#ShitILikeToTalk

[thehalfshilling-blog]

Enough of this new reality

Ok so this post is a little different from anything else I’ve written about, but having a teenage daughter, it’s something that is really driving me nuts right now.

On a weekly basis, I read about celebrities being trolled and bullied online and I don’t condone this in any way, but I really can’t help wondering if occasionally they leave themselves wide open for criticism.

There’s a huge difference between criticism and bullying so I really want to make it clear I in no way want to cross that boundary. I read things and see a lot of these videos on YouTube that just slaughter people in the public eye just to get video clicks.

This week I’ve seen a lot of stuff about Kendal Jenner, who as far as I can see, tends to be ambushed for breathing and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, knowing this girl suffers anxiety obviously strikes a chord with me and when you see someone just being picked at for every project they take on or every person they date, that does roll over to bullying and isn’t ok. People have to make a living and some are lucky enough to do that by doing something they love, but I do think that if you make the decision to put yourself into the public eye then you really have to take into consideration the influence and responsibility you have over other young people.

There are certain celebrities who have spawned their careers from reality shows such as Towie and Geordie Shore, they all started out as pretty girls and love them or hate them brought different dimensions to our favourite weekly viewing.

I have watched them all and my current reality show of choice is Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s.

I love it.

Seriously can’t get enough. My love of reality tv started in 2000 with the launch of Big Brother, so this isn’t a moan about reality tv. It does have its place, (usually on my tv on a Sunday night) and I think in some ways these shows can really promote a great work ethic.

Look at Samantha Faiers, ok, she has a reality show, but she’s a great example of a young girl meeting her partner and having a young family but still working her backside off to have a career and nice things. She has multiple projects going on while raising a family. I think that’s a great thing to be seeing on tv. It's the side of reality-based celebrities that I want my kids to see and learn from. Not particularly the tv part, but then you have to work her to have nice things.

But there is a flip side. The side I don't want my kids watching and aspiring to be like.

With some of these celebs, when you follow their Instagram and social media pages, you can’t pay any attention to what they may be doing to make a nice life for themselves and to succeed because the only thing you can see is these huge, quite unpleasant lips.

These girls could be raising thousands of pounds for charity and you wouldn't really know because you can't see past the images in front of you.

They appear on daytime tv and say they’d never have a boob job because natural is best and then a year down the line they are sporting Katie Price sized boobs.

You get all the stories they are putting out on a daily basis about how hard they have worked to achieve their new ass, and it is starting to go from silly to utterly ridiculous.

You didn’t work for that ass, you maybe worked to pay for it, but trying to tell your followers you work out to look this ”good” is extremely irresponsible. Young girls generally don’t have enough life experience to realise they are being fed lies and they then want to achieve this unrealistic goal that’s being shoved down their throats.

I’m all for bettering ourselves and I’m not opposed to one day if I ever have enough money getting work done. But when it goes from having a little bit of Botox or a boob job because the twins have suffered through three kids and are now at knees to having lip fillers to the point of looking utterly ridiculous then I think I understand why some people can throw the hurtful comments in their direction.

It looks awful, it’s irresponsible in every way and I have started to understand the frustration of seeing this every day. While I’m not bombarding these girls with hateful words, and wouldn't, in all honesty, the things I’m thinking aren’t aren’t that nice. I have at times thought why do the friends and family of these people not tell them they look crazy? I would expect someone to have a word if I ever got so disillusioned with what beauty is.

I can see why parents of young kids get so annoyed that they take to the keyboard and let loose because these images that our kids are seeing are creating a new kind of normal for them to feel pressured into achieving.

Give these kids a fighting chance, because, for every duck lip photo I see, I read an article from someone further down the road in their celebrity journey telling us how miserable they felt. How they felt like they had to look a certain way to be successful. When are we going to stop seeing success being portrayed in how big their ass or lips are and start learning about what they are doing behind the makeup and superficially nonsense. When are we going to read about real, normal life and how to achieve that?

Now, in my 30s, my celebrities of choice are down to earth, hardworking women.

Giovanni Fletcher is the best example of the kind of women I’d love my children to strive to become.

Her social media is occasionally a glam dress and a night out, but on an average day it’s about family life and working damn hard to provide for her kids. She’s really showing that actually, you can be in the public eye, you can have fame and money but the way to do it is to work hard and not lose sight of what matters.

Money and fame are only going to take anyone so far and if it takes an unhealthy, unrealistic body to achieve this then does that even equate to being successful anyway?

What I have started to do now is to just unfollow these stars. Stop having these images on my feeds and support the people I feel are showing a healthier lifestyle. I’d like to think that unfollowing these people are the better option to throwing cruel comments at them, and there’s no need for unfounded nasty behaviour towards anyone, we all make mistakes and can look back with a wiser mind but please, someone, take a bit of a stand and flip around the crazy trends that undoubtedly encourage these comments in the first place.

