Dream Keys

A short story written that is inspired by listening to (and also recommended to be accompanied by) NΣΣT's Dream Keys album. Find it here. https://soundcloud.com/neet/sets/dream-keys

[thedreamkey-blog]

Teach me how to love you (Your Lie in April)

https://soundcloud.com/neet/teach-me-how-to-love-you?in=neet/sets/dream-keys

April 17th, 2016.

Today marks the one year anniversary. Exactly one year ago today, I made the decision to devote my all to one specific person. One year ago, I told myself that this person was the one that I would spend the rest of my life with. Through any hardship I faced, throughout all of the ups and downs, enduring all of the pain and suffering, I would be there by her side. I told myself that she would never break my heart. I foolishly blinded myself from what reality could deliver. 

Walls that I had broken down had now been rebuilt.

Promises that I had built together with you. Reduced to rubble. 

The life that we envisioned together..it is no longer visible. It’s disappeared.

It’s all gone.

We tried. We tried so hard. We felt. We felt much harder than we tried, however. 

Remember when we would argue? There was so much childishness and stubbornness. Why couldn’t we put aside our differences and realize that what we shared was something special? I suppose it no longer matters. These are just rhetorical questions now. 

One year ago, today. I made my decision. To love you, and to live for that. I don’t regret that at all. But I regret the way I handled things..

But.

I’m far more disappointed at the way you handled things. You were childish. You were inconsiderate. Selfish. Stubborn. Granted, I was all of these as well. But you were different. You’re stubborn attitude wouldn’t allow you to see things from my point of view. Your lack of expression made it harder for me to see your point of view. How did we click so well, yet not click at all?

It’s such a shame. You and I, were we powerful. Nothing could have gotten in the way of our love that we shared. We had the strongest bond in the universe, but we both chipped at it slowly and slowly, degrading its strength until it finally gave way under it’s own weight. Why we chose that path remains the biggest mystery to me.

You were always into listening to Drake. I hated it. I didn’t like Drake at all. But when you left me, it was all I listened to for a long while. Marvin’s Room broke me apart, and I’m listening to is as I’m writing this now. 

We tried to repair things after we part ways, but no matter what happened, we kept butting heads. I still couldn’t handle how stubborn you were. You still couldn’t stand the way I thought things through. You couldn’t handle my assumptions without getting upset. 

And that’s when you told me.

I tried to accept it. I wanted to care. But the way you treated me after you told me that was..just unacceptable.

I was heartbroken. I was hurt. Hurt that you made such a horrible decision. You know better. You know right from wrong. You know who’s good for you and who’s not. So what happened? Why? 

I shouldn’t have given you an ultimatum. I wanted to be there for you. But I couldn’t handle. I didn’t want to be around to see you hurt yourself. To see you in pain. I either had to cut you off or cut the pain off of you. But I ended up cutting you off. I don’t know what happened.

Why didn’t things work out? Why couldn’t we put our differences aside. Why couldn’t you love me like you used to? Why couldn’t my love reach you..?

Why couldn’t you..

Teach me how to love you?

[thedreamkey-blog]

Farewell, for now

I’ve been staring at this screen for a while now, unsure of how to even begin to write this.

NEET, Glen, or Andrew, Mosu, whichever alias you want to be addressed as, you’ve continued to have a huge impact on my life ever since I first discovered your music. I still remember. My friend on facebook shared your Dream Keys song, “I’m Still in Love With You.” I fell in love with the way your emotions were conveyed so..so legitimately and fluidly. It’s as if I could feel your pain. It inspired me. I dove a little deeper and I found that you made more than just piano instrumentals, and I found myself becoming more and more obsessed with your music.

At first, everything was great. I listened to your music and I was happy and I was content with life. I remember when you first started streaming, you were streaming league and I was watching. I managed to snag your IGN and I persuaded you to play some games with me and my group. We invited you to our skype call and that was the beginning of our friendship. I remember how impressed you were with our skills at league when in reality we weren’t and still aren’t that great. It was awesome getting to play with someone I looked up to as an inspiration.

As the months dragged on, life got a little harder for me and I started to become depressed. I was no longer happy but I continued to listen to your music. You know how they say if you listen to certain music during periods of your life, when you hear those songs again you are reminded of them? So many songs of yours have my memories attached to them. So many sweet ones, bitter ones, sour ones. So many memories. 

My last relationship ended recently. I actually began writing this series because of her and because of you. When I found out that Dream Keys was strictly improv, I was inspired. And my girlfriend at the time loved reading, so I decided to start writing improv to your music. There was no predetermined plot, I just began writing. I so desperately wanted to make something meaningful and something my girl would enjoy reading. And this is what became of those yearnings.

