Cakewolf Horror Blog

Here @ Cakewolf.com we talk about horror and play RPGs. Horror is sweet!

[thecakewolfuniverse]

#WraithTheOblivion (One-Shot): When Lorna enters the #WorldofDarkness after eating some bad tuna fish, and finds herself in a haunted gas-station bathroom 👻 check it here: https://tinyurl.com/y8x2oxvq 👻 https://www.instagram.com/p/BorevnSl1LY/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=gsseaaci6tfp

[thecakewolfuniverse]

‪This special one-shot actual play of #WraithTheOblivion is the weirdest #WorldofDarkness #Horror podcast I’ve ever recorded, check it here: https://tinyurl.com/y7ppgoqw Two elderly serial killers fight to save the fishing hole they love...👻🐟‬ https://www.instagram.com/p/BojQ-vSlrYp/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=jmxo6irxxxwk

[thecakewolfuniverse]

‪Wow! It’s Mono’Ph'nglui’Oly! Just like my Great Old Ones used to play! Remember kids, all hail #Cthulhu! ‬ https://www.instagram.com/p/BoPvk1PF5TS/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1nshff0jih6xc

[thecakewolfuniverse]

Until Dawn: PS4 (2015) Review

by Matthew Fishgold

Until Dawn (2015) is a great entry for anyone interested in horror gaming. Whether you’ve never played a game before, or you’re a well-seasoned gamer, Until Dawn is an excellent pick-up and play video game.

Playing out just like a horror movie, Until Dawn is a very story driven and cinematic experience that’s complete with a full cast of mostly familiar television actors and one very badass Peter Stormare (American Gods).

Also included in the cast is the beautiful Hayden Panettiere (Heroes), Brett Dalton (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D), Rami Malek (Mr. Robot), and Nichole Bloom (Teen Wolf).

You’ll take these characters and more (a total of 8 teen playable characters) through a traditional horror movie setting, complete with all the familiar tropes and horror film logic. So if you’re a fan of horror movies, get ready, because this game tests your knowledge. 

Are you one of those people who yells at the screen and thinks you could do better in a horror setting? Then this game is a must play. The story is excellent and allows you to change its course throughout your playthrough. Even if you die with one character, the game continues, altering the branching narrative based on your decisions or failings throughout.

Gameplay mostly follows the traditional formula of modern day point and click adventure games that Telltale Games has modernized with titles like The Walking Dead: The Telltale Series. I really like this current standard for the adventure game genre that allows you to navigate the avatar in third person view throughout the environment, interacting with objects and characters more organically than the old school mouse cursor.

Control options are set up with the more traditional style, and the option of playing with more modern motion controls that involve tilting the controller for movement. Some people find motion controls more immersive, (I do not) I’d suggest trying each out and discovering which one makes you feel more immersed.

Action-oriented sequences mostly play out through timed button prompts, however, there are some moments where you’ll be treated to a type of fixed rail shooting scenario. Though these elements are relatively simple, especially for the seasoned gamer, all of these sections engage you with incredible tension that makes it much harder, especially through a first playthrough. Because story does such a good job with making you care about the characters and their motives, and with the stakes being so high, it’s easy to make mistakes. If you character dies, they’re gone for that playthrough, there’s absolutely no initial re-do due to the constant auto-save feature, which only adds to my personal appeal for this game. Like a true horror movie, there are stakes, and they are fucking high.

Although you can’t go back and redo a moment that got one of your favorite characters killed because of a choice you made, or a failed timed response, the game does eventually allow you to change those events in your favor. Once you’ve completed the game once, you can replay any moment in the storyline and discover how that changes the ending. This cool feature is also helpful when collecting the hidden objects in the game that unlock a special prologue to the game that reminds me of a very fucked up Unsolved Mysteries episode.

The story’s setup is incredibly smart, segmented into several narratives before culminating to a whole, the tale begins with a look into the past. As is standard fare with horror movies, we visit our future cast at an earlier time when they rented a secluded cabin in the woods and some of them played a cruel trick on a friend that was a bit of an outsider to the group. It’s the dead of winter and their odd ball friend Hannah is looking to warm up with the hunky Mike. But, as you could guess, Hannah doesn’t get her bump and grind on as she’d like to, and instead ends up running outside like a loon and getting herself in even worse trouble that paves the way for our story’s anniversary reunion tale, setting the true horror of this story in motion. Not wanting to give anything away, you’re going to be surprised by the outcome, it’s a perfect twist that’s totally unexpected. Along the way however, you’ll be treated to a lot of terrors. Including a creepy seance, slasher chase scenes, cannibalism, torture sequences, a Russian roulette esque ‘game’, and so much more. It’s like they mashed in every possible typical horror story arc just satisfy every itch, and it all works together so damn well. I tip my hat to this incredible story.

