Be a light in a too often dim world. @velcroheartstrings - Tumblr Blog

The same tiny hands that once clung to my mother's finger were raised to be kind until that fateful night. They had grown tired of carrying the heaviness of the world- homelessness, world hunger, climate change- realities of the masses I could not save; so many to help and so little time with no direction on how best to spend this one precious life. I held a candle for others for so long above my head I did not notice how far into my own darkness I had ventured. The violence unleashed itself in the form of red first; a little pain before bed to release the torture inside my head. Once soft and gentle hands were now my biggest enemy, spurring me on to self destruct until my head arrived at a final remedy. Twenty six tiny white pills caused more heartbreak in the eyes of the ones I loved than I had ever endured. I was so sure I was ready to exit this world by my own hand when what I really needed was a hand to hold. When you feel all alone with no hope at all, reach for a hand that loves you and let yourself find safety in that warmth.

I stand here barefoot looking out to sea, praying the clouds do not aspire to be as heavy as my heart as I fear I will not survive such a tsunami despite how strong a swimmer I may be. I ponder how life would be as a wave whereby the only responsibility falling upon it is to repetitively run away from the shore only to lap back to kiss it like first loves in a playground. How seemingly menial such an existence would be yet if every wave possessed this very mindset, floods of existential depression would drive the entire sea to come to a standstill. The true magic of this life- contrary to what capitalism tricks us into believing- is to merely enjoy the beauty of human existence. The next time you find yourself in knots of stress regarding the pressure to conjure up this grand contribution to the world to prove your worthiness, remind yourself that a sunset merely exists with no particular purpose yet its impact is so profound it may be the only thing inspiring many people, much like I, sometimes- to live another day.

Lazy summer days never felt right without you. Bounding through lavender fields did not compare to the calm you infused my senses with; the same way the scorching sun could not warm my skin like your touch. I have only ever known the July wind to gently kiss my body like the sun did my cheeks but in your absence, it haunted the crumbling chambers that tamed the beast: a heart that did not care whether it beat.

my lavender

Coming back home to you was like being able to taste food again after surviving a bout of flu. You enveloped me into your arms as though I had never been away and with your warmth feeling like a cup of soup on a rainy Autumn day, my mind caught a flavour of peace again. We reminisced whilst dunking our bread and I spent the majority of our conversation with my mouth full to stop myself blurting how much I missed you and that I never wanted to face a day without you again. It seemed an hour would pass with each sip of coffee and an unspoken mutual sadness lingered on the tips of our tongues as our time was almost up. We ought to have gone our separate ways but we did not- we could not. And so we spent the night together climbing in and out the windows of eachother's hearts sharing laughter, love and all that exists inbetween. The sun arose and so did the tears since we had no choice but to say goodbye this time. The closing of the train doors did not signify the end of our story but rather a mere pause as both of our hearts knew that in order to go on beating they had to reunite soon.

It has been a year now and here I am, still unstitching you from my skin. Mostly the loops unravel themselves without me noticing but some nights, memories of the birthday cake you made for me and the kisses we shared in the rain wrap so tight around my heart I fear it will stop beating. I wonder if there will ever come a time where I am totally free of you and what exactly that thread of life looks like. I have always found comfort in the piece of string still connecting us but lately I find myself plagued by the same question: will it remain forever or is it only as long as the life I thought we would live together?

As excruciating as they may be, it is only through your darkest hours will you discover your strength. You may come out of it crawling, sobbing, bloodied and wounded but the fact of the matter is you survived it all. Nobody has the slightest clue how close you were to giving up or how many nights you clung to your pillow wishing it was you being held whilst simultaneously begging the universe to let you catch your breath just for a second. You may be scarred and it will likely always hurt to trace your fingers over them but take a moment today to look yourself in the mirror and appreciate how incredibly you weathered the storm with no umbrella or hand to hold.

Growth is a lonely, long-winded process. Nobody seems to talk about how terrifying the changes can be or the instability of treading a brand new tightrope that feels as if it is going to snap any second. Part of me wants to crawl under a huge pile of blankets and refuse to confront any aspect of life that does not offer this same level of comfort but flowers cannot grow in effortless condtions and I wish to grow so grand that I almost forget what it feels like to be a seed at all. I will persist- despite this exhaustion- gently reminding myself of all the times I had to first be planted deep in the soil before experiencing my greatest growths.

I woke at three this morning with eyes as heavy as my heart from tears of the realisation that the next chapter of my life in which you have no part in is about to begin. I watched the sunrise crack through the grey clouds while contemplating how unfair and equally a blessing it is that despite how broken our hearts may be, time does not pause for any of us. Regardless of the pain you inflicted, you should know that my love for you remains bottomless and although you will not receive a yearly happy birthday message, I will still take a moment wherever I may be and whoever I may be with to light a candle and wish you well.

I begged the universe to help ease my pain before I drifted off to sleep each night and during moments I was forced to crouch clutching my knees to remind myself I was not as alone as you made me feel. P.S- I still wanted nothing more than to be held by you.

Tobacco for the smokers Dice for the gamblers Dough for the bakers; it would appear that we are all trying to roll with life's punches through different ways.

The purpose of life is anything but to spend it pondering about your purpose.

So many poor hearts bled dry attempting to scour the ocean seeking purpose- all the while forgetting that blood is thicker than water; how can you expect guidance if you neglect to listen to the rhythm of your own beat?

It's that time of evening again where the clouds are rolling in: various shades of pale grey, blue and splashes of dusky pink glide across the sky on tip toes. I am thinking about how instantaneous moments are, passing as quickly as the clouds are right in front of me. I cannot help thinking of you in this moment and how we were once an orchestra of blues and pinks conducting the performance of a lifetime each evening until the torrential downpour wiped us out. I carried the weight of the water damage for months after and if I ponder too long, my tear tucts warn my heart to prepare for flash flooding. To love and be loved by you taught me many lessons- most paramount being how the present moment is all that matters in this life as it could all fall to pieces by the time morning breaks. I urge you to hold the one you love a little closer today, if not out of pure love then for souls just like I who are only able to access that warmth through memories now.

You came to me in a dream last night for what I imagine to be the final time. I cannot recall the details of what you were wearing or the exact manner in which you looked at me but I would have known it was you even if I was blind- from the way you felt against me. You listened as I delivered a speech comparing us to magnets and how at one point in our lives, the connection between us felt all-consuming and electric but that over time our magnetic fields changed- as they sadly often do in this funny thing we call life- and that trying to change our fate only caused us to repel further. Above all, I will remember us as the tireless blacksmiths that attempted to reform our love against all odds.

The lights have turned off again and I am using up the last of my candles to restore the life in my eyes to conceal how flammable the inside of my mind has become. Melted wax plasters bad thoughts to the walls like paper and the remains seal the doors shut. With all this redecorating going on there is no wonder why my bones feel so heavy; each morning is a battle to peel myself from under the covers. Despite the loneliness, I will keep stumbling in the dark until the light returns because even switches need rest in a life this tough. Take your time, my friend- I understand; you needn't worry about me as you always return for me in the end.

You stood and watched my face turn blue from trying not to let the demons of yours I had consumed to crawl out and of all the times I almost reached the brink of passing out, the only thing you could think to do was to sleep the day away using the pillows I had positioned to break my fall.

She sought the depths in every person she encountered, asking the questions most were too afraid of broaching. She was eager to learn every groove in the story of their lives and how this led to producing the record that it has. She was a lot like the needle that allowed these harmonies to be heard, you see, since nobody ever seemed to take the time to ask about her journey; they barely ever scratched the surface.

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Be a light in a too often dim world.