I’m writing this now because I know you’re going through a rough time. We’re friends, even though we haven’t met in person. You mean a lot to me and I’m rooting for you, bro. I know you can pull through and I know you’ll be back better than ever. 

And so, I suppose it’s my time, as well. I no longer have the need to write anymore. Dream Keys is no longer. My relationship is also no longer. I’m bummed that I can’t release my emotions into my writing anymore, but I’m a little more bummed that I won’t be able to click that play button with excitement whenever you release something new. I won’t be able to listen to that last Dream Keys that you’re supposed to release. I can’t even listen to any of them because I never got to download them. 

So with that, this project is on hiatus for as long as you are, buddy. I appreciate how much you’ve helped me get through my lows, and I appreciate how much of my highs that I’ve been able to share with you. Thank you for making such amazing music that gave gave me feels, for making music that made me want to dance, for making music that made me want to sleep, for making music that made me want to relax..for making music. Thank you. It’s been about 2 years actually since I discovered your music, and so much of it has been influenced by you and your music. I can’t thank you enough.

Thank you, Neet. Andrew. 

~Jeremy

[thedreamkey-blog]

If Only...

https://soundcloud.com/neet/if-only

Another year had passed. I never saw you again after that ball. Why did it have to be you? What cruel twisted fate decided it would be a good idea to pair you with me to dance to the Moon Waltz? I remember feeling so happy that I had found someone new and that we were destined to be together, only to find out it was you. The girl who broke me. The girl who always told me she wasn’t good enough for me when the reality was that I wasn’t good enough for her. You. You were the one that got away, the one that ran away from me. The one that didn’t love me back the same way. The one who fell out of love with me far quicker than anyone should ever fall out of love. Especially after what we shared together.

Tonight just happened to be one of those nights where I can’t sleep. I can never sleep, really. But this time, it was something different. My mind was dominated by the thought of you. The cluster of several differing emotions and feelings swirling around in my hollow shell of a brain.

It’s cold outside. Cold inside as well. Not my apartment, cold inside my soul. I feel like I’ve been beaten over and over by your words, only to be left lying on the floor, unable to move or speak. Only able to feel the pain of the wounds you inflicted upon me. These scars that you’ve given me have salt in them. You no longer love me, but I cannot manage to pull myself out of this hole that I’ve fallen into. This hole that has been dug deeper than any other hole I’ve attempted because I thought that this would be the last. That I’d finally be able to continue digging and reach the other side, to reach the person digging opposite of me. But you stopped digging your own before it was too late and decided to abandon the project.

I miss you. My body knows it, and I’m having withdrawals yet again. It’s been years but I can’t get over you. My body rejects any type of fuel I try to feed it. I throw up as soon as anything reaches my stomach. It’s repulsive and I’m hungry, but I can’t do anything about it. 

I’ve become an alcoholic lately, as well. I’m constantly drinking and it’s the only form of nutrition that I get and that my body doesn’t refuse. It’s so disgusting. I want to stop but the pain is so much harder to bear when I’m sober. I want to be okay again, but you’ve left me in pieces.

Love is bitter when there is only one contributor.

I’ve constantly tried to pick myself back up. To piece myself back together yet again. I’ve been unable to succeed the last couple of years, so I kind of just stopped my attempts at fixing myself altogether. There’s nothing more I can do to stop the pain, I just try to numb it.

Why did you show up at the ball? What happened to your boyfriend? I don’t understand why it had to be you. I don’t get why we were paired together during the special song. I know we’re not meant to be together. What the fuck is the reason? Please, tell me. Tell me I fell for you again after that night? Tell me why you disappeared once more after I fell for you the second time? 

Where did you go? Why did you kiss me with such passion that night and then make your way out of my life right after? Why haven’t I found you? I’ve been searching and searching and I no longer have the energy.

I managed to get fired and receive unemployment. I’m living off of that unemployment and renting a studio. I’m not eating at all. Mainly because I can’t. I drink constantly. I haven’t cut my hair or shaved in months. I lost all my friends. I don’t keep in contact with my family. I don’t have social media, I don’t listen to music. I lie down in my empty studio and drown myself in my feelings. I ride the waves of my emotions into the dark ocean of depression that I’ve managed to get myself stranded within.

Where are you? I need you once more in my life. I can do things better. I can strive to be the man you want and need. I will do my best. No, I’ll do more than my best. I’ll achieve it. I won’t fail. I need you and there’s nothing else that will suffice.

