“I’ll never settle down. I want to do seasonal work with circus ring crews for the rest of my life and decorate my house with more cats.” At some point, every woman has said that to a bleary-eyed drunk over a filthy beer glass. The appeal of being single is strong. No one you have to check in with when you're out, no one stealing your French fries when you intended to eat all of them. No one combing your hair out to sew into little sweaters for their pet Sphynx. Why bother? Other people are exhausting, and once they get to know you, they think you're exhausting, too! Fuck other people, right? Well, that is until one day you’re at a bar and you meet the most neurotic person in the world and that makes you laugh, and then you can’t stop thinking about them and you realize, “Oh, wow, this is what Nicki Minaj meant when she said, ‘I floss every day but I ain't a dentist.’” You think. Either way, you’ve fallen in love, and you need to change your lifestyle to make room for somebody else, you selfish leftswipe.* But how? 1. Get it out of your system All those things you can do as a single woman? Do them. Now. You don’t know if this guy is the one and you’ll never spend an entire day masturbating to every episode of Buffy. Have all of your platonic male friends over for one last sleepover. Survive on a large pizza for a week. Delete the tumblr account that you use to look at porn gifs. From now on, your every waking moment could be walked in on by the person you want to share your life with. 2. Really get to work on those bad habits No one knows you like your lover. And as you get closer, all of those little flaws and white lies will show themselves. So, go on, and work on being a better you. Stop eating fried chicken and whole ice cream cakes in bed, and switch to kale shards and rice juice because you told him you've been eating clean for the past six months. Speaking of clean, clean your fucking room. Doing bong rips and lining up all of your concert tickets in alphabetical order on your dresser doesn’t count. 3. Make sure he knows he's important to you Your man knows that you’ve been living a crazy independent life because you told him about that time you lived in a closet in the house of a moped gang leader. And he doesn’t want to step on your toes. So, even though you're perfectly capable on your own, set up a couple of situations to let him know you don't know what you'd do without him. Store things you need frequently super high up, and throw away your step stool. If he’s shorter than you, even better. Use him as a step stool to reach high objects and show him that he’s the object of your affection. Or, better yet, develop a crippling addiction or terminal illness that requires you remain under constant supervision. Every man wants to be needed, and actions speak louder than words, etc., etc. 4. Create room in your life for another person Both emotionally and physically. Let go of all the shitty things your weird ex said about your kneecaps. Throw away all of your undies with holes that weren't placed there intentionally. Tell the bartender you see three days a week after work that you’ll be seeing each other less frequently, but thanks for all the good times. Ghost on that friend who’s always telling you what a bad person you are when she’s had a couple of martinis. Kill your pets. You're all his now. 5. Memorize the lyrics to every Nicki Minaj song ever recorded You’ll need something to scream into his face every day to wake him up. If you really love him, you will do this. This is one of the most important steps to creating a lasting, loving bond between two consenting adults. The slick rhymes and poppin’ beats of Queen Nicki are like a aphrodisiac for commitment. Even the smell of your disgusting morning breath will change, and he may be able to look you in your pasty, wretched face. Like a religious scholar memorizing a sacred text, he will be in awe of your canonic knowledge and will want to pull up in the jag and hit it with the jab like dun-d-d-dun-dun-d-d-dun-dun. *leftswipe: n. A person generally deemed undesirable on a particular dating app.
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