WritingsOntheWall @thegracieescape - Tumblr Blog

Posts

@daniiigirltx @vnvvvr @prospathw-na-zhsw @loveislove24 @allahismyonlyhope @greekdolans @neontiger007 @starrynightsandfries @atlami @destiel-holmes-blog @i-just-want-you-here-right-now @girldonttemptme @adecadel8 @daddys-lil-punkin @modernexperiment @linzayexplainsitall @sugarhoneyx @okiesugarprincess-blog @wingedblacktip @thatsugardoll @okprincess9 @collegecocoasugar @ohchellno @funwithllamas @sorellasugar @you-should-see-my-reportcard @bleachvii

Ray-Ban Sunglasses

I’ve been single for three months. Can you believe that this is the longest I have been single since I was 15 years old. I don’t even mean the type of single where I am trying to get over an ex, so I’m rebounded off other boys. I don’t even mean the type of single where I’m sleeping around or searching desperately. I am the type of single where I avoid texts from boys like the plague and would choose literally anything over going on a shitty date.

I was in a three year relationship from the time I was 18-21 with a human that was even more fucked up than I am. Then I dated the best human in the world for maybe 6 months. Then I got dumped. Then I went on a few shitty, mundane dates with boys who pretended to be nice guys but really just wanted to get in my pants. I went out with boys who visibly wanted me to be different than I am. I kept trying to fit into these cookie cutter molds that I didn’t fucking want to be in. I saw my worth as a human, but these men didn’t hold me to the same standard I held myself. No, I’m not going to sleep with you because you bought me a few drinks. No, I don’t want to date you after the third date. No, I won’t marry you in a year. And hell no I won’t stop being the drinking, potty mouth, liberal you don’t want me to be. This is me!

So, I’m dating myself. I’m dating my friends. I’m dating my job. I’m dating my house. I stopped giving these men so much of my time and energy, and just started giving that shit back into myself, my personal relationships, and my environment. And guess what? I fucking love it.

To: Adventure

The last time I sat in AA, we had to categorize all the things most important to us. I claimed your basic things like stability, feeling loved, hope, family, etc. One thing that I hesitated to put into my pile was adventure. When I think of adventure, only one thing comes to mind. That thing is a person who I fight every day to forget.

Relationships are a magical thing. It's like reading a book of fantasy for the first time. You have a sense from the very beginning how it will end,just by looking at the cover, but you have to read it all the way through. Once you get to the end, you can never read it over again the same way. Then, when you tell your friends about it or even think back on the parts that stick out in your brain, you can only remember the highlights.

If I could name the main character of my most recently finished book, it would be adventure.

My entire life I've loved to push boundaries but I never knew exactly where to safely find my thrills. I never trusted my own sense of adventure because it usually got me into trouble. Eventually, I just wanted to follow along in other people's adventures. Then I found the most exciting adventure yet.

The scariest, most fun adventure was that of the past three years. It was driving aimlessly toward possible destinations, never knowing where we would sleep. Some nights it would be sleeping under the stars, next to the beach. Other things it would be popping bottles in a luxury hotel.

The adventures took us on ghost hunts, in small town graveyards. It took us snorkeling into mangrove trees we paddle-boarded an hour to get to. The adventure was endless summers, rap concerts, all the fairs we could find, and more hours in the car than I could even count. It was getting woken up at 3 in the morning and hearing "get dressed, we're leaving," rarely knowing where we were going.

Adventure built me blanket forts in the living room. Adventure and I were team-sport dancing partners, who could show up anyone else in the room. We were professional co-pilot wedding attendees. We were the doubles couple behind the wake. Adventure took me camping for a week straight, throughout an entire state. Adventure drove me to be an alcoholic, unknowingly, but held my hair back the whole time. It was skinny dipping all the time, dancing around the gym, and yelling "worldstar" at every altercation.

Nothing was stable. Everything was sporadic. I know that's why everyone falls for adventure.

My book could be 1,000 pages long, because adventure is fun. The problem is that it's temporary. Adventure is something you seek out when you need a break from reality. It's something you use to run from your problems. Adventure is lonely because no matter how many fun things you see and experience, you're not home.

Adventure was so much fun and gave me some of the most exciting years of my life, but eventually you have to return to stability. Sometimes adventure hurts, and puts a deep strain on the heart. Adventure wants as many people to participate in the fun as possible. It's enticing and mysterious. Adventure is never just for one person, but for one person to get what they need from that experience and move on. Although you spend so much time following your passion through this one, beautiful experience, you have to know that it's never monogamous or long-term.

My travels took me down paths of insecurity, trust issues, and feelings of being devalued. The most gorgeous views were often tainted with the underlying knowledge that adventure would never claim me, nor anyone, as their own. I fought to make adventure want me, and only me, but no amount of begging and pleading could give that to me. Eventually, I had to tell adventure goodbye, with a heavy heart, and make my long journey back to shelter.