But what if I do fail? What will happen to me...? To you?

It’s not like it matters anyways, I don’t know where you are, who you’re with...I don’t know anything about you anymore. It’s been an entire year since the Moon Waltz.

I’d be okay right now if...

If only I hadn’t seen you that night.

If only I hadn’t made friends with my coworkers.

If only I hadn’t fallen for you.

If only I hadn’t adored the way you smiled at me with that crooked smile of yours when I did something stupid.

If only I hadn’t cherished the way you looked at me whenever you told me that you loved me.

If only I wasn’t so easily pulled in to your welcoming arms.

If only I hadn’t gotten on that bus.

If only I had stayed my shy self and not spoken to you.

If only I wasn’t a failure.

If only I was what you wanted.

If only I was what you needed.

If only I was special enough.

If only you wanted me as much as I wanted you.

If only I wasn’t selfish.

If only you weren’t stubborn.

If only we could come to a compromise.

If only we didn’t argue so fucking much.

If only you kept your promise and told me when your feelings started to fade away.

If only I kept my promise and had never broken up with you in the first place.

If only you had chosen to stay instead of giving up...

If only we could work things out without falling apart.

If only you didn’t run away from me.

If only I hadn’t let you run away from me.

If only you hadn’t pushed me away.

If only I hadn’t pushed you away.

If only we hadn’t made any mistakes.

If only you knew how madly in love I was.

If only I knew how quickly you were falling out of love.

If only we were perfect.

Or perhaps if only we had never met.

Is this pain worth what we had? Is what I’m feeling right now of equal value to what happiness and bliss that I once had when you and I had it all? What if I could go back in time? Would I risk it all once again and try to fix the mistakes that I made with you? Or would I fold my hand and not try to win the entire pot? 

I’d try again.

If only...

[thedreamkey-blog]

Moon Waltz

https://soundcloud.com/neet/moon-waltz

It had been a year since I last spoke to you. I cut things off immediately. I told you I didn’t want to be a part of your life anymore. It honestly was painful how easily you seemed to take it. Kind of as if I meant nothing to you. You just stood there and took all of my rage..all of my insults..all of it. I was in such disbelief. I thought we were great. I was wrong.

I had made a few friends along the path of recovery. I managed to get close to people. You taught me how to do that. I learned how to communicate with people on a personal level. They helped me cope with the pain that you put me through. It’s a year later and I’m honestly not completely over it.

I was out with the aforementioned friends I had made when the topic of social events was the heart of the conversation. I had intentionally avoided events where meeting new people was a possibility. These people who I surrounded myself with now were people I met through work, so naturally, I talked to them. Aside from that, I didn’t go out of my way to meet anyone any longer.

They spoke of a dance that was taking place. A masquerade ball. It took place once a year, they said. And it was one of the best places to meet people. There was always one song in particular that played during the ball, and in this town, there’s a rumor about it. They say whoever you’re dancing when that song starts playing, that person is meant to be with you forever. It’s been a tradition to take off your mask at the end of the song and introduce yourself to your dance partner, as well. 

I remembered how much you said you wanted to attend a dance with me.

I was adamant about not attending. I hated meeting new people. Especially after you. I had decided that was the first and last time I did something so out of the ordinary to meet someone new. I was far too afraid to hurt myself again. My wounds were still fresh. Did you know paper cuts sting so much because the majority of them don’t bleed? Blood stops the air from hitting your wound, so when it doesn’t bleed, your nerves are open to the air and are constantly in pain. You left me with an emotional paper cut.

After an hour of back and forth bantering, my friends managed to get me to agree on attending the ball. I really didn’t want to, but they insisted that I would enjoy it. I heard there would be food there, too. I like food.

I went out shopping for a mask. I merely went to the nearest mall and searched for a store that sold them. I found a store that exclusively sold masks. Nothing but. I didn’t think I’d be interested, but damn, the masks were so intriguing. They cover so little of your face but it actually becomes hard to distinguish whether or not you know the person unless it’s a really flashy and unique mask. 

I went for one that was pretty bland when I saw a familiar red coat walking towards the cashier. My mind didn’t want to follow, but my eyes couldn’t do anything but. As I glanced over, I immediately knew it was you. Your hair had grown longer, but it was definitely you. Your wardrobe hadn’t changed at all. I only saw the back of you. Red coat, those lazy Vans that you wore all the time. The gray jeans. They looked more torn than I remember. You added a new hairstyle, though. Pigtails looked nice on you.

