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Mmm... Sweet release.

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Void Juice®
give me a source on where i can buy this
GIVE ME A FUCKING SOURCE
Mmm... Sweet release.
The Bagel Incident
It was a bright, if not a tad blustery, fall day as Sam made his way to the local coffee shop. It was called Brett’s Beans. Sam didn’t know who Brett was but knew that the man made some good coffee. It was his daily ritual. Eat something at home, hop on the train, stop off at Brett’s, and then head to work.
Today was a little different. Sam had awoken late. Not super late, like, he was still going to be on time for work. He was just running a little later than usual. This forced him to skip breakfast. That was ok though. Brett’s also had an assortment of breakfast-y pastries. He was also mostly sure that they did bagels and stuff like that.
Bagels. That was definitely the choice. Sam saw the brown faux-rustic sign of Brett’s Bean’s hanging down from the front of the store. He felt his stomach growl. He was absolutely ready to eat that damn bagel.
Sam entered the small coffee shop. The walls were covered in a dark wood paneling with all sorts of odd clocks hanging on the walls. Most of them were cute or goofy, with a few weird ones. The one in particular sam liked was a clock based on Salvador Dali’s famous painting, which Sam always felt was a little cooler than the rest. There were large brown couches and chairs for people to sit. The intermittent table for people to set their drinks and laptops. A small bar facing the windows for people to longingly look as they sipped their hot beverage.
The line was long. Longer than Sam remembered. He glanced down at a paper on the small paper tray next to him. Brett’s was in the news! Sam picked up the paper. The headline read: Brett’s Beans Goes National, Country going Bananas for Brett’s Beans! Sam chuckled to himself. It was cute, if a little dumb.
Sam felt a little bit of pride, however. The coffee shop that he had been going to since he moved to the city was getting bigger. He couldn’t help but feel that he was a part of it. An integral piece to the growth of this little shop. He looked around and was genuinely proud to have helped build the ship into what it was.
The line chugged along and Sam glanced down at his cell phone. Nothing particularly new. Finally, he reached the register.
“Hello!” The young woman at the counter smiled. She couldn’t have been more than twenty. She had medium brown skin with just a few freckles peeking through. Her dark hair was mashed down underneath the Brett’s Beans hat on her head.
“Hi, one medium coffee please. And an onion bagel with cream cheese,” Sam responded.
“No problem.” She said and typed in the order, “That’ll be $6.45.” Sam pulled the money from his wallet. A $10 bill. He quickly did his best to put the change back in his wallet and step out of line. He awkwardly shoved his wallet in his pocket as he moved.
Sam glanced up to see that his bagel was about to get put into a toaster oven hanging out on a counter behind the front.
“Oh, not toasted please.” He said,
The woman behind the counter stopped. The bagel had been placed on one of those trays you can easily grab with tongs and was about to go in. She looked at him. Looked at him as if he had just commited some sort of personal affront. Sam blushed. He didn’t know what to say, he just didn’t like toasted bagels.
It came it him slowly. As his embarrassment from the barista began to fade, the silence around him filled his ears. The light, worn wood of the floors and kitschy clocks and knick-knacks that hung from the walls passed through his vision as he noticed the stares of all the patrons. Each person in the coffee shop had stopped what they were doing, some seemingly mid-drink, to stare at Sam.
“You don’t want it toasted?” The barista asked. Sam’s attention snapped back to her. She was frozen in the same position.
“I… uh, yeah?” Sam stuttered.
She dropped the tray, both it and the bagel falling to the ground behind the counter with a clatter. It startled Sam. He backed away from the counter. A sense of dread began to fill his stomach. He felt the clench of a hand on his arm. He looked to his right to see a young, blonde woman in a hooded sweatshirt, hair up in a bun, grasping his arm. He felt the same sense on his left as his arm was held by a large man in a tan jacket, carrying a lizard skin briefcase.
Sam being to struggle. Both his assailants proved too strong for him and begin to drag him behind the counter. The floor was a brown tile with black rubber mats covering most of it. Crumbs lined the mats. Sam continued his struggle as the two continued to drag him. He looked around frantically and noticed all the patrons of the coffee shop had gotten up. They were beginning to form a line, single file, to follow his captors.
