Eat the Rude

lmao my life is a mess

[thecannibalkhaleesi]

Ughhh I hate whenever I get in one of my episodes where I start examining my body and get insecure. It’s so hard for me to snap out of it sometimes. I notice all the changes in my body when I gained back the weight I lost.  I just spent half an hour reviewing current pictures of myself to old ones to see how much of a difference there is with my weight gain. I hate my body so much. I’m always struggling with my weight but my family doesn’t seem to have a problem losing It. I feel so ugly. I look ugly. God when does it ever stop. I look so awful compared to my sisters. I’ve been trying to watch what I eat, exercise, and etc. but it feels so slow in progress. I wish I could tear my body apart physically sometimes because I hate it so much. I am frustrated and angry. 

[thecannibalkhaleesi]

I’m missing you a lot today, but then again, when do I not miss us? 

[thecannibalkhaleesi]

I love my momma but it’s really sad when she says slut shaming comments to me or things like “why are you dressed like that?? Don’t be surprised when a man tries to harrass you when you go out with these clothes!” I have not told her I have gone through things that I know would make her sad. I saw how she reacted when my older sister informed her of her experiences. I didn’t want to go through the same. I try not to feel uncomfortable about it because I know Asian culture is so conservative. She does not feel my pain because she is not aware that I go through it every day. 

[especially]

[thecannibalkhaleesi]

My head hurts a lot. How is it that you’re the person I’ve loved so much but in the end you had to leave. You loved me too. I don’t understand.

[thecannibalkhaleesi]

Trying to be emotionally mature & acting appropriately really fucking sucks. Damn I just wanna be an idiot and do things I know I’m not supposed to be doing. I have to enforce discipline on myself because I know being stupid isn’t going to help me go further in life. 

[thecannibalkhaleesi]

Last night I had dreams that we were together again. It was the happiest I felt in a while. Then I woke up and I realized it wasn’t real. I miss you a lot.  

[thecannibalkhaleesi]

I feel upset. My sister is trying to set me up with some new guy when she clearly knows I’m not over you or the relationship. I hate hearing “you’ll find someone new!” and “why aren’t you over him yet?”. I don’t want to hear that I’ll find someone new. I can’t get over what happened in just a month or for a long time. I know people tell me this so I can feel better but it’s just painful. I’m in pain not because I’m not in a relationship, I’m in pain because I can’t be with the person I want to be with. The person I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life. I feel like an empty shell of a person just walking around hoping to feel better. I always think I feel better some days but then it only takes a few minutes for me at night to realize how much pain I’m in and how sad I am. I can’t sleep peacefully since the break-up. I don’t sleep on the side of the bed I always reserved for you. It’s been left empty so that I can try to imagine your presence there because I didn’t know the last time we would sleep together in the same bed was the last time at all. Ugh fuck this, fuck everything. I hate my life. 

[thecannibalkhaleesi]

Ugh I feel this place is my only safe zone from everything right now. In short I’m just really sad about everything that I’ve been dealing with. I hate talking about it because it’s the same thing being regurgitated all over and I don’t want to annoy my friends with this. I’m really heartbroken over the fact that we’re not together anymore. It feels even worse watching us not really talk every day and becoming more distant. I know this has to be done because we’ll never figure out how to deal with not being together if we don’t. I’m really distraught over the fact that I thought for the longest time we were going to get married and be together. I kept thinking in my head I wouldn’t need to be with anyone else while we were together. I hate myself because when I think about me moving on and being over you, it’s painful. I hate getting thoughts in my head that you’re over me because I don’t want you to ever stop loving me. I don’t want to stop loving you either but this is how things have to be now I suppose. Everyone tells me I’ll be fine and I’ll find someone again. I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone I can love as much as you. All the time I wait for the moment that you might change your mind and ask if we can be together again but this is just wishful thinking that needs to stop on my end. I need to accept the fact that you’re never going to come back. I’m not sure how I’ll get over you but I hope that I do so that I don’t feel hurt for the rest of my life. I was so fixated on the idea of us having a future and being together that it really hurts to have my dreams ruined like this. I can’t really talk to anyone about it, people say they’re there to listen but all they can say is “well you’ll find someone better!!!” but that’s not what I want. Simply put you were the love of my life so far. I don’t know who can replace that in my heart. I’ll always have a place for you in my heart no matter what. In the end I hope you end up being happy even if it’s not with me. I hope you get to the MMA & get the recognition you deserve. I want everything to go your way and you be happy. I just don’t see the same for me anymore. 

[thecannibalkhaleesi]

I’m not happy without you. 

[catsbeaversandducks]

“No.”

By 魏大葱有木瓜

[bakwaaas]

[specialty38-deactivated20200930]

did i rb this yet?

[thecannibalkhaleesi]

Imagine being THAT self absorbed... couldn’t be me

[thecannibalkhaleesi]

I shouldn’t let this make me feel insecure and small but it does. I know it’s not being said out of harmful or malicious intent but it still hurts. Most days I feel really positive about where everything, the reality is that everything is uncertain & I have no way to control anything except making sure I give a 100%

[bakwaaas]

Maturity is realising that other people are not mind readers, even those who love you. It’s on you to reach out, talk about how you feel, and to explain yourself. ​Everybody is busy living their own lives and is caught up in their own issues & problems, amidst all that you can’t expect them to magically be in tune with your every need and emotion. Communicate.

[this-isnotmy-cat]

[animejebbush]

me whenever anybody says that they like me/that i’m their friend