The Disappointing Artist

I know that you're an artist, you're the hardest one to deal with. Everything that you conceal is revealed on your canvas. You find all of your ugly meanings in the things I find beautiful. Do you see the fall is coming? Come, I'm falling into you. You painted me in pastel, colors that don't tell of any boldness. That's the way you'd love to see me: so delicate, so weak, so little purpose. But your eyes are drawn of charcoal they're black, they're so cold, they're so imperfect. Because they see a sleeping world, where waking isn't worth it.

[l0veyourselfirst]

Cyrano (2021), dir. Joe Wright

[librarysghost]

“Beauty is terror. Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it.”

Donna Tartt “the secret history”

[beba1510]

[velcroheartstrings]

“Heartbreak never truly goes away. Eventually, you stop crying yourself to sleep and the self-blame will dim. The questions as to why you weren’t good enough along with all that lost time spent in the shower retracing your last conversation will also stop too. However, it will not be easy. You are still going to wake up with them in your mind for weeks to come and similarly, they will be all you can think about before you sleep. Heartbreak is a bit like love in that respect, you think about them constantly except the thoughts are painful this time around. Indeed, there are moments where you find shelter from these thoughts, a hot chocolate with a friend or an essay that requires your full attention. Your favourite song will come on but then that shuffled sad song will follow and trigger the thoughts all over again. This is inevitable so when it catches you off guard, let it all out. Do all you must to wash away the sadness. Call a friend, bake some cookies, go and lie on the floor with your dog and tell him you’re glad he wouldn’t ever hurt you like this. Your heart will miss them so much it will use any excuse to search for them. The same model car they have will drive by while you are laughing away with your friends and suddenly you cannot breathe. You might see someone with the same curly hair or the way the person sitting in front of you on the bus drums their fingers to a song will remind you of them. This too, is inevitable. Try to appreciate these small quirks because regardless of where you have ended up, these were once pieces of a puzzle that led to you falling in love and that is a beautiful thing. Most importantly of all, you are going to want to run to them. You are going to want to share your day- whether it be good or bad- purely out of habit. You will miss the way they told you terrible jokes or sent you pictures of your favourite breed dog just to bring a smile to your face for the first time that day. You will miss how excited they got when you were excited- how happy they got when you were happy. Allow yourself to grieve this absence but remind yourself that they aren’t the only person who would be willing to devote so much effort to cheering you up. Let your loved ones know you’re sad and soak in the warmth of their kind words. And then, suddenly, a few weeks have passed and you think of them for the first time in three days and you realise that you are healing. You start to fill your time with people and things that make you happy. You suddenly crave adventure and new experiences and anything that makes you feel alive again. You stop beating yourself up and start to defend your corner like you are your own best friend. You put your hands up and admit your contribution to the downfall of it all but the difference is, you refuse to defend them any longer. You validate your pain and tell yourself that it is okay to hurt and that you just need time- the art of healing requires the same patience as a few broken bones. The bond with your friends will strengthen if you let them in- please let them in. Spend time with them and regularly express how much you appreciate them. Feel good about telling loved ones that you love them. Do not shy away from this term because your heart is broken. Please remind yourself that this is not the end for you. Do not console yourself with the whole there are other fish in the sea rubbish because I know that despite how much pain they have caused, you still want them and you will continue to want them for a very long time. Instead, console yourself with the thought that your heart may be in two right now but bones do that sometimes and with a little support, healing is inevitable. My darling, to break may not be beautiful while you’re going through it but it is, don’t you see? Even a glow stick has to crack to shine; think of how proud you will be when one day you can smile at yourself in the mirror and mean it again.”

— Heartbreak 101.

[laclefdescoeurs]

Roses de Wargemont, 1882, Pierre-Auguste Renoir

[thedisappointingartist]

There’s this street light that shines through my blinds at night. I can’t sleep well because it. The light keeps me up which keeps me with my thoughts. Thoughts that are usually masked during the day or by sleep, but are unveiled in the silent night. I wish my thoughts were silent. Fucking street light.

[purplebuddhaproject]

“it’s necessary for me sometimes just to be alone and quiet and doing nothing.”

— Charles Bukowski (via purplebuddhaquotes)

[longnightsandsambuca]

Loving someone who isn’t meant for you breaks your soul.

- C. H.

[paintedout]

  Cy Twombly, Untitled (Roma), 1962

[runwithcourage]

[fotojournalismus]

[thedisappointingartist]

“I hope you think of me...”

This cover is one of my favs. So good. @taylorswift

[nickmiller]

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

“She was in a winter-black mood, she was bleeding fury and icy loveliness,”

— Georges Rodenbach, from “Clouds of Light, in a Diamond Mist,” wr. c. 1880

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

“𝘉𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳, I told myself. 𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮. 𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘴𝘱 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘴𝘭𝘪𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘴. 𝘍𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮.”

— Margaret Atwood, from “The Penelopiad,” written c. October 2005

[faithistobeawake]

You say the sun doesn’t shine for you; I hope you’re learning that’s not true, in time.

“Woman” Mumford & Sons

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

I’d never seen you unkempt before… as you whispered “Darling close the door.” Well how, have I not made a note of every word you ever said? Time, is not on our side but I pretend that it’s alright… before you leave, you must know you are beloved.