I saw your boyfriend come up behind you, but you seemed indifferent. As soon as he came into the picture, I just looked away. I didn’t want the memories to come flooding into my mind. Every time they flash back into my mind, I can’t manage to do anything but break down.

You bought whatever it was you wanted and left. He trailed behind you, in a seemingly dull mood. 

Whatever. But seeing you in that red coat made me want to be flashy with my mask. I put down the plain black mask I had chosen beforehand, and began searching for one that was really hard to miss. It wasn’t too hard. All I had to do was look around and whatever caught my eye the most was what I was going to grab.

It caught my eye immediately. Covered more of the face than usual, but it had decorations on it. Black and golden, had a jewel on the forehead. Massive feathers protruding from the sides. I bought it on impulse.

I sent pictures to all of my friends. They complimented my boldness, commenting on how much attention I would receive at the ball. I started to feel pretty good about it. What could possibly go wrong? I was actually ready to go out and meet new people. My paper cut had begun it’s healing.

----------------------------------------------

The night of the ball had come. It was a month after I caught a glimpse of you at the mask shop. My friends all came together and got me this crazy getup to go along with my flashy mask. There was a huge white cape with feathers on it. A tight black outfit with golden lining. It wasn’t my kind of thing, but I suppose it matched with the mask I had purchased.

We went all out and had a limousine transport us from a quick dinner to the ball. We were chatting so much while in transit. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much excitement from my friends all at once before. I had some bottled up as well. I was finally able to get out there and meet new people. New people! I was sick and tired of seeing the same old people over and over to be completely honest. My life had become so stale after losing you. I needed something new.

The limousine pulled up to the venue. It was a closed area but the roof was open, so the sky was completely visible from inside. And man, was it a stunning view. The venue was far away from the city, so there was minimal light pollution. The stars were shining so bright. And it’s always a full moon the night of the ball. There was no exception tonight. The moon was brighter than ever, and the stars only complemented that very well.

I was at a loss for words when I saw the night sky, and I was in awe at the amount of people there were attending tonight. There had to be at least a thousand people here. What were the chances that someone here was the one for me?

There was a quick announcement before the music begun. Simple rules and etiquette were explained. Be respectful. Classy. etc. I had no problem with that. 

People walked around with wine glasses. Groups sat down at tables and conversed. Hundreds of people were already dancing, hoping to find their potential soulmate. I honestly wasn’t worried about finding my own. I wanted to have some fun. 

I had a few drinks with my friends. The ladies of our group had split up and started dancing already while the men and I took a few more sips of the wine that was being served. It was such a classy event. I wasn’t sure how to take in my surroundings all at once. I felt so out of place, but at the same time, there was a strange aura in the area that made me feel so at home. It made me kind of uncomfortable, because I hadn’t felt that in a long time.

I took to the dance floor and began dancing with women at random, many of whom gave positive comments about my outfit, as well as good luck in finding the one for me. It felt really great. Everyone here was so nice.

I could feel the night getting tense. All the people here wanted to find the right one. I even managed to bump into a few of my lady friends on the floor and had a dance with them, although I had to make sure that song didn’t come on while we were dancing. I wanted nothing but platonic relationships with them.

I was starting to get kind of depressed. Brown was by far the most prominent eye color at the dance, and every woman I danced with that night had brown eyes. And of course, who do I think of when I look into brown eyes? You. Memories of us were flashing back into my head. Every time I looked into someone’s eyes, I saw you. It was painful to dance any longer.

I was about ready to quit when a girl insisted that we dance together. Her mask was pretty flashy. It looked familiar. Probably because it looked similar to mine. Jewel in the middle, feathers all around. Only it was purple instead of black.

We were dancing when suddenly everyone began to simultaneously gasp. I’m not entirely sure what they were gasping at. The woman I was dancing with had such a mesmerizing gaze. I stared into her eyes and my heart dropped. They were such a vividly bright blue. I could easily tell they were contacts, but that didn’t matter. We paid no attention to anything in our surroundings. We were so interlocked. Our fingers intertwined while we danced slowly. I smiled. She grinned back at me. There was such familiarity between us. As if we had met in a past life.

Her hair was long. Two lengthy braids, brought to the front of her body rather than hanging from the back. Her beauty was unrivaled tonight. She was much like the mask I had bought. Nothing around could compare.

Whatever song was playing had ended, and everyone in the venue began cheering. We looked around, unsure of what was taking place. Everyone began taking off their masks and examining their partners. I even saw two of my friends kissing one another. I guess they hit it off and danced together.

