my name is Caspian, as you may have already realised. as of todays date, 22 March of 2017, i am officially beginning my journey of being transgender/transitioning. I’ll be going from physically being female to being male. i have not started testosterone nor am I im therapy. however, I’ve been struggling with this quite literally my entire life. I’ve got to start somewhere.
Being transgender is not something new for me. i realised i was different when i was around 5 years old. i realised i was not alone maybe around grade 6.
I don’t have a close enough friend that i feel comfortable with talking to about this so I figured tumblr would be a good way to go. i won’t be posted my face as I’m not yet ready to share my feelings.
I wrote a letter to my mother years ago, before I knew trans was a thing. a real thing. i remember the tyra episode when i got home from school. and I’ll never forget it. anyways, i left this letter for my mom to find. “im supposed to be a boy” she came to me maybe a day later and said it was a phase. she meant no ill will. i think she honestly thought it was a phase. my mother is rather open minded, I’ll never blame her for holding me back, though it occurred me more than once.
i put it to the back of my mind. but the feeling never went away.
i continued to live and soon i realised that i like girls the way that i being born female was supposed to like boys. i fought myself and somehow decided, i was going to live how i was “supposed” to live.
that didn’t stop me from being a “lesbian” i thought okay, this is more acceptable and i can’t help it. I must be a lesbian" so i did that, i tried hard to convince myself that that was what i was. just a studly lesbian. but still, trans was in my mind. and so i lived that way. it went well for a while. until i realised im never going to be happy, I’ll never have courage, I’ll never want to be close to someone.
now i realised when i first heard the saying “you can’t love someone until you love yourself” and while i knew deep down it was true. i fought it hard. thinking nooo, i got this. well time went on and i know now it’s true. i don’t have this. i need to be happy. and since i was a child i knew happiness, for me, was being a boy.
as trans becomes more acceptable, however slowly, I’ve watched several people i know and admire, begin to transition and I’ve watched become so happy, so free, so much more than they ever were before. and i want that for myself. even if i end up alone, I’d be happier as a man.
from a young age i became okay with the fact that I’d be alone. I’ll have friends that invite me to their parties and get togethers but I’ll never have a date and I’ll never be anything special, while my friends have families and stable lives and travel and live.
but i have hope that will change if i summon the courage to finally come out as trans. it will change my whole life.
when my father found out i liked girls, he was not happy. my mother was my saviour here. bless my father for having his beliefs because for my mothers sake he learned to love my past my gayness enough his beliefs were against it.
my parents are saints they are. in their own ways.
my father is the number one reason is so afraid. im his only “daughter” he was crushed before but this may kill him . my mother would accept my coming out with open arms and she would ultimately save me from my fathers wrath. though… i don’t know that i would ever be okay with taking his daughter away from him..
when im who im supposed to be, I’ll give him the perfect granddaughter.
this is my opening post and I’ll probably edit it as its 3am and thoughts aren’t all here but i always write best at this hour
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