Sam got saved from him, but the tension was tangible enough that Steve noticed immediately. “Everything okay?”
“I should leave,” Sam mumbled.
“You should,” Loki snidely agreed.
When Sam passed Steve, Loki could see the auras of both men flash and clash, something unspoken and unseen passing between them.
Steve lingered for another couple of seconds, not saying a word, before he left as well.
***
“You did what!” Steve exclaimed.
Sam had just told him what had passed between him and Loki, and defensively he said, “I wasn’t gonna lie to him!”
“No, but we can’t afford this setback either!” Steve was extremely displeased, if not downright pissed off.
“I know, I know. And I’m sorry. It’s just-” Sam lifted and dropped one shoulder. “-He kinda scares me. He’s changed so much and he’s no longer the broken man I remember. Which is good, but it… He’s powerful, and you know it. He’s Thor’s brother and therefore a God or Demigod or whatever, and that’s frightening.”
Sam wasn’t one to be fearful quickly. Steve had seen him many times dive head on into situations which were less than favorable for them, but he understood where the fear came from. Diving towards one’s death was one thing, but Loki’s twisted mind, severely damaged by HYDRA, was another. HYDRA had shown that there were worse things than death. Who knew what tricks Loki would pull?
Bucky hadn’t been free from HYDRA’s grasp either, so why would Loki be?
When Steve spoke, he was calmer than before. “Yes, and he’s going to be more frightening if we shame his trust, lie to him, and pull stunts like these.”
“Oh, so you were going to tell him?” Sam asked, peeved.
“Eventually, yes. When the time was right.”
Sam shook his head. “I don’t think there’d ever be a right time.”
“Maybe…” Steve trailed and then he sighed. “Fine, what happened, happened. We just have to pick up the broken pieces again.”
“I’m sorry, man.”
Steve nodded. “I know you are, and you’re forgiven, of course.”
***
“Loki, you're distracted,” Natasha said as she booped his nose after breaking through his defences.
He didn't like the playful touch, but he was grateful she hadn't punched him instead.
“I have had enough,” Loki retorted roughly and magicked his weapons away.
Before he could turn to leave, she grabbed his arm to halt him. “What’s on your mind?”
“Unhand me,” he replied calmly, but his anxiety was already rising.
She did as he demanded, but her aura made it clear she wasn't ready with this conversation, yet. “Loki, if something is bothering you, you can share it with us. You know that, right?”
“Can I?” he asked rhetorically.
“You still don't trust us?”
“You once again ask a question to which you well know the answer.”
“If not, then why do you train with me?” she asked, walking to the side of the room to fetch their water bottles.
Loki was grateful for the space she created between them. His anxiety didn’t worsen, but it didn’t lessen either. After trying to swallow the lump in his throat, he shrugged and answered, “There is a difference between you, and them.”
The gratification in Natasha’s aura was almost tangible, and Loki was quick to temper her mirth. “Do not flatter yourself. You are, just like them, still one of my captors.”
“Ah, but you trust me more than the others.”
Normally Loki’s former statement would have evoked a discussion or a rise out of one of these Humans. They would insist he wasn’t their prisoner, but Natasha let it slide (this time). In favor of what? Loki wondered. Conversation?
“I would say it is not a matter of trust,” he retorted, sounding slightly haughty.
Resignation quickly replaced the joy in her aura, and it was a good thing Loki was used to her throwing the bottle without warning. He was perfectly able to catch it, even though her throw had been harsher than normal.
Even more so, with his energy reading - which was now fully enhanced by his Seidr - he could easily discern the energy of the water, and even the minor amount of energy in the plastic.
“Still there’s something on your mind,” she pressed.
Loki unscrewed the cap of his bottle and took a sip. “Am I obliged to share?”
Natasha sighed exasperated. “How many more times do I have to tell you we’re not going to force you to answer.”
A little smile played on his lips. “At least once more, Milady Natasha. As always.”
And probably a thousand times more, but he held his tongue. He wasn’t sure if she would catch the reference, but it was definitely time Bucky would start watching TV in his own room. Or cell. Or whatever it was to him.
Natasha didn’t answer and thus Loki pressed. “Let me ask you the same question in return. Do you trust me?” Natasha’s aura shifted, but she didn’t respond immediately, thus Loki said, “Precisely, you do not.”
“You didn’t even give me the time to answer that,” she said calmly, but Loki caught the annoyance in her voice.
“You did not answer immediately because you doubted the truth of the confirmation you were about to give.”