I looked back at my partner. I saw nothing but beauty in front of me. Completely stunning. The curves of her face. The wonderful scent of her hair. It was like spring. Her lips were pursed, holding back a smile. My mind was wrapped around her beauty. I was in awe. She was the embodiment of what I considered perfection.

I took off my mask as quickly as possible and introduced myself. It was the complete opposite of my usual bashful self. Her jaw dropped. She giggled and began to remove her mask. 

“I don’t want you to be afraid” was what came out of her mouth prior to the removal of her mask. “I won’t be afraid. You’re beautiful” was my response. All I received after that was, “alright, stud. Give me one more dance before I take this mask off.”

----------------------------------------------

I’m not sure what I should have done that night. 

We danced to nothing. There was no music. We danced, and many of the couples around us followed suit. There was a new atmosphere, and it was great. The tension was relieved and there was a feeling of love in the air. We stopped dancing, and that’s when I looked into her eyes. I realized my friends never informed me of the song that all these rumors talked about. I asked her about that song.

I asked her if we had danced to that rumored song. She said we did, and she asked if I believed in the rumors. That the two who danced to the song were meant to be forever together. I went out on a limb and said I did. She laughed and pointed a smile at me that I could describe as nothing less than love-inducing. As a last question before she took off her mask, I requested the name of the song that we danced to. 

You took off your mask and told me.

“Moon Waltz.”

[thedreamkey-blog]

Can We Stay Like This Forever?

https://soundcloud.com/neet/can-we-stay-like-this-forever?

Our first big argument. We were at your place. Lying down on your futon, watching anime together. It was some music anime or something. Romance. I don't remember the name. The music was fabulous though.

It was around midnight. We had just gotten back from a night out with some friends and decided to get some anime in. This one in particular always managed to get us really emotional. I remember watching one of the characters playing her piano. It was as graceful as watching an actual pianist recital..anime was always one of my favorite forms of entertainment. I was interrupted of my appreciation of said anime when you paused it and turned to look me in the eye.

"Do you still love me?" Those words rang in my head for what seemed like decades after they came out of your mouth. It was so abrupt and unexpected. How was I supposed to react? I paused before answering to attempt to recollect myself. "Of course I do, babe.." was all I could manage.

I had expected it. You took my hesitance as uncertainty, and a look of overwhelming sadness took over your face. I tried to embrace you but your response was to look down and gently push me away. I looked into your averted gaze and I could see the intense melancholic expression in those eyes that I was so in love with. It pained me to even witness that kind of sadness coming from you. I tried to explain my pause, but you didn't want to hear it.

You told me I didn't love you as much as I had loved you before. Where did you get that idea? You persistently pushed your thoughts..how I stopped telling you how much I cared. How I didn't seem like I had you as a priority anymore. What was I supposed to do? Did I mess up somewhere along this road? Our road? I wanted to pave a path for us that lead to happiness, but I guess I had lost sight of your happiness and just had my eyes locked on my own.

But that doesn't mean I didn't take offense. I launched counterarguments in my defense. I had work all day. Everyday. I was tired. Unmotivated. Stressed. Unhappy with my job. I come home and I have this needy girl wanting all of my attention when all I want to do is rest.

I didn't want to say any of that. But it all came out. I really didn't want to say it. I didn't even mean most of it to be frank. I just felt like I was being attacked. After my defensive argument was complete I stole a glance at your eyes. There was a mixture of pain and disbelief. I immediately knew I had went too far and tried to apologize, but before I could even try, you got up, ran to the door, grabbed your jacket and shoes, and left.

What should I have done? Should I have waited for you to come back and give you your space? I didn't want to admit that I needed you as much as I did. I was so stubborn. I didn't want to chase after you. But love makes us do crazy things. I stood up and began putting my shoes on when I noticed that you had put up a picture on the fridge.

Why hadn't I seen this picture before? When did you put it up here? It was a picture of me sleeping..it looked like it was from a long time ago. Where was this? It was outside..oh. I see..it's our bus stop. You're sly, aren't you? This is why you laughed so hysterically when you woke up and saw me snapping a picture of you on the bus, isn't it? You had actually noticed me before I even noticed you..

I continued putting my shoes on, even more determined to find you and make things better. I darted towards the door and opened it, and started a sprint to nowhere. But before I even got 10 feet out the door I nearly tripped over you. You were lying on the ground, covered in snow...the winter was rough at this time of year.

I knelt over and whispered your name. Your eyes opened..tears fell as soon as they did, only to freeze and line the curves of your cheekbones with frost. I told you how much I loved you. How I didn't mean those things that I said. I wanted you to know that I was so madly in love with you..it just was really hard for me to express myself. I was such an introvert my entire life..definitely not accustomed to the expression of affection. 

