Femme Fatale Playbook: How To Cultivate Self-Regard (In Every Area Of Life)
How to live with self-respect in every aspect of life. Here's your ultimate guide to living in your divine/dark feminine energy.
Living with self-regard (or self-respect) means understanding that you cannot pour from an empty cup and the importance of making yourself your #1 priority. Feeling your best also has a domino effect. You become a better friend, boss, sibling, parent, child, lover, etc. when you feel comfortable with yourself and content in your own skin. Of course, some of these practices will apply to more than one area of life (ex. Sleep improves your physical and mental health and a good night’s rest can also be considered an act of self-care), but these principles/examples are divided up to streamline these tips. Enjoy xx
Self-Care/Self-Development
Mental Health/Emotional Well-Being
Sexual Health/Sexuality & Sensuality
Relationships (All Types - Friends, Family, Work, Intimate)
Discover what you love: Find the subject matters, industries, and a way of adding value that lights you up inside. Take a job or get creative in your methodology to make this area of interest into your career.
Set clear goals: Do I want to work at a particular company? What position/title? Do I want to go out on my own – who are my dream clients, work volume, lifestyle, business structure, income? Write all these details down and strategize small, practical daily tasks/habits to reach your goal.
Build an indispensable skillset: Research, case-building, copywriting, strategic planning, computer programming, sales, data analytics, etc. Learn transferable skills to guarantee you'll always have something valuable to bring to the table in our ever-changing world/work culture. Start with one and accumulate more as you work towards self-mastery.
Know your worth: Negotiate – your salary, rates, workday structure, corporate benefits, PTO, etc. Never let someone have you begging for breadcrumbs or the bare minimum.
Speak up (when necessary): Communicate – clearly, directly, and assertively. Don't let someone walk all over you. Finish your sentences with certainty even if someone tries to interrupt you while you're speaking. Advocate for yourself, whether you're trying to secure a promotion, a new project, a proposed solution for a client, or taking a necessary break. Also, know when it's in your best interest to stay silent. Ensure your integrity remains intact. The truth of a matter speaks volumes.
Organize your day (Prioritize!): Set yourself up to win by outlining your priorities first before others' tasks and projects consume your mind and calendar. List your top 3 to-dos for the day that are non-negotiables for you and will inch you closer to your goals. I recommend the Productivity Planner for daily use.
Keep records: Have email records and call notes regarding every interaction and decision written down. This practice enables you to stand your ground when necessary and saves you a lot of trouble.
Set boundaries: Proudly affirm your 'no' to a project, any disrespectful comment, or too many nights of overtime work. Schedule and stick to your breaks and the time you clock out (within reason, of course). Never allow a company or endeavor to run you into the ground at the expense of your mental or physical health.
Make connections: Cultivating a network of mentors, colleagues, and peers in the same or adjacent fields is priceless. These connections can lead to new opportunities, provide a healthy and productive space to explore ideas, or generally vent and exchange advice. Strike up that conversation at lunch or an event. Follow up with a LinkedIn request or thoughtful email. You never know what this conversation might lead to and the opportunities it can bring.
Self-Care/Self-Development:
Create daily/weekly rituals: Establish ones that add a little joy and streamline your day. These habits can range from a 10-minute yoga or meditation session every morning, to practicing morning pages or a daily shadow work prompt, reading 10 pages daily, getting your steps in, and planning your tasks, lunch, and outfit for the next day the night before to creating a weekly house-cleaning schedule or meal planning. Discover systems that allow you to put yourself first and set you up to win the day.
Find ways to feel beautiful: Create luscious skincare, shower, and hair/makeup/nail routines that make you feel like a queen. Invest in well-fitting, high-quality wardrobe staples. Make your favorite cup of coffee or tea daily. Keep your signature scent on hand. Exfoliate. Invest in matching pajama sets.
Indulge all of your senses: Light a candle. Put on a moody playlist to relax, focus, unwind, or turn you on – any melody that suits the occasion and gets you in the zone. Take a bubble bath or do a face mask. Relish in a warm beverage or a healthful, comforting meal. Use silk pillowcases, hair ties, and bed sheets. Pamper yourself with small everyday luxuries.
Expand your knowledge: Make it a priority to read a few articles and 10 pages of a book daily. Being educated on different topics and the world provides you with personal fulfillment and enables you to enter into a wider pool of conversations. This practice also strengthens your mind, sharpens focus, and helps your brain relax.
