The Cold Black River

auteur as fuck

[thefallingdream]

it doesn't have all-all of my links on it, like I still observe the first rule of tumblr and I doubt anyone cares about my ravelry profile and I don't actually have a twitter anymore so click that one at your own risk

BUT

I have a website for where you can always find me and my stuff

www.thefallingdream.com

I mean lbr they're gonna have to chase me out with a broom when they dismantle this wretched dive but I have stuff in other places anyway

[thefallingdream]

Look at this gamer :3

it's what, nine months? since the vet gave her one or two. She's doing great (for a thirteen year old diabetic cat with terminal cancer). She misses more jumps, sleeps more, the day will come, but for now she's still happy and full of purrs

[aholefilledwithtwigs]

Made an entry for the WA/Venus Theory production contest

[thefallingdream]

also made an entry for the WA/Venus Theory production contest

(yes that is a @problemglyphs thumbnail)

[thefallingdream]

Surprise! I released a new EP this week! More post-industrial, more haunted, more vibes. Somebody who is good at marketing copy help me out here, it's like if NIN and Coil had a gayass baby and it was abducted by aliens and then dropped in that swamp from True Detective with a bag of RCs and no pants. Get it, get it now.

thefallingdream.bandcamp.com

[thefallingdream]

Surprise! I released a new EP this week! More post-industrial, more haunted, more vibes. Somebody who is good at marketing copy help me out here, it's like if NIN and Coil had a gayass baby and it was abducted by aliens and then dropped in that swamp from True Detective with a bag of RCs and no pants. Get it, get it now.

thefallingdream.bandcamp.com

[thefallingdream]

accidentally made a tarot spread zine. I hope you don't need it but if you do I want you to have it.

Deadfall by The Falling Dream

a tarot spread for starting over

[thefallingdream]

blood test for miss covergirl today, I didn't expect her to stick around long enough to need one but she's been off the special diabetic food about four and a half months and doesn't seem in a hurry to leave so I figured it was time. Mostly good, one of her kidney markers was a little on the high side of normal but lots of things can raise that one and the other more importanter one was normal and good.

Spot glucose was way up over last test, which was a year ago, but that's not a big deal. Fructosamine was 382, up from 364, which is still in the acceptable range but getting into the high end. We may raise her insulin by half a unit, I need to talk to the vet again.

Anyway. Gabapentin. Fucking miraculous.

[thefallingdream]

just had a month off social media on purpose and ngl I'm probably gonna dip out again, this really isn't interesting or fun anymore

anyway Khoshekh is still here, we don't know for how long but we caught her chasing her tail a few days ago so she still has quality of life, here's kitty tax

[thefallingdream]

time to move Khoshekh onto kitten food. She's having more and more trouble chewing, still wants all the chicken though.

When we first got the diagnosis we thought she wouldn't make it three whole weeks, two months later she's still here. Demanding more chicken.

[thefallingdream]

she had some kind of abscess burst straight into my hand on Wednesday. At least it wasn't stinky like the ones they get from fighting, still a handful of unpleasant tho

the vet put her on a course of antibiotics so she doesn't get a bone infection on top of everything else, more meds I have to put in this cat twice a day, but only for ten days

her purrs came back with the gabapentin, I don't think I said, but she's purring so loud rn because she's full of high-calorie paste and drugs

[thefallingdream]

time to move Khoshekh onto kitten food. She's having more and more trouble chewing, still wants all the chicken though.

When we first got the diagnosis we thought she wouldn't make it three whole weeks, two months later she's still here. Demanding more chicken.

[thefallingdream]

been spending an inordinate amount of every day persuading this little cat to eat her drugs so I can keep her a bit longer, but as long as it keeps working ima keep doing it

[thefallingdream]

So this morning I was getting ready for work and there’s this plaintive howling at my window, so I opened the window to see if there were any survivors and this. Random. Cat. Just hops in, does a lap of my flat, and settles in like Emperor of the Universe. She’s still here, the window’s open so she can leave and go home any time she wants to but she’s just sleeping on my bed like it’s not even my bed it’s hers.

So I was like “where did you come from?” at her and then I started singing Cotton Eye Joe (if you don’t sing to cats you’re just wrong), so I’m calling her Emperor Joe Random while she’s visiting.

