ILLUMINATE

-25 yrs.-

[thecrewsexperience]

Ungrateful sons of bitches

[quotemadness]

You either like me or you don’t. It took me twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else.

Daniel Franzese (via quotemadness)

[northgang]

[thecrewsexperience]

Say it again

[thecrewsexperience]

Joker

Was incredible, I’m only salty I didn't make it. The only time I felt like someone created a movie based on how I viewed society. 

[quotemadness]

“If people want to let you go, just let them do it. They may not understand who you are. So don’t play around with fire; don’t give them their cake and let them eat it too. Here is your rule of thumb: they either commit to you or get none of you.”

— Joey Furjanic

[quotemadness]

“I know that the thing under my bed doesn’t exist. But I also know that if I keep my feet under the blanket, it won’t grab my ankle.”

— Stephen King

[quotemadness]

“I heard them talking but I did not listen.”

— Ernest Hemingway

[quotemadness]

“If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.”

— Charles Bukowski

[quotemadness]

“I fall in love with ideas and fantasies rather than whole beings and then I sit here and wonder why I’m still alone. It’s because I don’t f*cking pay attention. I’m too busy thinking about tomorrow that today falls through the cracks.”

— Ryan O'Connell

[quotemadness]

“Everyone underestimates their own life. Funny thing is, in the end, all our stories…they’re the same. In fact, no matter where you go in the world, there is only one important story: of youth, loss and yearning for redemption. So we tell the same story, over and over. Only the details are different.”

— Rohinton Mistry

[thecrewsexperience]

Prologue

I've spent the last 6 years trying to be someone I wasn't.

Then I redid this blog cuz i didn't feel like going down the rabbit hole of self loathing. I've allowed people to disrespect me from strangers, friends and even family. My self worth at an all time low that I didn't even want to live anymore until last week.

10 years of therapy couldn't heal what a 2 hrs and 30 minute movie did. I watched a man spend an entire movie obsessed with his goal and did any and everything to obtain it and that's when the light bulb became lit. I tried to become a chameleon to society and just blend in with all this fake shit care fest. I tried to soften my stance and show empathy just to be spat on. Got family work only for them to shit on me, borrowed money to friends to get their vehicle out of impound only to become an afterthought, had family who couldn't even show up to my wedding but sure knows how to find me when they need money and I stretched my hands to help them all because it was the "right thing". Life isn't fair is it but I've always felt I had an obligation to help people, but I've turned into a crutch and once they're back on their feet I'm discarded.

So here we are, I showed nothing but love but to get hate and entitlement in return and like a black mom would say "I'm gonna give you something to cry about". The bridge is over.

I have a job but it's time to chase a career. I have friends but I need a team. I'm brilliant but what's having knowledge when people can't comprehend you?

I feel liberated just putting this out here.

"I know what it's like to lose. To feel so desperately that you're right, yet to fail nonetheless. It's frightening, turns the legs to jelly. I ask you to what end? Dread it. Run from it. Destiny arrives all the same. And now it's here. Or should I say, I am."

Run.

[thecrewsexperience]

In Positive News

I met Nick Castle at the Motor City Comic Con and he was cool. For non horror fans, Nick Castle was the original Michael Meyers from Halloween. I have his autograph! Next up Kane Hodder @ Galaxy Con!

[thecrewsexperience]

Epilogue

“ Today I have lost more than you could ever know. But now is no time to mourn. Now... is no time at all. “- Thanos (Infinity War)

    I never felt more alive than when I was booed at my high school graduation by a row of niggas who bullied me back in 9th grade, like one final fuck you before I exit to adulthood which felt poetic. Since leaving high school I’ve wandered through life seeking purpose and every few years my major would change or I would contemplate leaving college and trying to find the “thing” that I would spend the rest of my life doing, then I found it in 2011. 

 Power is my paint brush and the world is my canvas, changing it with each stroke of the brush to fit my vision.

[thecrewsexperience]

I thought that by eliminating half of life, the other half would thrive. But you have shown me... that's impossible. As long as there are those that remember what was, there will always be those that are unable to accept what can be. They will resist.

Thanos

[hatin]

How do u deal with your problems?

I don’t 

[psychoticful]

“Why do I remember this place as so bad? Because that is how you remember your entire childhood. You painted the whole thing with a shit brush, but it is not true.” Always Be My Maybe (2019)

[im-at-matthews-daddarios-deacti]

Thor: Ragnarok (2017) // Captain Marvel (2019)

[thecrewsexperience]

Two best music choices for these scenes