Or Broccoli, which is like seafoam cleaner for your intestines. So here I am once again working towards my yearly goals though I have come across another thing - I want a new computer. I’m going to upgrade my system again, along with my car and other stuff.
Anyways, oddly enough I feel my relationship with my significant other is actually going back on the right track. It’s interesting that we both find ourselves less clinged to eachother and more interested in building our selves up. While that may on the surface seem like a death knell when it comes to relationships It’s starting to feel quite the opposite. Today I feel closer to myself than I did yesterday, and the day before that... and oddly enough it all really started becoming clear with a kiss... that I didn’t do.
Some guy actually kissed my love, she turned him down but he requested if he could before he left town. Like the honest person she is she came to me and was honest and wanted to know how I felt about it. She told me she was feeling infatuated with this guy before, but loves me a lot and values what we have going so I really wasn’t feeling like this guy was much of a threat. But then this happened, and once I got passed my knee jerk reaction I said something that even surprised myself...
”Ok, cool - go for it I trust ya.”
Now before everyone freaks the fuck out - I thought about my words carefully. I thought about the options and for a split second I knew what to do. You see, if I would have just said no, I would remain in my comfort zone but still be denying what could be just a harmless curiosity. This may seem like it would advert everything for now but it would later contribute to the slow death of our relationship. She’s young, hasn’t had many partners like I have - or one night stands... anything. As much as I feel monogamous, I can’t deny the fact that one thing I hated when I was younger was also feeling restricted to not think or feel or do anything else. I wanted some level of openness but guilt always kept me away from it. If I were to deny her even something so...benign as a kiss (or a make out session, who knows who cares really) then it’s like I’m still putting on the same mentality I resented when I was younger. Saying no wouldn’t have just been not satisfying for her but for me as well. After all, a huge factor would be my insecurity in not having faith in her to come back to me - I do not like fear based decisions.
But I said ok, and I’m sure there are a million and a half people ready to tell me why I’m so weak or fucked up because of it. But honestly, they don’t get it. I do. You know why?
I was that guy who women cheated on their boyfriends and husbands for. Yeah, I was kinda a scumbag once upon a time too. But I noticed that these women did not feel connected or vulnerable to their lovers. They were in relationships where they felt they compromised so much of themselves they end up cheating. So what is a little freedom then? I can face my insecurity head on, deal with the reality that yes - sometimes we want to explore some things outside our partner (Myself included) and maybe she can respect that I am actually pretty damn reasonable.
Well...
Ok...
I didn’t expect all this to happen.
Years of repression in both of us seem to almost be immediately lifted, she feels so much less dirty when she fantasizes about other men... and actually I feel pretty good being able to fantasize about other partners too. Oh but it doesn’t stop there, while we both agreed just taking simple baby steps like kissing is ok - suddenly it was like night and day when it came to her attitude towards me changed. She loved me a lot before, but it seems this new found freedom to her has really raised her impression of me far beyond what she even expected. We had sex this morning and she literally exploded on me in passion - I could see that love in her eyes again as he held onto me during the aftermath.
Again, it’s not like I relationship was in the shitter before- but this change is so drastic that it’s clear there was some elements missing. She went from “Happy to see me” to the level of a dog when you come home. She said she never felt so happy and secure in her relationship now, and that we really are equals - I know she still secretly dreads me locking lips with another but at the same time she feels confident that I will only come home to love her more.
So... god damn. What have I stumbled on? Now that we both said “Hey you get a freebie when it comes to locking lips and not have to ask the other for permission” I feel... more like myself too again. Has this same weight on her been on me this whole time? The sex was amazing this morning... the cuddling afterwards was sweet.
We both came from households torn apart by cheating, sometimes I wonder if things would have been differently if our folks found what we might have stumbled on. More incentive for me to hit the gym though- I’m not only looking nice for her but now I’m looking good for all the potential encounters. (Aside from health being a major thing too).
As this year progresses I feel bits of myself coming back to me, like I’m becoming whole again... and confident, and bad ass. These new directions in life are scary but holy shit- I’ll be damned if I don’t follow them. Like a beacon in the night I’m drawn to it’s radiance. I don’t know what I’m going to find, but I feel that it’s closer to my destiny.
What am I going to accomplish this year?
-I will release 2 games
-I will have a steady income from Patreon
-I will take a vacation in Hawaii with my dear Tem.
-I will have a new(er) car.
-I will attend two conventions as a booth artist
-I’d like to go on a cruise
-I’d like to paint another restaurant.
-I want a newer computer, a higher powered computer.
So what do I need to do this month?
-I need to finish coloring the book for Fodee.
-I need to file my taxes and get that ball rolling.
-I need to look into Heroes Con for Booth Costs.
-Make a contribution to the car and hawaii fund.
-Research the Island Tem and I will go to.
-I need to outline my first project and have it ready for production.
What about this week?
-I need to go to the Gym 3 times
-I need take care of my lover’s needs for the wisdom teeth pulling
-I need to lay the flats on 10 more pages for Fodee’s book.
-I need to handle the aftermath of said wisdom teeth pulling.
-I need to clean out my car.
-I need to sort that damn sock pile.
-I should go to Parrys and see whats up.
-I need to get started on my first project’s brainstorming.
-I need to buy a new filter for the Humidifier
-I need to make a real shopping list component for the fridge.
What about tonight?
-I am going to clean out my desk at work and dispose of all unnecessary things.
-I am going to update my social media accounts with an update.
*Facebook Public Figure Page
*Coconut Powered Games Public Page
*My Patreon
*My Deviantart
-I will complete my Triages and Call Logs in a Timely Manner tonight. I need to exercise good work habits again if I am to change jobs.
-I’ll fill in some freed up space with stuff from my car.