If I thought it would make a difference I’d be campaigning myself to have more of the achievable or inspirational on my tv and less of the stupidity.

I am just a plain jane mum of two humans, so my opinion doesn't count much, I just hope one day I have two girls who have a bigger voice than mine and who know how to use to spread a better message than the ones I'm seeing them bombarded with every day.

[thehalfshilling-blog]

Just Send Help

Someone, please tell me when these parenting things get any easier!!!!

I know, I have shifted gear from blogging about mental health to parenting in one swift unforeseen move but these humans take up so much of my god damn time it was probably unavoidable.

For once it’s not Miss Stroppy Teen who is pissing on my Cheerios before we even leave the house but her little sister with the big stinking attitude. For a few months now my littlest human has tried my patience with her general shitty attitude to other people and her massive lack of manners.

It possibly is so noticeable because the firstborn bean has politeness Tourette’s.

“Thank you, Thanks, thank you!”

And that’s just when she asks for a bottle of water out the fridge!

This littlest of humans, however, is a completely different kettle of fish.

Thank you isn’t a word she’s really aware of and it’s certainly not one she knows how to use.

At least not unless there’s and the occasion when she’s desperate for me to say yes to something.

I am so anal about manners from the kids that I just can’t fathom why this little narcissist thinks she doesn’t owe manners to anyone.

Why is it she feels like she is owed a favour and everyone else should bow down at her feet. Why does she think the world revolves around her, or that being grateful is beneath her?

Is she really this type of self-involved or is it just an 8-year-old thing?

This morning was the beginning of the end of this little humans reign of terror in my house.

Not even out of her bed and she was shouting the odds about how she didn’t make the mess in her room. I could barely get a word into reason with her that no ones else has been in her room, so unless the Manky Midden Fairies have been in and done the place over, it was indeed her!!

The second altercation arrived before we got out the door for the school run.

Front door wide open, house colder than Camilla Parker Bowles’ stone heart and when I have the god damn cheek to ask why l, the screaming starts again.

~ “It wasn’t me!”

It was.

No-one else had been downstairs.

~ “I did close it!”

Nope, otherwise, it wouldn’t be flapping in the 80mph winds.

~ “it’s not my fault!”

Well clearly it was, what with you being the one that opened it 10 mins ago.

Of course, the only sensible thing for me to do was walk away until she stopped screaming at me and have it out with her in a few minutes.

Of course, I did no such thing and ended up yipping back at her like she’s a younger sister stealing my make up.

Admittedly my approach was less than helpful but I genuinely have no clue how to curb this utter nonsense. It’s driving me to despair and her sister to consider jumping ship and applying for uni in another city! (This I’m sure will be another breakdown post at some point soon)

It’s not just the rudeness or the shitty attitude either, this incessant need for attention is killing me one stupid comment at a time.

This beautiful personality trait started after she went back to the start the new school year in August and after a bit of an up and down first half to 2017 I had to pop in to see her Head Teacher who suggested to this little evil genius that maybe she was doing x,y and z at the time because mum was quite busy managing a new business now and did she maybe feel like she didn’t get as much attention from her as she was used to?

I could have throttled that women when I watched my Noteenager* nod her head.

I could hardly call her out and risk being told I was invalidating her feelings and this was where my issues stemmed from, could I?!

So my last born child has taken this idea and ran with it.

Now every time the attention is on anyone but her she is singing and dancing, asking questions while others are mid-sentence and generally trying to display every skill she has ever picked up. Good and bad.

I have tried and failed to get to the bottom of why there is a constant need to have all eyes on her, why please and thank you seem a foreign concept to her. She has one on one time. Everyone dotes on her, even her sissy spends hours sometimes playing makeup with her. It makes no sense to me at all so I guess I just have to navigate the days and hope it’s a phase.

Please, George Micheal let it be a phase. (I’m not religious hence the lack of begging God, I reckon George is be next bed thing. Plus, he could handle even my headache)

I really don’t have any answers to this latest drama in our household. I wish I did, clearly, there is a reason behind her behaviour and if I had the skills to draw out that information I would, because, despite me describing the spawn of Chucky she is a lovely little girl. She really is my pride and joy and she has so many beautiful qualities that I can’t take away from her, although I’m not going to mention them now because that will just ruin the whole “my kids a little fucker” theme I have on the go.

I know having kids isn’t supposed to be easy and its my own life motto that nothing in life is perfect. It’s just another one of those draining problems that no one was decent enough to print out the instructions for before I brought her home.

I’m sure it’s another hurdle we as a three will manage and overcome, I’m just hoping that’s sooner rather than later before my Duracell battery life dies completely.

Any advice is always welcome and if you have none, just send help.

