Lets go Beautiful Justice Strike! @thecaptainschest - Tumblr Blog

Money Money Money...

Always an issue, though if there is one ever present truth to the modern world - Money. I mean with the way the modern world works, the fact that everything is based off of a normalized exchange through a currency to provide value to everything whether it’s services, product, or even especially time.

The thing is though time is something you can’t buy back, so it’s probably one of the most sacred things you can buy with money...and exchange from yourself for money. But the other thing that we have look at is not just the time we sell to others but the time we are selling to ourselves. Are we maximizing our time or our advantage? Is there a way to find time to be productive and still find enjoyment out of life? When is it time to live a boring life and when is it time for excitement? These questions fill my mind as I try to find the world life balance that I need. To not be completely buried in projects while at the same time not be so lax that I simply spend all my time enjoying the bare minimum of a happy life experience. I find that my quest to finding the answer to this puzzle comes from another dilemma I came across last night - impulse versus discipline.

You see, throughout the day you will have opportunities for situations, encounters, engagements, or urges to do various things. Maybe it’s to go eat, maybe it’s to go hang out at the bar...play video games... drive around town and go shopping. Basically every time you have an urge to do something that maybe more fun than productive. It’s good to follow these urges sometimes as it contributes to the adventure and interesting aspects of life - yet at the same time too much of these will lead to no where and somethings you must buckle down and get what’s needed done... done.

Oh but there is lies the other issue, too much discipline lends room to being a dull joyless individual. I just recently accomplished a lot for this Children’s book, it’s still not done - as a reward I allowed myself to take it easy a little bit. Though now is the time to get focused again. With what you ask? Well the final touches to this project and the start of my next big thing - this game company. Today I will start my tackling.

What about this week? -I need to go to the Gym 2 times -I need to clean out my car. -I should go to Parrys and see whats up. -I need to get started on my first project’s brainstorming. -I need to buy a new filter for the Humidifier -I need to make a real shopping list component for the fridge. What about tonight? -I am going to update my social media accounts with an update. *Facebook Public Figure Page *Coconut Powered Games Public Page *My Patreon *My Deviantart -I will sort that damn sock pile. -I will start taking stuff out of my Trunk. -I will start on my manifest. -I will finish that lost panel for Fodee. -I will discuss with him the plans for the book, possibly prototype a cover.

Progress

What am I going to accomplish this year? -I will release 2 games -I will have a steady income from Patreon -I will take a vacation in Hawaii with my dear Tem. -I will have a new(er) car. -I will attend two conventions as a booth artist -I’d like to go on a cruise -I’d like to paint another restaurant. So what do I need to do this month? -I will finish coloring the book for Fodee. -I need to file my taxes and get that ball rolling, but I’m waiting on my W2. -I will to look into Heroes Con for Booth Costs. -Make a contribution to the car and hawaii fund, a large one. -I need to outline my first project and have it ready for production. What about this week? -I need to go to the Gym 3 times -I will finish most/all of the shading for the book. -I need to clean out my car. -I should go to Parrys and see whats up. -I need to get started on my first project’s brainstorming. -I need to buy a new filter for the Humidifier -I need to make a real shopping list component for the fridge. -I’ll fill in some freed up space with stuff from my car. What about tonight? -I am going to update my social media accounts with an update. *Facebook Public Figure Page *Coconut Powered Games Public Page *My Patreon *My Deviantart -I will sort that damn sock pile. -I need take care of my lover’s needs for the wisdom teeth pulling -Finish shading 7 more panels. -I will start taking stuff out of my Trunk.

Lets continue

So most things have been resolved at this point. Honestly the past week has been so weirdly action packed I just really couldn’t sit down and write my thoughts about any of it. My relationship feels like it’s back on the right track at least, so the guy has moved to New York but then posed the question to my significant other. Does she want to come with him? He’ll put her up in a car, he’ll have a nice apartment for them, and her grandmother. He was going to basically offer her everything she wanted financially and security wise... and she said no. Well he was salty, he asked her a ton of questions about me and yet- at the end he respected her decision. She was genuinely happy with me (we have our rough spots) but she also just didn’t want to buy out her life. We aren’t completely struggling but she has her freedom to push for her life with me. Honestly I’m glad she didn’t just leave for someone shinier or promises of some better life with a guy who just met her and wanted to buy her out. She isn’t for sale, to be honest- I don’t even own her and I can’t buy her out. The fact she makes the choice to be with me is actually an honor. But anyways, we’re back on the right track at least. I’m going to surprise her for her birthday with something I’ve never done before. Plane Tickets. I know I failed to get her before 26, but I will get her the tickets at least before she turns 26. I promise this to myself.