His heart raced as he continued his struggle against the two hold him. He did his best to shift his weight and wiggle his arms free but it was no use. The sweat was beginning to soak through his light blue button down shirt. He realized he might be late for work. He realized these people might kill him.
They came to the basement stairs. They were old and looked as though they might collapse. The barista was holding the door and the man and woman lifted Sam off his feet and began to carry him down. Had he not been so frightened, he might have been impressed.
“These stairs are terrible,” said the woman who was holding Sam
“We keep asking corporate to replace them, but they say it’s too much money,” responded the barista.
“Well, I am sorry they are being so selfish.” The woman paused momentarily, “They should really think of these things if we’re going to sacrifice the non-believers.” Sam looked around, trying to look at the face of the woman.
“What!?!” Sam exclaimed. The woman looked down at him. She had brown-blonde hair with light blue eyes. Her hair was up in a ponytail and looked as though it would go just past her shoulders, were it down. Her cheeks were sharp and her lips were pursed as if she was annoyed with his question.
“You know what you’ve done.” She retorted.
“No, I don’t,” Sam’s legs flailed as he still tried to break free from their grasp. The man grunted. Sam looked to his other side to see a face with a good amount of stubble and rounded cheeks. His eyes were a light brown, and only a tad lighter than his hair. His hair was curly and kept closer to his head.
“Not fucking toasted,” The man grumbled looking back to his path down the stairs, “I don’t know how you’ve made it this long.”
“What the fuck are you talking about!” Sam shouted. The pair carrying him paused sending a ripple through the line of people following them. The man looked over to the women, who sam felt shrug. A moment later he was falling down the last few steps and landed with a sharp thud on the concrete floor of the basement.
For a moment everything was still, then pain filled his body. His chest throbbed and his right arm, which he had landed, let out a sharp streak of pain as he tried to move it. He could feel his knees which had skidded across the floor. They stung in a fashion similar to road burn, like when he fell off his bike as a kid. His head was pounding. He had managed to shield it from hitting the ground when the landed with his arm. However, its contact with his arm bone still hurt. He heard a voice from behind him.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” It was the barista.
“What does it matter?” It was the man’s voice.
“It’s not protocol.” Her voice was cool and unfazed.
“Well, I’m sick and tired of these fuckers just-” He was cut off, but Sam couldn’t tell by what. He heard footsteps coming down the stair. It was only one set, and they seemed to have hard soled shoes on. The step grew closer to Sam.
The footfalls stopped. Sam heard a small sigh. He felt an arm wrap around him and being helping him to his feet. His head was still pounding and his arm had gone from a sharp stabbing pain to a consistent ache. As he slowly made it to his feet, he glanced down at his arm to see a bruise about the size of his head forming on his arm. He looked up to see a well-dressed man, who’s face said that he was no more than 30, but his hair suggested mid-50’s with the amount of gray. He smiled at Sam.
“I am so sorry for the way you’ve been treated,” The man said. His voice was smooth and even. It had a depth to it that made it seem like he was even older than his appearance.
“I… Just…” Sam stammered, “I don’t know what’s going on.”
“That’s OK,” The man said. Sam couldn’t tell why, but even with all the pain he was in the man’s voice was very soothing.
“I think I need to go to the doctor,” Sam said, “Or, probably a hospital.”
“Of course. We’ll get you there.” The man smiled at Sam, “Before we do, can you please eat this bagel.” Sam paused. From somewhere the man had pulled out a bagel, already toasted. Sam just stared at the man, unsure of what to say. “It would be best if you just tried it.” The man cooed.
“I mean, I think I just really need to go to the hospital.” Sam was unsure what was happening, but he could feel the pain throbbing throughout his body, and it was screaming at him to get medical attention. He wasn’t even hungry.
The man frowned.
“I had hoped you wouldn’t make this difficult.” He said. He looked back the man and woman who had thrown Sam down the stairs. Sam saw the man shrug and the woman simply stare right back at the man in the suit. There was a moment of silence.
“Can I go?” Sam said. The pain was beginning to move to his abdomen and arm. Hid head was clearing and the fear that had gripped him earlier was beginning to reestablish its hold. The man spoke without looking back at Sam.
“If you had not injured him, this would be much easier.”
