TheGiblet

Yo.

[thegiblet]

If a Bruce Wayne who didn’t lose his parents met Batman: I mean how bad could this dude be? I’m sure he got a lot of thera- oh shit. Who are you? That… THAT’S ME?! Nuh uh. What the fuck dude. Why’re you dressed in military grade armor? What’s with the points? Who’re these fucking kids clad in masks? Who’s Batman? World’s greatest detective??? Damn. Oh my parents are fine. They visit every weekend and play with the kids while I help out with the homeless relief program and use Wayne Enterprises to bring electricity to foreign nations. Oh shit you do that too?! Well at least you’re not totally fucked. So why is a detective dressed so scary? Oh it’s to spur fear in the hearts of criminals that you violently kick the shit out of. Okay but like why such heavy duty armor? What’re you stopping? A domestic terrorist? A genocidal clown, a roided out militant luchador, a psychiatrist clown lady who’s into the genocidal clown, a giant alligator man, a disfigured attorney with severe OCD, and a guy who likes puns. Riddles? Oh yeah cause that makes it less insane. “To name A FEW?” THAT’S NOT ALL?!? Hey quick question. Are these kids’ parents okay with them fighting these criminals? Oh they’re dead. Their parents are dead. Oh except for those two. One whose parents don’t know but he blackmailed you into letting him do this and that one is just actually your kid. His mom is a leader of an international assassin organization? You’re trying to be a good influence and not letting him kill? Yeah I feel that’s the goal of most parents. Jesus. Thank god I preferred going to the symphony and not the opera. Your shit is fucked up dude. Oh you know Superman! I love Superman!

[thegiblet]

“I’m not sure we can ‘but mom he followed me home’ into a new pet this time, bud.” I say to my brother. The camera pans over revealing the most dead Mitch McConnell you’ve ever seen.

[thegiblet]

[thegiblet]

The fortune teller may have drawn the Tower at my recent reading but that won’t stop my trip to Shibuya on October 31st. Happy Halloween!!

[thegiblet]

Lego City is being invaded by the Emperor’s Sardaukar and the Harkonnens. YOU can build the Fremen faith and wage a holy jihad on the galaxy to align humanity with the golden path.

[thegiblet]

Yippee another day of good weather. I hope to do something kind for someone today! Maybe be productive.

My impulsive thought entity in the corner smoking a cigarette: Steal God’s catalytic converters. Befriend that not-deer. Live fast, die young. Frame Smokey the bear for a crime.

[thegiblet]

I hope my next relationship is going to be with someone who will either

A: have to fight to keep me from eating marbles

Or B: Be fighting me to eat more marbles than me.

Either way. When I hear the “what are you chewing on?!?!” From the other room. That’s my cue to start chewing faster.

[thegiblet]

The gunman aims his rifle at me and as I hear the trigger click and the muzzle flash there’s a streak of red that passes in front of me and I look over and see The Flash is posing heroically. I look down and realize that he phased through each bullet allowing them to hit my vital organs. The gunman looks just as confused as me. I fall over and die.

[thegiblet]

Both Batman and Spiderman have some of my favorite rogues galleries. I would love to see a crossover where each get sent to the other’s city. I want to see Spiderman hit Bane so hard that bane gets sent flying. I want to see Batman out-box the Kingpin. I want to see Peter Parker geek out about the tech in the batcave and Batman separated from his resources and have to rely on his other skills and willingness to be brutal. Batman villains being used to someone using stealth and quick, brutal hits are now faced with a skinny dude in bright colors that they can’t manage to hit and he’s rage baiting them the entire time.

[thegiblet]

[thevillainsmustache]

It's only a blowjob if it's from the Bleau-Jobbe region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling head.

[thegiblet]

You’re never eating alone when you eat at McDonalds. It really is you and that E. Coli against the world.

[thegiblet]

My new doctor entered the room covered in shadowy robes and asked how I was doing. I cheerfully said “I have been graced with good weather today.” His hood turned to look at me. “You would mistake the sun’s warmth as benevolence?” His hood then moved to look at my legs. A decrepit finger breaches the sleeve to point at my recent sunburn. “Would you also mistake the sun’s warmth as malice?” There’s a pause followed with a rigid “neeeeeed fluuuuuu shot”.

[thegiblet]

Sometimes the best distraction your character can do is to jump off of a roof in front of guards so they don’t find the rest of the party trespassing. It’s then very crucial for your character to take minimal damage and have to pretend to be injured. You try to show signs of concussion by having character throw up. Character actually throws up blood (you’re a dhampir; not your blood). Guards drag you away to get you to a doctor. Doctor bad because Doctor gonna know you not human (dhampir). You try to leave a trail of your things for the party to find you. Guards see your stuff is being left behind and kindly keep retrieving it for you. Party is smart though, they catch up to the situation. There’s a very clear next step here though when the situation remains guards-bring-you-to-doctor, you remember a trait that you have that’s never been useful in DnD ever in existence. You don’t need to breathe (dhampir). Next step becomes to pretend to just die during the commotion. Everyone (including party; only one person knows you’re a dhampir and they still get convinced) freaks out. They don’t see you breathe and fail to find your pulse. Guards panic and leave. You get up and go home. Easy dub.

[thegiblet]

Lisan Al-Dente

[thegiblet]

The Wizard’s homunculus that I babysit: “Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world…”

Me: yeah man.

Homunculus: “There is another world, but it is in this one”

Me *furrowing my brow*: huh…

Homunculus: “In dreams begin responsibil-“

Me: hey man. You feeling okay? You’ve been quoting Irish Poet, William Yeats a lot lately?”

Homunculus: … …

Homunculus: “I’m looking for the face I had, before the world was made.”

Me: Alright bud. Let’s you and me go check on the carbon monoxide alarm. Make sure it’s working.

[thegiblet]

It is completely legal to glue lids onto their respective jars in someone else’s house.