Happy parenting,

L xx

*definition of Noteenager - youngest born child who behaves in ways normally assocaited with teenagers.

This child is not anywhere near teenage years and must be handled with caution.

[thehalfshilling-blog]

When all the advice is about babies, breastfeeding and toddler tantrums, has everyone forgotten they keep on growing?

[thehalfshilling-blog]

Slacking on my tumblr

[thehalfshilling-blog]

[dailyinspirationquotes]

please follow

[carriehopefletcher-deactivated2]

Do you realize that you only get to be an author because of your YouTube channel. Not trying to be mean, but for other people getting a book deal is not as easy. ( I know it still takes a lot of work to write a Book, but still)

Oh, I’m well aware that YouTube and having a pre-existing audience has opened a lot of doors for me and I am very grateful for that. YouTube is a wonderful platform to showcase talent to the world and then have that talent catapulted even further. However…

A. a pre-existing audience doesn’t just happen over night. Before for my first book was published in 2014, that pre-existing audience was 4 years in the making and I gained said audience by scripting videos and telling stories…which is all part and parcel of writing.

B. Just because YouTube opened doors for me, it doesn’t mean I’m not good at what I do. I’ve wanted to be an author since I was a child and have spent my entire life writing and trying to hone those skills and get better and better. There are those with big YouTube channels who had book deals thrust upon them because of their huge online presence despite their lack of love for writing and reading. However, I think I’ve done enough to prove I am not part of that group. Especially considering so much of my channel is comprised of videos of book reviews, book shelf tours and poems I’ve written.

C. It’s very hard to prove that I would have become an author in any case, even if life hadn’t have led me to YouTube. I would have made it happen one way or another but it just so happens that the catalyst for becoming an author in this reality is YouTube. Doesn’t make me any less of an author. I write my books and people enjoy them. That makes me an author. 

C. If you’re not trying to be mean, I’d appreciate you trying a little harder next time. Sadly, your efforts were not entirely effective this time around. 

x

[thehalfshilling-blog]

I hate a food pic spamming my insta or Facebook so I’m being a real hypocrite here, but I am so proud of the changes I am making to my eating and exercise.

Yeah ok, we aren’t even a full week into 2018 yet but the Yoga is progressing on a daily basis and my eating habits are improving faster than I thought they could . This was a plateful from yesterday and I actually really enjoyed it. My body has been screaming out for healthier food and although I have a huge amount to learn about what I should and shouldn’t be putting into my body, I really feel like I am off to a good start.

Stocking the the fridge up with loads of veg and fruit was the first step to totally changing the eating routines that have been in place for longer than I care to admit. In the last few days I have experimented (successfully) with sweet potatoes, salads that have veered slightly from the usual mundane one I am used to throwing together and some really tasty smoothies.

On the shopping list I added some almond milk to use in the smoothies and not only have I been finishing them but I actually really enjoyed them. I have never been a fan of milk, even the though if it give me the heave so I was pleasantly surprised that this was something I enjoyed.

I thought I’d share my favourite smoothie so far from this week for anyone who fancies trying it as a gentle starter to introducing more fruit and veg into you diet. br /> Smoothies aren’t for everyone, I know I haven’t enjoyed them in the past but this one was a great starter and one I will continue to make.

Ingredients: Juice from one large orange Handful of frozen raspberries Handful of blueberries 6 almonds Half green apple (chopped) Handful of spinach Almond milk Chia seeds

There’s no real hassle to throwing this together. Literally throw it all together in the smoothie maker. Blast it until your hearts content and drink. Easy peasy!!

The almond milk was enough to cover the fruit and spinach and there was enough for two of us. The teenager is on the health train with me and she’s not showing signs of getting bored of it yet.

I don’t in any way have any nutritional training so anything I share is purely things I have tried and loved.

Let’s keep this year going the way it should, happy and healthy.

L x

[thehalfshilling-blog]

5 Backwards Resolutions For 2018

So I kind of gave up making resolutions the January just before I turned 30, with the view that I’d spent enough years lying to myself the whole way through December and then feeling like a failure by the 2nd of January.

This year I thought I’d mix it up and do a reverse resolution list. Instead of deciding on thing I definitely will do this new year, I’m gonna go with some I’m just not gonna do.

Here goes:

1. I won’t be swearing off alcohol.

I’m not much of a drinker these days anyway and even when the mood does take me I know the hangovers aren’t going to be nice, so tend not to drink too much, but I don’t want to be setting limits on myself for 2018. This year has held me back enough to last a lifetime. If I fancy a bloody wine, I’ll have a bloody wine.

2. I won’t be overthinking every little detail of every insignificant thing.

One of the good things to come out of 2017 is the skills I’ve learned to keep ploughing forward. To kick the anxiety in the ass and to really appreciate the little things that matter, not the little things that don’t. Having a new positive attitude has made me see worrying about worrying is what makes the days hard to get through.

