Dream of a Doll

Life, Love, and Everything in Between. These are my dreams, my thoughts, my goals.

[thedreamofadoll]

The world doesn't revolve around you and neither do I. You can't jump to conclusions and make stupid assumptions that this or that automatically must have something to do you.

[thedreamofadoll]

I've been keeping myself occupied with work so I'm less focused on the things taking a toll on me emotionally. Today I went to the doctors to get medication for my flu and had to get weighed. 81lbs. If I keep up like this I can't see myself lasting another year.

[thedreamofadoll]

It's one of those days that I just want to kill myself. I wish I has the courage and selfishness to actually go through with it. Time is too long, time is too painful. I want to disappear and unattach myself from everything. Life is endlessly suffocating me making me want to scream until my lungs give out. I don't even want to be saved anymore. 84lbs, 84 more to go. Fading away to nothing seems more pathetic and suiting.

[thedreamofadoll]

It's a shock. I thought I've been doing alright only to be told I'm at the peek. In fact, I'm the worse I've ever been and if I continue on this road I won't last much longer. In Ottawa I had a few drinks and I thought blacking out was just because of the exhaustion of working 14-17 hours a day with little to no sleep. Although I was shaking and disoriented. The thing I cannot forgive myself for is having my dad see me that way and scaring him to death... He even checked my pulse and I have no recollection of it. The only thing I remember was being really disoriented, shaking and unable to focus. It did seem like I lost some time after I came to. I went to the doctor today and wanted to burst out crying. This disorder is ruining me. My body and everything. It's made me grow apart and keep my distance from all my loved ones because of the fact I don't want people to see or look at me like this. The last time I weighed myself was at a friends house. I was 94lbs. I was shocked. Awhile after that I gained a bit, I was 97lbs. last time I saw the doctor. But now... 84lbs. And that's fully clothed.

[thedreamofadoll]

Because guilting me over the food I eat will totally make me better. It just makes me want to eat absolutely nothing. It’s bad enough that bulimia and anorexia go hand in hand with my eating disorder and the state I’ve fallen into.

[thedreamofadoll]

I'm just garbage.

[thedreamofadoll]

This disorder is killing me.

[thedreamofadoll]

You trigger me, how difficult is that to realize? I try and build myself up and you go and fall apart expecting me to drop everything and comfort you when I'm trying to work on myself. You make everything about you and throw stupid assumptions up to trap me and guilt me into putting your needs above mine. I need to be alone and so far there's been 13 tumblr messages, 5 text messages, 33 calls, 16 fb messages. Is this a fucking joke? It's suffocating. It's not love, it's an obsession that's throwing me on the edge.

[thedreamofadoll]

I relapsed. Actually, no. I want to believe it was just a relapse. Truthfully I know it's been like this and hasn't ever really stopped. I know I'm getting worse but the only times I slightly care is when I've no choice but to reach out in a panic. Today the toilet clogged very conveniently after I purged (/sarcasm). I reached out to my mother and she helped. It's still clogged and now I'm at a loss. She wants me to get help, I want to get help, but... I'm just tired of everything. I'm going to try.

[thedreamofadoll]

The other day I woke up to my sister dousing herself in alcohol threatening to light a match in order to obtain pills. The day after I get up at 4am because I can’t sleep only to overhear people talking behind my back saying things along the lines “It would be better if she was anorexic” because I eat too much and joking and laughing over thoughts of aborting me before I was born.

From the same people who say I’m too skinny, I should gain weight and get out more but then contradict themselves by picking and choosing who I should be friends with ultimately being no one.

Such words coming from the woman who birthed me. That night I took so many pills I got disoriented. Laying in bed feeling like there's a thousand bricks holding me down and breath becoming slower and slower. I ripped myself apart slashing at the sides to my rib cage. I even cleaned my room before with thoughts that just maybe, maybe tonight will be the night god grants me my wish. These past few days have been rough. Not only has my ED and cutting relapsed but I've outdone myself. Now, I want to be alone. Even the little amount of comfort I've obtained in someone lately will vanish if it was known the degree of how damaged I am. I woke up today with my blankets covered in blood because I slept on the wounded side, and now... I did it again. I'm ashamed, repulsed at myself. I'm honestly really resentful for waking up and facing another day like this in a row. I don't really have anyone I can confine in anymore as I've pushed away almost everyone and found comfort being alone. I'm scared of being approached by people because I fear by me being the way I am, I might bring them down with me. It's waking on eggshells every day. I'm really starting to regret not escaping sooner when I had a chance. I feel trapped, suffocated.

[tasteoftheuniverse]

[thedreamofadoll]

The result of last night. Again...

[thedreamofadoll]

Lately the most I've been doing is absolutely nothing. I've closed myself off and lost that drive to open up and continue to make excuses. You know that feeling? Where you don't want to talk to anyone, be around anyone or face anyone but really there's no reason and don't know why you just want to be alone? I get like that from time to time then ultimately later on feeling guilty because I have no intention of day to day talks. It's like a push and pull thing. I take a step forward and then 2 steps back to a place even further from people. I need a job.

[thedreamofadoll]

I don't even remember the last time I felt this. You know that feeling where your heart flutters insanely over such small things, even just being acknowledged. Yeah, it's been awhile.

[thedreamofadoll]

I always find it difficult to approach rather negative-minded people. I, myself, am negative. But regardless, I force myself to look on the brighter side of things and look past the negativity. However when I'm in the presents of someone negative/depressive it wears off on me to the degree that I feel like I'm entitled to bring them back up and sacrifice my own positivity along with my priorities and everything I see as enjoyable. Doing so drags me down like an anchor. Even if it doesn't show in my attitude I end up enduring it even though I feel like I'm having my head dunked in a bucket of water on the verge of drowning.

[thedreamofadoll]

To know someone I barely know could see right through me to the signs that I have an eating disorder is a bit upsetting... I can't seem to sleep because the feeling of a full stomach is keeping me awake, it's uncomfortable...

[thedreamofadoll]

I binged and attempted at purging. I failed. I got maybe 20% up and I'm laying here wanting to rip my skin open and tear my flesh off. I'm tired but I feel so uncomfortably full. Tyiojojigughinlfkfkf I feel utterly repulsive. At times like this I thank god I don't have a significant other, look at me. I can barely handle and put up with myself how in gods name could anyone? I just wrote "Stop eating you fat fuck" over my stomach in marker. When it fades I'll eat. Until then I'll starve until I feel satisfied.