Something I wrote for this weekâs @mandatoryfunday
I may make some changes before I post this to AO3.
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Bucky scrutinized his reflection and reached to fidget with his tie for the fifth or sixth time in as many minutes. Taking a deep breath, he stared without really seeing and mentally repeated the words that were so hard for him to believe.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy.
No matter how many times he thought the simple statement, his stomach would not settle down. Logically, Bucky knew that after more than half a century with Hydra it would take more time and effort to develop his self-worth. But he just wanted to feel normal; to be happy and not constantly worried that it would all disappear because everyone believed the negative voice in his head.
Bucky heaved a deep sigh as he turned from the mirror. He knew he looked the best he could; better than he usually did for date night. He knew the place they always went was pretty upscale but he usually just went with slacks and a button-up. Their monthly date night was something he always looked forward to; a nice dinner and a walk in the park on the way back to their apartment.
But tonight was even more special. As thought about it again his nerves came back with a vengeance. He wandered into the kitchen, grabbed a glass and filled it with some whiskey.
Taking a sip, he walked back to the mirror to once again check his appearance.
He sat heavily on the lid of the toilet and stared down at the amber liquid swirling in his glass. He reached into the inside pocket of his suit jacket to pull out the small silver ring. Staring at the little circle, it was hard to believe that this was the cause of all his turmoil tonight.
He downed the rest of the drink and felt it burn down his throat before settling warm in his stomach. Just a little courage. After placing the empty glass on the counter, Bucky sat another minute just breathing deeply. His therapist had told him to focus on the good things. Clintâs face immediately flashed through his mind. Clint was the best thing right now, his smile and sarcasm, even just the sound of his voice was enough to bring Bucky out of a bad mood.
After two years of knowing the man and a little over a year of dating, Bucky knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with that beautiful, amazing disaster. A man that was a gift to his life, a gift he didnât always feel he deserves. After all the terrible he has done in this world should he really be allowed the blessing of an amazing man for the rest of his life?
Just then the star of his thoughts stumbled into their apartment all decked out in a deep purple three piece suit. Bucky looked over at the sudden noise and heard Clint muttering an expletive with a harried look on his face. As Clint twisted around in an attempt to find the reason for his difficulty moving further into the room (the pocket of his jacket was caught on the knob), his elbow slammed into the hard edge of the door. Bucky felt a swell of love causing him to smile to himself.
âIâm so sorry Iâm late, Nat wouldnât let me leave her place until my outfit was âperfectâ. Even though I told her it would probably just get messed up on my way back here.â
Quickly tucking the ring back into his pocket, Bucky walked out to meet the other man. He pecked Clintâs lips and easily unhooked him from the door. Bucky pulled them further into the apartment, letting his eyes scan over the archer.
âNatasha did a great job, I bet this is going to be our best date night yet. I just finished getting ready, letâs go.â
They made their way to the small, intimate, and fancy restaurant where they had standing reservations once a month. It was a nice place that wasnât too far from their apartment and they could count on the discretion of the wait staff so they werenât mobbed every time they wanted to have a nice night.
Bucky had insisted they begin the monthly outing about a year ago. He wanted to make sure Clint felt loved and appreciated. Plus the routine of it all reminded Bucky of normal times. They could pretend that they werenât superheroes for a night, that they didnât have crazy people always trying to kill them. They could take a few hours and just be normal.
He knew Clint wasnât a huge fan of the dressing up part. Most date nights he would just throw on a decent pair of jeans and a clean shirt. Bucky didnât care, he just loved spending time with the other man. That didnât change the fact that he looked amazing in the suit Natasha had forced him into, and Bucky would never stop appreciating that sight.
Unfortunately, it appeared that the waiter was new. When he first walked up to the table he recognized Clint and stood for a few seconds gaping at the two men. After he finally recovered himself and took their drink order, his eyes landed on Buckyâs gleaming metal hand. He visibly gulped as the color drained from his face.
See he knows youâre a monster.
Bucky pushed the negative voice away and focused on Clint. The other man was beaming at him and animatedly recounting his day with Natasha. This amazing man loved him and he deserved to be happy.
The rest of dinner passed without incident. As dessert inches closer Buckyâs nervous energy grows. He planned to pop the questions once they had finished their customary creme brĂ»lĂ©e. However, with his growing nerves Bucky didnât notice how tightly he was gripping his wine glass. When the, thankfully empty, glass shattered under the pressure of his metal hand a couple members of the waitstaff rushed over. As he apologized profusely, he noticed that they all looked terrified and none of them would meet his eyes.
They all see it, they all know the monster you really are. No matter how much you deny it, you can not hide from your true nature.
Bucky sank in his seat while they waited for the check to be brought out. Once he had signed the receipt he wasted no time getting up and exiting the restaurant with Clint following.
As they stroll into the park Bucky starts fidgeting, he hasnât said anything since they left their table at the restaurant. While on the outside he may appear vaguely stoic, he is warring with himself on the inside.
Do you? You have destroyed and ended so many lives. Why should yours be good?
You deserve to be happy. The things you did were not your fault.
But does Clint deserve it? Does he deserve to be stuck with a monster like you forever?
You are not a monster. The men who controlled you were monsters. You are not that same person anymore. You deserve to be happy!
Before the negative side of Buckyâs mind could reply Clint bumped his shoulder. When Bucky looked up he saw in Clintâs expression that he had missed something. Clint was obviously waiting for a response to the last thing he said.
âI said, youâre being really quiet tonight and you seem upset. Whatâs on your mind?â Clint repeated as his eyes softened.
âNo, nothinâs wrong!â Bucky hesitated, âBut⊠I mean, I have been thinking about somethinâ quite a bit. Itâs justâŠâ
âWhat is it Buck? Câmon you know you can tell me anything.â Clint encouraged as he pulled them over to a bench.
Thatâs not true! Once he realizes what a monster you are heâll leave! Bucky shook his head to chase away the voice. âItâs just⊠why are you with me?â
âWhat are you talking about? I love you! You have the best sense of humor. You are constantly doing everything you can to make everyone elseâs life easier. You learned sign language when you first came to the tower even though you had plenty of other things to get used to âcause you noticed I forget my aids way to much. Youâre kind and caring but also a huge troll that I can always goof around with.â
Bucky felt the blush start on his ears and spread down his neck. He spluttered a little, âBu- but I am responsible for so many awful things, Iâm a killer.â
Clint gathered Buckyâs hands and pulled him a little closer. âYou are not! You have had some terrible things happen to you, but you are a good man. I love you, I consider myself lucky that I get to be with and I would happily spend the rest of my life with you.â
Bucky yanked his head up to stare wide-eyed at Clint. âWh- wh- what did you say?â
Clint froze. He felt his stomach drop, staring into Buckyâs eye it felt as though time stopped. After a long time, that was probably only a second or two, Clint started to pull his hands away, muttering, âIâm sorry, I donât want to push you into anything.â
âNo no no!â Bucky nearly shouted as he grabbed for Clintâs hands again. âItâs just-â Just a little courage. Bucky fished around in his pocket and pulled out the ring and held it out to the other man wordlessly.