Graphics are absolutely gorgeous, in both the details of the environments and the game's characters, the realism is top-notch. Especially during an amazing hallucination sequence taking place late-game that involves a very horrifying pig head.

As you can tell, I love this game. In my opinion, it’s absolutely perfect and I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Well, maybe one thing. Unfortunately, this is a PlayStation Exclusive that’s currently only available for the PS4. If I could change one thing about this game, I’d make it available on PC, so a wider audience could enjoy it. But, if you have a PS4 and you like horror movies, there’s really no reason you shouldn’t pick this game right up. It’s been out for some time now, so you can pick it up relatively cheap. I picked up my copy at GameStop.

[thecakewolfuniverse]

Review: Illbleed for Sega Dreamcast (2001)

by Matthew Fishgold

Imagine being a five-year-old kid and waking up from a nightmare. You jump out of bed, your blanket in tow, as your feet pitter patter towards your mother and father. Fear is your motivator, pushing you beyond the ability to scream. You weren’t grabbed by The Thing Under Your Bed, you made it passed The Creature in The Closet, and your parents’ room is just ahead. Then, suddenly, you’ve made it! You throw open the bedroom door, reach out toward their bed, and prepare to leap under the sheets. Instead, you’re greeted by a towering drooling monster. Behind the beast, your mother lays in bed... or rather, pieces of her. Grabbing you by the throat, The Monster levels your eyes with its own. It smiles a bloody grin and says, “Gotcha.”

Illbleed (2001) is a sick and twisted horror game, a retro hayride to hell, and a bloody good time.

Our game follows Eiko Christy, a teenage purple-haired gal who’s aspiring to study child psychology, and for good reason. Testing his horrifying gags on his own daughter, our protagonist's father raised his family on the success of his traveling haunted house. Over time, it became increasingly difficult to scare his daughter, pushing him to more desperate and dangerous methods.

By the time she was six-years-old, Eiko’s mother had enough. She divorced her husband and raised Eiko on her own. After the divorce, Eiko’s father was never heard from again…

After a brief introduction to our main character, we catch up with Eiko’s high school friends: Kevin, Michel, and Randy. They decide to go to a new local horror theme park. Apparently, you can win a lot of money buy surviving its frights. But, after they go missing, Eiko takes it upon herself to find out what happened to them.

This is where the meat of our game commences, and it’s a bit of a bumpy ride for awhile. Unlike today’s modern gameplay techniques, Illbleed wants you to stumble. This game is Kong before Pong, focusing more on the story than solidifying the gameplay. There’s no golden path to rely on for navigation, there are no mission objectives held within the HUD, it's as if you were in a real horror movie, where all you can rely upon is your own intuition. That’s what Illbleed is, an interactive series of horror movies, each of them hoping to kill you in countless ways.

Segmented into six unique theaters/levels, each playing horror movie amalgamations that fans of the genre can geek over, Eiko’s goal is simple, survive the films. Eiko can enter these theaters through the theme park itself that acts as the main hub. Before each movie starts, you’re given a sort of trailer that acts as the premise of the film. Each intro providing several clues to assist you in surviving the horror movie rewards close attention.

These are the theaters and their respective films:

Minnesota Hell Cinema: Homerun of Death

This level is what happens when you combine The Burning with The Shining and pepper it with a little bit of Field of Dreams.

Cinepanic: The Revenge of Queen Worm

Tremors meets Basic Instinct.

Boogie’s Fun Movies: Woodpuppets

A terrifying Body Snatcher story with a memorable Texas Chainsaw Massacre scenario.

Shock it to me Theater: Killer Department Store

This is an incredible level with homages to Chopping Mall, Child’s Play, and Dead Heat.

Hall of Resentment: Killerman

Embodies a ton of slasher themes, giving nods to a lot of the greats.

Child Palace: Toyhunter

This one is by far the most bizarre. You play as a parody of Woody from Toy Story and have to murder a little boy so you can go to Toy Hell and save your sex doll... no, I’m not kidding.

Health, Blood, Heartbeat, Adrenaline, Sight, Hearing, Smell, and Sixth Sense all act as your managing system of staying the fuck alive. At first sight, this will all seem very intimidating and exhausting. Over time you will find your own rhythm in balancing all that shit, but it won’t come without plenty of dedication and even more death.

Most of the gameplay while inside of the horror movies is a stab in the dark. When you first jump into a movie, you’ll want to find yourself a horror monitor. The horror monitor helps you spot things that you normally wouldn’t see coming, specifically, the jump scares.

