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@theborderline
december 2022 - right before umrah. best body check ive ever done. i watch this video like every day. i just cant believe that's my body. i still have those pants; they fit so tightly now. i cant believe i was ever that skinny, but now i want it back.
i know it's not that skinny, but it's the skinniest ive ever been.
'i'm so ugly.' ok but what ab my love for chemistry? what ab my love for writing? what ab my love for the piano? what ab my desire to make an impact on the world? what ab when i show up for myself and study even when i dont feel like it? what ab my childhood cat? what ab my weird relationship with religion? what ab my inability to stop laughing when someone makes a joke? what ab the way i dream of taking my mother to new zealand one day? what ab my fucked up relationship with my dad? what ab my naruto tumblr acc from when i was 13? what ab my genshin phase? what ab the way i live?
feeling scuffed is temporary and meaningless. the grind for self-improvement is constant, even when you don't feel good.
pretty girls get everything.
you're not at your full potential. lose the weight. continue. consistency.
losing weight is easy.
losing weight won't take much time at all.
you have your whole life.
you are so close to your dream body.
do you really want to go your whole life without ever feeling that unwavering confidence?
breathe. this is nothing.
dude. I'M SO FUCKING FAT.
WHEN ON PERIOD:
do not crash out
your feelings are NOT valid
do not send that text
don't kill yourself. lock in
do not act on negative emotions until at least 2 days have elapsed
my all-time highest weight is 70.5kg. that's INSANE. that's a full 14kg heavier than my all-time lowest. new phase of fat loss now though.
i'm focused on physical activity and body recomposition, as well as weight loss.
my starting weight as of 19 may '25 is 66.5kg.
my goal this week is to hit 65kg.
good luck. trust yourself. take your time.
i'm like the fattest thing that has ever walked the earth lmaoooo
that boy thinks you're dumb. that boy thinks you're fat. that boy thinks you have nothing else going for you. that boy thinks you're desperate.
Someone asking me for my hobbies is so humiliating.... I like to play and have fun. I like to smile and draw. I like putting words in an order. Sometimes I laugh and grin.
i cant live like this anymore.
i am fucking suicidal. again. NO FUCKING EXCUSES. gym, dance, diet etc. find your style too.
I'M BACK! spm is almost over, just one paper left. i've started watching my meals, and exercising more. i forgot how hard it was to stay under deficit. strategy right now is just to drink a shit ton of water, non-gym exercise, and eat twice a day only. 75 hard?
at this point, i literally don't care. you are pushing 70kg. 2022 you would sob. i would sob. starve, bitch.
if i'm honest, my body has rarely ever been a deterrent in my life. it's just always been present in my mind. i want so badly to kill myself. this body is ripping me apart. i eat so. fucking. much. i don't know how to distract myself. i don't know how to be okay with it. i'm losing my mind every fucking day, and i can't deal with it anymore. all i want, all i NEED, is to be skinnier. i just have to keep doing what i've always done to lose weight: calorie deficit and physical exercise. exercise is hard now, and i eat all the fucking time. i feel like throwing up. learn to say no when you don't want to eat. learn to do things other than eat. feel yourself empty. watch yourself shrink. kill yourself skinny. i want to be alive. i want to be loved. my rationality tells me i'm stupid for thinking i can't have those without a tiny body, but my body is the one telling me i need to change. i'll listen to my body.
i've been making myself throw up multiple times a week now.