Explore your interests: Learn what subjects and activities light you up inside. Whether it's painting, dancing, tennis, spin classes, learning about ancient world history, politics, fashion, science, etc. Take time to study and practice in these areas of interest.
Embrace your creative side: Write, read, draw, create a mood board, explore Pinterest or Tumblr, style outfits, organize a section of your room, cook a new recipe, make a playlist – any fun activity that ignites creativity.
Plan dates for yourself: Take yourself out for coffee, lunch, a shopping date, or even a mini vacation. You deserve to enjoy experiences and derive pleasure from enjoying these life moments without worrying about anyone but yourself.
Remember to rest: Getting 7-8 hours of sleep nightly and taking breaks is essential for productivity and overall well-being. Never feel guilty for allowing your body and mind to recover. Neglecting rest only backfires if you're playing the long-term game.
Know your income/expense ratio: Ensure you know exactly how much money is coming in and going out every month. Create a personal balance sheet to audit your financial well-being.
Track everything: Keep a record of every stream of income and where every dollar is going – expenses, savings, estimated taxes, investments, charity, etc.
Have a set emergency fund: Between 3-12 months of expenses should be ready in a high-yield savings account at all times. If you have a family or are self-employed, aim for 6-12 months of necessary savings to stay sane. Saving this amount of money takes time. Be patient, and cut back on frivolous expenses if needed for the short term. It's an act of self-care.
Invest (especially in a Roth IRA or backdoor Roth IRA): Set one up through Vanguard or Fidelity ASAP if you have not already. Don't underestimate the importance of compound interest on your financial future and security.
Automatically pay yourself first: Automate a portion of your paycheck to savings and your investments, so you never see this money. Pay yourself first before spending (on anything but necessities).
Always max out your 401K employer-matching: Make sure you know what percentage your employer will match and always meet this investment requirement. Do yourself the favor. It's literally free money.
Only spend on your essentials & what you actually enjoy: Invest in pleasurable items and activities strategically. Only spend on additional experiences and products that add value to your life. Cut unfulfilling expenses.
Read about personal finance/speak with your brokerage firm: Take time to read about these topics and learn everything your parents didn't teach you or were not taught at school. Use licensed professionals (CPAs, brokerage firms, etc.) as a resource, too, for your personal goals.
Use savings plug-ins/discount codes
Cook/eat healthy meals: At least 80% of the time. Focus on eating whole foods and a (mainly) plant-based diet. I've been vegan for 10 years and it's done wonders for my body, skin, and mental clarity.
Drink plenty of water daily: Set a target of ounces = to your weight in pounds. Incorporate lemon, lime, orange wedges, or frozen berries if necessary to keep this habit interesting.
Find workouts you love: Whether that's low-impact like pilates, yoga, walking or dance classes, spin classes, weight-lifting, etc. The best exercise routine is the one you can gladly maintain.
Make daily movement a priority: At least 15-30 minutes daily. I aim for 10-12K steps at least 5 days a week.
Limit processed foods, alcohol, cigarettes
Step outside: Get at least 10 minutes of sun daily, weather permitting. Always wear sunscreen.
Sleep Well: Aim for 7-8 hours (Create a sleep hygiene routine!)
Maintain proper hygiene: Shower daily, moisturize, wash your hair on your necessary schedule, brush your body from head to toe, etc.
Do pelvic floor exercises: It does wonders for your bladder and helps to satisfy your libidinal energy.
Go to your annual appointments: Primary doctor/Obgyn/Dentist/Dermatologist
Mental Health/Emotional Well-Being:
Meditate: Some of my favorite ones are linked HERE (for anxiety), HERE, (focus/productivity), and HERE (feminine/sexual energy).
Journal: Do a daily shadow work prompt, gratitude journal exercise, or practice morning pages (stream of consciousness journaling for 3 pages every morning).
Read: 10 pages of a self-development/psychology book, at least 3-5 articles, or a chapter of a fiction or non-fiction book. Daily.
Take breaks: A 10-minute walk, a real lunch break, listening to music, making coffee. Something pleasurable to recenter your focus and energy.
Discover movement you love: Walking and dancing are your best friends.