“Well, I do trust you.”
“But you truly do not,” Loki stated with a wry smile. “Do not lie to me, Natasha. If I am not allowed to lie, then neither are you.”
Suddenly Natasha’s aura shifted to confusion, and the confusement bled through in her voice. “Who said you aren’t allowed to lie? You are, after all, the God of Lies.”
That statement - the title he had once borne - made him inhale sharply and he was unable to keep the frustration and sadness he felt regarding the matter from his face.
The door to their training room opened and Loki recognized the Shadow’s aura. Yet, Natasha distracted him with her sharp wits, and even though the window of opportunity was small, she took it nonetheless. “You don’t believe that anymore, do you?”
Loki didn’t answer.
She had him cornered with her words, not to mention he was doubting to speak up with Bucky in the room.
“When was the last time you told a lie, Loki?” she pressed.
His teeth clamped down on each other, the crease between his brows one of frustration and anger. He wanted to snap.
He shouldn’t.
He couldn’t remember the last time he had lied. He had done it so often in the past that it had become a subconscious action. HYDRA had well beaten it out of him, and now he couldn’t even remember what his last lie had been.
Doubt filled him to the core, and instead of using words at which he should be so apt to answer, Loki chose to walk away.
***
The reason for Loki’s distraction during his training session with Natasha had been because his mind was occupied with the creation of a new spell.
He still hadn’t made peace with his blindness, and he doubted if he ever would. But he suspected he would be forced to if he failed.
Tony had given him an option to read, and next to reading for entertainment, Loki had also been doing research. Every book that even had a shrapnel of information about witchcraft was printed and devoured.
He didn’t make notes because he couldn’t, but luckily he needn’t either. If he wanted, J.A.R.V.I.S. could probably note whatever he was saying and print it for later reference, but Loki didn't trust the A.I., nor any of these people for that matter.
Yesterday, Sam had proven that once again.
Now that a Soulforge wasn’t an option, he was trying to fabricate a spell to cure his blindness. And his knowledge about a Soulforge and its mechanics, combined with his knowledge about Seidr, should suffice and prove fruitful.
Still, he was a long way from his attempt.
The base of the spell was built upon a blindness spell - a simple piece of magic in and on itself. It would be as simple (and complicated) as just reversing the mechanics. Yet, a blindness hex was often temporary and this one had to last for thousands of years.
Thus, after he had taken a shower, he set to work again, making mental notes and rereading some passages in his books.
And so the days drifted by in the same drag as before.
Yet, the beast of anxiety seemed to shrink. Vivid memories that once haunted and taunted him on an hourly basis, hadn’t tormented him for days, save for the occasional feeling, sound or smell he couldn’t place.
Loki also found that he was slightly happier, and the moments where he felt lethargic were shorter opposed to days on end as once had been the case.
Maybe, just maybe, these Avengers weren’t part of HYDRA and maybe they truly just wanted to help him.
***
“Sir, you are expected in the common room,” J.A.R.V.I.S. suddenly piped up.
“Expected?” Loki asked, his eyebrows inched towards his hairline.
“Yes. I’m afraid it’s mandatory.”
Loki was silent, clenching his jaw. “I was under the assumption I am free in my decisions.”
“You are. But it’s Christmas, a non-negotiable social obligation.”
Every muscle in his body suddenly pulled taut, his breathing shallow and the beast of anxiety immediately escaped its cage. A dread almost akin to despair, settled in his stomach and it made him nauseous.
“I believe it is known to you as Yule,” J.A.R.V.I.S. added.
“I am familiar with Christmas,” Loki grated out between clenched teeth, his voice wavering. “Non-negotiable or not, I decline.”
“They’re quite hellbent on celebrating it with you, and they already feared you’d decline. Therefore they instructed me to tell you that if you don’t come to them, they’ll come to you. And in my opinion, Sir, your room is too small for such a crowd.”
The Norns be damned, Loki thought bitterly. There was no way he would get off the hook.
He could stubbornly ignore it, magically seal his door and deny them access, but he had a feeling it would come back to him. No. It was better to meet them on his terms - if he had any say in that matter.
“Fifteen minutes,” he mumbled, ending the discussion which was actually an extortion.
Loki used his fifteen minutes to calm himself down and he tried to batter the anxiety back in its cage. He managed, marginally. At least he wasn’t nauseous anymore.
Also, he performed a series of quick spells. Nothing grand, but some basic protection and warding hexes. If needed, he would be protected for some time without having drained himself in advance for a possible fight.