I looked into your eyes only to be met by the most terrifying blankness I had yet to come across. I don’t think I had ever been frightened by a pair of human eyes before. I always theorized that eyes were windows into the soul...and for that moment, your soul was missing. As if my words had released your soul from your body. Your soul that had been in love with me..that had been in love with my own soul. I didn’t know what to say.

You sat up. Leaving tiny handprints in the snow beneath us. You scooted up towards my face and looked deeper into my eyes...your own with such beckoning emptiness. I was drawn into your gaze..I was searching for a sign of life. A sign of emotion. A sign that the woman I was in love with still existed. I was afraid that I had pushed you over the edge with this one final argument.

You gave me a kiss. Even that felt empty. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I couldn’t prepare. My lips hadn’t even puckered. My eyes didn’t close, either. I wanted to know if you were still there. I didn’t want to lose you. You had become my all. Everything. My world. All that I lived for. I couldn’t bear to live in this cruel world without you keeping me sane. Without your love making me feel like I had a purpose in life. 

I picked you up. Carried you back to the house...making sure to take immaculate care of you. I didn’t want to damage you any further..there’s no insurance. They say that life insurance is important. That you need it. Bullshit. You have one life. There is no such thing as “insurance” for your life if you are alone like me. Or you. 

We got back to the house. I walked by that picture of me without glancing at it. Straight to the room. It was impossible for me to stop worrying at this point. I laid you down and went to grab some clothes for you and myself. The snow had dampened our clothing and I didn’t want us to get sick. By this time I slowly started seeing your emotion and facial expression return. I hoped I had fixed things.

I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t mean what I said. Well..I’d be lying to you as well. I DID lie to you. I told you I didn’t mean what I said. I do mean some of it. A lot of it actually. I said all those cruel things when we were arguing...but those flaws I pointed out. Those little things you do that irk me. Those things you say that hurt me.

It’s all part of who you are. And no matter what, I’m in love with you, and I’m willing to put up with it. You can say all you want about there being other people out there far more suitable to be my partner...but what matters is that there are people out there better for them as well. And it’s not about what’s available. It’s about what I want...and I want nothing but you.

I can’t stand the idea us parting ways. 

I climbed into the bed with you and apologized once more. Searching for the “soul” I had been looking for this whole time in your eyes. It was returning..so sluggishly. I wanted you back already. I needed you. I held you as close as possible as I dozed off into the night. Why did I fall asleep so soon? I wish I hadn’t. I don’t think I heard you reply after I told you “Goodnight. I love you.” 

I really hope that the reason I hadn’t heard you reply was because I fell asleep. I hope I didn’t fall asleep quickly because you hadn’t replied at all. I can’t remember. It felt like decades.

I fell into a dream that night, though. It’s one of the only dreams I can recall nearly perfectly. Should I call it a dream? Perhaps it was a nightmare. I’m not sure. I’ll tell you about it another time, my love. 

The next day, everything seemed normal...at least, in the morning. As the day dragged on, I noticed your morale slowly deteriorating. I was definitely worried. I didn’t want to bring back any memories of the previous night, so I decided to let it slide. I was afraid. I shouldn’t have been such a wuss.

The entire week, this reoccurring incident would happen everyday. Every single time I’d tell you that I loved you, you would avert your eyes and respond while looking elsewhere. I could feel our bond stretching ...and the very fibers in that bond were beginning to thin. I had no idea how to fix this. I’ve never been in a relationship before. I had no prior experience with close friendships. What was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to cause you pain.

I didn’t intend to say anything, but it just came out that night. Dinnertime at the table. 7:23 PM.

"Do you still love me?" Those words rang in my head for what seemed like decades after they came out of my own mouth. It was so abrupt and unexpected. How were you supposed to react? You paused before answering to attempt to recollect yourself. "Of course I do, babe.." was all you could manage.

What? 

I’m confused.

That hesitation. It was so..painful. It felt like my soul was ripped out of my living body, and my body was set to autopilot. I wasn’t sure what to do from there. This was an all too familiar situation. But I hadn’t had experience playing the game from this side of the field.

Those were the last words we exchanged that night. I left the dinner table and went to the bed. I closed my eyes. You hadn’t even decided to chase after me. 

My eyes opened after my quick sleep. Or so I thought. I stole a glance at the alarm clock before searching for you. 6:39 AM. You were nowhere to be found. I wasn’t sure what to do. I had been asleep for so long. I felt fatigued. I hadn’t even finished my meal from the night before. It was still there on the table, half-eaten. Your plate was unfinished as well.