3. I won’t be breaking my back to keep people in my life.

Another life lesson for this year, maybe one of the biggest is learning to throw some of these assholes I used to call friends straight into the Fuck it Bucket. By now it’s clear this year has been up there with the worst for me and my beans, and reaching the end of the year without some people still in our lives is something a few months ago really upset me thinking about. Now, I am so thankful that I am armed with the strength to let them go and not waste my precious time trying to keep hold of friendships that had not substance. Because my time is precious. The perception from certain people is that their time is more precious and I do nothing. Well, actually I work my socks off and my time is far too precious to waste.

4. I won’t be putting pressure on myself to do the normal “I must lose weight”, “I must make more money” shit.

I don’t have to do anything other than make sure myself and the humans in this house are happy. Yep, I’d love to be thinner and healthier, who wouldn’t want that? But I refuse to put myself under any stress trying to achieve things. One of the best lessons I’ve learned is that, it is far easier to achieve things when you sit back and say,

“I’d like to.............., and I can............,if and when I want to”

It’s great to have goals and ambition, but it’s not imperative to put demands around our lives.

5. I will not be putting any limits on what I can achieve.

Ok so this one seems a bit like a contradiction of number 4, but there is a huge difference. I won’t be setting myself goals that require me to work my ass off at anything. I clearly don’t work well under my own expectations. However, I don’t want to be starting 2018 with thoughts of “I won’t manage X, Y and Z”, or “I wish I could have/do...........but I’ll never manage that!”

That’s crap, this year I have conquered my biggest fears, I have battled through unbearable pain, I have lost people I valued in our lives and I’ve fought demons from my past I didn’t think I needed to fight. I have started successfully working for myself, despite the shit mental health and the pain. I have got my humans through the year and they are happy and healthy. I made my first Xmas dinner and no one died. I have started to conquer a phobia that is older than my kids ages combined.

There’s so many other things I have achieved this year despite at some points being under rock bottom.

So the only resolution I really need for 2018 is to go and do what I want to, be who I want to, and kick the ass out of life with a smile on my face.

Happy New Year from my tribe to yours.

Lx

[thehalfshilling-blog]

Nothing Is Impossible

I didn’t think I would have time for another blog before Xmas but this was one I had to make time for.

Today is, without any doubt in my mind my proudest day to date. I am so proud of myself, I could burst. Every year, for so many years I’ve lost count. I dread the Xmas play at school. I want more than anything to be there and to watch my little beans but so many times the terror of being in a hall, with so many other people has either stopped me ever leaving the house, or on the occasion I’ve managed to get down there, I’ve bolted as soon as I’ve hit the door.

All that changed tonight. After a crazy busy day (maybe slightly manic) my stomach started playing up and following that up came the shaking hands and the racing heart. Nothing new really. What was new was the determination I had to get my ass down to the show and watch my baby sing her little heart out, no matter how shit, terrified or stubborn I felt myself get, I just didn’t want to let her down.

The decision I took was to take my own car down with my smallest human and meet the others there. My escape route planned before I even left the house.

I know where I’d sit and I knew how to nash out of that hall in 3 seconds.

My first surprise came when I got into said hall and didn’t want to throw up. I felt odd, a little tingly in the lips, tongue heavy in my mouth but nothing like the feelings I would normally have.

Not only did I sit through the whole thing, I bloody loved every second of watching my baby sing and smile. She was exhausted but tripped on, she looked so pleased every time she looked over at me, and I knew then she was so pleased I was there. I smiled and made faces at her, making her giggle while she was trying to sing, watching this little face just beam that her mummy was there to watch her.

There’s one thing in life that through all the uncertainties, I have always known and that is how much my kids love me and how much they do for me, not to mention put up with me, bouncing about like tigger in coke.

They are the one thing that has dragged me back from every shitty thought that I don’t want to be walking around in this ridiculous quarantine life I’ve made for myself. Every thought I’ve had that maybe life wouldn’t be all that bad for everyone without me has been banished by those two humans I made and love.

Tonight reminded me why.

I’m not sure it was ever a reminder so much as an eye opener to how happy my babies are to see me just there to enjoy these things with them.

No anti emetics meds for this tough mother tonight!!!!

Hell no!! I didn’t it stripped back to basics. Those little tablets that have been my safety blanket for somewhere near a decade, they were made redundant.

The icing on the cake was the fact the guy in front of me was fucking stinking!!! To start with it was a little like six day old chip fat, which soon wore off to just a dirty manky smell which did make me hold my breath and gag slightly a couple of times. It never ever entered my head in that hall to dive into my bag and grab the little things that reduce my anxiety but a fraction because I just didn’t need to.

I am so proud to have achieved something I never thought possible.

But..........(this is my favourite bit) the CHERRY on the cake, was having both my little beans turn round and tell me THEY were proud of me.