Once he felt he could move without shaking or throwing up, he walked to the door, but J.A.R.V.I.S. stopped him dead in his tracks. “Uhm, Sir. I hate to break it. But it’s Midgardian custom to dress nicely for this celebration.”
Loki was perplexed. “What?”
“Well, not everyone agrees with this tradition, and even though all the Avengers said they wouldn’t dress fancy, all of them still donned their best attires.”
It made sense. None of them had ever complained about what he was and wasn’t wearing, but as far as he knew, Christmas was a celebration nonetheless.
The request reminded him of grand feasts and celebrations on Asgard, from which there was one almost every week. Loki had owned dozens of outfits for every occasion imaginable and looking your best - especially if you were a Prince - was expected.
Melancholically, Loki lost himself in the memories of what once had been. But the request simultaneously evoked excitement. He longed to wear something nice instead of this simple, itchy shirt and trousers.
Would he be able to regain a shred of his former self or feel some joy if he wore a nice attire? There was only one way to find out, and it took (once again) a leap of faith.
With his Seidr he magicked a different attire; a green tunic decorated with golden details at the hem of the sleeves and neck. On top of that a sleeveless, leather black coat which came to his knees, decorated with intricate plaitings, some golden details on the rims and a golden buckle to fasten it. And to finish it off, green trousers tucked into black, calf-high, leather boots.
It wasn’t as fancy as he could magic or as he once had owned, but he was sure this looked good without the ability to see himself in a mirror.
And it felt good.
Still anxious, but with the smallest of smiles on his lips, he opened the door, and this time he wasn’t stopped. A strange feeling of excitement mixed with pure dread swiveled through him as he made his way to the desired room.
Once he reached the destined floor and the elevator doors slit open, he was met with a very sweet scent. Loki opened the door to the common room and the scent of pine-trees got added to it, assaulting his nose trills.
Pinetrees…
A memory tried to take root, but Tony demanded his attention, leaving him with only the feeling of the memory.
“Loki!” he exclaimed happily. “Looking sharp. Glad you're here.”
“I did not have a choice in the matter,” he retorted smally, the nail of his thumb running over the pad of his index finger. He could feel goosebumps running over his spine.
His senses were running in overdrive. Every person in the room, every little speck of dust that so much as moved, he could sense it. Small conversations between the attendants all reached his ears and were quickly processed and assessed to determine if someone was a threat. And that sweet taste that was heavily in this room had already settled on his tongue.
There weren't a lot of people present in regard to the huge festivity J.A.R.V.I.S. had made it sound. Just… All of his tormentors. Not even a plus one.
“Yeah. But we're glad to have you. There's a buffet over there,” the man rambled, indicating something Loki couldn't see. “Have anything you like. Steve made some eggnog, there's punch too, but be careful with that one. Natasha made it. It ah- It packs quite a punch.” Tony chuckled.
“Hey!” Natasha exclaimed peeved, but she left it at that.
“I swear, there's an entire bottle of vodka in there,” Tony whispered loudly and giggled.
Loki forced a small smile and before he could check himself he quipped, “And by the smell of your breath, you do not seem to mind.”
It hadn't been an amusing remark, but Tony laughed as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. Definitely drunk, or well on his way.
Loki could feel that Bucky made their way to them, and once he had joined he said, “Well, Tony. Maybe you could fetch me a glass.”
Apparently he wasn’t the only one on high alert.
Tony scuffed away, mumbling something intangible to do as Bucky had suggested.
“Figured you needed saving. He's been at it since noon,” Bucky explained without having been asked.
Loki nodded, his tongue glued to his pallette and he couldn't suppress a shudder or two.
Then, just as quick as the other had joined, Bucky was gone.
Loki didn't want to do anything more than leave, and he debated with himself what would be a proper amount of time to stay to satisfy them, but short enough for him to not go crazy. Thirty minutes? An hour?
Sadly, his idea got shattered and the man at the top of the hierarchy rounded everyone up in the seating area for gift exchange.
This wasn't going to be done within an hour, Loki suspected.
Tony had quite a mind about how he wanted to go about this - he would give the first gift, and the receiver would open it. Then that person would grab the next gift and give it to the person it was intended for, who would unwrap it, and so on.
Natasha came up next to Loki, pushing a plate with food and cutlery on his lap, and a glass with something in his hand.
