My name is Thabang Sekape. I'm an introvert who can be a narcissist sometimes. I've been made fun of, been beat up, been teased and called names and I sometimes question my existence. I never had love from my father because the coward wasn't there. I get anxiety whenever I'm in front of a big crowd and people just scare me. I have an imperfect relationship with my family and friendships are hard to maintain. I have insecurities and I'm judged daily. I find it hard to like myself and I'm hopelessly crazy about this one girl who doesn't want me, but that's okay. [ it's not ]. I forgive everyone except myself and maybe that's why my mom tried to kill me. Yeah, that's my life.
Before you go through with this, the choice to either give us another chance, whenever that may be, or to let us go completely, I want to take you back through the journey of us. To the memories that shaped what we were, what we are, and what we could still be.
Before you go through with this, I want to remind you of October 31st, 2022.
The very first day I saw you at the TDG offices. You were wearing a white crop top, blue jeans, and those white Crocs, and in that moment, I thought I had just witnessed perfection itself. I remember feeling as if my chest tightened, like the air had been pulled right out of me. Even Kutlo and Lefa couldn’t ignore it, teasing me and saying, “Thabang, she looks like your type, you should talk to her.”
That day, I hadn’t even planned to be there. I was on leave, tired, grumpy, and reluctant to come in. But something, call it fate, destiny or God pushed me to go, and I am forever grateful it did. I found myself making up a silly excuse, handing you my number for something so unnecessary, when the truth was, I didn’t need that receipt. What I truly needed, Amanda, was you.
Before you go through with this, I want to remind you of November 9th, 2022.
The very first time you came to my house, just before Golf Day. You weren’t feeling well, you had the flu, your nose was runny, you had a little cough, but even then, to me, you were still the most beautiful person I had ever laid eyes on.
Seeing you again since that first office encounter didn’t feel strange at all. It felt like I had known you for years, like you’d always been a part of my life. You settled into my space so naturally, helping me run errands, never once complaining, never once making me feel like you’d rather be anywhere else. And the entire time, I couldn’t stop thinking, “This woman… this is someone I could easily spend my days with, every single day, without end.”
Before you go through with this, I want to remind you of November 13th, 2022.
The day we first kissed. You came over to the Tlokweng house where Kutlo and I were. I cooked for you both, though admittedly, it wasn’t my best meal, but all I could think about was wanting Kutlo to leave, so I could finally be alone with you.
Later, after grabbing Chateau’s from the bar and saying goodbye to Kutlo, you and I returned to the house. We sipped our drinks and watched a movie, and the tension was undeniable. I wanted so badly to kiss you, but I was afraid, shy, uncertain if you wanted me too. And then, when we moved into the bedroom to watch something on the laptop, Netflix asked us “Are you still watching?” and in between that question, you leaned in and kissed me.
That kiss changed everything. In that instant, I knew I never wanted to kiss anyone else again. I still dream about your lips, about how warm they made me feel, how safe and right it felt to be that close to you. That night, more happened, things I’ll keep PG-13 here, but the truth is, no one else in this world could ever make me feel that kind of connection again. Being vulnerable with you felt natural, like it was exactly where I was meant to be.
Before you go through with this, I want to remind you of December 10th, 2022.
The first time I told you I love you. We had gone to Molapo Crossing to watch football with Kutlo, and Motez had joined us with his female best friend. You questioned how he could be so comfortable with her while having a girlfriend, and it made me realize how much you saw and understood about loyalty, about love.
That day, you wore a short, tight multicolored dress, and forgive me for repeating myself, but you looked unbelievably sexy. I couldn’t keep my hands off you, and when we got back home, in the kitchen, while Tshosa and Z were still around, we kissed. And right there, I said the words: “I love you.”
I don’t say those words lightly. In fact, I rarely say them at all, especially not so soon. But love has a way of sneaking up on you, unplanned, unannounced. And with you, Amanda, it didn’t feel rushed. It felt peaceful, safe, like home. From that moment, I knew that no matter what happened, nothing else mattered as long as I had you.
Before you go through with this, I want to remind you of December 17th, 2022.
The very first time we went out together at Luna Rosa. You wore a white top with blue pants, and I’ll be honest, those pants drove me crazy. Not that you don’t look incredible in everything, but that day, Amanda, I could hardly think straight.
While you were seated, I excused myself, saying I needed the bathroom. Instead, I rushed to Pick n Pay, grabbed a bottle of champagne and flowers, and came back to surprise you. The look on your face when I placed those flowers in front of you is something I’ll never forget. I told myself then: “I will buy her flowers every single month, just to see that glow again.” And I miss that. I miss giving you flowers, knowing that even the simplest gesture could remind you that you were loved every day.
Before you go through with this, I want to remind you of December 25th, 2022.
Christmas Day. The first time I came to your house. We had just come back from Palapye with Tshosa, Z, and Gwen, collecting your things before heading out for your gran’s birthday lunch.