Done

I think I’m done with the flats for this book for now. Fuck that was exhausting.

Still fighting,

I’m still fighting for myself. I need to make this clear I’m not fighting to preserve my relationship - I like to, I want to. I am visualizing it. But this fight is deeper than that. It’s going beyond my relationship with others and firmly into my relationship with not only myself but with my future. No one will understand the depth of my issue with this outside of me, and that’s ok. I will keep pushing to get everything I need done this year with or without anyone else but me.

I can’t fear abandonment anymore, as I can’t abandon myself anymore. I held on to so much sand in my relationships with others- I felt like my “Loyalty” was a good thing until it was proven dead into my face that my loyalty was never to myself and that’s why they weren’t loyal to me in the first place. I’m fighting my anxiety, my depression, my co-dependence, I’m fighting my fear of success, I’m fighting what seems like laziness to others but is a broken will to me. I’m fighting it all. I’m going to win.

What am I going to accomplish this year? -I will release 2 games -I will have a steady income from Patreon -I will take a vacation in Hawaii with my dear Tem. -I will have a new(er) car. -I will attend two conventions as a booth artist -I’d like to go on a cruise -I’d like to paint another restaurant.So what do I need to do this month? -I need to finish coloring the book for Fodee. -I need to file my taxes and get that ball rolling. -I need to look into Heroes Con for Booth Costs. -Make a contribution to the car and hawaii fund. -Research the Island Tem and I will go to. -I need to outline my first project and have it ready for production. What about this week? -I need to go to the Gym 3 times -I need to lay the flats on all pages for Fodee’s book. -I need to handle the aftermath of said wisdom teeth pulling. -I need to clean out my car. -I need to sort that damn sock pile. -I should go to Parrys and see whats up. -I need to get started on my first project’s brainstorming. -I need to buy a new filter for the Humidifier -I need to make a real shopping list component for the fridge. -I’ll fill in some freed up space with stuff from my car. What about tonight? -I am going to update my social media accounts with an update. *Facebook Public Figure Page *Coconut Powered Games Public Page *My Patreon *My Deviantart -I need take care of my lover’s needs for the wisdom teeth pulling - Lay More Flats!

Heavy

I feel so heavy right now, it’s heavy to breath, heavy to move, heavy to function. I feel so heavy, my mind is heavy... my heart is heavy. Yet it’s time like this where honestly I’m put on the fence for make it or break it. Right now I just want to collapse but I won’t allow myself to give up. I’ve been doing good so far but now I need to up the ante on my life. Especially if I’m going to even maintain my relationship with my lover... who is going through some personal crisis es right now. I remember this pain, it’s been a few years but I remember it - it’s different now. I mean the pain is the same but I’m different, and the situation is different. Normally this is the break up pain I feel, but we’re not breaking up. I feel so weak but with so many tasks ahead of me that I need to accomplish. I remember this pain. I remember how crippling it feels, how in the end I wait for it to subside before I go again... but that could take months. Fucking months. I don’t have time for this pain this time. I’m not going to succumb this time. IN the past when I did all the good this pain did me was teach me how to give up when the going gets tough. I mean, sure I’ll probably break down and cry a bit. But I’m not going to repeat the cycle, I’m not going to let anxiety rule me and destroy a salvageable relationship if there is any change. I’m not going to let giving up and anxiety delay my life’s goals any further. I’m not going to give up on the things I want most in life, I’m going to push harder when there is pain now. I’m breaking the cycle. I’m breaking the cycle tonight. Engage. What am I going to accomplish this year? -I will release 2 games -I will have a steady income from Patreon -I will take a vacation in Hawaii with my dear Tem. -I will have a new(er) car. -I will attend two conventions as a booth artist -I’d like to go on a cruise -I’d like to paint another restaurant.So what do I need to do this month? -I need to finish coloring the book for Fodee. -I need to file my taxes and get that ball rolling. -I need to look into Heroes Con for Booth Costs. -Make a contribution to the car and hawaii fund. -Research the Island Tem and I will go to. -I need to outline my first project and have it ready for production. What about this week? -I need to go to the Gym 3 times -I need to lay the flats on all pages for Fodee’s book. -I need to handle the aftermath of said wisdom teeth pulling. -I need to clean out my car. -I need to sort that damn sock pile. -I should go to Parrys and see whats up. -I need to get started on my first project’s brainstorming. -I need to buy a new filter for the Humidifier -I need to make a real shopping list component for the fridge. -I’ll fill in some freed up space with stuff from my car. What about tonight? -I am going to update my social media accounts with an update. *Facebook Public Figure Page *Coconut Powered Games Public Page *My Patreon *My Deviantart -I need to lay the flats on 5 more pages for Fodee’s book. -I need take care of my lover’s needs for the wisdom teeth pulling