However, Loki wasn't hungry at all. His anxiety made sure of that and the smell of food on top of the sweet scent which lingered in the room made him nauseous again. The drink, however, smelled sweet and alluring and he dared a sip. Yet, his body disagreed and he could feel his stomach churning.
Conversation and laughter piped up around him, gifts getting exchanged, but he was hardly paying attention, let alone joining a conversation. This really wasn’t the occasion for him to be mirthful and enjoy.
“Loki!”
He snapped out of his mulling as someone happily exclaimed his name.
“This one's for you,” Bruce said, walking to him and handing over the item while someone pulled the plate from his lap.
Loki was unable to keep the shock he felt from his face. This wasn’t happening. He couldn’t… he wouldn’t-
“What? You thought we wouldn’t get you any presents?” Tony asked jokingly. “There’s more than one.”
Within a heartbeat Loki could feel all color drain from his face, the gift shaking in his hands as it was beyond his control.
“Come on, open it,” Clint urged.
With trembling hands Loki found a ribbon to undo, and he felt around for the opening of the package. He found a lid. After taking a deep breath and expecting the worst, he opened it.
Tears were biting the back of his eyes and he could feel bile rise in the back of his throat. Carefully he stuck his hand into the box to free its contents - something soft and obviously made from fabric graced his fingers.
“Well? What is it?” Clint asked impatiently.
Words failed to get past Loki’s constricted throat, fear eating him alive and almost enabling him to take the content out.
“Oh, that’s a nice coat,” Bruce said as Loki held up the item, willing his hands to stop trembling, but utterly failing at it.
“Yeah. Figured he could use one to blend in more. Instead of a cloak,” Steve remarked, betraying the gift was his.
“I do not want this,” Loki said with a creaking voice, barely able to get the words out.
“Ungrateful much,” Clint mumbled softly.
The remark made Loki flinch.
“Why not?” someone asked.
Simultaneously, Steve said, “Because you hadn’t expected it and didn’t get any of us something? That’s okay.”
“I- I-” Loki hackled, trying to swallow the bile and bite the tears back.
His ears were ringing and his entire being screamed to flee. It didn’t matter where, which direction, or how, and he simultaneously longed for the chair in which he was seated to swallow him whole.
“If you wish to return a favor, I’d like some extra training with you some time,” Natasha offered.
The idea to exchange for a service instead of a touchable gift got quickly picked up by the others, and like a spreading wildfire the Humans listed favors they would like in return.
“I’d love to have you by my side in the lab for half a day,” said Tony.
“Another shot at proving myself to you,” offered Sam.
“A story,” Clint said pointedly.
“Story?” asked Natasha.
Clint directed his attention to Loki. “You’re a thousand years old, you must have good stories. And I'm willing to listen.”
“Oh, I’d like a story too,” Bruce said enthusiastically.
The entire conversation had gone so fast, Loki’s mind was spinning. He was scared due to reasons they couldn’t phantom and he was shaking heavily, shivers running over his spine continuously. He was also angry, confused, and downright at a loss.
Their attention had settled on him, he could feel it, and they obviously expected a story right here and now.
Loki could only think of one.
When he wanted to speak, his voice skipped, a pathetic sound resonating in the back of his throat. But nobody pressed him, nobody seemed to mind, and after he had swallowed a couple of times (the lump was far from gone, but the bile had stopped burning his throat) and he had bit back his tears to a point where they wouldn’t fall after the first word, he was able to begin his story, albeit it was with a cracked voice.
“I am familiar with the exchange of gift giving on this holiday. HYDRA did it too.” He paused to swallow and he took a deep breath to muster up some courage. “Three times they celebrated as well, involving me.”
“Three? It’s annually. You were there for five years,” Clint pointed out.
Loki flinched. From what he understood Clint more often spoke before he had thought about his words and its effects.
Natasha was there to save him from an explanation, though it scared him how she knew. “They keep their prisoners off balance by not conforming to the rhythms of night and day. Two days may pass, and a prisoner might think it’s been only half a day, never seeing daylight, never giving an indication of the time. If they’d done it every year, it would give an indication of time.”
“Correct.” Loki nodded, feeling, and sounding, ridiculously small. “The first time it was Christmas, they notified me in what I assumed was the morning. They promised me, in the spirits of this festivity, that I would get a gift at the end of the day if I…” His blind eyes went down to his lap and he tried to breathe. He hated this word, but there was no other way to describe it. “-behaved. They had promised me a hot shower as a gift, opposed to an icy hose down as usual.”