Someone loves her, she’s healthy and very friendly, so I’m going to try to find her home and get her back there. I can’t feel a chip under her skin but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. She doesn’t have a tattoo but I gather those aren’t standard round here so she may be desexed or not, I can’t tell. If she’s still here on Monday I’ll take her up to the City Vet, they do free checks and care for found/stray cats. Sadly there’s a lot of strays and abandoned kitties in this town, in fact there’s a huge semi-supported colony about two blocks over from my house. She’s not from there. Her coat is very soft & glossy, and she’s fine with being picked up for cuddles and belly rubs, so I’m certain she’s got a loving home to go back to.

If I can’t find her people though, and if she doesn’t wander home on her own, the landlady is cool with me keeping her, and the cat is apparently cool with keeping me, in a “ok I’m here now you do what you like but make sure it includes food and pettins” kind of way.

[thefallingdream]

it's our 12th anniversary. I don't know if she knows, probably not. She pinned me to my chair at 1:30am and watched the Homestuck pilot with me and wouldn't let me go to bed though so maybe? Here she is yesterday, stopping me from sweeping.

We originally booked the vet to come round on the 18th, but gabapentin gave her a little more time. A cat that is suffering doesn't sprawl in a sunbeam, and as long as she has quality of life I don't want to cut it short.

Last night she was sitting in the doorway with her zoomy face on, I had to step past her and she went zoom, and as she dashed away from me she very clearly, distinctly, I can not stress this enough, said "nyoom!"

I love her so much.

[thefallingdream]

gabapentin 50mg oral solution 1ml 2x daily

she is very relaxed

[thefallingdream]

so this has worked fucking miracles. It took a couple of days for her to adjust to being stoned out of her tiny brain all day but the inflammation around the tumor(s) has gone down, the bleeding and oozing has dried up, she's chill and playful and happy and snuggly, she's still struggling to chew but less.

We're keeping a close eye on her but we may postpone the inevitable a little longer.

[thefallingdream]

gabapentin 50mg oral solution 1ml 2x daily

she is very relaxed

[thefallingdream]

It's the 9th today. The 28th would be the 12th anniversary of when she jumped in my window. I don't know if we're gonna make it. It's going fast. The vet said she might have a couple of months but I'm starting to think that was optimistic. Last Monday, the 1st, I noticed a small lump on her jaw and I called the vet immediately because facial abscesses are no joke. We took her in the next morning, Tuesday the 2nd, and we've covered what happened there. I believe in heroic measures, I believe that everything alive wants to live, but in a very real way that's what's killing her. A cell that didn't die at its appointed time became two became four became too many too fast. Wednesday the 3rd I sent the day on PubMed reading up on outcomes and Thursday the 4th I made an appointment for Friday the 12th to discuss palliative care. Saturday the 6th I walked down alone to pick up loxicom for her pain. Yesterday, Monday the 8th, a large bleeding ulcer developed inside the mouth edge of the cronenbergian situation taking over her face. I don't think the loxicom is doing much to help her. As of Sunday the 7th she's largely withdrawn under the bed, though she still comes out, especially when I ask if she wants chicken. As of yesterday she doesn't seem to want me to touch her. She's losing her purr. Her purr could fill a room, and she's losing it.

Friends have reached out with such kindness and care and I don't have the bandwidth to respond individually, I just have to hope they know I appreciate them and it means a lot.

I have to go to the vet today and pick up more wet food. I'll ask if they can give her something a little stronger for the pain. I'll ask some other things too. I already knew a week ago what I have to do, I'm just going to have to do it so much sooner than I thought. I thought I would have more time. I thought I could keep her for longer.

[thefallingdream]

gonna be down in the mud howling and screaming and trying to bargain with god, if anyone wants to come with

[thefallingdream]

I strongly suggest never looking up feline mandibulectomy if you don't absolutely need to.

I spent yesterday on PubMed reading up on outcomes.

Today I made an appointment to discuss palliative care.

Yesterday also I got an automated text from the vet with a link to a feedback survey. I absolutely don't blame the staff, they've always taken excellent care of her and I recognise the meddling hand of a corporate parent when I see it.

I wrote:

You don't need this survey system. It's unnecessary and insensitive. On the grounds that the system is fully automated and there's no way to disable it on case by case basis, it is unfit for purpose. Whatever ghoulish, metrics-driven son of a cheap business school pushed it into the workflow is also unfit for purpose, as veterinary care requires humanity. This is the only feedback I can reasonably offer at this time.

You can imagine what I didn't write.