distinguishedbaloney

thecaptainschest

Right?

Lol... maybe I need seafoam

Or Broccoli, which is like seafoam cleaner for your intestines. So here I am once again working towards my yearly goals though I have come across another thing - I want a new computer. I’m going to upgrade my system again, along with my car and other stuff. Anyways, oddly enough I feel my relationship with my significant other is actually going back on the right track. It’s interesting that we both find ourselves less clinged to eachother and more interested in building our selves up. While that may on the surface seem like a death knell when it comes to relationships It’s starting to feel quite the opposite. Today I feel closer to myself than I did yesterday, and the day before that... and oddly enough it all really started becoming clear with a kiss... that I didn’t do. Some guy actually kissed my love, she turned him down but he requested if he could before he left town. Like the honest person she is she came to me and was honest and wanted to know how I felt about it. She told me she was feeling infatuated with this guy before, but loves me a lot and values what we have going so I really wasn’t feeling like this guy was much of a threat. But then this happened, and once I got passed my knee jerk reaction I said something that even surprised myself... ”Ok, cool - go for it I trust ya.” Now before everyone freaks the fuck out - I thought about my words carefully. I thought about the options and for a split second I knew what to do. You see, if I would have just said no, I would remain in my comfort zone but still be denying what could be just a harmless curiosity. This may seem like it would advert everything for now but it would later contribute to the slow death of our relationship. She’s young, hasn’t had many partners like I have - or one night stands... anything. As much as I feel monogamous, I can’t deny the fact that one thing I hated when I was younger was also feeling restricted to not think or feel or do anything else. I wanted some level of openness but guilt always kept me away from it. If I were to deny her even something so...benign as a kiss (or a make out session, who knows who cares really) then it’s like I’m still putting on the same mentality I resented when I was younger. Saying no wouldn’t have just been not satisfying for her but for me as well. After all, a huge factor would be my insecurity in not having faith in her to come back to me - I do not like fear based decisions. But I said ok, and I’m sure there are a million and a half people ready to tell me why I’m so weak or fucked up because of it. But honestly, they don’t get it. I do. You know why? I was that guy who women cheated on their boyfriends and husbands for. Yeah, I was kinda a scumbag once upon a time too. But I noticed that these women did not feel connected or vulnerable to their lovers. They were in relationships where they felt they compromised so much of themselves they end up cheating. So what is a little freedom then? I can face my insecurity head on, deal with the reality that yes - sometimes we want to explore some things outside our partner (Myself included) and maybe she can respect that I am actually pretty damn reasonable. Well... Ok... I didn’t expect all this to happen. Years of repression in both of us seem to almost be immediately lifted, she feels so much less dirty when she fantasizes about other men... and actually I feel pretty good being able to fantasize about other partners too. Oh but it doesn’t stop there, while we both agreed just taking simple baby steps like kissing is ok - suddenly it was like night and day when it came to her attitude towards me changed. She loved me a lot before, but it seems this new found freedom to her has really raised her impression of me far beyond what she even expected. We had sex this morning and she literally exploded on me in passion - I could see that love in her eyes again as he held onto me during the aftermath. Again, it’s not like I relationship was in the shitter before- but this change is so drastic that it’s clear there was some elements missing. She went from “Happy to see me” to the level of a dog when you come home. She said she never felt so happy and secure in her relationship now, and that we really are equals - I know she still secretly dreads me locking lips with another but at the same time she feels confident that I will only come home to love her more. So... god damn. What have I stumbled on? Now that we both said “Hey you get a freebie when it comes to locking lips and not have to ask the other for permission” I feel... more like myself too again. Has this same weight on her been on me this whole time? The sex was amazing this morning... the cuddling afterwards was sweet. We both came from households torn apart by cheating, sometimes I wonder if things would have been differently if our folks found what we might have stumbled on. More incentive for me to hit the gym though- I’m not only looking nice for her but now I’m looking good for all the potential encounters. (Aside from health being a major thing too). As this year progresses I feel bits of myself coming back to me, like I’m becoming whole again... and confident, and bad ass. These new directions in life are scary but holy shit- I’ll be damned if I don’t follow them. Like a beacon in the night I’m drawn to it’s radiance. I don’t know what I’m going to find, but I feel that it’s closer to my destiny. What am I going to accomplish this year? -I will release 2 games -I will have a steady income from Patreon -I will take a vacation in Hawaii with my dear Tem. -I will have a new(er) car. -I will attend two conventions as a booth artist -I’d like to go on a cruise -I’d like to paint another restaurant. -I want a newer computer, a higher powered computer.