Loki could feel how he was the center of attention, their auras riddled with curiosity pressing down on him. It frightened him. Still, he pressed on. “And thus I did comply with their demands. I cannot remember what they did that day, or maybe I can. Maybe it’s a memory from another time. I know not.”
The words tumbled from his lips, and Loki found he was distancing himself from the story as if he hadn’t been the subject. It made his voice waver less, and the shaking began to diminish as well, but in exchange his voice had gone almost monotone, save for a hint of sadness.
“They were true to their word, and after they were done with-” He shook his head and didn’t elaborate. A faint memory of agony flashed through his mind, but it was only the feeling of pain which truly stuck.
“Eventually they took me to the tiled area. They warned me it could be cold at first, but it would change. Of course, the water hurt my eyes, the acid which they administered earlier, activating. But they hadn’t lied. The water got warmer, indeed, and for a moment it felt nice. Yet, it didn’t stop there, and soon the water had reached a boiling point which burned my skin.
“Extremely fast healing has its perks, but I had discovered far sooner that it also had its downside. In this case as well, especially since they were interested in the workings of it.”
He took a steading breath and he could hear Clint swear under his breath. Loki still had their full attention, but where their auras had been filled with mirthful curiosity, it had now turned to horrific curiosity.
“The second time they promised me food. By then I knew better from the previous time, but I also remember I had not been given anything to eat in quite some time. Meals were always erratic, but they had starved me quite effectively. I was hungry and it hampered with the shred of strength I had left. Thus I, foolishly, complied again.”
“Let me guess, you didn’t get any food?” Tony asked sourly, his voice betraying he probably didn’t want to hear the answer.
“Oh, I did. An entire buffet at that. If only the food hadn’t been poisoned and they wouldn’t let me leave until I had taken a bite of everything and they had done their so-called research.
“The third time-”
“No! Enough,” Bruce interrupted him. “I don’t want to hear it anymore.”
Slowly, Loki let out a shuddering breath and it was only now he discovered his fingers were dug deeply into the armrests of his chair. Memories swiveled in his mind, making him shiver on occasion.
“Is that why you don’t want the gifts?” Steve asked. “You fear there’s a catch?”
Loki couldn’t find his words anymore and resorted to a small nod instead to confirm.
Suddenly Bucky spoke up. “You’re lying.”
The acquisition had been so unexpected that Loki’s head snapped up to seek out Bucky’s form, a sudden anger enabling him to speak again. “Do you think I am still capable of lying?” he snidely asked.
Bucky’s answer was cold. “I think you are.”
Loki scoffed.
“And as an exchange, I want you to tell me a lie to prove my point,” Bucky said.
“If I tell you a lie now, you would know I am lying.”
“How about that game?” Tony mused, interrupting their conversation. “Two truths and a lie?”
“How do you know which one is the lie?” Bucky asked sourly.
“I might be able to assist with that,” J.A.R.V.I.S. interjected. “I would know if he’s lying.”
“Are you up for this, Loki?” Natasha asked, obviously concerned.
Loki couldn’t deny he wasn’t afraid, but he also desired to try it. Where this desire stemmed from, he knew not, but the anger still swiveled in a dark pit in his stomach. Or maybe it was curiosity. Just to see if he could regain a sliver of his former self. He didn’t question how J.A.R.V.I.S. would know he was lying - that was for another time.
He nodded his agreement and held his index finger up in the air. “One. Time passes differently in every realm. When the Bifrost opened I went back to Asgard for one day, whilst only one second passed here Midgard.”
The anger which still coursed through his veins smothered his anxiety greatly, but he couldn’t prevent himself from fidgeting with his free hand while he laid out his options.
Another finger was added to his raised hand, indicating the second option. “Two. I am not blind, I just alter my appearance to get your compassion, and gain what I need.
“Three.” Loki said, adding another finger to his count. “The story I just told is indeed a lie.” Then he added, “J.A.R.V.I.S., do not tell them.”
It was suddenly so silent, one could hear a pin drop. Their auras were riddled with shock, and Loki could hear them breath heavily.
“The latter is preposterous as you’re trying to refute it,” Bruce pointed out.
Stiffly, Loki inclined his head, but didn’t betray anything.
Then, without warning, a ruckus of discussion erupted, all the Humans talking at the same time, theories going back and forth.
Loki was well aware of the ramifications he would eventually face with what he had just done. And no matter from which angle one would look at it, he would have to explain two truths about which he had previously lied. The anger which had bolstered his courage was slowly eaten by his anxiety, and he was quickly beating himself up about why he had done this.