Not because I needed anyone to tell me what a huge step forward I had just made, especially seen as my face was sore from smiling rather than tensing, but I was so proud of the fact my children are the best kind of people. They have been through so many hard things in their lives, they live in a total mad house that they know is never going to be normal and yet they both have taken on board the one thing I have always tried to instill in them.

The three of us, my beans and I, we are gonna be just fine.

Empathy. I have these two beautiful little souls who knew what I achieved tonight, and they were so fast to tell me. To be excited about the life that we are managing to carve out of a crappy hand that’s been dealt somewhere along the way.

The skills I am learning along my journey are things these amazing humans already have.

I’ll make sure of it.

Merry Xmas,

L x

[thehalfshilling-blog]

Progressing Into 2018....

The run up to Xmas has been totally manic, makes a nice change from me being totally manic though, which is nice.

I still have a thousand things that need to be done so I’m keeping this one brief. Things have been going really well. I managed a night out last weekend which was great. I didn’t really have any anxiety on the night and managed to get out in party gear, a full face of makeup and have a drink.

Charlotte Crosby better watch out.

Ok. Maybe not quite yet.

I was home earlier than I’d hoped but over all the whole thing was great. I loved having that little reminder of who I used to be and the confidence I once had.

Yeah, it was a pretty small reminder. I wasn’t out in a tiny skirt, flirting with a pub full of men or dancing in the bar stools, but I was out and I felt confident and had fun. That’s a huge deal.

The other massive thing that’s improved is progress with the Emetophobia book and the difference in myself.

My self confidence is definitely improving and although the beginning of last week seen me wearing the shittiest mood I could find, I shook it off and moved on. It was a bit of a set back, or so I thought at the time but I think the really huge thing was moving on from it.

I think it’s engrained in me to be moody, I’m not sure that when those chemicals in your head are faulty it’s something that I’m ever going to banish. Well at least not without medication and the medication isn’t the answer for me. I don’t want to hide the ups and downs.

Maybe that’s unfair on my family and my friends to have to put up with while I challenge each dip or manic mood. But it’s how I want to manage it. It’s what I need to do to find healthier ways to deal with what I live with.

The Emetophobia book talks a lot about control and this little glitch in my makeup isn’t something I can control, but what I do have control over is how I manage it and I think I have come a bloody long way in the last 6 month.

From my very first blog, my low moods are more spaced out, at times they have been bad but one thing the Thrive book taught me in the first couple of chapters was to start thinking about all the positive things in my day, my week or month and now I find it really hard to think of the things that have pissed me off and made me shout and scream like a banshee. The methods I use to get through a tough day have become more polished and work faster because for the first time in my life, I’ve made a choice and am actually working to stick with it.

Every day I focus really hard and process all the good things, even if they are tiny.

They matter. They are a good thing. No matter how small they may seem to anyone else, to me the fact I am concentrating on the good instead of the utter shit is something that REALLY matters.

Every day that passes, it becomes harder to recall the shit moods I know I’ve had through the day because I havent been festering on them.

This and only this, has to be the reason for me pulling back from taking my anti emetic meds.

I am now getting through a day or two days without even thinking about having one. For roughly a decade I have taken these little tablets in a bid to stop me being sick and now I can go a couple of days without thinking about them.

That is MASSIVE!!!

It’s a huge step forward. It’s a step I never thought I could manage, and I have. More to the point I’ve managed it myself. No pushing from anyone, no lectures, just me setting my sights on being better, getting better.

Before Santa gets to work I still have a school concert to do. They have always been my downfall in the past and I have missed more than I would like to think about. This one will be different. I will get there and enjoy it. I know I can, so I will.

Now, xmas is something I am massively looking forward to. I have chosen some lovely gifts for the family and really feel like everyone has had such a difficult year, mainly because of my health and it’s time to finish the year the way we all want 2018 to continue.

Onwards and upwards.

Merry Xmas loves,

L x

[thehalfshilling-blog]

As a little side note to my last proper blog, I just wanted to point out that I am not in anyway affiliated with or being paid by Rob Kelly and his book. My blog wasn’t an AD it was a source to help anyone who needs the help I have for so long.

Take the chance and help yourself. Even when it seems impossible there is always an answer.

Sometimes we just need help finding it. ❤️

[thehalfshilling-blog]

Emetophobia and trying to Thrive.