Sometimes, when your health and adrenaline are low and you’re unable to use your horror monitor, you’ll be trying to navigate carefully through the level, hoping to God that you find a save point. It’ll feel like you’re running naked and blindfolded through a room littered with rapists and rabbits.

Personally, I loved the jump scares. There’s a little something for everyone with them, including gore spewing bread rolls, projectile cutlery, and ghostly hands that reach out from a toilet to strangle you.

As far as the graphics go, this was a 2001 release for the Sega Dreamcast, so the graphics are as horrifying as the game’s story itself. But if you’re an old fart like me, the graphics will just make you feel like a kid again.

Illbleed’s story needs a film adaptation, it’s a thrilling experience that must be had for any fan of the genre. If you’re going to play this game, make sure you play through it a second time too. It’s only at the end of a new game plus where you’ll be treated with the true ending and the truth behind the amusement park.

Also, don’t save any of your friends the second time around, if you don’t, not only will you get the final ending, but Eiko will also be naked for it. How many games let you fight the final boss in the buff? (Cakebitch editor’s note: Fucking hell, the rampant sexist bullshit.) Fuck, this game is amazing.

[thecakewolfuniverse]

‪Enjoy the sweetness of #KillerKlowns with this #HorrorMovie themed #Horror #cocktail! 🤡‬

[thecakewolfuniverse]

Splatterhouse: Wanpaku Graffiti: Famicom (1989) Review

by Matthew Fishgold

One of my favorite video game series of all time is the Splatterhouse series. As a kid, I only had access to rented copies of Splatterhouse 2 (1992) for the Sega Genesis and, although the game scared me, I could never give up the ride it put me on, no matter the nightmares. 

Now that I’m older and the world of media is right at my fingertips, I’m #blessed with the opportunity to play the others in this franchise. There really is no better time to be a gamer than today!

The caveat I’d throw at anyone interested in the franchise is this, most Splatterhouse games feel stiff and restrictive with the generic clunky physics that are common in a lot of beat em ups (ex: Golden Axe (1989), Sega Genesis). Most of my friends weren’t into Sega games, complaining that beyond Sonic, Sega was shit. They were blind and spoiled with the excellence of games like Super Mario World and Donkey Kong Country, and it was pretty rare for kids to be exposed to games of that caliber on the Sega. Where I grew up, stores carried mostly the most popular titles, so masterpieces like Castlevania Bloodlines (1994, Sega Genesis), and Mega Turrican (1994, Sega Genesis) slipped under the snobby gamers’ radar.

As a dumb kid, I was looking for Splatterhouse 1 for the Sega Genesis. Then the Internet happened and I found out that the first Splatterhouse was originally a 1988 Japanese arcade game that made it over to the states in 1989 when Namco licensed it over to Atari Games, but the one hundred cabinets were recalled due to American censorship BS. 

Then a North American re-release happened in 1990 on the Turbografx-16, a system I never even knew existed as a Sega VS Nintendo kid. Today, you can find the arcade game as a hidden extra in the Xbox 360/PS3 remake, or even on your smartphone and none of these are the watered down gore-free censored version that you’ll find on the Turbo. The game did have an earlier, more faithful release (1992), but it was specifically on a Japan console called the FM Towns (good luck finding a working console of that finicky fucker).

Years later, the magic of emulators and roms happened, and after downloading hundreds of random games, I came across a very strange iteration of the franchise, Splatterhouse: Wanpaku Graffiti for the Famicom (1989). 

Yep, a Nintendo game (for all intents and purposes), and my God is this game fucking polished. If the clunk of the other titles turns you off, this game has the best of both worlds!

The game starts off with a chibi sprite of a girl who’s crying at one of three graves. Suddenly, lightning strikes the grave she’s weeping on and our hero arises from the grave! Unfortunately, lightning hits another one of the graves and... a flying pumpkin comes out and steals the girl away... but you were buried with a meat cleaver! So you set out on your journey of 8-bit murder to save the girl, and boy is it fun.

This game is like a mix between Friday the 13th and Muppet Babies. Your main character looks just like Jason Vorhees, but a super cute chibi version of him that seems like it's right outta Jim Henson’s mind. This is a charming departure from the more muscle-bound MC from the original and later titles.

Playing as a standard linear side scrolling beat em up, you constantly push right, slaying weird (but cute) monsters, and taking out bosses at the end of each level. With a unique spin on the beat em up genre, you have a death track that counts up as you slay. When you reach the requirement for the death track, you regain a bit of health and even upgrade to a higher health stock so you can murder even more! Splatterhouse, teaching children of Japan that murder is a healthy and rewarding practice, since 1989. But just in case you’re a sensitive conservative gamer, candy will also heal you.

