Here is the secret. Here is the secret I never told anyone. Not any of those scientists or priests or reporters. Not my lawyer or that coroner whose testimony probably saved my life.
I spent decades butchering and selling clown meat, so I knew without a doubt that dead clowns are in fact very easy to distinguish from human corpses. Oh they look the same all right, but any clown butcher worth their salt can tell you the unique thing about clown meat–the reason that clown meat is so much easier to clean and cut and dress than any other type of animal flesh. It’s all about texture. Once you drain the blood and let the meat dry out–clowns have the same texture as mushrooms. Hand to God!
What you do is, you drain the Clown and you let it hang there a few days. Then you come back and you can literally tear the meat apart with your hands. Takes almost zero effort. No blood or splinters or anything–it’s literally like pulling apart a giant mushroom, has that weird foamy crumbly consistency. I have no damn idea why these fancy scientist doctor medical types weren’t aware of this, but any clown hobby hunter could tell you. One of the major benefits of owning a clown meat delicatessen was that I could cut an entire carcass into steaks with just a pair of kitchen scissors. Minimal cleanup, requires hardly any grip strength, it’s basically like cutting through packaging foam.
But that’s not the secret. That’s information you need to know, but the secret itself is something I personally discovered, and proceeded to use to my advantage. To clarify I don’t consider myself a villain so much as a capitalist, a small business owner if you will. I certainly don’t consider myself a scientist. So when I discovered THE HORRIBLE SECRET ORIGINS OF CLOWNS--I didn’t actually feel the need to tell anyone. Especially because I figured it wouldn’t be good for business.
Because the truth is–CLOWNS ARE A TYPE OF CORDYCEPS. What we refer to as Clowns are merely the unfortunate infected hosts of a powerful parasite fungi.
Clowns didn’t evolve from Humans–they were humans.
Or at least their ancestors were. I assume the fungus gets passed down from mother to child, possibly in the womb, so arguably all living generations of clowns were born clowns. Or not. Again, I am a deli owner, not a biologist.
(This could also explain their bizarre behaviors, stunted neurology, and shortened life spans. Again, not a biologist.)
How can I be sure of this? What gives me the right to claim these things? Because I’m the one who figured out how it works. I’m the one who identified the fungus. I’m the one who figured out how to spread the spores. I’m the one who figured out that normal humans could be infected, and I’m the one who realized (after a few of my messier experiments went awry) the host didn’t even have to be alive for the change to take effect. That’s right–it worked on human corpses. Do you understand? Do you understand the incredible magnitude of what I am saying? Do you understand how this TRANSFORMS THE ENTIRE CLOWN MEAT INDUSTRY AS WE KNOW IT??? How this completely erases the limits of clown supply and demand? Do you even care???
The charges were wrong. Yes, I stole those bodies from the graveyard. But I didn’t lie about the clown meat–the meat I sold was Real Clown. They weren’t clowns while they were alive but i made them clowns. Oh, they were people’s aunts and uncles and grandmas and neighbors all right, I don’t deny that. But at the end of the day they were clowns, pure clowns, clowns like any other. Because I. Made. Them. So. Clowns, clowns, clowns all around, clowns they abound, and all by my will! I, ringleader and circus master both!!! I, mastermind of the greatest Clown Caper, the most tragic Harlequin’s Heist, the most macabre Fooling of Fools, the most repugnant Joker’s Jest!!!!!! I may be a graverobber. but don’t you dare insinuate I mislabel my meats. For it was clowns!
IT WAS CLOWNS ALL ALONG!!!!!!
And that, dear reader, is the end of my tale. In closing, please enjoy this artist’s rendition of the fungus i used to infect my stolen corpses.
extrapolate what you will. May your nights be full of sweetest dreams!
tip me this took 4 hours to write
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