So what do I need to do this month? -I need to finish coloring the book for Fodee. -I need to file my taxes and get that ball rolling. -I need to look into Heroes Con for Booth Costs. -Make a contribution to the car and hawaii fund. -Research the Island Tem and I will go to. -I need to outline my first project and have it ready for production.

What about this week? -I need to go to the Gym 3 times -I need take care of my lover’s needs for the wisdom teeth pulling -I need to lay the flats on 10 more pages for Fodee’s book. -I need to handle the aftermath of said wisdom teeth pulling. -I need to clean out my car. -I need to sort that damn sock pile. -I should go to Parrys and see whats up. -I need to get started on my first project’s brainstorming. -I need to buy a new filter for the Humidifier -I need to make a real shopping list component for the fridge.

What about tonight? -I am going to clean out my desk at work and dispose of all unnecessary things. -I am going to update my social media accounts with an update. *Facebook Public Figure Page *Coconut Powered Games Public Page *My Patreon *My Deviantart -I will complete my Triages and Call Logs in a Timely Manner tonight. I need to exercise good work habits again if I am to change jobs. -I’ll fill in some freed up space with stuff from my car.

alpha-beta-gamer

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thecaptainschest

...wow

Get that gunk out...

I just finished (practically, still got 3 hours to go) on my after hours... I will be turning in the forms for this and the holiday pay form from the other night. (New Years). Overall, I’m starting slow it seems this year, though I can see why now. Gunk. Like an engine trying to start up for a long trip after a while of no absolute maintenance. I’m not hitting the ground running like I thought I would, but then again what could I possibly honestly expect? Normally this would be the time for me to get discouraged, or maybe hang in denial. But If I am going to break the cycle I’m going to have to face this truth. I need to stay focused on the goals. It is January 7th. One week out of 52 in this year. More needs to be addressed by the end of next week. Though I can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t push myself too hard lest I become overwhelmed again... but I’m not going to go easy either. Going easy is what keeps the progress from happening. What am I going to accomplish this year? -I will release 2 games -I will have a steady income from Patreon -I will take a vacation in Hawaii with my dear Tem. -I will have a new(er) car. -I will attend two conventions as a booth artist -I’d like to go on a cruise -I’d like to paint another restaurant.

What about tonight? -I am going to clean out my desk at work and dispose of all unnecessary things. -I am going to fill out the necessary paperwork for my holiday pay and afterhours. (Approx $500 before taxes.) -I am going to update my social media accounts with an update. *Facebook Public Figure Page *Coconut Powered Games Public Page *My Patreon *My Deviantart -I will complete my Triages and Call Logs in a Timely Manner tonight. I need to exercise good work habits again if I am to change jobs. -I’ll fill in some freed up space with stuff from my car. So... there we have it. I’m starting to feel a lot better about this year now- as long as I stay focus and control my emotions/anxiety I can achieve some wild ass shit. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll look a this list and go “Ha! I thought it would take a whole year? Lol I was such a slacker.”..wishful thinking right? I got this.

