Hey yall. It’s been a while. Nothing much has really changed honestly. Only big thing is i changed jobs. I survey now, hardware store employee to walking around peoples land all day. It suits me better. I still struggle with motivation to give a shit to be honest though. As with all jobs some times it’s hate sometimes it’s love. I’m working on it.. the most recent thing is i figured out my grandma died Tuesday morning.
Last year i crashed my mustang i was left in a panic. No money. No car. And no way to work other than burdening everyone around me. A couple weeks of it all and everyone was tired of giving me rides and honestly i hadn’t looked much at all for a new car myself. I was terrified, how am i supposed to pay for anything with no money and no credit score. Just a below average young American man struggling with no real path to choose. I love my mom, i really do, but she tried helping and just put an even bigger weight on my shoulders. She loomed over me pressuring me to fix a free junker car that was rusting to pieces. Trying to force me to sell the mustang too. It all made it so much worse.
I never have been super close to many people in my life. From a young age I’ve dealt with neglect and abuse. It’s no pity party. It’s made me a strong person now but it’s not a good thing either. I’ve watched countless people walk out of my life in many ways and everytime I’m stuck with a burning regret. Why didn’t i ever do more with them. I was in the same class as my cousin and sadly had to watch him die of cancer at 24. My older brother died at 19, i was too young to understand and maybe my mom had a hand in it but he was on my dad’s side of the family. We all know how that goes. But i had so many memories with him. They both still make me sad. But it is what it is. The older i get the more aware i am as expected. My grandma passing hurts. She’s the one that helped me out of my most recent blunder. She’s my grandma from my stepdads side so she hasn’t always been around but she was the type of grandma that made it feel like she has been. The day i bought her car from her i told her I’d take her on a ride in it and promised I’d see her more. I deeply regret that i never did. My mom even reminded me to go see her a couple weeks ago. I feel like the biggest piece of shit. But i know she would tell that it’s alright. It just doesn’t feel alright.
Her funeral is this Saturday. I’m scared. The last one I went to was my older brothers. I even skipped out on going to my cousins because i was terrified. I regret that. I don’t want to regret missing this one. But my heart hurts so deeply.
It’s just one of those hard life things. It’ll never get easier.
Thank you all for taking the time to read my bs