How could he have been so stupid to be lured into this trap?
Eventually the Humans settled, but they were divided on the matter. It was also very clear they were angry with him, and Loki couldn’t fault them for that.
“Which one is it?” Bruce asked, a strange mix of curiosity, weariness and disbelief in his aura.
“J.A.R.V.I.S.?” Loki prompted, wanting to know if the A.I. had picked up correctly.
“All three options were a lie, sir,” was the answer.
Loki nodded. “Correct.”
After a heartbeat of silence the Humans spoke up, once again, all at the same time, stating their disbelief.
“This wasn’t the point of the game! Why would you do that?” Tony exclaimed loudest.
Loki decided to just let them have their shouting match, wild conspiracies and accusations, whilst he tried to calm his nerves until he was given the opportunity to speak. Yet, when he got that opportunity, Bucky beat him to it with the correct conclusion. “Cause he wanted to test if he could.”
J.A.R.V.I.S. then decided to speak up. “And Loki’s story is true.”
The new discussion which erupted was less loud, but still intense. Yet, one person didn’t participate, and hadn’t done so before.
Loki focused on Bucky’s aura. It was hard to read; the man could hide his feelings extremely well. Apparently he noticed the attention, and said, “I knew you could do it.”
There was obvious gratification in the Shadow’s tone and then things fell into place.
Bucky had simply pushed a button and set something in motion that allowed Loki to prove himself to himself. Bucky never believed Loki had lied about the story, he just wanted Loki to lie and excel at it, simply to show him he was still able.
A gift which couldn’t be wrapped with a fancy ribbon.
***
After the dust had somewhat settled, Tony decided it was time to take a break. They would get back to unpacking gifts later.
Loki wasn’t opposed, and he wasn’t the only one who needed a breather.
Nicely enough, the common room had its own balcony. The few times he’d been in the room he had been propped into a corner or against a wall, never bothering to scout the layout or set a foot more into the space than needed.
But now he was out on the balcony, the wind biting as the weather was cold. Loki hardly felt it. He was leaning on the railing, staring at a night and city he couldn’t see.
He heard footsteps behind him, but didn’t bother to turn around or acknowledge the presence of the other. Granted, the situation wasn’t ideal because if someone had malicious intent they could push him off the balcony, but he figured they would rather let him die slowly and painfully than end him quickly.
And thus far they had had every opportunity to kill him, yet, none of these Humans had.
Maybe they truly weren’t part of HYDRA and were they Avengers as they claimed - whatever the rights and obligations were that came with that title.
The person took up residence next to him and greeted, “Hey.”
It was Clint.
An awkward silence settled between them. Loki was well aware that the other wanted to speak with him, or to him, but didn’t know where to start. Thus Loki decided to break the ice, even though he was reluctant to have a conversation. “You do not like your gift?”
“I- ah… It definitely wasn’t what I’d expected,” came the doubtful reply.
“Ungrateful much,” Loki said, using Clint’s earlier words. He could feel how the other’s aura flared with bluster, and Loki turned his head, a small smile on his lips and he winked.
The small chuckle that followed was more nervous relief than actual mirth. “It explained a lot though,” Clint said carefully.
“Undeniably,” Loki agreed.
“Was that why you told it? So you wouldn’t have to explain why you’ve been on edge all evening?”
“Perhaps,” Loki mused. “Perhaps I did to create an opportunity to depart from this obligation.” His blind eyes went back to the nightsky he couldn’t see. “I never have had trouble with telling a story, no matter how fastly wild. Whether it was truthful or a lie, no matter how many people were giving me their attention. However, when you asked and put me on the spot…” He trailed and shook his head again.
“Well, whatever your reason, you shocked us enough,” Clint said wryly. “And we’re reluctant to give you your other presents. Let alone that Bruce still wants to receive his story.”
Loki’s lips slightly curled and he chuckled - something from which he couldn’t remember when he had done it last. “I have more interesting and less harrowing stories, yet I cannot promise they are happy.”
“How come?” Clint asked seriously.
Loki fell silent, the nail of his thumb running over the pad of his index finger as he debated if he should answer. When he did, deciding to take another leap of faith, his tone was serious as well. “Because I cannot remember happy ones.”
“None at all?” Clint asked, perplexed. “I mean, my childhood memories are far from great, but at least I got a couple of happy ones.”
Loki turned to the other, his brows slightly furrowed and he slowly nodded. “I might have them, but I suspect they have been altered.”