So I sit in my bedroom, fingering through this novel I've tried to keep hidden away on the shelf. Sometimes I get restless, and think of returning for one more adventure, admittedly. It still reaches out for me occasionally. But then I look over at safety and stability, and realize that I've embarked on the most beautiful adventure I could've imagined- to be endlessly happy in my own home.

Maybe one day I'll see adventure in passing, with whatever traveler passing through, and know that I successfully ended a dangerous voyage without completely losing my all.

This month has taught me that falling in love is not hard, complicated, messy, or scary when you are letting the right person catch you. I have spent the last year of my life playing emotional tag with a man who would never fully commit to me. I tried being everything he asked me to be, along with trying to be like him myself. In the end, we both just ended up being hurt beyond belief.

One year ago, I met the most amazing human, but I was still so stuck on my ex that I cut him off after two weeks. We had a connection like none other. On our first date we sat across a starbucks table and laughed for four hours. It felt like only minutes. He was almost too good to be true, way too good for me anyways. I anticipated that it would be much like my previous love. The feeling of “too good to be true” would, in fact, be too good and I would end up crying every other night again. My life felt much like a roller coaster that was dependent upon our good standing. The days he loved me, I was on top of the world. The days I found out about other girls, or even the days he was mad at me, my world would come crashing down. There was never a consistent flow of positivism, and it felt like a toxic addiction I could never quite shake. We both became miserable, I believe.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I pushed the most amazing human away because I knew I would have been a shitty girlfriend then. I was stuck on something I knew could never be. This year came to a close and I was so done with being on a whirlwind of disaster dating. I had finally found a peace about myself and a distaste for anyone (including my ex) that was going to continue playing with my heart. Over the course of the year, my thoughts continued coming back to this man I had left in the dust. I wanted so badly to reach out to him. I assumed he would hate me after playing the flakey girl game. I never did, and continued wondering.

November 17th he reached out to me. We’ve been infatuated with one another since that day. Ya’ll, it feels like a type of relationship I never knew I deserved. He drove four hours round trip just to meet my parents and spend the day with me. He’s everything I could have asked for and more. He shows me off to his friends, and tells me every day how beautiful I am. He puts me on his social media (this is a HUGE deal to me, considering past experiences) and gives me constant reassurance. He uses his phone in front of me, and never has anything to hide. He lives in uptown, in a beautiful condo where we walk everywhere. He watches all my shows with me, loves cuddles even more than I do, and will do literally anything just to spend time with me. Not to mention, my parents are crazy about him. He plans for our future, and tells me he wants to be with me for as long as possible. Despite being an attractive, professional, well-rounded human, he’s so humble. I’ve never had another person treat me so well. There’s no doubt in my mind about his loyalty, and I truly do not want to do anything to hurt this. That’s why, after three long years of riding roller coasters, I hopped off. I have no remorse or regret about it, because YO GIRL IS MONOGAMOUS.

I feel so badly for the next girl who hops on. I wish I could tell her that she’s going to go through hell. I accepted such poor treatment. I became okay with letting my mans hoe around, because that was the only way I felt like I could keep him. I had accepted, in my little brain, that “this is just who he is, but I love him, so I just have to accept it.” NO BITCH. Girl, my new mans is the answer to my prayers. It’s like the universe is rewarding me after a long hike through the darkest, scariest forest. My old mans made me feel like my mistakes made me who I was. I was worthless, and of no value anymore. NO GIRL. My new mans puts me on a pedestal so high that even if I wasn’t worth anything to anyone else ever, I would still be his shining prize. This is such a beautiful feeling.

Confession: I’m addicted to self sabatoge, but I pull it off so beautifully

I am in love with a man, whom I have loved wrecklessly for 3+ years. We tried being committed and monogamous for the greatest portion of it (or I️ did), but we are too much alike now in our infedilital ways. I almost feel as though that’s how I love him so much. We both understand how things “should” be, but we both know the natural wants and needs of life. He’s cheated on me and lied to me, and I’ve returned the stabs equally. Somehow I still find myself running into his arms at every chance, to fill my jar of mayhem and disphoria once again. It’s addicting, the dysfunction. We fight and argue like none other, but the moment we connect through our common, fucked up vibes it all feels right. In his arms are my favorite place to be. He’s the man I want to live in chaos with forever, because it makes me feel so god damn alive. Maybe more than any drug ever has. I’m addicted to his charm and beauty. I’m addicted to the way he makes me feel, when nothing else can make me feel at all. He’s the type of man I will want to cheat on my husband with.

To everyone else I am Graceful. I️ am picture perfect for what you would want your 21 year old daughter to be. Attends college, elementary school teacher, nursery attendant, school board, honor student, pre-grad school, healthy, pretty-face type basic bitch. But he sees right through me when no one else does. I love that shit. How lonely is it to know that 99% of people just see you for what you want them to see. But that 1% really fucking sees you. Sees through you.

He lies to me, a lot. I’ve adapted a third sense to know when he does. I don’t want to know when he’s lying because the only real thing is what YOU believe. As long as it’s real to me, I don’t care. I don’t blink anymore. It fuels my lust for him. Lie to me, because you don’t want me to see through you, but you know I do baby.