I don’t remember much after that week. Our relationship was falling apart. I could tell that much. Everything became routine. Nothing was full of emotion and happiness like they previously had been. 

I remember seeing you a couple days later. Everything was awkward. I tried to make a decent conversation, I really did..but things just didn’t work out. It was too painful. I felt like...like you weren’t there with me anymore. 

A month had passed. We both made our most valiant efforts to repair our relationship. And for a while, I thought it had worked. We could speak to each other normally again. Our smiles had returned. The laughing was regular once again.

I was on my way home from work. I was abnormally tired and I knew we had planned a date that night. I never really enjoyed coffee, but I decided to grab one to keep myself energized for our night. What harm could it do?

I walked into the nearest Starbucks. It was the biggest one in town...not my kind of place. I don’t really enjoy being around people. I ordered my plain black coffee and sat down at a table in the corner to await my beverage. That’s when I saw you.

I didn’t want to believe it. I saw a pair in the opposite corner of the lounge sitting together. I recognized the guy when I walked in. It was your best friend. The girl with him, now that I took an actual look at her, was none other than yourself.

It wouldn’t have bothered me to be completely honest. I don’t mind you hanging out with him. Talking to him.

But I saw you holding hands with him. Smiling that blessed smile that I no longer saw from you. I saw you give him a kiss..something we hardly shared anymore. I saw you cuddle into his shoulder, holding his arm. 

Is this what you wanted? You wanted someone else? Was I unsatisfactory? 

Did I hurt you to the point where you had to run away?

Do I matter so much to you that you couldn’t hurt me yourself, therefore keeping me around for the inevitable? I would find out eventually, on my own, should you not have told me yourself.

Finding out on my own...it hurts me far more than if I had found out from your own words.

I can’t even explain how I felt. My heart sank. I felt emptiness in my chest. My stomach dropped. I felt like throwing up. I wanted to cry. I felt so defeated...I wasn’t sure how to feel. So many mixed emotions. I wasn’t sure whether to feel angry or sad. I just decided to walk out. I didn’t even get my coffee. Fuck it.

As I rose and walked out there door, I managed to hear one thing as you spoke to him. My heart didn’t break. I don’t even think it existed anymore.

“Can we stay like this forever?”

[thedreamkey-blog]

I’m Still in Love With You

https://soundcloud.com/neet/im-still-in-love-with-you

Do you remember the night we met? I do. It was one of those days where the rain wasn’t exactly falling, but rather floating through the air. A mist. The clouds parted perfectly to just barely shape out the moon in the sky. No stars in sight. The clouds were far too aggressive that night. 

We were waiting for our respective buses. I had seen you before our meeting. You had actually caught my eyes on several occasions. We both always sat at the same bus stop, but you took the bus that arrived earlier than my own. I had admired how graceful you looked. Your hair flowed perfectly in the wind if the night blessed me with gusts strong enough to blow your hair. Your lips curved so beautifully whenever you read something that amused you..and your frown was so powerfully saddening that I couldn’t help but frown myself whenever I witnessed it. 

Your eyes were always locked onto the words of the book you had chosen to read that night to pass the time, as if your attention was meant for one thing and one thing only. I honestly envied how much attention you gave those books. I never saw you once glance in my direction, nor even acknowledge my presence. I was always too afraid to do something to get you to notice me. I’m not a very social person. But tonight? Tonight felt different. I decided to do something rash.

Your bus came to the stop. I honestly didn’t even know where this bus ended up, but I made the decision on a whim. I followed you inside, but it wasn’t what I expected. The bus was empty. Nobody but the driver. He looked at me with a concerned frown on his face and questioned whether or not I had chosen the correct bus. I assured him I was on the right bus, and I glanced towards the seats to see where you had sat yourself down. 

Of all the places to sit, you had chosen the seat farthest back on the left. There was no seat for me to pick to easily observe you without having to make it awkward. The only logical seat I could choose to lessen the strangeness was the seat opposite side of the walkway on the right. So I took it.

As I sat down I took a glance at you when I realized you had fallen asleep. I thought to myself that this was a perfect chance. I took out my phone and attempted to snap a picture of your beautiful sleeping face. But my flash was on. The flash alerted you and your eyes opened, locked on me and my phone, and then darted to my eyes. I was so afraid.