Our first boss encounter is a vampire that rises from the grave while flipping you the bird. He has a musical dance number with some zombies and then sends them after you in droves as he throws eyeballs or testicles at you. *shrug* This IS a Japanese game and these are 8-bit graphics so who really knows.

The game begins introducing some light platforming in the second level, but it's nothing to write home about. This level is where we start to see lines drawn to the Evil Dead series. There are some downright absurd moments that only grow as the game progresses, including a fight with a haunted oven that spews out killer poultry. Eventually, you'll even get a damn boomstick!

Also, I hope you like disgusting because the second level primarily takes place in a shit ridden sewer where you're literally trudging through the brown.

Level 3 pulls out a hilarious Ridley Scott’s Alien reference with a mini-boss of a girl who has like thirty chest bursters coming out of her like she’s got the extraterrestrial runs. This level takes place in the suburbs and even has a sweet moment in a church complete with a satanic cult possessed by a neon goat demon thing.

There aren't very many levels in the game, and it runs only about an hour long (not including a few treats that dedicated gamers will discover -- yep, the game has hidden stuffs!) but along the way, you'll see a ton of tributes. This is a video game for horror fans, you'll even see reference to The Fly, Jaws, and what I consider to be Cropsey later in the game. With a ton of diversity in pixel art for its time, you can really tell this was a labor of love.

There's a lot of ways to obtain this game. The best (IMO) for an American gamer is to snag a reproduction cart for your NES with English translation. It should run you around 20-50$ and is well worth the cost. (FYI: You do get what you pay for.) Some carts even come in a cool, bright plastic shell! (check Etsy) 

Another option is to get a rom and emulator, or if you want to really invest, there are ways to get an original Japanese Famicom working in your home, but you'll have to deal with the story in Japanese if you go that route. Lastly, there are Famicom to NES converters that’ll run you around 20-30$, but this will allow you to play original Famicom games on your NES.

All of the Splatterhouse games are worth a go in my opinion, but there’s a third title in this franchise that got a Sega Genesis release, and I’d prefer to pretend it never happened. There was a time limit feature implemented in it that's just too damn frustrating for me. Other than that, it's pretty solid compared to the feel of one and two.

However, Splatterhouse Wanpaku Graffiti is a special gem. The gameplay is extremely responsive, the creatures are varied so the visuals never feel boring, and the overall B-movie feel is an absolute joy for horror fans who like the cheese.

[thecakewolfuniverse]

Nightmare on Elm Street: NES (1990) Review

by Matthew Fishgold

Thanks to the reimagining of Freddy and the return of Wes Craven to the franchise, Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) inspired many things for us messed up kids to enjoy. One of those glorious Freddy boons was A Nightmare on Elm Street for the Nintendo Entertainment System (1990).

In the 8-bit era of gaming, developers had to be more than just creative with their projects. Story wasn’t enough to reach the masses, so tight and responsive gameplay was God. Competing with stars like Megaman & Mario, people either had to step up their game to make cash, or piggyback a popular franchise. Enter Publisher LJN…

LJN was never known for being a trustworthy name for games to stand behind. The atrocities of the NES Friday the 13th (1989) game is case in point. Also, Jaws, The Uncanny X-Men, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and many other NES titles are further examples of the shit they churned out of their filthy, greedy buttholes. Which makes it all the more strange that Nightmare on Elm Street is so playable…

This was a game that I grew up with. I always played it with my best friend, and we could never get very far. Now that I’m older, I can finally see why. Nightmare boasts the ability to connect and multi-play with up to a total of four players. However, with even one extra player, you’re going to fuck yourself. This game requires a lot of precise jumping to navigate through the levels, and the physics of your character’s jump mechanic is pretty bad. So, unless every player is working in absolute sync with one another, without any individuality, one character's progression will ensure another player's death, time and time again.

The game begins by putting you on a linear path of left or right. Either way you travel you’ll have to punch wolves, snakes, bats and frankensteins in the face with your one-inch punches (totally not as cool as Bruce Lee). You’ll have to be pretty damn precise with these punches if you’re planning on killing anything, the hit detection sucks balls unless you’re right up in the enemy’s fucking grille. So, I’d suggest just jumping over everything, the enemies won’t turn around, they’ll just keep running head first like they’re in uncontrollable heat. 

The object of the game is to discover the sequence of houses/graveyard/junkyard you have to enter on this linear path in order to collect all of Freddy’s bones within each area. Unfortunately for you, there’s no way to tell what the sequence is unless you’ve played this game as many times as I have...too many.

