Self love. Self growth. And my guide BEEside me.
Before my 26th birthday, I was suffering from so much anxiety. Growing up, I always saw myself as a failure. Even the smallest thing, I cannot do it right. I get scolded, and that makes me feel bad about myself more. I feel so ugly all the time. Everyone doesn't want to befriend me. Also, I felt like I was so dumb because I am bad at academics. Actually, not bad. Average. But you don't get compliments for being average.
When my father introduced The Secret (the Law of Attraction) in high school, my life changed. Applying this law made everything simple. My anxiety has lessened. But when I got to college, anxiety always visited me again, and it got worse. And the worst attacks came after my dad died. I'm always drunk. I'm always pissed. I was angry with the world. I self-harm. It was bad. I appeared happy like a regular person to everyone, but I was broken.
I've been in a battle since then. I cried to sleep. I was even crying while I was working. My colleagues asked me why I space out most of the time. I always overthink things. There was always a riot in my head. I was always tired. Tired of everything. And just wanted to end everything.
I tried to cope with the situation, and even in that state of being, I faced other people with a smile. I had to force myself to get up every day because there were people counting on me. Holding on to me. Even if I can't hold any longer. I had to carry them to save them from what I am suffering. I have to prepare them for the worst that may come. I fought for my life against the monster inside me for other people. I was thankful for everyone who told me their stories; that fed my purpose in life when it was too thin; that fueled the fire to keep me fighting for life.
Then came a day when I thought I wanted to free myself from the cage of my thoughts. I realized I was too hard on myself. I want to fix myself. I used the law of attraction again. I tried to avoid bad thoughts. I diverted my attention and made myself focus on good things. Good music. Funny movies. Facebook break. Major Facebook break, my friends. Really . For more than a year, I didn't use Facebook. Also, be with good people. Choose what to listen to or to whom you should listen; what words that I hear should I accept or absorb. Filter the beneficial and dispose the bullshit scrapes. Then I came across this book. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and Everything is Fucked by Mark Manson. It is a good book. Really helped me a lot.
After my 26th, the flip happened. I don't know how. I just woke up one day, and everything feels right. I appreciated every little thing in life. I learned to be content with what I have and who I am. I focused on my dreams and goals and not those of others. I did the things I wanted, not what others wanted to see in me. So many good things happened.
I practiced a healthy way of living. Well, I don't do that perfectly, but as you continuously do it, I could notice a difference. Good difference.
I've been so hard on myself. All this time, what I think other people think of me is what I think about myself. It took me so many years. It took me decades, actually, to gain this freedom from the torture of my own mind. Well, we cannot keep ourselves away from anxiety since it is just hiding in our veins. But we have to learn how to deal with them when they bother to visit.
How many times have I mentioned 'I' and 'myself' in here? I never had this chance to talk about myself. This time, it's all about me. Periodt.
This tattoo serves as a trophy for the galaxy I built for myself. I will guard this, whatever it takes. The construction is still ongoing, but I guarantee the foundation is strong enough for whatever storm may hit.
I love myself more than anyone else. I will continue to grow as a person and learn more about life. There is so much in life to be excited about. I will make this through with you Beeside me.
❤️🏵️🐝
