From The Halfway Post

Dadaist graffiti news. Halfway true comedy and satire by Dash MacIntyre. I don't report the facts, I improve them. Comedy is cathartic in fascist eras.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: White House staffers are reportedly "freaking out" about the growing, increasingly bipartisan effort in Congress to have Donald Trump (and all presidents after him) publicly take a mental fitness test.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

This isn't comedy, but I just can't fathom how Mike Johnson was plucked from obscurity to the 3rd most powerful office in the world, yet happily exerts virtually no influence upon events with bare minimum, placeholding legislation—a politically self-cucked bystander to history.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: A group of "radical gay" hedge fund managers reportedly wants to invest $20 million into TMZ's new D.C. bureau to spy on every Republican who has voted against LGBTQ rights to "once and for all find and out every self-hating coward sabotaging freedom for everyone else."

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: TMZ's new editorial pivot to spying on Congress and outing all the hypocrites and sex offenders is the highest-rated corporate rebrand in the history of business polling.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly floating the idea of using the military to abduct the Pope like he abducted Nicolás Maduro, and then hold the Pope hostage to force God to agree to let him get into Heaven.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly pissed Viktor Orbán lost because he liked the idea of potentially, if he gets impeached and convicted, fleeing to Budapest more than Moscow ("too cold"), Tel Aviv ("too Jewish"), Riyadh ("too Muslim"), or Buenos Aires ("too Mexican").

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: Melania Trump will reportedly hold a press conference tomorrow morning to deny unspecified rumors that she wears diapers, but she'll also call for further investigations into who in government does wear diapers.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly "terrified" that Melania's unexpected Epstein-related press conference hinting at upcoming bombshell allegations will lead to a free-for-all where the other involved pedophiles will race to prosecutors to rat each other out for immunity deals.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: Donald Trump has reportedly been calling Republicans this weekend demanding that "under no circumstances" are they allowed to subpoena Melania to testify about her Epstein connections because he doesn't trust her not to throw him under the bus.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: France's Marine Le Pen, England's Nigel Farage, and Germany's AfD party have all reportedly requested today that JD Vance not come visit or campaign for them in their next elections.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: Crowds at the Vatican have reportedly been breaking out into chants of “Excommunicate Vance!" every 15 minutes all day long.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: The Vatican crowd at St. Peter's Square reportedly chanted, "Excommunicate Vance!" for 25 minutes this morning.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: The Pope is reportedly "not afraid" to excommunicate JD Vance from the Catholic Church.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: A new poll in Hungary found that JD Vance's visit to Budapest made Viktor Orbán's party lose 3% of its support.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: JD Vance is reportedly relieved he's in Hungary so he doesn't have to be the one to initiate the 25th Amendment petition to remove Trump from office.

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: Protesters in Hungary have reportedly left dozens of couches filled with condoms on the sidewalks all around the Budapest hotel JD Vance is staying at while campaigning for Viktor Orbán with a giant sign that says, "Welcome to Budapest, Couch F*cker!"

[thehalfwaypostdashmacintyre]

BREAKING: The Hungarian Association of Banjo Players are planning to protest JD Vance when he arrives to campaign for Viktor Orbán by playing the "Dueling Banjos" song from the movie Deliverance through electric amplifiers outside his hotel each morning starting at 5am.