A Fresh Start
Thatās all what we want from life sometimes right? A fresh start. To begin again. A new job, move somewhere new, a new apartment/house. Right now that what Iām doing with my Tumblr. Iām rebranding and making it my own. Iām gonna be more active on here and post more! Not just shares from my Instagram, but ACTUAL BLOG POSTS! WHAAAAATTTTTT!?!? Craig you crazy! You might say but Iāve gone through a lot of shit and I really donāt have an outlet to vent to except my wife but I donāt wanna be a broken record with her. So Iāll probably pop up on here occasionally and bitch about my anxiety, depression, people I cant fucking stand. You know normal Tumblr things. No one I know really follows me on here anyway and if they do they donāt actually read my shit. I like it that way honestly. I can be myself and be an open book instead of hiding behind a persona that Iāve grown to hate and show people the real me. The me no one knows about.Ā
I struggle with Anxiety and Depression. I know who doesnāt these days, but Iām not ashamed of it and I try to not let it define me. I am going to get help though. Itās gotten real bad over the last year and it time to stop thinking I have to control it on my own. I guess Iāve always had these but I would just repress them over the years. My wife has told me Iāve been this way pretty much as long as sheās known me. Every now and then I get glimpses of memories where Iām freaking out and shes by my side comforting me and making sure Iām ok, or staying up with me on the phone through a panic attack until I fell asleep. So yeah just one thing can break you and now Iām fully aware that I need help. I need to get this thing under control before it really starts interfering with my everyday life. I mean it already has and I hate it. Iām already an introvert and again my mom told me I never was but I remember spending all my time in my room alone or with one or two friends. I never had a big group of friends. I kept my circle small. I was never one to invite the whole fucking school over for anything but again I not an introvert its all in my head. My circle of friends is still small. Actually smaller now since my friendship only really matters to a select few now. But thatās a different blog post. So back to what I was actually talking about, Iām getting help. I wanna be the best father to my beautiful, intelligent daughter. Who is seriously the best and its sad that no one actually sees how amazing she really is. I wanna be the best husband to my incredible supportive wife who always has my back when I seem to not have my own back. I already feel like I fucked up as a son and a human being with my parents. I mean Iām 30 years old and I feel like I still need to win their approval for something. So my goal is to become better for MY family. No one else but them. They are my rock and will always be there for me. My daughter already knows when Iām feeling bad and it kinda bothers me. But then at the same time Iām so happy she knows because she knows a hug and kiss from her always makes daddy feel better. So when I feel I donāt have anyone those two know how to pick me up and make me feel semi normal again.
So hereās to my soon to be new normal! I canāt wait to get these damn chemicals back in balance in my brain so I stop feeling like a fucking failure because Iām sad or Iām worried and anxious that I am in fact a failure at life. Luckily Iāve never been in my lowest of lows and I plan to never be that low thatās why Iām trying to nip this thing in the bud now. I was never one to go n medication for this kind of thing but Iāve seen how it has helped people and how theyāve done a complete 180 with everything so now Iām more open and I feel good about doing this and helping myself become a better person!