“The fuck did they do to you?” Clint murmured, sorrow in his voice.
When Loki answered, he sounded dreamy and far away. “A lot of things you cannot even imagine or should desire to know.”
It was the first time Loki admitted out loud that which had befallen him wasn’t alright. It was the first time he dared to admit it to himself, and that notion, the fact that nobody deserved to be put through such torture as he had been put through, brought tears to his eyes.
Are you sure you did not deserve it? The snide voice in the back of his mind asked.
Clint was hovering next to him, obviously at a loss at what to do with the situation. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
Loki didn’t move, frozen to the spot as he tried to push the emotional pain and melancholy away. It was of no use. At the end of this conversation they were expected inside, back to their merry gift unwrapping.
Yet, he felt a little less frightened towards that prospect. Thus far the worst thing that had happened had come from himself, not these Humans. And after every leap of faith he had pushed himself to make, he hadn’t been disappointed with the outcome. Maybe they truly deserved the benefit of the doubt. And maybe all there was to the remainder of the evening was gift unwrapping. No pain, no punishment, no experiments, no torture. Just sharing mirth, an opportunity to eat and even have a conversation without devastating consequences.
If all that could be true, Loki didn’t even want the presents which were intended for him.
Had he truly no joyful memory of a festivity on Asgard? He remembered Thor and his friends laughing, smiles lighting their faces and eyes, but why did it feel like they were laughing at him, and not with him? Why did every shrap of a memory where someone showed mirth in his presence evoked a feeling of being mocked?
Thor who ridiculed him for his insufficient ability to fight.
A scolding from his father after he had shown something he was proud of.
The look of disappointment on his mother’s face after he had created a minor spell for the first time.
Discomfort akin to pain in his upper arm demanded attention and Loki pulled himself back to the present. He was shaking and discovered Clint had grabbed his arm, digging his fingers into his flesh a little too harsh.
“Hey, you with me?” Clint asked, sounding urgent and worried.
Loki roughly pulled his arm free of the grasp and with a raspy voice he said, “I am well.”
He could feel the superficial relief in Clint’s aura, but the other wasn’t reassured. And jokingly he said, “You really are a good liar.”
Loki forced a smile on his face. “So I have been told.”
“Let’s head back inside. I bet Tony’s eating himself up because he hasn’t opened a single present. Guy is as impatient as a child.”
“Is he even sober enough to notice?” Loki deadpanned, drawing a chuckle from Clint.
“He is.”
The remainder of the evening went by without much incident. All the Avengers (but mostly Bruce) had made clear that they well understood why Loki hated the festivity. Yet, they still asked him to trust them and assured him nothing bad was going to happen. But they also fully understood if he wanted to leave.
Loki had agreed to stay, taking another leap of faith. He wondered how many leaps of faith he could take before it would come back around.
At least he felt less anxious and he managed to eat something, albeit it wasn’t much.
He received some useful presents - some of which probably looked beautiful as well, judging by the patterns he could feel on the dagger’s handle he had gotten from Natasha.
They didn’t ask him to tell another story, and when the presents were unwrapped he even dared a small conversation with Steve.
Still, he left the festivity early (he wasn’t the only one as Bucky took the opportunity his departure created to leave as well) because he was tired. Definitely not a lie.
Now as he was thinking about the evening whilst lying on his bed, Loki found that it hadn't been that bad or displeasing. One might even say he had slightly enjoyed himself.
***
It was the day after Christmas and Loki had been reading the entire day. Yesterday he had been gifted another book by Tony and the topic was interesting enough to devour the words hours on end.
Contrary to the past weeks, today nobody had come to ask him if he needed anything. Bucky had come by twice to almost literally dump food on his table and leave again. He was obviously in a sour mood, and as far as Loki could pinpoint the auras of the other residents of the building, some of them were dealing with the aftereffects of the eggnog and punch.
Loki didn’t mind and time trickled by without him actually noticing.
“Loki, dinner is ready.” J.A.R.V.I.S. announced, breaking the silence.
Even though the Humans brought him his every meal, every so often J.A.R.V.I.S. alerted him when dinner was ready - a request for him to join the Avengers. Never once had he accepted the invitation, and out of habit was about to decline this one as well when he suddenly changed his mind.
Yesterday evening hadn’t been awful and maybe he should give it a try.
It wasn’t a celebration, but Loki didn’t feel like he could join looking like he did, and thus he magicked something more proper for the evening.