“He was being insolent,” The man at the stairs responded.
“He was being ignorant,” The well-dressed man countered, “If he is ignorant to the truth then we must educate him, not injure. I understand your annoyance, I do, but if we treat everyone like this, how will we bring those to our cause?” There was a pause as the well-dressed man waited for an answer.
“Well… the ceremony should still-” the man at the stairs began.
“The ceremony won’t.” The well-dressed man interrupted, “He’s too hurt. The sub-hypnotic suggestions will be lost if his brain is too focused on pain. And if we give him anything to help the pain we can’t be sure that the suggestions will be heard at all.” Another pause. The man at the stairwell looked down at the ground. Sam’s fear turned partially to confusion.
He would have liked to take this moment to run, but he was in too much pain. Plus, both his original captors were at the end of the stairwell, along with the barista. At the top of the stairs two more patrons, a man in a full biking outfit with bright yellows and oranges in odd angled patterns, and another man wearing a simple jean and T-shirt combination. Both were murmuring back into what was undoubtedly a crowd of people behind.
“Well,” said the barista, “What do we do?” The man in the suit looked up at her.
“The only thing we can,” The well-dressed man responded. He turned back to Sam. “I am sorry about this.”
“It’s ok, just get me to a hospital,” Sam said. He hoped that this would be the end of this whole day. In fact, he really hoped that this was some sort of realistic dream, and he would wake up in his bed at home.
The well-dressed man just smiled. He made a quick movement and a black shape, something like an “L”swished by. There was a bright light, and then silence.
The well-dressed man looked up from Sam’s body. He sighed to himself. He looked over to the people. Those stupid sheep who had cost him another member of the flock. He wondered to himself if this whole world domination thing was really worth it. People were so obnoxious, was it really worth it to control them?
“Clean this up.” He said to the two standing at the stairs. The looks of shock on their faces had not subsided. He looked at the bagel in his other hand and took a bite as we walked past them and up the stairs. He chewed it as the throng of customers slowly went back to their daily routine as if nothing had happened. As he finished, he threw the rest of the bagel out. The kid was right, He thought to himself, bagels are really better untoasted.
Well...
That took a lot longer than expected! However, I have created a personal/writing blog at iwritesomestuffiguess.tumblr.com. As such, I will leave this here fro a week or so before abandoning and just deleting this blog. So, go check that shit out! Many thanks from the sole survivor of AccurateHoroscopes Inc.
Change
So, this whole thing hasn't really worked out. Turned out it was harder to keep up with than I expected. I am working on something new though so I hope to put up a personal tumblr soon! Sorry for any disappointment.
Horoscope 12/07/2015-12/13/2015
Aries (March 21-April 19): This week is going to be a rough one for you. Today has already been a day what with the bear attacks, but the next three days are going to be more of the same, and after that? BAM! You crush up and turns out to be a mass murderer. Like we said, rough week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): The week begins with the holy chant of light to purify the earth of all the hated and bigotry. When that doesn’t work, you will finally give into the darkness and go out and purge the earth of all that you despise. Maybe cool down Sunday with a nice, cold beer.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): This week will be non-stop torture. It’s not our fault you have yet to escape your captors, but according to the rules of fortune telling, we can’t actually do that or else we’ll upset the time-space continuum... again.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): The cows are upset with what you have done. They will not cease until you are found and you have paid for your crimes. You will spend all week running, all week hiding. They will find you anyway.
Leo (July 23-August 22): There is only chaos in your future. Mars holding up the lunar cycle means that things will begin to fall apart, literally. The molecular bonds will being to dissipate on every object you touch and you will be driven mad by your own power.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): The stars will align perfectly on Thursday in order to complete the ritual of Dal’en’tek. There will only be a small window to complete it, so be careful[, and watch out for those bastards trying to stop you.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Good lord parents are annoying right? Like, just, ugh... who do they even think they are? Well, the Moon agrees, and you should probably let those deep dark thoughts permeate you until you kill them all.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Jupiter is the king of the sky today as you realize that your life is a lie. Wednesday you will find yourself crying into your coffee at Starbucks, and by Saturday you will be curled up into a ball on your bed.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): The week, the bees will find you again. God damned bees. Well, they’re you’re problem now sucker! Good luck with that all week.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Monday, cut a hole in the box. Tuesday, take the body out of the box. Wednesday, take the body and sell the parts online. Thursday, Profit! After that... there’s only arrests.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Man, is this going to be a genital filled week for you. Just... all the genitals. Some of them will even be attached to people! Also, on Saturday, watch out for the crocodile pity at work. You know the corporate rules on that.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): THEREISONLYTHEDARKNESSFOLLOWITANDYOUSHALLBEREWAREDEDWITHPOWERSBEYONDYOURWILDESTDREAMSJOINUSJOINUSJIONUSJIONUSJIONUSJOINUSJOINUSNOIJSU
Announcement!