Things I wanna do...

So I’m back here again to organize my thoughts to carry out my projects. If anyone is actually reading this they will probably come to know that many of my thoughts are unorganized and are in need of sorting... a lot like my feelings. Which hey, I’m working on.

But first... gotta say the mantra. I am worth it, my time is worth it, my effort is worth it. Good, now that out of the way lets continue. Current Projects/Concepts I’m working on *That Children’s Book with Fodee *Ways to boost income from my Patreon (To actually have income) which may infact include youtubing. *Painting another restaurant (Possibly? it’s money) *Kicking off my video game studio and releasing 2 Games this year. *I got at least 1 convention coming up in June I need to prepare for. Other Goals *I am taking my Significant Other to Hawaii *I am going to change out my car *I am working to get a nice body *I’d like to try a cruise. Immediate things that Need my Attention *I have a mountain of Laundry that needs cleaning/ *My car is filled with Junk *I should really set up another donation bundle to dispose of unwanted clutter. *I need to give my significant other $200 to help cover her upcoming expenses while she waits on her new paychecks from her new job. I really believe all these things and more are achievable this year. Tonight I’m going to take care of the Laundry Aspect...while gaming. ...Don’t judge me.

Shower first,

When did Hygiene become such a thing that neglected to do? I mean I’m not as filthy as I was years ago - but I still feel pretty scrubtastic sometimes. I’m not saying I need to wash my hair every day but maybe every other day (It’s long and prone to tangling if I leave it alone). Perhaps it was years of having a shitty shower one way or the other. I’m serious, now that I’m in my new apartment I stand amazed at what a regular shower functions now.

In my old apartment, I had this shower that maybe had 5 minutes of hot water before it decided to pierce your flesh with ice. It was never fun and there was at least 4 of us living in that apartment at any one given time. I moved out to a new place with my best buddy B- whos shower sucked in a different way - the hot water lasted longer but wasn’t actually all that hot. In fact, it was just luke warm.

I know it sounds like first world problems, that’s because it is. I mean it was the lack of shower as well as just living with inescapable slobs. Like everything they do screamed of grody some of them. Everything they touched just remained a mess.

Sometimes I look at the life I live now...getting reaquainted with concepts like a new clean environment and body. Warm showers. I love it. I need to use this shit more.

guiltygirl

thecaptainschest

Lol, Truth tho.

Step one completed.

At least this one, part of it - I feel like such a blank slate right now. It’s the year 2018 and I’m slowly trying to get myself back to a state where I was the most proud and productive.

Can someone tell me when that was? When I wasn’t overcompensating for myself? When I had near infinite drive and energy...or at least enough to involve myself into projects? To be honest I’m not sure if there was a time - there just seems to different periods were some aspects of me were stronger than others.

I have more personal growth now than I ever did, I look at old blog posts and I cringe a little (a lot)...a lot more money coming in. I still have some stories to tell here and there - but also a lot of mistakes were made, damage was done which I will have to live with as I keep pushing forward.

Though, it’s nice being able to sort my thoughts out, even if right now I feel like I’m about to squashed by an avalanche of dirty laundry bursting out of a closet though I can only imagine once I get over the initial shock and chaos of actually opening the door I can sort thought everything and get myself on track. In fact, 2018 is me getting back on track, I mean I was kinda on track before but I’m running a very inefficient life model. But this year I’m addressing everything I can - including how I word everything. Starting with my current status.

I feel anxious, and overwhelmed.