So, tonight I am almost drifting back to the older, original reasoning behind my writing journey.
I don’t want to moan about the kids or some physical health issue that I am trying to juggle along side trying to stay sane. I’m back to the nitty gritty, hard to manage shit that is thrown at all of us, all the time but for whatever reason, (one I’m sure I’ll find answers to someday) I just find really hard to manage. Really hard to answer. 
I’ve touched on my Twitter and maybe in past blogs about being Emetophobic and yesterday as the day flowed along and I began to feel more and more poorly the higher my anxiety started rising. By the end of the day I had bit the bullet and invested in downloading the most amazing book I’ve every read.
It is called

‘Cure your emetophobia and THRIVE’

for anyone who knows emetophobia, lives and breaths this completely crippling phobia you will know why I have taken the chance on a book to help me. When you have all these conflicting thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams, at some point you do just think

‘FUCK THIS!!!!!ill try anything’
And that’s what I’ve done.
For those who have no clue what Emetopohibia is, the simplest way to explain it is to say it is a phobia of being sick. But no one likes being sick so why am I any different?
Actually, the most important ant thing to know is that there is nothing SIMPLE about being phobic. Secondly, I am not all that different. I’m not all that different from a massive proportion of people. A vomiting phobia is up there with the most common, yet least talked about phobias and from my experience it is one of the worst you can ever experience.
You’re scared of spiders? Ok so most of the time you have the opportunity to run away or shout your husband, dad, Mother, brother or someone who doesn’t have a fear of spiders.
Emetophobes do not ever have the option to run and hide from or pass their phobia issues on to someone else to fix. It isn’t just a phobia or a fear it is so much more.
From a very young age, maybe around 7/8 years old I went from experiencing being sick in the same way as a lot of you that may read this.

It wasn’t nice, it was rather unpleasant but I wasn’t swayed either way by the experience. I have no idea what changed in me, I’m hoping that at some point I will find out but…………..(there’s my word again) maybe it doesn’t matter if I find out or not. All I know for fact is that something shifted in my head and throwing up wasn’t now just a horrible thing.
It was something the ignites the deepest TERROR inside me.
I would hold my breath, I would fiddle with paper, my fingers, anything to hand. Peform rituals such as biting my hand or flapping my arms around. Anything that I thought might distract my body from it’s overwhelming power of ejecting the contents of my stomach.
I could sit and write for hours about the things I haven’t done, the school plays and cinema trips with the kids that I have missed because this bad boy grows arms and legs like some genetic science experiment gone horribly wrong.
The anxiety that I have, the self loathing at times and the odd ritualistic behaviour that can fluctuate from mildly irriatating things I do as second nature or, when I am feeling particularly anxious, the plain nuts things I can't being myself to do.

From the minor issues such as over cooking the chicken until it’s dry just to make sure there is no possible chance we will get food poisoning, to the fact I cannot go round the supermarket past the first few isles because I then become hyper aware that I am far from the exit of outside.

I am too far from the toilet if I was to be sick, I’d never reach the safety place in time. There are always safety place and safety practices that happen to a lesser or greater degree each day. 
Everywhere I go especially at high anxiety times has to be scanned for the toilet. If there is none I will look for a bin, a fire exit, a place I can go and hide in darkeness.
The extents I have went to over the years to protect myself from this thing I have no control over verges on totally fucking nuts.
In actual fact the more I learn about emetophobia the more I am understanding that it is what I have ALLOWED to consume me. To the point almost every mental health issue I have is connected to this fear. This utter shitting TERROR!
I can’t stress that word enough. Your phobia, it goes from a fear, to panic and then escalates from panic to utter TERROR.
When I told a close friend today that I had downloaded this book and that already I KNOW without a doubt will change my life to some noticeable degree, she really didn’t understand why I sounded relieved that this time round, I feel like I have a new tool to move away from terror and forward to (that shitty word) ‘NORMAL’ life.
She told me she doesn’t believe emetophobia exists. Everyone hates being sick.
Yeah that’s most likely true but not everyone experiences the dozens of other factors that can essentially ruin your life and turn it upside down that an emetophobic experience.
After feeling so happy that this book spoke to me from the first few pages, giving me hope that the CBT attempts won’t be needed again, the suffering doesn’t have to be put up with, I felt so deflated by the comment she made that I almost deleted the book an gave in.
BUT………..and this is the most important BUT I have ever used!!!

I DIDNT!!!!
Yep I was pissed off and a bit self indulgent with feeling misunderstood, pondering why people always belittle the things I explain to them by passing me off as dramatic.

These weren’t words my friend used. These were the beliefs I have about what she thought about me and the phobia I live with.
I went back to the book and read some more pages. I have taken numerous notes along the way, highlighting things in ways that will be easy for me to reference, because this book, written by Rob Kelly, it isn’t a magic wand that will make me better. It isn’t another pill that you are assured will make you feel ok.
It is a tool.