Walking into your home in Oodi that day, I realized something important, that no matter how far it was from where I lived, I would always make that trip for you. Whether it was to bring you food when you hadn’t cooked, to show up with your favorite meal, to deliver flowers, or even to hand you 20 “open when” letters… I knew right then, there was nothing I wouldn’t do to make you smile.
Before you go through with this, I want to remind you of September 1st, 2023.
The day we moved in together at Tsholofelo East. I had never lived with someone I was dating before, and it was both terrifying and exhilarating. But the thought of waking up beside you, spending every day with you, falling asleep next to you, it felt like a dream I never wanted to end.
I realized something about myself during that time: I had never wanted to spend so much time with someone before you. With you, even 24 hours in a day never felt enough. Some mornings, I’d wake up just to watch you, to pinch myself and make sure it was real. That home wasn’t just a place we stayed, it was ours. A glimpse into the kind of future I wanted with you, and still want.
Before you go through with this, I want to remind you of June 10th, 2024.
Our very first anniversary. I pretended to have work early in the morning, when in truth, I was out collecting décor, preparing a surprise. With your friend’s help, I managed to set up something beautiful at home while you were out.
When you walked in, confused, unsure if you were even in the right place, the look on your face filled me with joy I can never forget. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, to give you love that felt magical, surprises that made you wonder how I pulled them off. To love you in ways that you never imagined, to show you that you are worth the effort, the time, the world.
Before you go through with this, I want to remind you of August 27th, 2025.
By now, after we split, I stopped wearing rubber bands. Back then, you always noticed them, always reminded me to take them off. And it wasn’t just about the bands, it was about the way you paid attention to me, the way you saw me completely, from head to toe. That was your way of showing me love, of showing me that I mattered.
I don’t wear them anymore because I don’t want anyone else to notice, or to care. That attention was yours, Amanda. And I don’t want it from anyone else.
Present
So, before you go through with this, I want to remind you of everything we shared, the laughter, the joy, the arguments, the lessons, the love. These memories are ours, and I will never let go of them.
I know you feel you have to decide, to walk away or to try again. But Amanda, I love you. In a way that is so big, so deep, so unwavering, it scares me sometimes. You are the greatest part of my life, and I don’t ever want to lose that.
If you choose to try again, I promise, no more games, no more lies. Only the purest love, the strongest assurance, and the deepest security I can give. Let me show you what it means to be loved in full, without fear. Let me give you the best version of me.
Before you go through with this, let these memories flood you, let them remind you that we still have a story worth telling. I promised you love, a future, a marriage, a life together. Those promises remain, because nothing, nothing, could ever take them away.
Amanda, if you let me fight for you, I will. I’ll fight with patience, with consistency, and with love. I’ll earn back your trust, and I’ll earn back your love, not with words alone, but with actions that prove I am the man you can rely on, the man who will never take you for granted again.
I believe that God doesn’t make mistakes. He aligned our paths once before, and if it’s in His will, He can align them again. I trust that the same God who brought us together can also restore what we had, and make it even stronger, even purer than before.
And when that day comes when you’re ready to give us another try, you don’t need to explain, you don’t need to write me a long message. Just send me a single text saying — “3000.”
That’s all I’ll need to know. With that one word, I’ll understand that you’re ready, and I’ll be there, ready to love you again, from the very beginning, with everything I am.
She awoke inside a bed that felt like an ocean she couldn’t swim across.
The right-hand corner was empty, but she could still imagine it:
his feet curling inward as he rolled toward her yesterday morning, the quilt lifting and settling with his breath. Now the quilt lay flat and cold, the distance between her and that corner feeling wider than any stretch of sea, the silence pressing in like water against her ears.
The house smelled faintly of coffee and coconut, yet the air was heavy with silence. Yesterday had been a morning without words, the sound of him slowly sipping coffee in bed louder than anything either of them might have said. Her own sobs had filled the space later, pressed into the sleeve of her beige sweater.
She had smiled when she said goodbye last night. A small, careful smile. She wanted him to remember her happy, even if the truth trembled behind the gold fleck in her green eyes.
Now she was awake and awake meant she had to move.
She scrubbed the counter until it was spotless. She folded and refolded laundry that didn’t need folding. She opened her notebook and scribbled half-thoughts, half-lists, and forever dreams. She waited for the message <<home safe>> and when it arrived, she kept going.
The house was still full of him. She saw him leaning in the hallway with her cat cradled in his arms. She saw him at the sink, hips swaying and whistle flowing in time to a song on their playlist. She saw him stretched across the couch with a book balanced on his chest. Each vision was a tide she couldn’t step out of, pulling her under again and again, the pull both gentle and relentless.
By noon, the light through the curtains had shifted to a pale, dusty gold. She sat staring at the ring of coffee in her mug, and thought: Nobody talks about this. Distance wasn’t only longing. It was grief, the kind that seeped into everything and marked it as his, even the air she breathed.
Hours passed like that. Afternoon slid into evening. Her body went through the motions; dishes, phone calls, emails, reheated leftovers – all while her mind kept drifting to the space he had left behind.
By night, she was exhausted but not tired.