As you collect the bones in each level, you’ll be able to progress further, and only when you collect ALL THE BONES, miss one and you’ll have to backtrack. It’s pretty easy to miss the bones too, sometimes they blend into the background. Also, sometimes you will be jumping up on one like a fucking madman and it won’t let you get it. If that happens you’ll have to make sure you’re not using any dream powers.

One of the best parts of this game is using the dreams powers. The Gymnast, The Ninja, and The Wizard are power-ups that you’ll find throughout the levels. They’ll allow you to use special abilities other than your one-inch punch, but you’ll have to be in the dream realm to use them.

The game is separated by an awake and nightmare realm. I’d suggest staying in the nightmare realm as much as possible. There, you can use your power to shoot projectiles at the enemies, making the game much more playable, despite the tougher enemies.

Ghosts, satyrs, Freddy spiders, and flying skulls replace the normal enemies in the levels while you’re in the nightmare realm. If for some reason, you want to wake up, there are boom boxes throughout the levels that will play a rad tune and jostle you back into the waking world. You enter the nightmare realm by letting your sleep meter run down, coffee will increase your meter, but everything else you do will lower it.

The only downfall about staying in the nightmare realm too long is that eventually, Freddy will come after you for a mini-boss fight. However, once you get used to it, fighting the mini-boss Freddy is so easy that it’s almost a joke. So once again, live in the nightmare realm as much as possible.

At the end of each level, you’ll be treated to a different form of Freddy, including his glove, head, ghost Freddy, bat Freddy, and alternate variations of the claw and head. To be honest, at the time of this review, I’ve still not yet beaten the damn game. I always die in the same damn spot too. In true Megaman fashion, at the final level, you have to defeat every prior boss in sequence. Unlike games today, there’s no save feature for Nightmare on Elm Street, so when I die at the end level, I have to start all the way at the beginning again. I’ll beat it eventually, even if it takes me another twenty years dammit.

It’s not saying much that Nightmare on Elm Street is the best 8-bit video game based on a horror movie, due to its lack of competition and poor contenders. Though it has its problems, the game is definitely playable once you learn how it should be handled, and who knows, you might just become addicted to it like I am.

[thecakewolfuniverse]

Microwave Massacre (1983): Why I love this movie

by Matthew Fishgold

“It looks like our culinary refuge has found a tasty morsel to eat.” -Unwitting cannibalistic construction worker.

With a run time of an hour and sixteen minutes, and a rating of Unrated, Microwave Massacre (1983) *the year of my birth!* was Directed by Wayne Berwick, and Written by Craig Muckler and Thomas Singer. It stars Jackie Vernon (Donald), Al Troupe (Phillip), Claire Ginsberg (May), and the beautiful Anna Marlowe (The Chicken Lady Chick).

Director Wayne Berwick worked on sets with his father who was a script director (uncredited at the time) but now he’s got a laundry list of credits thanks to IMDb! Wayne’s pop made his own movie, a monster flick (The Monster of Piedras Blancas, 1959)  that re-purposed the costume of the creature of the black lagoon for the monster role. His dad did this as a fuck you to Hollywood for not appreciating his work, branching out to do his own thing in a genre he was passionate about, horror. Wayne grew an appreciation for film, especially monsters.

Now, although Wayne loved the genre, this wasn’t exactly the love letter that he wanted to leave behind. Originally written as a straight up horror movie with exploitive tones, Microwave Massacre met with a strange turn of events from Craig Muckler’s original ideas. Thomas Singer who very loosely based the screenplay off of Craig Muckler’s four page synopsis delivered a wacked out comedic version of the film during a time where there was no way to turn back on filming. So it was either make a horror comedy, or not make anything at all. Personally, I’m glad it happened.

The origin of Microwave Massacre begins with Wayne Berwick’s father teaching college classes. One of his students, Craig Muckler, was riding on the success of a prior film he had done with Wayne and some friends called Malibu High (1979), so after getting a solid A on an exploitative horror script, Craig decided to put the crew together again and knock it out of the park with this beloved/hated film, Microwave Massacre.

After taking five fucking years to get distributed, nobody wanted to touch the film. However, after the five years, they shot more tits and more gore, and what do ya know, adding in the extra bits of tits helped it get picked up.

Now, I haven’t seen many 50’s TV shows, but the comedy between the wife and husband reminds me of shit that you’d get from The Munsters. It’s really Vernon’s strength, his execution is so on the spot for that stinky comedic cheese. Many people attempt to replicate the style of a bad movie that’s so bad it’s good, many fail. I can’t think of a single actor besides Vernon that’s able to deliver that bad/good movie feel so effortlessly. If he was around today, he’d be prolific in film.

