Empathy for your fellow feedists
Hang around the feedism community for long enough, and you will inevitably see a melodramatic post from someone yearning for “the good old days of the feedism community”. A time when there was less drama. When interactions were less transactional. When people were generally happier, nicer, and more excited to see fat loving weirdos like themselves on the internet. These posts generally elicit strong responses, ranging from nostalgic agreement to wholehearted dissent, likening said comments to boomers waxing on about America in the 50’s and 60’s. It’s impossible to ignore the divides these comments expose within our community - divides we really can’t afford given the diminutive stature of our kinky safe space. We’re a small group - all with similar wants, needs, and desires - and in my humble opinion, we should stick together. In this post, I’m going to try and explain what “the good old days” actually were, and how it was a one-time thing that can’t ever be replicated. I’ll also touch on bigger socioeconomic factors that occurred after the good old days, and how they drove some of the changes we’ve seen in the online community. In the end, what I’m trying to encourage is empathy for each other.
The “good old days”
My first encounter with the feedism community came during the days of fat friendly Yahoo groups, but the OG feedism faction has to be Dimensions Magazine from the 90’s. We’ve come a long way from that print publication, jumping online with the Dimensions forum, growing further with Fantasy Feeder, carving out subgroups on Tumblr and Reddit, and creating more specialized sites like FF Ambrosia and the short-lived feedism.net. All of these communities were lifelines to disconnected fat fetishists like yours truly, showing that yes, there were other folks out there that felt the way you do, and no, you’re not alone. However, it’s impossible to understate the absolute explosion in feedism activity that occurred after the introduction of Feabie. Suddenly, we had fat Facebook. A place to meet people, post about your day, share a spicy picture or two, and organize local events. Meetups popped up everywhere, organized and populated by some of the nicest people you’d ever met. Content exploded - stories, pictures, art, and even podcasts. Relationshipy people started relationships, and hookupy people hooked up. It was amazing - all of the fat fetishists from around the world finally had a place to meet and gather, and we were overjoyed to see one another. I like to think of this period as comparable to what San Francisco must have been like in the 1967… Jimi Hendrix ripping sweet guitar licks in Golden Gate park, everyone high and happy, free love and all that jazz. A monumental simultaneous first time introduction of people that shared an intense common interest. Feabie burned bright for that first year, and I doubt it’s a time period that will ever be replicated. As we all know, the honeymoon period only lasts for so long - then you have to live with those you’ve met.
Factors bringing us to where we are now
Unfortunately the demise of the Feabie honeymoon was only one of several factors that hurt the feedism community. Here is a list that is by no means exhaustive - I’d love to hear if there are others that I’ve forgotten.
That nagging little global catastrophe known as the COVID-19 pandemic. It’s tough to foster a strong community when everything abruptly moves online, not to mention the economic struggles and mental health issues that come with time spent in isolation. I know several of us used the pandemic as an excuse to finally give in to our suppressed feedism desires, but IMO the impact of the pandemic has still been net negative to our community’s collective well being.
Trump was elected president. Suddenly the guy with the bully pulpit was giving dog whistles to racists and openly encouraging Americans to act upon our worst instincts. The shittiest of people felt enabled to espouse their grievances about whatever disadvantaged group they pleased - punching down on minorities, LGBTQIA folks, and of course fat people. Because of Trump and the Republican Party, feedists are now even more exposed to societal hate than we were 5-10 years ago. (And sorry if you thought the “both sides coming together” attitude of this post would extend to politics. I have my pet peeves with the Dems, but I have zero love for the Republican party and the damage it’s done to the feedism community, amongst other things).
Inflation (and not the fun kind). Food and housing has gotten a lot more expensive, and wages haven’t kept up. A hedonistic evening of fattening debauchery might have cost $20-30 before the pandemic, and now it’s almost double. It’s a massive bummer that some people are bring priced out of this kink, especially when other kinks come for free (looking at you, feet people 😛).