Something that was necessary to staying sain in the midst of this ruckus was getting my shit together on my own. That’s where self love came in. I don’t care what he thinks of me. Because we are one in the same on the spectrum of fucked up individuals. The moment I lose myself in him and let him define me, is when I lose all sanity.

He will be unfaithful to every girl he enters into a relationship with. Unfortunately, I feel as though I have also adapted that trait also. Relationship has lost their value to me. How does one throw so much time and energy into a lie, when all it ends up being is just a lie. I understand why women become permiscuous. Throw your heart at one man and he gives it away, therefore give it to no man and keep it that way.

I have several men fighting for my attention right now. I️ haven’t slept with any of them, and I give none of them my attention in return. The secret, I’ve learned, is to not care at all. Leave them on read, don’t reply to texts, but give slivers of hope every now and again. Don’t let them too close, but don’t let them get to far away. I learned from the best, by getting played myself. My baby still tries to play me, but he’s made me care less and observe more. He taught me the game well. My secret agenda keeps me on track. I get all the attention I need, without wanting it or demanding it from the one person I can’t keep my mind (or hands) off of. I hate him, but if he dropped down on one knee tomorrow I would figure out how to make it work.

The men fighting for my attention are all high-quality men. Attractive, professional, successful, courteous, and nice. They all see me as Grace. The girl mentioned above, of higher value than all the others girls. They don’t know me, and I️ want to keep it that way. So why don’t I like them? Why do I need something so badly that’s going to ultimately hurt me over and over again. Maybe I’m addicted to the extreme highs and lows. Maybe he’s the only one who can hurt me or make me feel vulnerable at all.

I fell out of love with other people, because I fell in love with myself.

One day I woke up and realized that the only way I was going to get the love I felt I deserved and needed, was if I give it to myself instead of demanding it from others.

Self-love was a concept so foreign to me. It was something I was so scared of. For so long it was a cheap cliche I didn’t understand. A concept I couldn’t understand and never wanted to take the time to. Fear made me question myself: What if I get lonely? Who’s going to re-assure me and tell me it will be alright? Who’s going to help me with tough decisions?

I learned that self-love answers all those questions. It’s me.

One night, after being hurt yet another time by my significant, he told me for the dozenth time that I needed to leave him. But this time he didn’t say “I’m sorry. I’ll change it.” He said I needed to leave him because he wasn’t going to change until he was ready. I guess that’s the point when I realized he was right. He was the only one who would ever make the conscious decision to stop hurting me, just like I was the only one who could make the decision to stop hurting me.

The realization hit me like a brick wall. The awful feeling of desperation ran through me because I was suddenly alone with only myself. For once, I consolidated that it was truly time to stop setting myself up for pain by returning to a situation that has repeatedly hurt me. Who won’t hurt me? Myself. In that I found shelter.

I woke up the next morning with a sense of self and safety. Immediately I set forth on a journey to find the love I wanted so badly. For once I didn’t begin a search for another person, but for myself.

I sat down and made a list of every thing that makes me happy, and how to acquire it. I meditated about my intentions and began a beautiful journey. I set new rules for myself. No longer would I worry about the actions of another person. I understood that their journey is their own and they, ultimately, will reap the consequences. I made a pact with myself to let go of worry and negativity, so I may open my heart up to anything and everything positive that would present itself. Almost immediately I set a higher tone with the universe and opportunities began to flow into my life.

Being alone gave me the motivation to reach toward the underlying passions I’ve craved so badly. I’ve picked up hobbies and met people through them that I would have never even thought of when my happiness relied on others. I set my tone for life.

In such a short amount of time I’ve had some of the most beautiful experiences through the understanding of self love.

Self love is using positive affirmations during mediation and ACTUALLY meaning them. I am beautiful. I love myself. I deserve the world.

Self love is looking in the mirror and noticing positive changes, not the flaws. It’s KNOWING that the hours of aerial silk, yoga, powerlifitng, and plyometrics is not only making me a better person physically, but mentally.

Self love is putting aside those who are toxic (despite how desperately hard it may be) for the long run of not putting a damper on that beautiful flow you have going on.

Self love is adoring the time spent with others. It’s being in that moment with them, staying OUT of your head. Enjoying every second, because we’re both alive and connected by the universe.

Self love is saying “hell yes!” when you’re asked to spontaneously buy a $57 plane ticket to miami, skip a class just to paint,to try a new form of exercise, or dance with them in the middle of a train track on a chilly October night... because hey,(cliche) you do ONLY live once.

When I’m alone at night, I’m not lonely. I know not what I deserve from love, because I’m finally giving it to myself. Never again will I settle for less than that.

#self love #falling in love #love #self acceptance #appreciation #the universe

witchobroqueass

ruinedchildhood

💯💯💯💯💯💯

h3llabella

It’s so hard to leave, until you leave. And then it’s the easiest goddamned thing in the world.

Catcher in the Rye (via heyimjustbella)

larmoyante

Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it’s crazy, but that’s the only thing I’d really like to be.

J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye (via larmoyante)