Even with insane budgetary restrictions, Microwave Massacre made a damn convincing life for the characters with its set design. Wholly, the creative direction has Robert Burns to thank. Burns, The Hills Have Eyes and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre art director, was suggested to the story writer and producer (Craig Muckler) of Microwave Massacre by Wes Craven himself when Wes and Muckler were at a bar together. He put together the entirety of the interior house design for a mere thousand dollars. Hell, he even convinced Mickey Dolan of the Monkeys to let them use his empty up for sale house.

Yep, you heard right. Wes Craven supported this film’s creation. Wes even visited the Microwave Massacre yard sale after its filming and bought an eye ball off of them for a quarter.

With so many odds against them, Microwave Massacre didn’t give a fuck. It pushed through all the haters and shitters and fucking prevailed. Hell, today there’s even a fan base enough to get not only a digital remastering but also talks of an official sequel!

It’s a shame there's so much lost footage of Microwave Massacre. Most of it we will never know about. However, there is a dream sequence that Berwick remembers where Vernon is chowing down on a giant comical ham. Besides that dream sequence, there are twenty minutes more of lost footage that’s completely unrecoverable.

Yeah, I gave this movie a perfect score. I did so not because it's a perfect movie, but because it’s so perfectly damaged. As I’ve said, many film strive to balance the so bad it's good fine line and, in my opinion, none of them have done it better than Microwave Massacre, it set the bar in my humble and misogynistic opinion.

It's currently streaming with Amazon Prime and on Shudder. Hate it or love it, it's never going to get as good/bad as Microwave Massacre.

[thecakewolfuniverse]

🍰🐺NEW #horror #gameshow here: tinyurl.com/yaxrguhv ☠️ featuring #RobZombie #Halloween 2 (2009)! Test your #HorrorMovies might with our #Trivia challenge 👻

[thecakewolfuniverse]

‪🍰🐺Join us here: https://tinyurl.com/ycmea8z3 as we discuss the #JohnCarpenter #Horror masterpiece #Halloween and play a #Gameshow for one of the best #HorrorMovies of all time! Cheers 🍻 How well did you score on our #trivia game? 👻‬

[thecakewolfuniverse]

Celebrating the oncoming sequel to my favorite #HorrorMovie of 2017 with this #happydeathday #Horror #cocktail 🍰🐺 Keep rockin’ these badass movies #blumhouse 👌🎂❤️🍿

[thecakewolfuniverse]

Take a stab at this question and we’ll give you and your answer a shout out on our upcoming John Carpenter’s #Halloween #Horror #gameshow.

[thecakewolfuniverse]

SPOOPY! RL Stine’s The Haunting Hour

Many people who are hardcore horror fans love horror from the time they’re a child. I won’t not consider myself a lifelong horror fan, but then again, I did get a taste of horror as a child by reading R.L. Stine stories.

That’s probably why I got real excited when I saw R.L. Stine’s The Haunting Hour on Netflix. I had not watched this series when it was first released… partially because I haven’t had cable since approximately 2010, which is when the show was released by Hub Television Network. Netflix specifically categorizes this as a TV show for children, 8 to 12 years old, but I find it pretty damn creepy at age 32. It’s rated TV-PG and it’s pretty spooky.

Created as a spin off of the movie of the same title, this is not a serial drama. Instead, it is comprised of several, separate 22-minute episodes that do not intersect. There are the occasional “to be continued” two-part stories, but for the most part they are all one-off.

The series gets off to a creepy start by following the story of a serious brat who is spoiled to the point of being incredibly unlikeable. She gets everything she asks her daddy for, including a personalized, full-sized “Really You” doll. We’re offered a glimpse into the making of this doll when someone tosses a doll head aside and declares it bad… but guess what! That doll head looks JUST LIKE THIS AWFUL BRAT, so onto a doll body it goes.

When the doll is delivered to the Brat (sorry, her name is Lilly), she quickly begs her dad to let her and her doll go to a salon to get matching haircuts. This is when the sinister doll starts making psychic connections with the tired, fed-up mother.

Guess what! THE DOLL IS ALIVE! Of course it is. Or I guess you could say it’s possessed, but the maker of the dolls claims that each doll has a personality and most are content to stay a doll and live out their days being… just a doll. But this one? She is not content. She is determined to replace her new owner and live life as a human.

Brandon, Lilly’s older brother, rightly thinks his sister is The Worst. (She is. She really is.) But it turns out he is the one that believes his sister when she claims that the doll is performing all the hijinks that get her in trouble. He hatches a plan to videotape his parents bedroom to capture the doll in action.