Dear readers, you will notice a lack of posts in the recent days. This is due to some major downsizing in our staff based on the hybrid bear-tiger robots we had been working on. Though we now have competent and fierce defenders for our offices, we will no longer be able to post daily horoscopes. Instead we will be moving to a weekly post basis, starting tomorrow. We hope to be able to help you through your coming time with only a few deaths. Thank you dear readers,
Horoscopes Inc.
Horoscope 12/01/2015
Aries (March 21-April 19): With the stars and the moon floating along like wisps of fluff on a summer breeze, you are likely to run into the person you went out on a date with once and then never called back, because they chewed too loud.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): There are two kinds of people in this world, the one’s the realize that Saturn in Leo means that their lives will come crashing down, and those that have already accepted the inevitability. Which one are you?
Gemini (May 21-June 20): With Mars in the 14th quarter, now is the time to summon Koteniphith, the leader of the 6th layer of hell, and let him gain his rule over the world. You must do as you have been instructed.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): The power of the void calls to you, as Mercury flies through Scorpio and into the black hole that has been sucking it in for centuries. There is nothing left for you to do but weep.
Leo (July 23-August 22): So... We’d like to give you a good future reading today, but that dress... dear lord that dress... it’s just... put on something different have some motherfucking self respect.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): The sun will begin it’s final ascent into the realm of chaos today, which means it’s time for your to go shopping! There’s no better time to go shopping than today! Accept your consumerism and consume until you are sated!
Libra (September 23-October 22): Leave. The. Fucking. House.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): With Jupiter in flux, you need tmake sure your cardio is good. Why? Because there’s a 93.5739% chance that a bear will have chased you for at least 2 miles by the end of the day. Hope you cna outrun it.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): So the plague begins. It will be as the runes foretold many centuries ago. The dark depths will rise to seal the fate of us all and we shall know, truly know, fear for the first and only time. Also, have a good time on that date! Hope it goes well!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): With the moons of Uranus slowly crashing upon the plant’s surface, we remind you that now is the time to go out and seek love. There is little time left in your life, and you deserve happiness.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You are a coddled, spoiled brat and you know it.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): As the light dims and you begin your entrance into the ring, knowing that you will lose this fight, and that your bleeding, mangled body will have to be pulled from the arena, we can only say one thing: Macbeth!
Horoscope 11/30/2015
Aries (March 21-April 19):HAPPY
Taurus (April 20-May 20): MOTHER
Gemini (May 21-June 20): FUCKING
Cancer (June 21-July 22): HOLIDAYS
Leo (July 23-August 22): YOU
Virgo (August 23-September 22): SAVAGES
Libra (September 23-October 22): DO
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): YOU
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): EVEN
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): KNOW
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): WHAT
Pisces (February 19-March 20): YOU
Happy holidays!
Happy holidays to everyone. Due to most of our employees being out of town, we have been unable to post new horoscopes. Also, many of our employees don’t exist, but we don’t let that stop us.
System Errors
We apologize for the recent posts or lack there of. There was a minor error in the system whilst attempting to sync it with the world economy, in order to better predict the economic turns for... reasons. We should be back online for tomorrow.
Horo p e /2 / 1
s s te rr h lp w ee d p d con hel d e d fg
Horoscope 11/18/2015
Aries (March 21-April 19): Hmm... Interesting... according the Neptune being in the 13th quadrant, today you will run into an old friend from high school who’s been dead for 10 years. Have fun with the reconnecting!