But instead of being angry with me, your eyes lightened and you pursed your lips, attempting to hold back laughter. My face immediately reddened and I turned towards the window to hide my embarrassment. I’m sure that must have amused you. I heard your giggling from behind me. It was the cutest laugh I’ve ever heard. 

I turned to face you and apologized, scratching the back of my head, eyes pointed towards the floor. You lifted my chin with your index finger. Left hand. You told me it was all okay, and that you found it funny. You blessed me with this smile that brightened up my entire world. It was dark outside, and it was oh so very cold. But for that moment you smiled at me, my world was radiating with warmth and light. 

I smiled back at you and apologized one more time, at which you denied any more meager apologies and decided to humor me. You said you would only forgive me if I introduced myself. After I finished my name, you asked for my age. And then my interests. I kept rambling about my interests once you asked. I couldn’t stop... I wanted to let you know everything about me. I’m not even sure why. I had never spoke to anyone so openly.

Before I could even get very far, you put your two fingers, index and middle, to my lips to shush me. Your right hand this time. You leaned forward and put your mouth next to my right ear. You told me your name. And a “nice to meet you,” and although it seemed sincere, there was a tone of sadness. I tried to pull away to get a good look at you to see if there was anything on your mind that was bothering you, but you moved too quickly. You jumped forward and gave me this embrace. I was so taken aback.

But what surprised me even more was that you buried your head into my chest and began silently weeping. I had no idea what to do. I never had much contact with women...or people in general. I thought about it and just slowly wrapped my arms around you and let you cry. 

I could easily smell your wonderful scent..it painted a picture in my mind. It was so refreshing. A spring field full of wonderful blossoming flowers, with a slight breeze pushing the scent of aforementioned flowers in the direction of my nose. A blue sky spotted with some bright white clouds lit up this field..it was such a beautiful image of a stunning day to behold on such an ugly and almost depressing night that was the reality. 

I snapped out of my daydream...or night dream, I suppose..and I looked down to see if you had calmed down. You had fallen asleep in my arms, still locking me in this bear hug of yours. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I could crack a genuine smile.

The bus slowed to a stop, and as if it was your schedule, your eyes opened to full alertness. I told you good morning, and you gave me a started look. You looked around and apologized for putting me in such an awkward position. I brushed it off as if it was nothing, but in reality, I think that’s when I fell in love. It was so sudden, and I thought the feeling wouldn’t last for much longer.

You looked at me and asked me where I was headed. I told you I had no destination. I just took the bus randomly. You had known that I was completely clueless about where the bus led to. I could tell that much from the tone of voice you asked that question in. The kind of tone that had a meaning hidden between the lines. A meaning that accused me of following you onto this bus. But it wasn’t like it was accusing me in a bad way. That made my heart skip.

I admitted that I followed you onto the bus. You cracked a grin and you invited me to your place. I gladly obliged. An amalgamation of emotions and feelings flooded my consciousness. I was scared. Worried. Self-conscious. Happy. Concerned? Embarrassed. Accomplished. Peaceful. But more than all, I was suspicious.

What was your motive? I didn’t do anything to coerce you to invite me into your home. I don’t feel like I deserved it. But I did feel that click once we spoke. Did you feel it too? Like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together. So snug, perfectly aligned. Perfect for one another. I felt that with you. 

I followed you home. We talked and talked for what seemed like hours on the walk to your apartment..it had only been 20 minutes. We entered your apartment and my eyes wandered around helplessly. There was abnormally plain decor with minimal color scheme. Not much decor at all, to be honest. I didn’t pay much attention to it. We sat down and had a few glasses of wine. White wine. Before I knew it we were lying in bed. Nothing sexual at all.

We lied facing one another. Hands intertwined. Everything felt so natural. It all fell into place. I smiled and I placed a kiss onto your delicate forehead. You leaned in closer to my face. I couldn’t help but stare into your eyes..I could see so many feelings and so much emotion in them..but it was like a whole separate language from my own. It was truly a cryptic message. One I could never imagine that I would be able to read. 

I stared a little longer. Your eyes curved, as if they were smiling at my presence. Your beautiful big brown eyes...they captivated me. Such strength. I couldn’t even fathom how deep I had traveled into those brown puddles of emotion..I felt so lost. But I wasn’t afraid. I felt lost, but at home. Does that make sense? Probably not. I was always good at not making any sense whatsoever. 

You kissed my nose as I slipped a grin. My eyes smiled back at yours as you whispered your sweet dreams and goodnights to me. I replied with my own.

My eyes opened. I was home.

It was all a dream..but I know it had actually happened. I miss you.

I think...no. I am.

I’m still in love with you.