She lay in bed, phone cradled to her ear. His voice came through low and steady, reading something she barely followed, the cadence rolling in her mind like waves against a distant shore. She placed the phone on his pillow, the glow spilling across the sheets like the shadow of his body.
Panic rose suddenly, sharp in her chest. Her arms reached for him before her mind caught up to the distance. She whispered his name, the one she used when it was only them.
“There she is,” he murmured, his voice warm through the crackle. “I’m here. You’re safe.”
Her body softened into the sheets. The glow dimmed. And for a while, the grief loosened its grip.
But the truth was this had become her way of living… half a human, drifting in the deep, anchored in a life suspended between memory and presence. She knew she would see him again, but even the promise of land on the horizon didn’t still the waters around her. Until he returned, she would keep swimming through the same vast ocean, carrying its salt in her lungs, each breath tasting faintly of him, waiting for the day the waves part and she can finally whisper, "there he is".
In the past two months, I’ve lost a three year relationship with someone I saw a future with. White picket fence, two kids running around the yard and giving her everything she ever wanted out of life.
I’ve lost my job, which I’ve been working at for 5+ years.
I’ve been in and out of hospital since February.
And the crazy thing is, losing my job, my health… none of those amount to the pain and suffering of losing her.
And my friends? Or my family? Nobody is really checking up on me. I feel so alone. I feel so abandoned and I have nobody to talk to.
And I’m trying so hard. I’m trying so hard to have faith and see that light at the end of the tunnel but God, do I wish on some days that death could come over night for me.
But even then, in the moments I do wish for death, I hope it’s kind enough to me to allow me to say goodbye to her. Not even for her to change my mind or try convince me on my decision, but just to thank her for 3 peaceful years that I probably didn’t deserve with her.
But God, i promise with everything in me, I tried so hard to be deserving of her.
It’s actually so crazy how you don’t realize how alone you really are until you’re at your lowest point in life and nobody is checking up on you.
I’ve had the worst two months of my life and i needed my friends and they completely abandoned me.
What’s worse is, I’m always showing up for them. There can’t say there has been an incident in their lives where they were going through something and I was not there for them.
I’m not one to believe in miracles or have the slightest notion that they even exist, but something of a miracle did happen early this morning.
Now usually, my phone remains on ‘do not disturb’ mode, which means any incoming messages and calls, they don’t make a sound when they come in.
So as I was preparing to sleep, something in my head told me “switch off your do not disturb. Just incase she calls tonight”.
And you know what? She called exactly 5 minutes later. I don’t know if you want to call that a miracle or Gods plan but man, did I need that call. Just to hear her voice, hear her say “I miss you”.
I don’t believe in miracles, but I do believe in whatever that was last night.
But it doesn't always roll that way. I'm hoping one day, when you play the video I’ll send back, you’ll understand.
I hope families are reunited, I hope we get it back and something like a normal version of the life for everyone has been restored, if there ever was such a thing. God, what a world.
If you told me a few years ago that we would be here, you know, to this extent, I mean, I wouldn't have been surprised, but come on. So I thought I better record a little video, in the case of an untimely departure, on my part. I mean, not that departures at any time aren’t untimely.
I’ve gotten myself in quite some trouble and all of that will soon come into light, and you’ll hear all about it. With everything happening, it's got me scratching my head about the survivability of it all. Then again that's the hero gig. Part of the journey is the end.
What am I even tripping for though. Everything's gonna workout exactly the way it's supposed to.
So when you get that recording, don't post it on social media. It's gonna be a real tearjerker. I don't know if you're ever gonna see that video, but I’ll try make sure that you do. You know, if it wasn't for the existential terror of steering into the literal void of space, I'd say i found a way out of those problems. And things are going to be okay and that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel but Uh, but it's now dead in the water.
I know I said no more surprises or lies but I gotta say, I was really hoping to pull off one last one. But it looks like... well, you know what it looks like. Don't feel bad about this. I'm mean, actually, if you move on for a while and look back a couple weeks... maybe you’ll be okay.
Everything… everything just got a bit too much for me and I didn’t see a way out of these problems and I didn’t want you being caught up in them.
So I lied, and lied, and pushed you to the point where you had to let me go so you wouldn’t be implicated or be part of the problems I’ve caused for myself. You said I was nonchalant about the break up, you were right. And you’ll find out why.
What I did last week, sending the fake picture and promising money, was all part of the plot.
So it’s fine… it’s fine… I’ve done the best to ensure that you do move on away from me and you live your own life away from me while I try sort out my mess.
But everything I did, was to always give you a better life or at least the best part of the life I thought you deserved.
You’ll understand better when I do send the video but god, I hope you find peace knowing that I tried by all means to get things right but unfortunately all the problems caught up to me and my day of reckoning has finally come.
“I know we haven’t talked for a long while, and I know you pretty much forgot about me at this point. But I hope you’re happy with whatever you’re doing. I hope you find someone who will love you as much as I did. And I hope you find happiness within yourself. Even if we did end up having a fallout, I hope you’re doing what you love and find true happiness. Even if it’s without me.”
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