He was still nervous. What if yesterday's affair was vastly different from what was yet to come? What if he was mistaken and this leap of faith would come back around to him?
The elevator dinged, heralding his arrival at the destined floor, and taking a deep breath to muster some courage, Loki stepped out.
His arrival in the common room was immediately noticed and Clint said happily, “Look who’s here.”
“Don’t scare him away,” said Tony, trying for airily, but miserably failing as Loki caught the weariness in voice.
Doubtingly, he stood in the doorway. This had been a stupid idea. It wasn’t too late to turn around and run back to his cell.
“Loki, over here,” Clint beckoned him.
Now it was too late.
With a sigh to steady himself, Loki moved through the room until he had found the couch with the spot reserved for him. Tentatively he sat down, the fingers of his left hand fumbling with each other. He could smell the food and he knew exactly what he was going to receive as sustenance this evening. It was an old time favorite of these Humans, yet, Loki knew not why.
“Here.” Clint, who was sitting next to him, pushed a lukewarm box in his hands. “We’re having-”
“-pizza,” Loki finished for him, nodding. He dug a piece of the food out of its box and took a small bite. His appetite had faded the moment he had set foot into the room, but out of courtesy (and because he really needed sustenance) he ate.
He could feel how Bruce settled his attention on him and not soon thereafter he asked, “How did you know?”
Loki’s brows furrowed. Wasn’t it obvious? “I can smell it.”
“Yeah, how does that work?” Sam asked. “I’ve seen you walking around and training with Nat, you never walk into anything. How do you do that? The seeing without seeing? You’re still blind, right?”
Still nibbling on his slice of pizza, Loki thoughtfully nodded. How was he ever going to explain this to these non-magic users? And Humans on top of that! Did he even want to explain? It felt slightly intrusive. Yet, he could feel they were genuinely interested and not out to mock him.
“I ah-” he began, trying to find the right words. “I am able to detect your aura, therefore I know where you are. The same can be applied to inanimate objects.”
“So you can see us?” Clint asked.
Loki shook his head. “No, I am able to see your energy, not-”
“So my soul?”
“An interesting theory,” Loki replied, his interest piqued at the prospect of a philosophical conversation. “I do not know if it is your soul or just energy from your existence. Many have speculated about this question, yet none have come to a conclusion because nobody has ever seen a soul. Therefore-” he got interrupted, again, by Clint and he felt his eye twitch with irritation.
“So you have no clue what I look like?”
Thus far an intelligent conversation…
“Slightly,” he answered, irritated. “I am able to detect you are wearing fabrics and have two knives in your boots, yet, what color any of those are I know not.” He could feel Clint blanch and Loki dryly added, “I can also detect you are feeling shocked.”
“So you can basically read the energy of almost everything,” asked Steve, “and with that information you know where something or someone is, what it is or how they feel, and whatnot, on top of highly honed senses?”
Finally someone who understood it! “Yes,” Loki confirmed. “To an extent where I can hear an insect outside and am aware of every person inside this building and outside of it.”
This time it was Tony who blanched and he asked with a wavering voice, “Hear and feel everything?”
But Loki hardly heard him, his brows furrowing. When he had made the statement he could sense everything in and outside of the building, he had subconsciously done so, and he felt something in the air outside. Not a weather element, but the anticipated atmosphere of-
Suddenly, the windows around them shattered with an ear deafening sound. The air filled itself with sounds of more glass breaking, weapons firing, furniture crashing and people shouting. One voice - from whom Loki didn’t know it belonged to - could be heard over all the noise and it filled him to the brim with fear and hatred.
Could you make a Loki x Tony fanfic please? Preferably with Loki dominating. Thank you!
Hi anon, sorry to disappoint, but I kinda stopped writing. Like, I hope not forever, but I haven't written in ages and I don't know when and if I'll get back to it. Sorry...
Could you make a Loki x Female Reader fanfic where Loki and the reader are in a relationship, and one night, he decides to use his magic to make multiple Loki's, and they all have sex?
Hi anon, sorry to disappoint, but I kinda stopped writing. Like, I hope not forever, but I haven't written in ages and I don't know when and if I'll get back to it. Sorry...
Just finished watching Ragnarok season 2 and let me tell you, that was right in the feels!
Laurits saying he thinks he's a freak just broke my heart. He was so lost this season and I totally felt that in my bones. I can so much relate to it and I just screamed at the television he's not a freak and he's not alone. If only he knew...
Loki, God of Mischief, Lies, Trickery, and misfits.