Oh, important side note: The mother has started sleeping with the doll in her bed and wishing the doll was her daughter instead. The husband thinks it’s weird, but doesn’t even try to stop it. Yeah, parents are totally fucking weird. Also important side note? Probably NOT a great idea to record your parents’ bedroom activities unless you’d like to burn your retinas out later.

Anyway, Brandon catches the doll in action BUT the doll knows he set up the camera and takes the memory card out of the camera.

I can’t say much more without giving the rest of the story away, but I have to say that the acting in this series (and the first two “Really You” episodes specifically) is fantastic. Lilly is portrayed convincingly by Bailee Madison. Child actors are usually not all that convincing, but this lady can portray emotions like disgust and fear really well… Better than some adult actors if we’re being honest.

There are some weaker episodes, and some that were a little too predictable for my liking, but a kid wouldn’t even notice that flaw. And the acting isn’t always Bailee Madison-level acting. The weaker episodes detract very little from the show overall.

If you’re a millennial looking to relive some campy horror style storytelling from your childhood, or if you have children of your own and would like to start them down the horror path, I highly suggest giving The Haunting Hour, streaming on Netflix, a spin. It’s spooky enough to keep adult engaged and reminds me a lot of the campy horror shows that were on back in the 1990s.

What else can you expect beyond creepy dolls? Maybe a teenage witch? Or a sugar monster that lives in your walls? How about a Little Mermaid-meets-Mean-Girls story about a little red dress? Or if you’re hungry and bold, it’s also got Kreamy Kold.

My favorite thing about this show are the endings. Some have happy endings, others have endings that leave you unsettled and uncomfortable.

There’s a little something for everyone’s particular terror and at 22 minutes an episode, it’s easy to squeeze a little horror into your day. I give this one 7 out of 10 creepy dolls.

[thecakewolfuniverse]

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[thecakewolfuniverse]

Stung (2015)

Creature features are like candy to me, they often taste like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, a fine combination of processed familiar shit that I’ve been eating since childhood and absolute enjoyment. So it wasn’t a surprise to me when I found myself enjoying Stung (2015). What was a surprise is how damn good of a movie it was, despite my creature feature biases. As a lifelong horror fan, I’m allowed to be hyperbolic when it comes to my favorite genre, but I’m also able to calm myself down and examine its flaws when necessary. However, for this review I’m just going to gush, because Stung is near absolute comedy/horror perfection. Should you stream it? FUCK YES!

With a run time of an hour and thirty minutes, and a rating of R, Stung (2015) was Directed by Benni Diez, and written by Adam Aresty. It stars Matt O’Leary (Paul), Jessica Cook (Julia), Lance ‘Fucking’ Henriksen (Caruthers), and Clifton Collins Jr. (Sydney).

Our flick starts off with Julia and Paul on their way to a social event that they’ll be working. The two of them work for a catering company called: Country Catering, appropriate, since they’ll be catering in the country…

The scenery reminds me of where I spent some of my childhood, in the open farm country of central Pennsylvania, full of paved roads that aren’t actually paved.

We find out that a lot is riding on the success of this event, Julia has recently taken over the business and if things don’t work out in cow country, then it’s back to the drawing board and admitting that she failed her deceased father’s business.

Well, lucky for her, the event seems to go pretty decent. Momma’s boy Sydney who lives with his elderly mother in what looks like the house from the Texas Chain Saw Massacre, celebrates in an annual remembrance of his dead father. So, mainly having to please a bunch of golden oldies, there’s very little that could go wrong…that is until…

Wasps are dicks. They really serve no purpose in life other than to be completely fucking obnoxious. They turn caterpillars into zombie incubators until they kill the caterpillars completely just to birth their young. Like, have babies on your own, assholes.

They do the same to cockroaches. They inject venom into their brains a la Jeffrey Dahmer. Then they perform brain surgery so that the cockroach loses its free will in order to take the cockroach to their burrow to use them as baby food.

Wasps. Nature’s very first one-minute men, (wasps take only one minute to mate…but that’s the only thing I have in common with them) and in that little sixty seconds they’re able to infect dozens of cockroaches with their young!

Actually, they do serve a small purpose. Apparently wasps are so good at pest control that farmers release them to deal with pest problems. But I still think they’re assholes.

Learn more from the geniuses at National Geographic. They know more about bugs than I do. Yes, please. Cause I’m definitely on this site to learn about Wasps.

Anyway, suddenly, out of nowhere, CHIHUAHUAS ATTACK!

Just kidding, this is a review about a movie called Stung, so of course there’s a reason I went into a diatribe about wasps. But I would love to someday see someone make a horror movie about killer chihuahuas, just sayin’.

