Thee/Constructed

I pulled a brick from my house and it came crashing down. Now I'm picking up the pieces and building anew.

[theeconstructed]

No call, no show

They say patience is a virtue, but so is keeping your word. My patience is dwindling and I don't even know how to say it anymore. I don't ever doubt that he truly loves me, but I don't know if I can deal without him needing me. I know, I shouldn't be needed. That's why I'm running away from. Trying to be my own person and find someone who is his own person as well. Well fuck me, I sure found him. And I'm lucky! But how to reprogram my association of love/want/need? I guess this means it's time to call the psychologist again. PS- It's so fucked up that I can't seem to find someone I feel comfortable with sharing this.

[theeconstructed]

Decepcionada

Está cabrón cuando tus exes están mas pendiente de ti en momentos difíciles que el que se supone que quiere un futuro contigo.

[theeconstructed]

Wonder

I wonder if I feel needy because I'm lonely or if this a permanent change to my personality. God, that frightens me!

[theeconstructed]

Swimming

You know how ducks seem still but underwater they're paddling like crazy? Well imagine that, but on quicksand. That's me. People see me calm and serene... almost like I have everything under control. But inside I'm struggling and moving all the time. The thing is I'm moving through quicksand. I feel like I work hard and get nowhere or worse... left behind. It's frustrating, because sometimes I think it's of my own doing and therefore that's all I'll ever be. A duck in quicksand.

[theeconstructed]

Yesterwhere

Yesterday a friend told me that if we would've kept hooking up she thought I would've ended pregnant. It made me sad. Sometimes I think of telling you that I'm all right emotionally (lie!) and that we should do it again (to quote Robyn). Because I want whatever I can get from you. Then I think I'm slowly becoming the main character in Paradise Kiss and get sadder. I ramble on not making sense because you fill my head and "heart" (still some emo part of the brain) with paradoxes.

[theeconstructed]

Tattered

I love you and with every time we talk I keep falling deeper in love with you. It’s fine, I’ve survived worse. Can’t you see my fringes? I am tattered at the edges, but my core is solid. You say you don’t have anyone to talk to about is. You say you wish you could see why you don’t want me. I know if you tried hard enough you could fix those things. In my heart of hearts, my solid core surrounded by tattered edges, I know we could be so happy together. But truth is, I will drift away at some point. You will talk too late to someone, see the love you feel for me too late. It’s so sad to think about.

[theeconstructed]

All tied up

I have found myself bound, but by no material that can seen I am all tied up by emotions, by a turmoil of broken feelings Why must you treat me as a princess, carry me up to the sky To only strip me down to pauper status within a blink of an eye

[theeconstructed]

Caregiving

At a very early age I built my identity around being a caregiver. The youngest of two, I took on more responsibilities because I wanted to show I was independent. This came to bite me in the ass pretty soon, as I was expected to do all these things that I took on by choice. When I was about eight my mother fell very ill due to a pulmonary embolism. During her stay at the hospital it was expected that I would cook, clean up and launder. My brother, about twelve years of age at that moment, was expected to keep doing as he always did. Study some, play a lot. I became frustrated one afternoon and asked my father to tell my brother to do the laundry. He replied, "He's a boy." I had never before resented him and the freedom a couple of inches between his legs afforded him. I stormed to my room, slamming the door shut behind me. One would think that event would've changed me to being a bit more selfless, but it didn't. I felt tremendous guilt denying people my help and amazing pride when they thanked me. A bit like a drug... I consumed it and it, in turn, consumed me. Fast forward to me at 34 looking back. Hindsight may be 20/20, but it doesn't do much for changing what is do ingrained in me. Still a caregiver, but now it's weighing me down. It has led me down a path of giving up who I am to be who people need me to be. I don't blame them, but I don't quite know how to change. I still feel the guilt, but I also feel bitter. Hopefully writing these things down offers me some immediate feedback. There's nothing wrong with putting myself first. It's just so weird when I do. I feel irresponsible and immature when it happens. Like the weight on my shoulders gets heavier instead of lighter because I know I still have a lot to do. For my mother with limited independence, my pets, my work, etc. These are the moments I wish there were a reset button on life.

[theeconstructed]

Note 1

"You must have a plan. If you don't have a plan you become part of somebody else's plan." -Terence McKenna What I've figured these past few months is that somewhere along the past 10 years or so I lost my plan. I don't have a plan and I can't seem to convince myself to make one. Although I set goals, it's like I don't even believe in them. When did I become so hopeless and bitter? Thing is I've kept being part of other people's plans and I even found some purpose in that. That is, until I figured out that in not really living. Now this would be the moment that serendipity knocks on your door and you make changes in your life to "find yourself", right? Well the thing is it hasn't and I don't have the money to have my Under the Tuscan Sun midlife crisis turned to victory plot. So I find myself in a pathetic state of self loathing. Yet knowing it's pathetic does nothing to make it go away. I work and take care of what I have to. But it just feels like I'm pretending to care about life when all I want to do is hit the reset button. I must say I'm an amazing actress or the people around me are very self-absorbed because no one seems to notice I keep breaking into pieces. I shatter every day and don't even have the right glue to piece myself together again. This is note 1 of I don't know how many because I figure if I write what would be my suicide note maybe I won't ever do it. God, I roll my eyes at myself and all this shit.

[theeconstructed]

In progress

When did it come to be? I have seemed to have lost my identity What makes me unique? When all people see is others in me

[theeconstructed]

Reflecting

Today would've been the three year anniversary of my wedding. I don't regret getting married. I really love him and I know he loved me. We were just too broken as individuals to ever find a fit as a couple. The divorce was for the best and I also don't regret asking for it, but I'm still so sad. Never in my mind did I ever think I was going to be a divorcée. I know that doesn't mean I'm damaged or a failure, but it feels that way sometimes.

[theeconstructed]

Breathe me

You see my strength in my serious eyes and the smile on my mouth, but I am small. Not small enough. Sometimes I wish I were particulate so you could breathe me in and I could finally know you from the inside out.

[theeconstructed]

Disconnect

I often experience a disconnect between what I know to be true and what I feel. Example: I know I determine my worth and how I value myself. I feel small and worthless because of the lack of appreciation. Now I know what matters is my rational thought, but the feelings still remain.

[elementk2]

Studio Ghibli Posters - Jack Bloom

[theeconstructed]

Ghibli Poster Art: Shot through the heart. Too cute!!!

[jenjenrose-artist]

In honor of my dog who passed away. we experienced a lot of the same things together, so I wrote this to be read in either her, or my perspective.

[rattbag]

I’m actually crying really really hard

[theeconstructed]

Can't stop the tears

[theeconstructed]

Pity Party for One

Sometimes I feel like not calling anybody to see how long it takes for someone to initiate contact, who does it and for what.

[theeconstructed]

House Colors