The Pain of Perception
How do you See me Seeing myself?
What does it mean for someone to
Bear witness to my being,
For me to become utterly vulnerable in an exchange
And even feel skinless in mere passing?
What does it mean when I speak,
And water floods down my chin,
My ribs crack open,
And my heart is laid out to the cold winds
Of perception?
I don't know how to be anything other than honest.
Sometimes it makes my knees weak.
I am flesh and blood
But I feel like a ghost.
When you look at me, speak to me
I become corporeal,
Something you can touch and know and remember.
How terrifying.
What if I mess up?
What if you hate what you find?
Then what does that make me?
Would that define me
And line the outer edges of my body
In a mixture of coal and sulfur?
Would it draw a circle of salt around me,
A fortress in which I could never escape?
How am I supposed to be seen
When I spent so long hiding
...Yet it's all I've ever wanted?
How am I supposed to be seen
When I was punished for existing?
When I was almost killed for being Wrong?
My soul is yearning
But my brain is burning.
I am afraid to branch out,
Feeling as if I'm drowning
In something thick and viscous.
Oil drains deep into my lungs
And I am terrified I'm going to cough it up
All over you.
I'm scared it will catch fire
Until it burns both of us to nothing,
The way things fall apart
When someone is intrinsically Wrong.
But this is okay.
I deserve to be seen.
I deserve to be known.
So I accept this drowning is temporary,
But this sense of community is forever...
And I keep walking forward.
I have to, don't I?
Because despite it all,
Someone with a heart as bright as mine
Will still burn away all those shadows eventually.
Perception is painful
When you've lived most of your life as a ghost.
But I deserve to be heard.
But I deserve to be loved.
So maybe I'll burn in a different way.