Wasps that look like they’re right out of a Roger Corman film attack the social event, stinging, impregnating, making people shit their pants, causing everyone to find shelter before they’re preggo with creepy wasp babies in their defecated pants…you get the idea.

One of the spinsters of the party literally erupts with a giant wasp as its legs force their way out of her mouth and just tear her the fuck in half while tiny wasps are flying up her skirt in a violent frenzy. It’s glorious. This special scene puts you in your place if you had any prior doubts of its excellence. The effects here are brilliant, mixing practical effects with digital ingeniously.

Making their way into the house to escape the swarm, Julia, Paul, Sydney, Caruthers, and a few others are safe…for now.

Wanna know what’s next? Well, I’m not going to ruin too much more for you. It’s currently streaming on Amazon for $3.99, so check it out!

Consistently ramping up the insanity and gore, our few survivors are put through the comedy/horror meat grinder with satisfying results. Hell, there’s even a queen wasp boss fight towards the end that momentarily departs into some weird interspecies sex talks, what more could you ask for? How about a cow wasp, or a killer poodle wasp? Yeah, it’s got that too (not a chihuahua, but close enough).

There’s an underlying theme in this movie that deals with the consequences of succumbing to the depression of paternal loss and the benefits of fighting to live beyond their guidance. It’s an interesting duality that conflicts well between the two characters expressing each idea throughout the film. However, you can ignore all that if you’d like to. It’s nice that there’s something to chew on beneath the surface, but the surface is just so damn fun that you could just shut off your brain box and enjoy the buzz.

This film is as gory as it is bonkers, if you’re into films like Slither (2006), you’re going to love this as much as I do. I give this film 9/10 rapist wasps! You should stream it ASAW (As Soon As Waspossible).

[thecakewolfuniverse]

Kick Ass Hell Bitch

Crazyhead is a Netflix Original horror-comedy created in association with E4 (Channel 4 Television), one of the power hitters in the UK. It’s written by Howard Overman and directed by Al Mackay and Declan O’Dwyer. Rated TV-MA, this show has a lot of potential and is super fun so far. It stars two female leads; Susan Wokoma as Raquel and Cara Theobold as Amy.

I’ve only gotten a few episodes in, but here are my observations. Amy is a bit of a prude, but not an obnoxious type… just a little uptight. She thinks she’s crazy because she has “hallucinations” of fire-faced demons, but in reality… she can see fire-faced demons (and potentially other undead entities).

Raquel discovers Amy is a “seer” or, as Raquel prefers, “kick ass hell bitch” and tries to take Amy under her wing. The problem is, Raquel is not a “people person.” She has always been an outcast and never quite figured out how to pretend to be normal.

Raquel is a delight. She is boisterous and direct. Despite her background and her filthy mouth, she has a touch of innocence about her. In one scene, she explains that psychiatric drugs will prevent “seers” from seeing demons and eliminate your ability to orgasm. She pinches Amy’s nipple. She buries Amy’s best friend, but doesn’t cry until she accidentally cuts a rabbit in half with her shovel, referencing Watership Down and the rabbit war.

Side note — Susan Wokoma is amazing. I’ve seen her in, like, every new British show on Netflix. She plays an awkward, sexually repressed sister on Chewing Gum, makes an appearance as a sexed up 20-something on Crashing, and takes the lead here in Crazyhead. It’s great to see her playing a lead because (1) any woman who also plays a lead is exciting, (2) she is not a dainty size 2, and (3) her acting skills really get to shine on the main stage. I love her. She kicks ass in a completely believable way — no special effects or insane martial arts skills, just a good, brutal beating and a teensie, supernatural advantage.

There are some parallels to Buffy the Vampire Slayer — specifically Jake, Amy’s coworker, who has a very Xander-esque feel to him. Oh, and the leads are both ladies who are hunted by and fight the undead. There’s a “good” demon, Sawyer, in the opening episodes, but the usual assumption of the relationship between him and Raquel isn’t true here. I found their relationship to be quite the twist on the usual, tired cliche. He turns out to be nothing like Angel or Spike.

As an outsider (i.e.: I’ve not been born and raised as a horror fan), I’m very excited about this show. It’s not overly gory, but the demons are pretty horrifying — they’re wolves in sheep’s clothing. It’s a kick ass show, showcasing kick ass women — very much like Buffy in the late 1990s — and it’s nice to see two, otherwise average seeming women, take charge and handle their own lives. They’re clumsy and “adorkable,” which is trendy for women TV characters right now, but they’ve definitely chosen to take a new twist by putting a curvy woman at the helm. It’s a refreshing, updated take on an old classic storyline. LET THE BINGE COMMENCE!

I give Crazyhead 9 out of 10 dirty spades.