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Saturn in the western sky is telling you to maximize your profits by raising price and slashing workers pensions. We, however, feel it necessary to tell you that that’s really shitty, and maybe don’t?
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Today is the day the Devil will be perched on your shoulder. Should you listen to him? Our gut says yes. He seems like a pretty nice guy.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): At the end of the day, we hope that you’ll know that you tried your best, and that there’s nothing you can really do about the fact that you’re a complete failure at everything.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Today, world domination is at hand. Do you have what it takes to step up to the plate? Only Uranus knows, and it says, no, no you do not. Your plans will fail.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Good lord. honestly... we’ve been looking through your horoscope, and the way the planets are aligning it mostly looks like you’re going to be beaten into a bloody pulp by a baboon.
Libra (September 23-October 22): The moon in the sky is saying that the moon will be in the sky tonight when you drunkenly call your ex yet again to try and win them back.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Soon... Very soon... yes... soooooooooooooooon.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): With Mercury in afro-flux, there is a very real possibility that you will finally solve that crossword puzzle that has been haunting your for decades.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): In life, people come and people go, but the emotional scars they leave you last a lifetime. So just remember to leave those scars on the other person too!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): In the light of the moon and the dark of the night, the Great Beast will come to you, disguised at a young woman. she will offer you what you want, will you take it?
Pisces (February 19-March 20): With Mars over the western front there is a very real possibility that 60% of you will die today. Like, there is SO much bad decision making going on tday.
Horoscope 11/17/2015
Aries (March 21-April 19): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Taurus (April 20-May 20): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Gemini (May 21-June 20): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Cancer (June 21-July 22): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Leo (July 23-August 22): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Virgo (August 23-September 22): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Libra (September 23-October 22): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Pisces (February 19-March 20): ALL HAIL KOSEPHID, OUR DAEMON OVERLORD!
Horoscope 11/16/2015
Aries (March 21-April 19): Your eyes tell the stories of a day you wish you could
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Recall the moments that once have
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Retract the footsteps that brought us to this favor
Cancer (June 21-July 22): I wouldn't ask this of you
Leo (July 23-August 22): Good eye, sniper
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Here I'll shoot, you run
Libra (September 23-October 22): The words you scribbled on the walls
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): With the loss of friends you didn't have
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): I'll call you when the time is right
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Are you in or are you out?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): For them all to know the end of us all
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Run quick, they're behind us
Horoscope 11/15/2015
The Great Machine of the Future tells us only one thing today. Today is the day of the great shift, and everything will change, if only ever so slightly.
Horoscope 11/14/2015
Aries (March 21-April 19): Mercury in the eastern quadrant of the North Star is telling you what we all are, you should be sorry for what you did yesterday, and owe everyone an apology.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): As you gaze into the swirling madness that is you everyday life, you cannot help but wonder, “Did I leave the coffee pot on?” Hint: You did.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): The Sun in the sky shows us that there will be a devastating crash near your house today. It will occur at 4:32pm. There is nothing you can do about it, just... be careful.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Today is the day that the beavers will have their vengeance against you. You know what you did to them, and, if we’re being honest with you, you kind of deserve it.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Look into the void. Look and drink it all in... this is the last moment of peace you will have for the rest of your life. Also, good chance you’ll meet the love of your life today!
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Mars is at the forefront of your sign today, as you slowly realize that everyone around you dislikes you. Not hate, or anything, like, you’re tolerable, but no one would every really want to hang out with you or anything.
Libra (September 23-October 22): With Pluto and Jupiter swirling around in some fashion or another, you will face what you fear most today, cauliflower. Best of luck.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Two dead hookers in your bed is quite the way to start the morning. Let’s just say the day won’t get any less interesting from there.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Saturn is in Virgo today, which means... wait. You’re wearing corduroys? With that shirt? You’ve got to be fucking kidding, do you have no fashion sense what so ever? Ugh, whatever, we’re done.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Kangaroos. Everywhere.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): There’s only one chance today to get your life back on track. It’ll happen at 3:44pm. Just remember, do the right thing, and do not harm the butterfly, no matter how annoyingly close it gets to your face.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): With Uranus in flux today, it can only mean one thing, time to start the blood rites! Hopefully, this attempt at immortality won’t backfire like the rest of them.