A very powerful and thought provoking tool that is opening my eyes on every page. Bringing to the front of my mind the things I do to myself that reinforce the shit parts of my life. Not just the fear of being sick but the view I have in life and myself.
It’s something I wish I’d found earlier. It’s something I wish I had downloaded as soon as I seen it. I am however so thankful that I kept going back to YouTube and searching for Rob Kelly. The decider came last night when after the terror was rising and I was desperate to find a way to make it stop. I went into the emetophobia Locus Of Control quiz and the score I came away with straight away told me.
‘You’ve got this!!! This man, he knows! He isn’t going to solve your problem for you, he’s going to open your eyes and teach you how to solve them yourself, in one book!!’
Even after the knock of feeling dismissed earlier, I then used new thought processes I have picked up, to move past the negative.
Tonight I have dozed on and off, waking intermittently with the rising nausea that has hit me the last two days, and I know that this will be the last time I feel the things I do, complete the rituals I have done for over 25 years to try and keep control over my body and the way it behaves.
I know I have to now replace them with new rituals, but these are going to be new positive ones. It will be a lot of work but it is the first time I have looked at a task ahead that has always seemed impossible and just knew I would succeed Thai time. 
I WILL make my life better with these new tools and thoughts.
For anyone who is alone, in the darkest places this horrible dark cloud can hide you under, you can reach me just to vent that your misunderstood. To share the things you believe make you odd, weird or mental. I’ve been there, I am there and no one one should feel alone in these feelings.
Before reaching out to anyone however just reach out to yourself. Go and research Rob Kelly.

Read the sample pages of the book and take the steps that will help you, help yourself. I’ll link the website below.


Special love to all those who know the darkness.

Lx

Www.Emetophobia.co.uk

[thehalfshilling-blog]

Well this week can happily do one and I’m not overly sad to see the back of it.

Third attempt now to do a write up on the amazing gift package that Schär sent out to me so apologies all round that it may not be quite as in depth as I’d like. It honestly was better but the gods have been against me this week and twice I’ve lost the write up.

So here goes. Quite simply I am now a customer for life.

As I’ve mentioned a few times recently it’s becoming clearer as the time goes on that my health, mental and physical is a holistic journey. A lot of the time it’s not just a journey so much as a fight.

Now that fight has ramped up a step and to add to the day to day carry on I have gallstones. Now my diet is more important that ever and Schär has now become part of this new food routine.

The box I received from Alex was so lovely. It was a proper gift and it cheered up a stressful day. Inside along with a lovely note and theee recipe cards were several of their products to try. These included seeded bread, all purpose flour, chocolate O biscuits. There were another two types of biscuit to snack on. Chocolate shorts and a lovely full covered milk chocolate luxury style biscuit. Topping the box off were waffles, (a favourite snack for all three of us, needless to say they didn’t last any time at all.)

The only item I didn’t try were the cracker bread style snack, it’s one I’ve never been keen on after a Ryvita incident many moons ago.

Everything made a noticible difference to my bloating, stomach aches and general sluggishness.

Not being coeliac is of Correa great but on the other hand being intolerant to anything isn’t ideal. The option in Scotland for free prescriptions does include gluten free items for coeliac patients but you have to have that diagnosis or you don’t make the cut.

There’s no getting away from the fact that the gluten free products and free from items in our supermarkets are pricey, or at least pricier than the things we could buy in a daily basis for a ‘normal’ diet but hands down schar items are worth every penny.

I will be continuing to use their products and not because I feel I have to say I will. The bipolar side of my life tends to mean that my options are easily let lose and as much as I was massively grateful for a company like Schar to even entertain a nobody trying to write for therapy, I won’t say that products or experiences or people make a positive change to my life if they don’t.

You don’t have to be unkind, but being truthful is never a bad thing. It’s something we all should do more of.

Be open and truthful without being unkind or vicious in the way we present our views. In this instance I don’t need to think for a long time how to be polite while saying “sorry you’re not for me” because Schar absolutely is part of this rollercoaster journey that I am on and I’m thankful that I got hebvhance to try things I possibly wouldn’t have taken a chance on before.

Highly recommended for anyone looking to cut out or reduce their gluten intake.

Thank you to Alex and Schar for their kindness.

Lx

[thehalfshilling-blog]

Exciting times!!!! Yesterday was a pretty horrendous mood day all round. Cried a lot, moaned a lot and generally had a pity party.

Hormonal woman alert!!

But……there’s my favourite word, when I got home there was a huge package inside the door. Rolling my eyes I’m thinking what the hell have I ordered now!! I chose to grab dinner, (a fatty, fried, heaped plate of crap) before even thinking about opening the box. That right there was a fairly good indication I wasn’t quite myself. Deliveries make me so happy! It’s like Xmas, even if you know what’s in it!

After stuffing my face, while bubbling about the fact the only comfort of had all day was eating this shit food which will probably add another 3lb to the scales and make me feel ill for the rest of the night! I opened the cardboard and found this huge red box inside.

For a split second I thought I’d opened a parcel for one of the neighbours. But no!!! I opened it up to find some amazing gluten free goodies to try.