Bad publicity and the invasion of normies. Through other social media outlets, our feedist safe space has been exposed time and time again to the general public. While I’m sure there have been several positive introductions as a result, the negative ones have been tough to deal with, to say the least. Verbal abuse, doxxing, and impersonation have resulted from bad actors discovering a vulnerable population it could take advantage of.
And finally, we became a bit incestious. This is by no means anyone’s fault, but a natural side effect of a community with limited numbers. If you only have a small handful of fat fetishists in your area, odds are that you’ve talked to, hung out with, or even dated some of them. No friendship or relationship is perfect, and the resulting animosity adds up.
So what do we do about it?
Despite the barrage of bummers listed above, I’m optimistic about the future of our community. Seriously, I really am. We’ve come a long way and dealt with a lot of crap, and are stronger for it. Compared to a few years ago, we have thicker skin, and are much more willing and able to tell the haters to fuck off. The next challenge, in my opinion, is recognizing that it’s gotten a lot harder to be a feedist as of late, and supporting each other through it with empathy. More specifically:
Empathy for those who need money to fund stuffings. I know the transaction of funds can create a weird dynamic of expectations, but at the end of the day, someone has to pay for that buffet and the multitude of desserts afterward. I’m not sure what a truly equitable breakdown of funds looks like, but it’s something that should be talked about openly without the weird stigma that currently exists. Food is expensive now, and the cost should no longer be an unspoken burden that is (more often than not) bared by feedees.
Empathy for those with their defenses up. If you’re a guy on Feabie, ask a female friend to see screenshot of their notifications bar. You’ll be absolutely shocked - in all likelihood you’ll see hundreds of messages from dudes playing the numbers game trying to get dates and freebies. So don’t get upset or take it personally when your finely crafted introduction message gets no response, or your brand new body pic gets no likes. Women on Feabie are constantly barraged with attention, and you would react similarly in their situation. Go to a meetup, join the public discourse, and shift your focus to making likeminded friends.
Empathy for newbies, because we’ve all been there. See a new person asking an obvious question? Give them a non-sarcastic answer. See someone quiet and timid at a meetup? Strike up a conversation. See someone acting like a douchenozzle on the newsfeed? Engage them directly and set a positive example. See someone hating on fat people and feedism? Still tell them to fuck off.
Empathy for past friends, past lovers, and past feedist partners. This one is especially difficult, because there are so many examples of valid reasons to hate someone’s guts after a relationship ends. In normal life, you’d cut that person out completely, your friend group would agree that he/she was a piece of shit, and you’d move on. That isn’t really possible in the feedism community anymore… we’re all 1 or 2 degrees separated from each other. Again this is tough because where do you draw the line? Abusers should be named and shamed, but what about people whose relationship just doesn’t work out? I worry about what kind of community we’ll become if we can’t break up amicably.
Empathy for feedees who don’t want to gain. I’ve written about this in the past, but getting fat in modern society puts a huge target on your back. Just because ‘thick is in’ doesn’t mean you’re immune to disparaging comments from relatives at thanksgiving, or concerned looks from friends who haven’t seen you in a while. Some people just don’t want that kind of negativity in their lives, and that is totally valid. Also valid are feedees who start to gain, and later decide it’s not for them. They may be acting as a result of health issues, career focus, financial concerns, or pure vanity. All are valid. Two things that are true simultaneously:
You’re no less of a feedee because you aren’t fat or gaining.
Feedees who get fat are total badasses for pushing through external societal pressures.
I sincerely hope this post provides some context around how the community has changed, and why some folks might yearn for days past. While I do believe that those days are gone, I also think our best days are yet to come - we just have to act like an empathetic community to get there. I’d love for this to be the start of a conversation about where we want to go as feedists, any existing movements that folks may not be aware of, and your personal experiences with how the community has evolved over time. Much love to you all you fellow weirdos.
