hey, i was wondering if you could do a scenario where the apprentice was pregnant with asra's child before they died of the plague and maybe they remember and get comforted. you don't have to if it's too much angst
T_T So sad, I love it! Definitely need one more h/c before I close this blog :3 Thanks for requesting it!
“I’m so sorry,” you sobbed, deep, traumatizing pain lodged in your heart. Asra pushed your head forward into his shoulder, trying to bear it for both of you, but a grim expression ruled on his face as well. He would have cried if not for you. If not for the fact he had been with you from the moment you woke up and cried himself to sleep every night since then, he might have cried now too as you realized something he knew all this time.
Long, long ago, the baby sitting beneath your heart died together with you. It had been both of your wishes to carry out this child. To have a family with it, love it, see it grow. There was no amount of words to describe how regretable the whole situation had turned out to be. The fight, the separation... your sickness. It could have been prevented. Maybe if he... had he...
Curling his hands into fists on your back, Asra leaned down, burying his face in your hair and taking deep breaths. He’s been over it so many times. Had he not left, you might not have gotten the plague. Your child could have lived, and you too could have survived the disaster. Or if you had gone with him, you two would now live a happy family life somewhere else. But no matter the amount of pushing the blame around, it wouldn’t change the past anymore.
It hurt. Both of you were terribly hurting, but what mattered was the here and now. Asra had put his own needs back so far to tend to you, help you out of your memory loss and regain your independence, he’d not stop looking after you now. He’d hurt some more later. Alone.
“You couldn’t have known how it would end.”
“I should have!” you reflected, bumping a fist into his chest, angry at yourself. But the anger quickly subsided into more sadness, your hand opening with your palm dragging down his shirt in exhaustion. “I should have been more careful and looked after myself. I should have gone with you and stayed safe. I was pregnant, and I failed you both!”
Your cries only grew louder as your self-blame festered. Asra pulled you even closer, helplessly, wishing he could do more. Wishing he could somehow take those specific memories from you so you wouldn’t have to remember them. But it was a selfish thought. It would do you no good to forget such an important part of your life, now that you were reclaiming your past as your own. The resurrection and memory loss had been enough that you’ve been through. Asra just wanted to do more for you. Maybe it would calm you if he pressed you against him tightly enough, or perhaps he just hoped to take your pain onto him if he could feel you more.
“You didn’t know. You did what you could to help people. What happened isn’t your fault, it’s--”
He cut himself off, biting his lip as he listened to your sobs. It’s mine, he almost said. He almost let it slip.
“No...” you whined, shaking off his arms to sit back. Your face was swollen from all the hot tears streaming from your eyes, your nose filled to the brim. He searched for a tissue to give you, but you grabbed his hand, shaking your head slowly. “It’s not our fault,” you mumbled, hiccuping and wiping your eyes with your hand.
This time, you looked him directly in the eyes.
“We can’t change it anymore,” you stammered, “We can do absolutely nothing, I know.”
Hiding your eyes behind a hand, the other one still holding on to him squeezed his tightly. The moment that he looked into your eyes, he saw all these emotions raging through you. From how angry you were at yourself to the loss you were trying to understand. The you now had never lost a child, but all those memories of happier times and joy had returned too, and now you had to deal with them as well, despite them not entirely being yours. Wave after wave of memory hit your body, every one of them demanding to be felt, to be accepted, and to be worked out. Until then, Asra knew they’d keep tearing you apart. How can one single being endure so much pain?
Sobs turned into sniffles before you lowered your hand again, your eyes duller now, much like when you went into a catatonic state after an emotional shock. But you were still squeezing his hand, and Asra felt terrible for the relief washing over him that you were still conscious and with him. He wouldn’t have known how to deal with you going unresponsive for who-knows-how-long. Life for him always had to go on, even if it seemed to stop for you.
“I just wish we could. Even when I know we can’t do anything, I wish I could turn back the time and make a better decision.”
“Me too,” he whispered, and you looked up at him, though this time it was Asra who was too ashamed to face you. “It’s hard,” he mumbled quietly, trying so badly to hold back.
“It’s unbearable,” you agreed, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him close this time. His hands were shaky as he placed them onto your back, burying his face in your shoulder. It was just so damn hard to be strong when you were that kind, selfless soul you had always been. When you were still the exact same person, even after all that happened, but Asra felt like he was different on so many levels from you now.
It must have been minutes, but it could also have been hours that you two remained holding each other, rocking each other back and forth. Sometimes there was silence, sometimes crying. So many tears were lost in your clothes, but every time either of you thought there couldn’t possibly be more, your body proved you otherwise.
“It’s never going away,” you sighed in one of the calm moments. You were staring outside, your head resting on top of Asra’s while he was only just calming himself. “The baby will always be with us, even if it’s not here.”
What a bittersweet reminder, Asra thought, holding you a bit tighter than before.
“I remember now...” The sniffles returned, and no deep breath you took seemed to keep you from crying. “I was thinking about baby names.”
Letting go of you, Asra leaned back. It was much less hard to face you now after all these bottled-up emotions had been unveiled and left his body with the tears. He could never have told you about how much blame he was giving himself, but Asra believed you knew. And it was the reason that you held him ever so gently.
“Do you want to hear them?” you whispered, and Asra nodded. He already knew there was going to be a name that felt right. The one that fit and connected with the soul of his child. The one that both of you could remember and keep in your hearts.
Asra helped you settle between his legs, leaning back against the wall behind the bed. You snuggled up to him as you slowly began to call out all the names you had come up with. There were a lot you had thought about, and Asra shared his thoughts as they came. Finding a name was unbearably painful still—the loss would never leave either of you. But for the first time, even through tears, you two had to smile as you finally found the name that fit.
Allowing you to acknowledge the first step towards healing.
The first step into your future.
