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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
YOU ARE THE REASON
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AnasAbdin
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祝日 / Permanent Vacation
Claire Keane
Today's Document
if i look back, i am lost
roma★
NASA
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Acquired Stardust
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@thedevilpossessed
i hate this week i hate this week i hate the thought of getting blackout rages and losing sleep and getting so sick with anxiety about the stupidest most banal meaningless shit on a daily basis all this month but i'm suddenly smacked into meeting my rapist face to face for the first time in years and i feel next to nothing
man. the very very very Very specific type of dysphoria i get in rly openly sexual and very clearly gender segregated spaces where i know i belong to one group but i also know that i look like i belong to the other and both would accept me and both would reject me and i have no idea where i'm supposed to go so i just aimlessly drift i GUESS
its interesting to see what new triggers will arise while working on boundaries again hsdfjkgsdfg like the way having to repeat myself when it comes to reasserting something i've already said once freaks me the FUCK out (but its getting easier with each instance which is fanTASTIC woohoo)
idk how long i can last if this keeps up in all honesty like i can't imagine having to suffer through this for the rest of my life. it feels so fucking bizarre to be forced to realize that i might just be. too sick to work most of the jobs im able to get rn like idk what im gonna do when im finally forced to quit this place. idk what im gonna do when i can't depend on people for support anymore. like if i don't get rich rn uhhhhhhhhhhhhh
been a long time since my brain got so fucked up i started losing lucidity lmfao i did not miss it
splitting against one person is fine (no its not) but when you start splitting with 2+ people and they're all in the same space as you and your brain starts setting itself on fire every few seconds as its newly triggered by having to witness 💢them💢 and you're just forced to withstand just how crazy you are as you further isolate yourself away from them and everyone who pisses you off for literally no reason because your brain is dumb and stupid and pissy... god.
need to figure out how to talk about what happened today so i can process it better but also not wanting to say it out loud aa
Are you still alive? (I really hope so💕).
aw!!!! hi there darling 🖤 yep, still kicking!!! i took a huge break from tumblr but i'm slowly coming back now and i'm doing loads better 🥰🥰 🥰 hope you're feeling lovely too, thank you for such a cute message omfg 😘✨
god imagine my mental state if i spent an entire year without having someone absolutely fucking obsessed with me
getting guilt-tripped makes me want to fucking explode because i almost always see RIGHT through an emotional manipulation attempt like it’s not fucking hard to notice and i resent it so much i resent it soooooooo much like guilt-trips never get me GUILTY they just fill me with so much fucking HATRED that they even tried that shit with me and for months i’ve just been stewing in that fucking loathing because i refuse to give into it and i hate that i have to even be faced with it
there are so many questions i end up asking myself that i’ll never know the answer to like how many others were there? what did he do to them? was he ever caught? was he ever caught??? is he fucking dead??????? what if i didnt get away? did the others get away?? how many others were there??? was the picture of the girl he showed me dead???? dear god how many people were there god i could’ve died goddddddddddddd
i hate using drugs to cope partially cuz it feels icky but mostly because then im gonna run out of my drugs real quick and not even for a fun reason
i love looking through a million therapy resources with all of them pointing out the obvious like... yes you’re manipulative to Cope yes you compulsively lie constantly to Cope yes you freeze up and shut down and do anything and everything you can to please people To Cope... without actually telling me what to do to stop doing all of the above like thanks a lot