Already I’m 4 days into the new year and I’m staring at a mountain of tasks, worries, and money issues... with no real tool to immediately use to overcome it all except this bloggo. So... perhaps I should start with what I want out of this year. *I want to have a more functional relationship with my significant other. *I want to raise my income substantially. *I want at least 3-4 good travel adventures under my belt, at least 1 or 2 of them are places I have never been before. *I want my art to finally take off. *I want to release 2 games at least, with moderate success. *I want to get much closer to an ideal physique and energy level. *I want to at least two 2 conventions with moderate success. *I want to finish the book with Fodee. *I want to accomplish more paid art gigs. *I want a patreon to fill in with more support for my art and projects. *I want to try new things that I’ve never done before. *I want to conquer my anxieties in myself, my relationship, my career and life. *I want to be able to either fully repair my car, or get a new one. *I want to amp my art skills. *I want to beat at least 5 good video games.

Where do we go from here?

No really, where do we go from here? I came across this Tumblr again, after a few years of it being left dormant while I guess I moved on with my life. Yet I still after all the progress I’ve made I still find myself walking in circles trying to find the key to the puzzle that I still have yet to grasp. I guess I’m prone to circles. I’ve learned quickly to hate them, it seems no matter what I do I find myself pressing the reset button on actual fun things I want to do...

Yet Ironically here I am again posting on a blog that I haven’t touched in years, making a full circle to break a circle. I suppose it makes sense somewhere. So the past few years of my life I’ve managed to go from a parking garage attendant to a IT phone/remote support guy for a medical company (That shall remain nameless) and getting paid more than twice as much as I was doing before and Ironically working half as many hours. In fact, I must say my current work situation is pretty fucking sweet. It really is... but it’s also another dead end in a way. I literally could just sit here, work 3 days a week helping people while playing video games on a laptop but then there wouldn’t be much else to my life. Sure it beats sitting outside all night in the freezing cold retrieving cars for minimum wage but honestly I want more to my life. I need more to my life, I need adventure, I need new locales and more cool stories. I feel like while I upgraded my paygrade/apartment/etc I have yet to really enhance much of the quality of my own life... even after a couple of years of straight up introspection. So once again I’m here, I stumbled on this tumblr again after my significant other found my porn one while questing to make a tumblr themselves. Needless to say some explanations were in order in my taste of things, but that’s ok. Honestly In an interest to move on with my life I need to let go of things like that anyways, sure porn can be a fun waste of time... but too much of it will warp your mind into ways you really don’t want to travel int he direction of. Addictions are real.

After coming across that I paid this one a visit- found my safer porn blog (I deleted my other one) and then found this one. So I was going through the entries and I realized that during a time in my life I need to be blogging again...Though this is tied to my artist persona which means I’m going to strip this of it’s more arty stuff and focus more on... me. This will be my personal blog. A little less public friendly and not such an emphasis on image. Just me. Just me posting my thoughts, re-blogging crap I find cool, and just organizing my brain to stop these fucking circles. Will I tell anyone about this? Maybe maybe not. If you do find this, we can keep this our little secret.

nimstrz

soundsnotstr8

This legitimately upsets me.

hookteeth

… Y’see, now, y’see, I’m looking at this, thinking, squares fit together better than circles, so, say, if you wanted a box of donuts, a full box, you could probably fit more square donuts in than circle donuts if the circumference of the circle touched the each of the corners of the square donut.

So you might end up with more donuts.

But then I also think… Does the square or round donut have a greater donut volume? Is the number of donuts better than the entire donut mass as a whole?

Hrm.

HRM.

organisedentropy-blog

A round donut with radius R1 occupies the same space as a square donut with side 2R1. If the center circle of a round donut has a radius R2 and the hole of a square donut has a side 2R2, then the area of a round donut is πR12 - πr22. The area of a square donut would be then 4R12 - 4R22. This doesn’t say much, but in general and throwing numbers, a full box of square donuts has more donut per donut than a full box of round donuts. The interesting thing is knowing exactly how much more donut per donut we have. Assuming first a small center hole (R2 = R1/4) and replacing in the proper expressions, we have a 27,6% more donut in the square one (Round: 15πR12/16 ≃ 2,94R12, square: 15R12/4 = 3,75R12). Now, assuming a large center hole (R2 = 3R1/4) we have a 27,7% more donut in the square one (Round: 7πR12/16 ≃ 1,37R12, square: 7R12/4 = 1,75R12). This tells us that, approximately, we’ll have a 27% bigger donut if it’s square than if it’s round.

tl;dr: Square donuts have a 27% more donut per donut in the same space as a round one.