After reading a blog another girl had written a couple of weeks back I thought it couldn’t hurt to approach some companies who might want to work along side me. I try their products, basically anything that would help improve any aspect of my poor health and then I can share my experiences with all of you guys.

I’ve said before it’s a holistic process. It’s getting out, doing things I normally couldn’t manage,especially with the kids or my family. The people I don’t get experiences with because outside is scary. It’s making the effort with my appearance, my skin which breaks out because of hormones or my bad diet. Trying to put together an outfit that flatters my overweight body.

My health is fairly complex so I haven’t and most likely won’t get round to moaning about all of it. (Or maybe I will cause I love a moan) But generally eating gluten products causes me to bloat, it sets off a whole chain off tummy events I am exhausted dealing with. Problems that stop me doing things I’d love to do. Running to the toilet while trying to date for example isn’t gonna get you the guy. It’s not attractive.

But because I am not coeliac, I don’t qualify for a prescription for basic gluten free breads etc. I am meant to follow a Low Fodmap diet, which is basically no gluten or dairy.

I am not however a rabbit, I want to follow these helpful tips and advice from the GP but a massive issue is finding things that a) taste nice without the gluten part and b) finding affordable products. I have a small business and don’t bring in a lot of money and it’s ridiculous but being unhealthy seems to be the cheaper option.

When I opened my box from Schar yesterday which was packaged so nicely and came with a lovely note from Alex it changed my day around. New things to try and experiment with and there were three really cool little recipe cards.

I have sampled a little Oreo style biscuit for morning snack today and am so looking forward to trying the other things. Trying to make the recipes in the cards as well.

I will do a full follow up of what arrived in my gift box and how I found it all but I just wanted to say thanks to Alex and the guys at Schar for being so kind as to take the leap and work with a totally lowkey, unknown blogger. I am just starting out on my writing journey. I’m just working through my mental health journey and i don’t have a huge following, I may never have a huge following but for a massive company to take that chance is massively flattering and just goes to show not every company is all about dragging every penny they can.

It shows they care about the people who are buying their products. They want them to have things that can help with their health and well being.

So before I have even dived into the products, Schar you have a customer in me.

Have a healthy Sunday

L x

[thehalfshilling-blog]

I never intended to use my blog page, tumblr or twitter pages to talk about health and beauty, dieting etc. But over the last few months, navigating through my mental health journey, it’s becoming more and more apparent that staying mentally well does actually include all of these things. What I eat is having an effect on my moods, tummy troubles and my sleep routine. Not to mention the fact I feel like a whale with every bit of weight I am starting to pile back on. p>

Taking time out of my day to make sure that I am doing little things that, In all honesty I’ve never bothered about before is making me feel better about myself. Partly from the inside out and I’m not ashamed to say from the outside in as well. That may be superficial, but only to an extent. I am by no means spending hours a day putting make up on or shaving my legs as soon I can feel the man hair starting. I’m Really not that self indulgent or girly. I am however really feeling the difference of just doing the odd little thing here and there.

Last week I spoke about my Birchbox and the fun and games we have had since it arrived, which has been daily. Mainly due to me pinching the products the teenager took to have a shot of and then being screamed at to stop taking her things.p>

My Elemis cleansing balm however was a gift I was given for a birthday and although I loved the smell I really didn’t know what to do with it. Recently I’ve rectified that and not only am I enjoying the smell (and the ten mins I spend kicking back and doing some deep breathing) but once a week, I use the balm, rubbing it in with a little facial massage for a bit, let it do its magic work and then take a warm cloth and cleanse it off. p>

I would never have spent money on a product like this myself, opting for yhe cheap and cheerful options in Superdrug or Tesco, but now I have used this pot of magic I absolutely will, without a doubt be buying another pot when this one is finished. My skin feels amazing after an application, it’s so soft, not to mention just feels very gently toned. I’m in my 30s, I’ve ruined my body with drink, the odd dabble in my younger years with drugs and to many late nights and stresses I’ve taken on. br /> I’ve spent time focusing on trying to fix other people and help them with their problems, leaving my emotional and mental health really poor. That is something that will always be up and down, something I’ll always have to fight to stay on top of. But these little things for me, not my kids or anyone else are really helping to boost my mood and my confidence. For a good few years I was trying to fight to get back who I used to be and the life I used to lead. Now that I have taken a step away from wanting to get back who I was and started to embrace who I am, Thehalfshilling, I feel like maybe things can be managed better, and touch wood, just be a little bit happier in my own skin. (Which FYI, is super glowy tonight)

L x

[thehalfshilling-blog]

Ok, I need help with this switching off for sleepy time!!

12.45am and I am the most awake I’ve been all day. Just to make matters worse there’s a little party going on up in the old grey matter with some questionable song choices playing away.

Come in Tumblrs, help a girl out.......