Keep your space clean: Wipe off all surfaces and put things away daily. Keep your desk organized. Clean and put away the dishes before bed. Stick to a house cleaning schedule.
Make to-do/bullet-point lists: For every area of life – work, chores, groceries, other items you need, wishlists, activities, and hobbies you want to pursue
Schedule and plan out your week: House cleaning, laundry, work project management, email time blocking, appointments, beauty routines, workouts, etc.
Create non-negotiables: Sleep, daily walks, a healthy dinner, your skincare routine, a 15-minute shower – whatever must-do rituals you need to look and feel your best every day.
Connect with your inner circle: Make a deliberate effort to stay in touch and catch up with those who are loyal and have your best interest at heart. Make time to chat on the phone, send a text, or better yet –get coffee, lunch, drinks, or dinner weekly with at least one person who you know makes your life richer in some type of way.
Put restrictions on social media/screen time: Use your settings to limit your time on certain apps (Instagram, Twitter, Tik Tok, Facebook, etc.). I set mine for 2 hours a day. Stop checking email right before bed and first thing in the morning (at least try really hard not to –I'm so guilty of this one!).
Give freely: Be generous with those who you love, mentors, and mentees. Everyone appreciates when you put a little effort into giving someone a small thoughtful gift, doing a kind gesture, or lending an ear. It makes you feel good and can make someone's day, week, month, or year.
Set boundaries: Take time for yourself – to recharge, indulge in solo activities, have some fresh air, breathe, or sit in silence. Give freely with no expectations, but never overextend yourself. When seeking to know whether you're striking the right balance between giving and gatekeeping your energy ask yourself: Am I being kind, or do I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself when engaging with this person/attending this event? Be honest with yourself. Listen to and follow your initial gut reaction.
Go to therapy: If you can afford it, weekly (or bi-weekly, monthly) sessions are a game-changer for self-discovery, emotional regulation, and general happiness/life fulfillment.
Sexual Health/Sexuality & Sensuality:
Let go of shame: Internalize your right to pleasure. Claim ownership over this aspect of your life. It gives you confidence in and outside of the bedroom, so you move through the world with a magnetic aura and powerfully feminine energy.
Own your sexuality and preferences: Embrace who and what you're attracted to. This principle extends from your sexual orientation to your libido, turn-ons (fantasies, adult content, steamy memories, etc.), preferred positions, kinks, and devices. Sexuality and arousal are so personal. Allow yourself to be free of stigmas for the things you do in private. No one needs to know how you derive pleasure behind closed doors (unless it's a partner who's involved, of course).
Make time for self-pleasure and exploration (at least weekly): Understanding that you're in control of your own pleasure is empowering. Learning what you like is essential for sexual gratification – whether you're alone or sharing the experience with a partner.
Allow the mind-body connection to be your friend, not your enemy: Sex starts in the mind, so this point is important for climaxing. Get out of your head and into your body. Learning to enjoy your own body is a sign of self-respect.
Keep everything clean & hygienic: Only wash inside with water (no steaming!), clean any toys, and use protection. Safety and self-regard go hand-in-hand.
Find products & habits that make you feel beautiful: Invest in lingerie, sheets, perfume, body lotions, candles, wine, etc. that make you feel confident while in the mood.
Engage in playful & creative activities: Don't be shy about (safe and consensual) experimentation (I'll leave this to your imagination) and activities to build up tension, like a romantic dinner or a dancing session beforehand to make this area of your life more exciting and fulfilling.
Communicate expectations: Clearly and often with any individual in your life. Listen and respond. Don't react. Validate emotions when necessary. If someone cannot do the same, understand that it's almost always a sign of projection. Remain calm and confident in yourself. Always command and show up to others with the highest level of respect.
Have empathy, but not at your own expense: Live with respect and consideration for others, but remember your life is for YOU. Beware of guilt-trippers. Don't take the bait.
Set boundaries: Uphold them unapologetically. Seek to understand others' needs and boundaries, so you can be considerate of their needs too. Empathy and kindness come from a place of self-respect. They are not the same people-pleasing.
Be generous (but don’t overextend yourself): See above in the mental health section.
Be true to yourself: Authenticity is essential to personal fulfillment. Live in your uniqueness. Remember: trying to be someone else doesn't work, she's already taken. You have so much value to offer this world. Let your queen energy shine through. Live your truth. Remain self-assured. Be unapologetically you.
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